Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

Yip was going to say the same. Sorry OP that's shit, he's shit

My ex was messaging his direct report like this and like you there was nothing incriminating but it was…just how he used to talk to me…the ease, the flirting. They’d arrange to go to lunch together (cafes etc) whereas to my knowledge he usually went to lunch alone and was never interested in socialising. He started having ‘team meals’ regularly and once he accidentally charged one to our joint account and it was about the cost of a meal for two. He said he paid and claimed it back on expenses and this is just how his business worked. He said nothing ever happened, they just got on well together but he certainly crossed a line and emotionally connected with her. I’d say your husband has crossed that emotional connection line.

And what I’ve learnt is it never just happens, it’s small incremental decisions, to message on work systems, to align schedules, to suggest lunch, to swap numbers, to invest time in the chat, to push the boundaries of the chat with flirting, an after work drink, an after work dinner, a kiss, a few dinners, a hotel together. Loads of micro decisions.

What do you mean 'this isn't the first time'?

Go on the holiday even though it's not ideal because otherwise you are going to have to give a reason why you're not going to the kids and they are going to be really upset. Just focus of having fun with the kids while you're away.

@PyongyangKipperbang indeed. Holiday parks are NOT cheap this time of year. This is one of those things kids will realise for themselves when they grow up!

Honestly, this would piss me off if it was my husband but in truth the messages are mildly flirtatious. They’re things you could actually say in face 2 face conversation & no one would bat an eye. My friends find my hubby very funny and they say things like you always make me laugh. You’d ask how someone’s day was etc. the issue is the fact rheyre messaging.

his 2am message sounds worse than it is. He didn’t wake to specifically text her. He was taking care of your son. I’ve done this. Noticed someone was online Facebook etc and had a little
chat.

you have every right to feel pissed off and to put him in the dog house, but don’t cancel holidays or implode your family

I'm frequently up at 2am with my child but I manage to not send text messages to men half my age.

I'm inclined to agree with this approach although I'm not sure I'd want couples counselling on my return.

The age difference and the fact he's taking advantage of his position would make me question what kind of a man he was even without the possible cheating element tbh.

OP - what did you mean when you said this was not the first time?

Were you also in the police is that how you met him?

I'd not be happy as he fancies her no one just texts at 2am.

He's flattered for sure, I doubt it will just go away.

But he was up for a reason. He was up looking after their child. He didn’t specifically get up to text this girl. I ain’t defending him. A man in his 40’s has no business flirting with a 21 yo. But the messages sent are very borderline flirtatious. In if these messages were leaked to his supervisors I doubt they’d do anything about it other than tell him to be careful. You can’t discipline people for this.

Got to love 11 year olds! Have you explained how much it would cost for you all to go abroad? I have six kids and had to do this a couple of times so they understood it was "boring holiday park" or nothing!

I think I would go, but have a conversation with him saying that you are parking this right now for the sake of the kids holiday, but you want to have couples counselling when you get back because he needs to realise the impact that his actions have had on your marriage.

I am afraid I agree with PP's that its a known thing in the police. I have/had several police officer friends at various levels who are/were shaggers, so keeping an eye open is essential.

You have taken the words out of my mouth.
They are renowned for cheating etc - power / control thing isn’t it.
Texting a much younger woman flirty messages in the early hours of the morning - no and no.
Why block her when he could just delete her number?
Sorry OP.

I would say more likely 40s. OP met him 12 years ago when she was 21 as she has an 11 year old with him. He had a child now 17 so was 5 then. If he was 30 with 5 year old then 43 now. I'll go for the nice symmetrical 42. Twice the age he likes his partners to be.
OP is looking after 6 children, which is heroic. 2 of them step children. He works shifts and flirts with 21 year old subordinates and risks losing his job and the family income, which is not heroic.
TBH, I think the OP is being remarkably calm about the situation.

None of this is going to end well. Even if it was a large commercial company this would be a grave offence.

"am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time"

This is what stands out to me. More info would be helpful in order to get better advice.
But, on the surface, my instinct says, at the very least, he has emotional "affairs", if you very, maybe not crossing the proverbial line, but fulfilling or testing something and that could become a slippery slope. If you are uneasy then a flag is raised.

Because they usually work in a male dominated environment and they egg each other on. Lorry drivers spend huge amounts of time alone.

My ex was a fire fighter and it was like my lovely, caring DP had been brainwashed over night when he started. The messages of ‘banter’ on his phone between his crew that I found was beyond disgusting. He had a complete personality change and most importantly, he hated me just for existing. He cheated on me whilst on a work night out, then I found out it was several times. He had the audacity of blaming the crew for encouraging him as if they whipped his dick out, they definitely egged him on but he did it himself. This was a few years ago now and I’ve recently been in touch with another ex partner of one who’s DH cheated on her on a work night out too. She said there’s at least two others she’s knows of in the same watch. Then after I booted him out several of his crew slid into my DMs!

I know he’ll have always had it in him but they brought it out and it was like a switch. They aren’t all like that because there was one lovely lad on his crew who didn’t participate and he got punished for it, got the shit jobs like cleaning the toilet and was called a degrading nickname. But a lot of them are.

Did he cheat on his first wife with you?

I think you may be being a little sensitive.

There doesn’t seem to be anything untoward in the messages and you’ve not given any examples of the ‘flirting’.

Me and my colleagues regularly text each other, we also meet up and go for drinks and meals etc.
The conversations are rarely about work, we just happen to get on and it’s nice chatting to people who have similar interests etc.

Her age wouldn’t bother me, in fact I’d feel more at ease over it as most 21yos don’t want to get with a much older man.

I think the blocking etc was very unprofessional and he could have easily reduced contact without going to that extreme.

I would definitely still go on the holiday and just keep this in the back of my mind.
We do have a gut feeling for a reason but sometimes that gut feeling is wrong.

He doesn't message his male colleagues at 2am because he doesn't fancy them.
Shady as f##k.

Might be a long time since he was 21 but it’s only 4 years until his eldest DC is!

Very problematic imo.

It isn’t the first time? And you’ve only been together 12 years or so?

You say it’s not the first time?

He was planning to cheat. Where else would it lead?

Sounds like you found it just before it strayed into affair territory. Thats what would worry me, if he is open to this with her....who else?