Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

The police . fire service and pilots allll shaggers

If this young woman is a trainee, then that makes your husband senior to her? Does she report to your husband? If that's the case, then your husband has opened himself up to being accused of sexual harassment. Regardless if the police is rife with affairs or not, it means there's a large power imbalance and a relationship of this kind wouldn't be allowed. Your husband could find himself in the shit at work.

How old is your husband OP? If you were 21 when you got together with your husband and your eldest is 11, that makes you around 32. Your husband had children when you first met, so I'm guessing he's probably 10 years plus older than you? I'm asking because it does seem your husband potentially has a liking for much younger women. It's relevant if you got together with him, whilst he was still with his children's Mum? It means that, he has form.

Somewhere along the line, your husband and this young woman have exchanged numbers. If she asked for his, he could have said No. If she gave him hers, he didn't have to accept it. If he asked for hers, then she may have felt obliged to give it to him. If he gave her his, again, she may have felt she had to accept it. I can't see a trainee deciding to give a more senior officer her number or asking for his, to be honest. It's pretty brazen, to ask a married man for his number!

He's now blocked her, out of the blue, no explanation. That's pretty heartless, and probably tells you all you need to know. She's a pretty distraction, to him, and not much else.

He's sorry, only because he got caught! If you hadn't caught him, the likelihood is, he'd have carried on!

Take some time to think about what you want to do. Don't rush into any decisions right now.

Definitely

You are only 4 years older than his oldest child. Which means he is already old enough to be your dad and must have been a predator to have got together with you age 21. Which is grim enough to start with. And now he is engaging in flirty behaviour with someone even younger than his own kids. Revolting

She was 21 when she got together with him. Their eldest child is 11 years old so she is >= 33. The step children are teenagers now so were 3 and 6 when her eldest was born.

What I'm seeing , op , is that you're now in your 30s and you're beginning to see his past (and present) behaviour for what it is. This is understandably making you question him as a person.

I'm sorry , it's a shitty situation to be in. Especially when there are children involved.

but also this isn’t the first time

Cheaters gonna cheat.

Hes chatting to a younger colleague at 2 am in a flirty manner when he should have been caring for one of his many many children, and you think it really isn't anything?

Raise your bar

I was just castigated on another thread for saying 'I don't trust my husband, I don't trust anyone, including my dc'. Just saying.

Apart from being disloyal to you, he's risking his career and pension if HR find out - what a lovely husband.

Well sounds like the beginnings of an emotional affair and the fact that she's only 21 makes it seriously gross. Sorry OP.

Yep, I think he could get in trouble at work. Also remind him that he would t be so attractive if he had 6 kids living with him which he needed to look after, what 21 year old wants a bunch of
kids which aren’t theirs

You are only 4 years older than his oldest child. Which means he is already old enough to be your dad and must have been a predator to have got together with you age 21. Which is grim enough to start with. And now he is engaging in flirty behaviour with someone even younger than his own kids. Revolting.

Let alone the fact that he is in the police and all we know about the endemic patterns of behaviour there. He is in a position of authority over her. Sickening.

This is who he is. A dirty middle aged man who likes to abuse his power.

Engaging with your subordinate and much junior colleague at 2 am is not to be dismissed lightly. His reaction indicates he was titillated by it all at the very least. I'd find it very hard to trust this man and even if I was trying I'd still be working on my back up plan, especially re finances.

YANBU to take flirtation seriously. There's no right or wrong, as far as the holiday goes. You won't be able to forget this overnight and enjoy the holiday as much as you otherwise would have done, whatever you decide. That's his fault, not yours. If he hadn't been an idiot, flirting with someone else, none of this would have happened.

I also wonder what exactly he's done before. Flirted with another woman?

Honestly. If that's all he's said then that really isnt anything! He's pointing out how much older he is ....

So true.

Flirty and messaging at 2am when looking after a sick child. Sorry, his heads been turned and it’s an emotional affair. He should have known better (and 21 year Could do him for haressment/misconduct).

I’d actually hate him for just blocking her brutally like that. What a horrible man. And that’s before I got around to hating him for how he’d treated me.

One thing to remember is he only stopped because he got caught. If you hadn’t seen it he would still be talking to her

Very wise words.

OP again, I am so sorry.

You don’t have to make any big decisions you could end it today, in 6 months, you could agree to stay together and change your mind or you could stay with him for the rest of your life, that is entirely your prerogative . You don’t owe him a decision, intimacy or anything else.
Why don’t you sit with it for a while and see how being with him feels. The holiday is tricky your options are don’t go, ask him not to go, go but be platonic until you are comfortable or go as a couple. There’s no right or wrong answer.
One thing to remember is he only stopped because he got caught. If you hadn’t seen it he would still be talking to her.

OP is not married to her.

I thought that it was frowned upon or even a disciplinary matter for senior staff to get too close to trainees? It is a big imbalance of power and could compromise professional integrity if they are flirting. If it looks like he's favouring her for example.

So it's very foolish and quite seedy. If it's flirty plus. And there must be more to it as he's only admitting to what he has to.

I don’t know how bad these messages were. Was it general chit chat with flirty undertones?

I do think you can get past this if he has to only messaged flirty but otherwise innocent messages, it doesn’t mean you’re less than but possibly more of an ego boost for him.

not going to lie though I would have real issue with this to. Especially knowing her age. She’s a baby and he must be well into his 30’s if not older. As wrong as it is he’s added an element of sleaze to the mix.

he’s held his hands up, he hasn’t really hid his phone & he’s let you check the messages. If you otherwise have a happy family I would try my hardest to make the relationship work, if it’s a family holiday I would still go. No point in the kids missing out and see how you feel after. If it’s hard to get past I would try marriage counselling and see how you feel after.

@vaguelyvexed The very fact he said it "got out of hand" means he knew it was wrong. Otherwise he'd have protested that they were just mates, it was all just banter and the usual shit men say. The Police, NHS and other large institutions are rife with affairs. Of course he was hoping to get into her knickers. Don't be naive OP. Personally I'd forget the holiday and start reconsidering your future, including looking after his two kids.

This is not a bit of "Flirting" This is an Older Police Officer taking advantage of a Young Woman who he is working with. It is a very serious offence and he could be disciplined.