AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

I think it’s REALLY difficult OP. Division of labour hugely affects the levels of harmony in any relationship. My exH wanted a really spotless house but didn’t want to lift a finger to make it so. We saw a couples therapist and he complained about getting up in the morning to dishes in the sink … they bothered him … but he wanted me to deal with them. I am by nature a tidy person but as I would have already shopped for food, prepared the dinner, bathed our DDs, put them to bed etc I wanted to go to the gym and have some time to myself … in the end the unfairness of it all was too much and we separated. I have no issue with my DDs seeing me as capable, dynamic, organised - I didn’t want them growing up seeing me as somebody else’s doormat 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he was at work would he do these things? Of course he would! He doesn’t want to and wants you to stop asking him!!

That sounds like a horrible situation and I'm glad you are out of it.

Incidentally, if you complained to others, how many times were you told to suck it up because your wife just didn't SEE the mess, that her brain worked differently so she couldn't be expected to clean, that it was her father's fault for not teaching her when she was young, that you should be explaining it so she knew it upset you, that you should leave her a list, a flowchart, use a reward scheme, set reminders on her phone, and that she should be grateful she was doing anything at all because she was such a great Mum and person in every other way so you should stop being such a petty, nit-picky perfectionist?

Just wondering.

I know. Men ! They just take the cleaning fairy, the laundry fairy for granted. And we're wise to that trick of doing a crap job of it so they think we won't ask again. Unless they want something in which case they strangely do a decent job. Or buy flowers

Why doesn’t he just wash his own clothes?

My husband used to dump his clothes on the floor. I told him I was only washing clothes that were in the laundry basket. When he ran out of pants, he learned his lesson and can now find the laundry basket! I recommend trying this with his clothes though it won't help with every issue.

For me it was young adult child rather than DH. What finally worked was a combination of:

• clothes / belongings / shoes being put in a box in front of the garage (so she would need to walk the length of the garden possibly in the cold and dark to get them (box was under a rain shelter)
• dirty dishes in a washing up bowl on her (unmade) bed. This is stuff placed next to, but not in, the dishwasher
• rubbish next to her bed where she would put her feet when she gets up (on a plate if messy)

I dunno - I'm needy and need cuddles and affection so I'd need a replacement (not that I could ever replace my lovely DH). God forbid. Doesn't bear thinking about...

And yet we say that men are controlling....."abide by the rules" that YOU made.

I say never again because I am happily single, not because I dont want to take on another project. If it took 55 years for your project then that suggests you shouldnt have married him at all, or that he shouldnt have married you.

Every one of my friends and women in the family have said the same thing, never again.

They are definitely trainable to your ways! I always say I would never be bothered marrying again if my DP should depart this earth unexpectedly, because quite honestly I would not have the time or patience to retrain another model!
It’s taken me 55 yrs but on the whole he knows to abide by the rules & I wouldn’t dream of swapping him out at this late stage of life.

Because it sounds like if OP doesn't pick socks up or throw away his used tissues that he would happily just leave them there. Have you not read the thread?

I agree, not all women

Not all women...😁

It doesn't stick because he doesn't care about it. And I don't mean, "doesn't care about YOU"; I mean, he doesn't care about shoes living on the shoe rack or about salt living in the larder. And as a very masculine-brained woman, I am the same. However, it DOES matter to my husband, so I make an effort for him.

How do you know that he wants her to pick the socks up, it’s his house as well and maybe he just wants to leave them on the floor. In a relationship you give and take, my wife does things that I find odd but I don’t make a fuss about it as she also doesn’t react to my idiosyncrasies.

It isn't about socks though, it is about the disrespect that he clearly expects OP to pick them up. Not to mention the fact that it isn't just socks, it is also used tissues amongst other things. There isn't any give and take and that is why OP is frustrated.

Of course men aren't all the same but clearly far too many men do think it is a woman's job to be their maid.

That’s not what I’m saying, but m trying to say that this forum seems to be a man hating platform when woman are just as bad. I don’t come on here often as it’s so negative towards males but we are not all the same. I am a good partner to my wife, I treat her with respect and shower her with love and affection and it annoys me that women on here seem to pick on men for very little issue….like socks!!

So because your ex wife was manky all other women need to put up with manky men?

It seems that allot of woman just come on mumsnet for attention
Yet here you are doing the same thing as us.

I say - right shall we get on with some tidying? You do the kitchen, ill do the bathrooms.

After dinner- gosh this room is messy. Lets share out what needs doing. Or
Right, im going to tidy up the bedroom, what are you going to do? Ironing?:)

Its not my job. We all live in the house. We all have to keep it clean, although we all have a terrible habit of leaving books everywhere.

Oh, and if you cook, you tidy up after yourself.

Oh my god!!!! As a man I realise that with you all we can never win! Let me tell you about some of the things my ex wife used to do! How about taking out her soiled tampons and leaving it on the bath….the bin was next to the fucking bath and saying she didn’t have time to put it said bin!! How about having dogs and young children and not cleaning the dog shit up and there was once 22 dog poos for me to clean up when I got from work. She was at home at this point and I was told that I am not a house wife…..my words to her were….what are you then as you are at home with the kids and I’m at work. Before anyone starts stating I’m being sexist, we alternated the role of who worked and who looked after the kids….the house was tidy and not dog turds for my toddlers to fall in when I was not working. I am with a wonderful woman now who shares the responsibility of our home with me, she doesn’t like to cook so I do that but she always does her fair share and this is what a relationship is all about. So your husband doesn’t put his socks in the washing, big deal, stop finding faults in everything and just enjoy each other. It seems that allot of woman just come on mumsnet for attention, maybe if the men on here spoke up about all the crap their wives displayed, this was be more interesting conversation!!

I told mine that it was very simple . Just put stuff back when you use it . Put it back . The tissue thing is so annoying . I put a weeks worth on his pillow one night .

How infuriating. Make him flowcharts to show the processes of routines? 🤷‍♀️

If you can bear to do it just ignore his stuff. Not in the washing basket, doesn't get washed, leave his pots and plates where he leaves them, gather up his tissues into a bag and give him them back. Just as men listen but don't hear, they also look but don't see.

You seriously reckon the reason hes leaving everything at his backside is something other than weaponised incompetence?

Is he dropping snot rags by the sink? No. Does he leave his shoes as a floor obstacle at him mums? No

Hes being lazy. Id tell him once and after that od down tools on any chores for him - his laundry, his tea, id start conveniently forget