AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

you are missing the point. Some people do not tidy up, do not expect others to tidy up, they're just messy.

It's not men vs women, some men are much more rigid and tidy than anyone else. Not all single mothers are super tidy either (single mother, meaning no man around one way or another).

Compromise need to be made, but both ways?

Of course it's weaponised incompetence. Would he take customers / employees into a meeting room with manky used tissues lying around? Would he leave dirty socks lying around in the office? Of course not. It either doesn't bother him or he knows you'll do it. But if it doesn't bother him, he should put this stuff away because it's a tiny job and it bothers you. So either way, he is showing you huge disrespect as he is either disrespecting your wishes or disrespecting your time.

I'd be moving him into the spare room and dumping all his manky dirty stuff on his bed. Or dump everything of his in one giant bucket. Or demanding that he attended counselling so he can explain to a third party why he thinks you should clean up his shit

You’re unreasonable for having married him in the first place.

Putting a used tissue in the bin is basic toddler stuff.

I know you said he can accept extremely high levels of untidiness. But does he really?
He doesn’t mind tge messyes
But he also doesn’t mind having no clean socks? No clean glasses or cups?

Id be tempted to tidy up as you normally but put socks in a basket (not the laundry basket), cups in a bassin (not to be ready to be washed)

Because let’s be honest, it’s not just the mess. You’re also ensuring he has clean clothes to wear too. Clean glasses and plates etc….

And I am sure the doesn’t do the washing, deal with the dishwasher/washing up etc either? Or run the hoover?

I don't disagree wit your point, I just refuse to live like that 😂
I don't want to see a mess, think about a mess, I deal with things immediately and they're done. It takes the same time to put the socks in the basket than on the floor, and then I don't have to come back and deal with it again.

I don't want to see dirty socks, or open cupboards etc.
I clean for me, not frantically for some last-minute visitor.

However, the main reason many women want things done "right now" is that no-one else will do it, and it's ANOTHER thing for them to do anyway.

I do most of the stuff in your list but luckily my DH isn’t uptight

But isn’t that exactly the point? People care about what they care about. If we go with the stereotyes - Women, in general, care about a tidy home. In your example Men care about a tidy car. Many men simply don’t care enough about a tidy home to put much effort in. It simply isn’t an issue for them.

Because it leaves a mess for other people to tidy up. If someone lives alone, they can knock themselves out be he knows that there isn't a magic sock fairy picking up his dirty socks for him.

It is disrespectful.

Maybe if you spelt it drawer he would know what you’re talking about.

I get passive aggressive after a while and just pile stuff on top of his laptop in his office!

I know I shouldn’t have to, but it makes me feel better and I’m also not tidying his shit away.

Im also making sure that both DS and DD know how to do all household stuff, told them they don’t want to be the flatmate no one wants to share with when they get older! I’m having a lovely summer hols, one of them in charge of kitchen tidying, one in charge of laundry, both to get involved with cooking and then we’ll tackle deep clean of bathrooms later!

Wow! So it’s all op’s fault and responsibility?

How about her dh actually making a bit of effort and showing a bit of respect?

Most of these depend on whether he doesn’t do it at all or just does it later. You don’t HAVE to put your tissues in the bin right away or your socks in the hamper right away, or even shut the cupboard door right away. I’ll put the tissues in the bin next time I get up or take the socks with me next time I go upstairs. I’ll even leave the cupboard door open and close it when I leave the kitchen. None of these things harm anyone at the end of the day. A lot of women have an expectation these things must be done RIGHT NOW and to them I would say chill out.
Now if he’s leaving these things and expecting someone else to pick up after him then fair enough, that’s a different story altogether.

Me, I'm the one wiping down the kitchen worktops so I get to decide that clutter in the middle of a worktop is banned.

DH does the grass cutting and garden maintenance so gets to decide where everything goes in the shed.

Not specifically mentioned in my house deeds though, it does mention not being allowed to dye cloth in the garden and no chickens to be kept but sadly hasn't drilled down to the level of kitchen worktop paraphernalia.

Before he was your husband, he was your boyfriend. Presumably you lived together for a period? Part of that upbringing you refer to that contributes to his habits were formed and solidified with you.

My DH is bloody amazing and really really pulls his weight. I've just used a Sharpie to write on the washing machine bottles which draw they go in because no matter how many times I tell him he just cannot wrap his head around it and I'm sick of going to hang dirty washing up because he's washed them in conditioner.

my question was, why should all the efforts be made towards ONE partner?

Why should the "tidy house" be the standard?

Don't get me wrong, I am biased here 😂, I hate mess, I hate tidying up, I haven't got time for that crap, I much rather waste time even on here, I refuse to come back from work and spend time catching-up, so my house is always tidy.

But why are the tidy people RIGHT and the messy ones wrong? It obviously bother a lot of women to have to put their laundry away every day, or tidy up?

I understand all the posters saying they wouldn’t put up with it but tbh mine is a bit like this too, although he is great at many other things. Nagging / getting cross just frustrated us both - maybe he doesn’t see the hidden work I do at home, but maybe I don’t always appreciate the little things he does to make my life easier, like topping up screen wash in my car etc.

Anyway if I’m fed up I just don’t pick up the slack as much. Dirty stuff left in gym bag? Oh dear, pretend I haven’t seen it. He learnt to start sorting it out the first time he had no clean kit.

I suspect some of us (not all!) fall into the trap of doing things for our partners when we are dating as we aren’t having to do it all the time & we enjoy taking care of them. Then they get used to us doing it & it’s less fun when you’re married and trying to keep on top of a family home!

These threads are always very similar

untidy man and tidy woman - he’s an arse For being messy

tidy man and untidy woman - he’s an arse for being controlling

What was he like when you met him and fell in love with him?
Was he a tidy person then?
Did you live together with him before you married him?

When you've had conversations about this, has he agreed to make changes but failed to follow through? Or has he pushed back, saying that prefers his methods and habits to yours and wishes to continue as he is? E.g., if he gets mildly annoyed when I put dirty cups/glasses that he was “planning on using again later” in the dishwasher, I'd expect he would tell you this as part of the conversation and perhaps the two of you could compromise on something like a specific place for dishes that will be reused throughout the day, but they go in the dishwasher before bedtime. But if he's mainly yes yes yes-ing when it's discussed and not acting, I'd suspect he's either tuning you out when these topics come up or he just doesn't care.

There's a structural problem because he has a higher tolerance for mess than you do. Apart from the odd inconvenience to him like your putting items in the dishwasher when he wants to reuse them, he probably minds your cleaning and tidying much less than you mind his mess and disorder. You don't want to (and shouldn't have to ) direct and police his activities like he's a small child, or to actively make it more uncomfortable for him to slob around than to pick up after himself, but if you've been open to discussion and compromise and he refuses to make even small changes for the good of the household and for your comfort and peace of mind, then he is essentially forcing you into that pseudo-parental role. Why he does this, only he can say.

Its about consideration, and that goes for both partners.

my bf does this and blames it on his ADHD, i think he’s just a lazy prick

But his partner DOES care, and he knows she cares. Surely we want to make our partners happy (or at least not actively annoy them)
Making small adjustments to make make each other happy is about growing together as a couple.
Making no effort, or worse ignoring your partners point of view, is disrespectful and ultimately likely to lead to an unhappy relationship (or no relationship).

Its not about the socks! It's about listening to them when they tell you its bothering them and not dismissing their feelings.