AIBU to want a few child-free years before a fourth?

I think the main consideration going from three to four is financial … you will need a huge car… also in 3 years your DS will be 8… if you take 2 years to conceive after the reversal he will be 11 by the time baby is born… do you have a large enough house for a baby boy to not have to share with his 11 year old brother? I mean I know he will sleep with you for a while but you definitely need to consider a 2 year old and 13 year old sharing… or 4 and 15 sharing! Where will the 16 year old son revise for exams with a 5 year old in his room etc…

I am one of 4 children.. my sister was 5 when I was born, my brother was 4….
13 months after me my parents had another boy… so 2 of each with 5 years between the children of same sex… sadly my brother dies and when I was 6 my parents had another boy- my sister and brother were 11 & 12 when he came along.. they openly say (in their 50’s now) that they resented my parents having more.. I remember both as teens really struggling having a noisy toddler tearing through the house! And as adults there’s no relationship .. think very seriously before leaving a huge gap…
my exH and his brother have an 8 year gap and he spent most of his teens trying to loose his brother - literally taking him to parks etc and leaving him there!! Again.. nothing to do with each other as adults..

I’d ask yourselves why he had the vasectomy- it isn’t usually done lightly and doctors check you’ve finished Having children because reversal isn’t always successful… my parents fell easily (first attempts) with first 4… after vasectomy it took 2 years!

Also what happens if this 4th is actually twins? You’ve said your mum had twins?!?… again I know of a family who thought they’d have a fourth … imagine their surprise when they had identical triplets !

Op uni with tiny kids would never be easy.
History would really only be good if you wanted to go into teaching History. Teaching is a good shout for the holiday cover but it might be less lucrative than your own business. You've clearly got brain power or you'd never have got Advanced Highers.

I honestly get the feeling he's worried about you spreading your wings a wee bit now the LO is hitting nursery age. And I'm glad I'm not alone thinking that.

I think say no to another baby until you are at least 30. And you can decide in a few years if going back for another is a good idea.
Existing kids will be bigger but you'll also have more time for a baby.

OP has spent her teenage years doing drugs and partying. And then her 20s having babies and looking after young children.

She may have chosen the life she has, but equally she has a very narrow world view and has not explored any different options. Most people aren't set on their full life path when they are in their mid 20s.

Don’t worry about these kind of comments OP - so many people live in a bubble and can’t believe a woman with actual agency could possibly choose a life they wouldn’t.

It sounds like you have a good life with a supportive husband who loves babies!

@Fourthchildmusings

I may be a right old cynic, but I'm getting 'he wants to keep you barefoot and pregnant' vibes. Why on earth does he suddenly want a fourth child now?

I'm seeing red flags here. He wants to keep you chained to the washing machine and kitchen sink. You're only in your mid 20s and already have 3 kids, and your husband wants you to have a fourth one?

No, just no. Stick at three.

Just as a mum with three close in age and then an age gap - don't underestimate how much more work you have to put into planning company and play for the youngest. I do feel sorry for our little lad, the older ones are great with him and we have loads of playdates but he misses out on the sibling fun the older crew had. Makes me quite sad!!

I think its really sad that people plan children like they are a fashion accessory. You are lucky to be able to have children. At 27 you are both very young to be thinking this way.

Think about if things did not go perfectly with the forth, baby is unwell, you are unwell, complications etc. would you have the stamina to go through it? Or would you regret having done it?

As a mum of 3, I can’t understand why someone would adopt baby number 4. Or, to be completely honest, why they’d want baby number 4. It makes everything more expensive, more awkward (car space, finding childcare). Three is hard enough.

Would your career or job be manageable with another baby? Do you have space in your house?

Whats feeding the drive for another? Is it a gender thing and you want to try again for one of the opposite gender?

Is it a gender thing, where you have three of one and he has a hankering for a fourth to see if it's a girl/boy this time?

Also some people just really go mad for babies. Look at the Radfords to see where that gets you.

How old is the youngest? Close to starting school? It isn't uncommon for a man to do this. He may be lovely but I do find it odd that he is now saying about a fourth after being happy with a vasectomy. Do you go out often now and socialise?

I have three and I’d also love a fourth, so that bit makes sense to me. I totally understand your desire to have a few years “off” being pregnant or having a newborn, though I think I’d prefer not to leave a big gap and start all over again. Mine are 5, 3 and 1 and I would want another two or three year gap.

