Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

159 replies

Fourthchildmusings · 30/07/2026 12:06

Posting here for traffic 😜.

Last night DH made his case that he wants a fourth child. He’s had a vasectomy and ideally wants it reversed but he is also open to fostering or adoption. He is a very present and active dad and probably does more of the housework than me so he’s not some bum who just wants another kid to further his bloodline or something weird. He loves being a dad.

I am 27 and have already had three kids, I want to have the last 3 years of my 20s able to drink alcohol and have fun - not pregnant. He understands completely (well as completely as a bloke can) and said we can wait till I’m older. I do want another child but I’m worried about a big age gap, and pregnancy being harder on me when I’m older. My mum had me last and she said being pregnant with me as an older mum was worse than when she was pregnant with twins, so she scared me a bit. Am I being selfish with that? Is me having three years off and creating a large age gap because I want a pint a but selfish?

DD is 7, DS just turned 5 and my youngest DD is 2. We can afford another child and maintain our lifestyle, we’re not loaded but I grew up pretty poor so to me we’re minted. We do have a lot of family support but my dad is 72, my mum is 65, they ain’t getting any younger. ILs are in their 50s. There’s no guarantee they will be fit or willing to provide childcare in the future though. Much to think about I guess.

Basically I’m just looking to hear about your experience if you’ve got from 3-4, if you have an age gap with your kids, if you’ve fostered or adopted and if you were pregnant in your 20s vs 30s what was different and was it much worse?

I am a bit of an overthinker so I am prepared to be told I’m being silly.

OP posts:
Minasama · 30/07/2026 12:19

Absolutely not unreasonable. Take a few years and you might find three kids is enough - teaching three to read, paying for and ferrying them to all their activities, helping them with homework, going on holidays abroad, paying for four sets of university tuition and rent…All far more do-able with three than four. You’ll be able to provide a better life, more opportunities and more attention for your children if you don’t have another one.

Don’t have this discussion with him yet - position it as a break for now and hopefully he’ll go off the idea.

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than having four children though, so my post is probably a bit biased. It’s objectively correct though.

Also remember if he leaves you’ll be less poor and overwrought with three than with four as a single mum. Well worth bearing this in mind.

You also need to build up your savings and your own pension - one isn’t enough these days. Again, easier to do this while managing three not four kids.

I’ve also noticed anecdotally that there seems to be a correlation at my kids’ schools between the larger families and children with additional needs. If baby no 4 has Sen or brings out underlying issues with existing children this will make family life far more challenging and less fun than up to now.

Iocanepowder · 30/07/2026 12:16

Of course YANBU

YANBU with anything when it comes to decisions about your own body.

It’s also ok to change your mind either way later.

Your partner being open to adoption or fostering also needs to be considered more thoroughly, especially in terms of the impact on the children you already have.

mindutopia · 30/07/2026 12:13

I don’t have 4 kids, but I hadn’t even met Dh at 27! We had our first at 32 and 2nd at 37, very carefully planned as I did not want a smaller age gap or another child any sooner. You have plenty of time! Enjoy a few baby free years. Consider your long term career prospects. Build some financial security (what would happen if your Dh got ill and had to give up work?). Go on some holidays. Get a bigger house and car if you need them. You have plenty of time. I had my last at 37 and i didn’t think it was a particularly challenging age to have a baby. I still had plenty of energy.

EmeraldRoulette · 30/07/2026 12:12

Child free years? Are you sending the current three back to the shop?

Potooooooooes · 30/07/2026 12:12

What they said, plus how old is your DH?

And why did he have a vasectomy in the first place?

minipie · 30/07/2026 12:10

Also there must be a reason DH had a vasectomy?? Why has that changed?

minipie · 30/07/2026 12:10

I would definitely wait and see, you have plenty of time. All sorts of things could change, career aims, money situation, things may look very different if your parents or ILs can’t help as much, your DC may have needs you don’t yet know about, who knows.

Better to wait and see than have 4 kids and end up in a situation where you can’t care for them all as well as you’d like.

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2026 12:10

3 was enough for me. Personally I wouldnt reverse vasectomy.

Wait until you early 30s then you said dh would consider fostering or adoption.

curiouscat1987 · 30/07/2026 12:08

Edited as i missed a key part of the post!

Swipe left for the next trending thread