AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

Is he bored?

Like people who get a pet when they are bored and want something new? He clearly has no idea of the mental (and often physical) toll fostering or adoption brings, never mind the intensive intrusion into your lives during the assessment period.

Frankly I would insist on parking it for at least a year and then discussing it again then. My hunch is that he will have found something else by then.

I have 6 kids and while I wouldnt change it for the world, at times it was very very hard.

I was thinking the same about keeping her pregnant and barefoot.

agree. twins at 37, and big fat juicy ones (nearly 7lb each at 36 weeks) and I was back and forth on school run carting an oxygen bottle each way with a reclarant 4 year old. I loved my massive bump

Should you not have properly thought this through before your husband had a vasectomy?

I would love 4th but I won’t because my husband is shite. If I did I would have it close to my other 3. I have 3 year and 2 year gap and would do another 2 or 3 gap

Hahaha 😆
Got that t-shirt.

Huge adult meals because he didn't fancy the boring kids options.

OP don’t put off travelling! Nothing is guaranteed! You might not be in the physical health for example when older! Do it now! @Fourthchildmusings

3 kids can eventually fit in back of regular car. 4 you need minivan three row .

Four sets uni support .

I wouldn’t adopt with three birth children. Adoption is very hard, time consuming and very tough emotionally. I love my kids to bits but could never have survived the early days with in my case two terrified children while having another 3 to care for. It’s very different to giving birth.

I had mine at 38 and 41 and it was absolutely fine. Commuting into London 5 days a week while pregnant with the second and having a toddler to look after was the hard bit, not my age.

Do you want a 4th?
I had mine at 19, 23 & 27.
Thought I was done. Changed my mind and had my 4th at 33.
Give yourself time to work out what you want. It’s all fine that this is your DHs grand plan, but he’s not the one going through the pregnancy & birth.

You need to look a bit further ahead, they may be extremely needy and touchy as toddlers but they don't stop needing you or requiring time/attention and presence when they are older. I'd actually say that young teenagers in particular need more 1-2-1, running about, flexibility on social situations, you need to be on them in a different way. Trying to arrange to pick up your 13 year old from a friend's house whilst juggling bath tomes and bedtimes for a 2/3 year old gets tricky and that's only the practical side. If any of them want to go to uni you need to consider the financial aspects of that too.
And PPs are right about having a healthy family. Rolling the dice doesn't always go in your favour.

I didn't think it was an odd point you raised at all, any one of us could get a disability even if we don't currently have one. That goes for OPs current children and herself and DH, none of us are guaranteed to go our whole lives without disability or something sort.

You're so young still, OP. Wait and enjoy yourself.

There's nothing wrong with a big age gap and you will still be in your early 30's, that's not old at all.

If you were fine with your previous pregnancies and are fairly fit and healthy, you will most likely be absolutely fine in your early-mid thirties too.

I was late thirties with my first and it's absolutely fine.

Hard on an adopted child to be the 'odd one out' in a family of genetic siblings and their birth parents. I've seen it play out in not very positive ways.

I have nothing to add about the baby discussion. Just wanted to say from your posts I think youre a lovely person, well rounded, well lived and just wanted to say so good on you for building such a happy slice of life for you and your kids

I was pregnant in my 20s and 30s. The one in the 30s was more difficult, so was the labour. I don't have as much patience for it or get as much joy from it as I did in my 20s. I also have a big age gap and balancing the needs of teens and baby/toddler isn't easy and that may actually be a factor in my patience for it. Being able to divide and conquer with DH has helped so I can get some quality time with teens doing activities they like.
I've not fostered or adopted but worked it that area. It comes with challenges but could help with the age gap issue, there are more children over 2 waiting for adoption. Fostering is often short time and involves a lot of ongoing meetings and training, adoption will only include that early on. You'd need to consider how you and your family would manage the work and the losses that come with Fostering. If you want a child that you raise as your own adoption is the path rather than fostering. I'd contact the local authority adoption service in your area and find our more to figure out if it's right for your family. Many will have info events where you can meet staff and adopters.

I get a vibe too. And from OP. Like she wants a 4th, but only since yesterday when he said he wanted a 4th. The 'not good with condoms' thing always makes me a bit suspicious as well.

OP maybe see a therapist. I worry that the 'break' you want is actually not wanting a 4th but also not wanting to tell him. I could be off but there's something under the surface here.

I agree with you. I know of so many families who’ve thought ‘oh, we’ll just have one more’ only to be met with a profoundly disabled child.

OP, you’ve got three perfectly healthy children. Count your blessings and be happy with what you’ve got.

You're right about fostering. You're also right about the space they need and the high level of care and support. It's very different from dealing with your own birth children.

I had mine at 34/36/38. All totally fine! Your age is definitely not an issue!

I would say if you are sure you want a 4th, go ahead and do it. I think it's much much easier having a small age gap, the children can play together, have similar interests, etc. Then as they grow you can move on, and do more adventurous holidays, go and watch shows together as a family or have family movie nights, without being held back by a much younger child.
But if you are not sure, then wait - because it may be that as time goes by, you realise you have your hands full with the 3 you have. If you have a doubt now about wanting 4, I reckon that doubt will get bigger, not smaller.

Not a parent of three but an experienced adopter - I think you would need quite a significant age gap between three birth children and a foster/adopted child (very different things btw so you should ask a question separately on the adoption board) I would think your youngest needs to be in school before you adopt. I know people who have adopted with a smaller age gap but only with one older child and it's gone pretty well.

Most foster children or children you adopt will have higher needs which require more attention on avergae than birth children. Will you be able to manage your own business when it transpires that your new child cannot be left with any other form of childcare not grandparents, not after school clubs, might need additional support to remain in school. How will you manage this with older children attending hobbies/clubs etc your DH is going to have to be VERY present on the parenting front for the two of you to manage 4 children when one is likely to present with some form of additional needs.

Any adopted or foster child will be expected to have their own room which may not be an issue for you but with 3 already that may involve the older ones sharing. And is your DH prepared for the intrusion of a home study?

It sounds like a lovely idea and I'm sure local council will bite your arm off for fostering, though I think they may well expect you to foster more than one child - not at the same time but over time. I doubt it's a one and done situation (though happy to be corrected by foster carers as I have only peripheral experience through adoption).

Are you sure you aren’t just being nostalgic?

You say he's "open to fostering or adoption".
He should realise that you don't foster or adopt as an alternative to having your own child, but because you can give a vulnerable child a safe and caring home. It's a real challenge. It's not a consolation prize.
Are you open to this?

It’s not an odd response at all; disability diagnoses are on the rise, and I’m not just referring to complex issues, and it’s a minefield trying to get services for disabled children.