Obviously, you might prefer things differently! Also, I’m 38 not 27! Clearly, I don’t have age on my side like you do!

I feel inclined to agree with a PP that has said that they suspect your DH is keeping you pregnant and barefoot. Your DH has essentially kept you pregnant throughout your entire 20's- typically the years that the majority of people spent building the foundations of their careers. Another baby will mean less time, energy and money for you to increase your earning potential, build a pension of your own and to be financially independent. It is concerning that you mentioned that you decided to entirely forgo attending university. I could be wrong, but I suspect that he quite enjoys the notion of you being at home carrying out wifely duties- perhaps this is why he is intent on you becoming pregnant again as there is a chance that you could build an identity outside of being a wife, housemaid and mother.

Furthermore, nobody needs 4 children in this day and age. We are not repopulating a war-torn country; I acknowledge that the birth-rate has decreased, but the environmental impact of four children would be astronomical. Predictions of the plights of our future generations are incredibly bleak- which is why so many are having less children or forgoing having them entirely. Have you considered your carbon footprint, the impact that climate change, AI and increasing living costs will have on their futures? How will you financially provide for all four alongside giving all of the children the individual and equitable attention that they require?

It also sounds like complete drudgery. I am in my 30's and only a couple of my friends have started having babies in the last year. Having to contend with 4 before you even turn 30 sounds like total madness. I would be happy with the 3 existing children you have and aim to have some semblance of the life you have missed out on in your 20's/30's. Seek some experiences outside of the confines of traditional gender roles. If you don't, you may well reflect back on your life lamenting that you spent the entirety of it in a caring role with no identity for yourself.

Exactly this. If you want to enjoy some freedom at some point, bunch the children together, however many you decide to have. The freedom is before / after children (or when they get to secondary school, to an extent). Not during. Not drinking during pregnancy isn’t the hard part. That comes after !!!!

Getting pregnant at 30 still seems young. You’ll be fine.

Take a break!

if you want a fourth, go for it in a few years. Pregnancy and babies in your early thirties is absolutely fine, and pretty normal these days!

Mine will have been born at 35, 36 and 39 - no problemo!

Not really what you're asking, but I'm the 4th out of 5, and I have over 10 years difference with my older siblings.

There was definitely 3+2 when we were growing up due to the age gap, but we were still close and had great 1-1 relationships at different times of our lives. It's more about affinities than age I think. My parents also valued the family unit so it probably came through to help us bound.

But otherwise I've had my 3 in my 30s so can't compare with my 20s 😅

I have 4 dc, all adults now and going from 3 to 4 was huge - not because of the extra child in the family but we had to get a bigger car, pay for extra room on holiday etc. The fourth was dd3 so we couldn't have her share with the third dc as he was a ds and there was no space in the older 2s room. I actually had 2 + 2 and if I'd have had 3 close together I probably wouldn't have gone for number 4 but thought ds needed a companion.

I had three under 3 .then a 10 year gap and one more ..big mistake.
Should of either had the 4 th much sooner after the 3 rd or had two ,4 and 5 close together.
The 4 th child , literally grew up alone ,the eldest were all at secondary by the time he was walking and talking and not the slightest bit interested in him .
But when I got pregnant only one was at secondary,and the gap really didn't seem so big ..then suddenly very quickly it felt massive

Being pregnant in your 30s is not necessarily harder - I had mine at 33 and 35 and both were very straightforward conception, pregnancy, birth and recovery. If you had okay pregnancies first time round, I really wouldn’t worry about it.

i would be very wary of fostering and adopting though. It’s an incredible thing to do, but you need to understand you are taking in potentially deeply traumatised children and it will have far more impact on your family than “just” a fourth child. Make sure you go into it with your eyes wide open, for everyone’s sake.

Honestly you sound like you've got your head screwed on a lot more than your DH.

You're both young, you want a 'time out' and your DH is taking on a business...much better to hold off for now and see how all that pans out.

You could always agree to review the situation annually rather than a blanket 'not for three years'.

As for the age gap, your kids will be fine because they won't know any different. My dad was very involved big brother to his half siblings who came along when he was in his mid teens, my mum was closer to
her oldest brother who was 8 years her senior than she was to her middle brother. Personalities are just as important if not more so that age.

My boss has 3 children, age 17, 15 and 5, they were in their 40s when they had child #3. They just really wanted another one when they thought they were done. Weirdly they have an element of freedom now. The older ones sometimes look after the young ones while the parents go out to do something for a bit. They don't regret their decision.