AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

Infuriating.
our glasses have our names on.

Absolutely bizarre!

I take photos of whatever it is, like a pair of boxers discarded next to the washing bin, and send them to him with a caption like "another nail in the marriage coffin".

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P7rxffqBmow&pp=ygUbbWljaGFlbCBtY2ludHlyZSBkaXNod2FzaGVy&ra=m

this Michael McIntyre complication might be relevant!

I'm bemused by the idea that one person in a relationship feels justified in claiming a given shared space and decreeing that not only must items in it rest in particular positions, but anyone deviating from that plan is automatically wrong.

I prefer a bit more compromise and acceptance in a relationship but if that works for your marriage then you do you.

My DH is like this, but it doesn't bother me. I think there are more important things to worry about, so I don't sweat the small stuff.

I don’t agree with that statement. Men and women are socialised to expect that women do the bulk of domestic chores. There are plenty of men who care about a tidy home but a proportion of them don’t see it as their job to achieve it.

For balance - DH is tidier than me in a lot of ways and he does see it as an equal job for both of us. He is just as likely to mop the floor or put on the washing as me so men are perfectly capable of seeing mess and fixing it.

He doesn't care about the socks, cups whatever and he doesn't share your values around keeping the home and your 'discussions' have not been actual discussions just you explaining what you want, him agreeing in order to keep you happy (because I'm sure he does care for you) but not changing his values or beliefs about the importance of socks, cups or whatever.

I use the same cup all day for tea - or at least for half a day or so, same for teaspoons etc. I also hate if they go straight in the dishwasher; I don't need six fresh cups and teaspoons in a working day.. it's wasteful.

There needs to be a genuine compromise and conversation about the home, some people are more tidy than others, some are tidy as they go and others prefer to blast it at the end of the day or once a week. Obviously a tidy as you go neat person isn't going to be able to live with a once a week blast and chaos between person without one or both of them changing or one becoming a skivvy but I do think BOTH should compromise and listen to the other.

Tell him 'you treating me like your mother is going to kill our marriage' and see if he can be arsed after that.

This thread has made me realise I'm a man.

I live alone though, disclaimer! Much more considerate when I lived with others.

I love how fascinated you are with the minutiae of my home life!

I'm in the shed as often as him, probably more often. My bike is in there along with some chemicals I use for hobbies.

This is why I prefer to live alone. Not because I'm like you, but because I'm more like your husband (I am female). Because I live alone, I'm not leaving stuff for anyone else to do. But, if I did decide to live with someone, why should I have to change how I am just in case they think I'm leaving it for them to do! I'd find that quite stressful tbh. There's an assumption there which I'm not sure is always correct. I certainly wouldn't have the intention of someone doing things for me, but I will get to it in my own time.

Living with someone involves compromise, hence why I don't! But it isn't a man/woman thing. I wouldn't say I don't "see" what needs doing. I just don't see it as a priority. My head just says "I'll sort that out later".

I did actually try being super neat and tidy. I found that I weirdly felt quite restless and stressed when everything was done. It just didn't feel "right". I'm more relaxed with a "lived in" approach.

I'm not sure what the answer is for you if you've tried everything. I suspect that eventually you'll have just had enough and end the marriage.

To me it feels like a lack of respect for you. He drops things wherever, secure in the knowledge that you’ll pick up behind him. He’s treating you like an unpaid maid. Even more disrespectful is that you’ve told him it bothers you yet he continues knowing you aren’t happy.

Ask yourself what that says about how much he cares for and respects you.

Mmm. Let's see. So, she meets, dates, and moves in with a guy that doesn't have basic household manners which both exhausts and infuriates her. She picks up after him for that cohabitation period, and then marries him, only later asking why he can't pick up after himself.

May it not have been a wiser cause of action to demand that her cohabitating boyfriend 'make a bit of effort and show a bit of respect' - as you put it - before marrying the fellow?

This is how these husbands are made.

Do you go in the shed and use the tools in there as often as your husband goes in the kitchen and uses the salt and pepper grinders?

Or is it more that while the kitchen is a shared space, you have unilaterally decreed it must be organised how you want it and anyone deviating from that is therefore Canonically Wrong?

My DH used to leave the kitchen cupboard doors open, Drove me mad, I asked, begged, cajoled, shouted, cried, everything, but for some reason, he just kept doing it. I honestly think he didn't realise he was doing it, he just didn't have close kitchen cupboard doors programmed into his routine.

Anyway, one day I stopped closing them after him, it took less than a week before he walked into one and knocked himself senseless. He closes them now.

The difference is you said you would deal with it when you moved. The OPs husband/my ex would leave the sweaty smelly socks or snotty wet tissues for days (weeks once when I did an experiment. The disgusting piles just grew). That is just gross, childish and disrespectful to others living in the same house.

BRILLIANT solution!

Just keep telling him what to do - he might get fed up with it and then you can tell him the solution there is for him to do these basic things. It is a matter of respect for other people. He is not a pig living in a sty.

🤣🤣 sorry I didn't realise my work was going to be getting marked. And he's dyslexic so no it wouldn't help.

If anyone pretends that "women" are tidy, they've never been in a female toilet or an office kitchen in a female environment. Women can be just as bad as men, bad enough at work, so who knows what state their own home might be!