Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

Oh dear. As she’s a probationer, is he her trainer? He’s an idiot to be messaging her in a flirty manner. My DH used to say that everyone he knew on shift had gone ‘over the side’. Possibly the emotional headfuck of the constant shit they encounter encourages trauma bonding? Blowed if I know, but it was people in their 40s, not the current probationers/youngsters.

If possible, can you go on holiday, assuming you’re taking all 4 of your shared dc, so 4 under 11 and the help will be useful. I don’t think I’d be able to simply ignore the situation and I’d be cold with him, but why should you miss out on the holiday?

He worked his way through three cabin crew, made one pregnant and then ended up with a female pilot

it's because they all work rosters. My friend was convinced her husband, the pilot wasn't shagging, but yes, like all of them he was.

Totally rife in the police. This is how my stbxh is my stbxh. Started as you said, him more senior showing her the ropes, then the messaging began, she was always at the top of his WhatsApp list whenever I got a glance. Then he started coming home later after back shifts. They started meeting up in car parks after work. He obviously denied it til the very end but they live together now so that’s all I need to say really. I’m so sorry op, maybe you caught it in time but honestly I’d want to know if she’s on his team, the same rota? He should know better and was obviously enjoying the attention
edit: spelling

Lorry drivers definitely do. Long distance ones have all the stories of a women in each place they arrive too.

Dodgy meet ups at the service stations and most dogging areas are lorry lay-bys there is a big cross over.

And also how did he get her number 🤨

If she’s working shifts too then messaging at 2am might be because she’s on a grub break. If he’s up why not reply? So long as he wasn’t neglecting your child.

I should say I’m the daughter of two police officers so did get very used to the shift thing and doing things at weird times. I think she would be called a trainee and the person she’s paired with her tutor constable. At least that’s how it used to be.

Any mention in the messages of you or his family? I don’t think blocking is good enough, he will just unblock or see her at work.

This woman may well put in a formal complaint about him; especially now he has abruptly cut her off. And she may well have grounds.

I think he sounds like a creep, creeping on her.
You have every right to be deeply unhappy.
There are a lot of children involved so you are right to give this serious thought.

You have every right to be suspicious that he could be on the prowl for opportunities.

Do not be gaslit that this is normal, acceptable, or professional.

Yes you’re right, but why is this??? Lorry drivers etc don’t have such a bad rep

So flirty texting a junior colleague at 2am in the morning. One that is only 4 years older than his own dc. Nasty.

I would lay it on the line and lay it on thick. Do it before you go on holiday so it can sink in. Tell him that he is being a fucking idiot to risk his marriage, his career, his livelihood, his personal and professional reputation and most importantly, his children’s stability and happiness, and for what? A flirt with a young woman to boost his ego.

She’s 21. Is she going to take him and his 6 kids on? Is she fuck!

Ask him how he plans to manage his 50:50 shared care alongside his shifts.

Or was he planning on paying CMS for all 6 kids out of his salary?

Give him both barrels and tell him that you will decide if you stay in this marriage. Not him.

Then take time for yourself and think very carefully about what you want moving forward. If you decide to stay in the marriage, make plans for how you can become more financially independent and stable.

There’s no fool like an old fool.

Not the first time.
Significant age difference
He’s in a position of power over her.

What a prince.

C&P.

I misread it that the oldest was 17 when they met. Either way, I am willing to bet, this man is a LOT older than OP. He has form for liking young women. And the rest stands. This is a middle aged predator in a position of authority.

I misread it that the oldest was 17 when they met. Either way, I am willing to bet, this man is a LOT older than OP. He has form for liking young women. And the rest stands. This is a middle aged predator in a position of authority.

How old is your husband OP?

I’d say he’s had his head turned he’s flattered by the sounds of it….

Was he already married and had an affair with you?

It’s very unwise of him, for all sorts of reasons.

Who could have possibly predicted he’d turn out not to be a trustworthy partner for the long term eh?

With a friend not a new work colleague or my supervisor and him as the superior should know better and shut it down for fear of accusations.

He's not just risking his relationship, he's risking his job. What a pathetic man. I am so sorry op.

I am guessing he must be at least in his 50s by now?

So not only is he married, and messaging someone significantly younger, she’s also a junior colleague in a hierarchical organisation.

It sounds unwise and unimpressive on several levels.

I wouldn't be texting a subordinate at 2am, no.

I think people are jumping to conclusions on quite vague information. Texting a colleague isn't necessarily an issue. The OP has (understandably) not given details. 2am .... Are none of you insomniacs?

You are only 4 years older than his oldest child. Which means he is already old enough to be your dad and must have been a predator to have got together with you age 21. Which is grim enough to start with. And now he is engaging in flirty behaviour with someone even younger than his own kids. Revolting.

You'd want to do those sums again.

Were you the mistress when you were 21? Affairs in the police (I suspect it's the shift work) are rife. My dad was one (married three times), I married one (we both cheated) and I had an on/off 'friendship' with one for two decades that started when I was 17.