Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

Police. Oh dear...

It is a profession absolutely rife with affairs, emotional and physical.

Looks like he wants a do over with his carefree 21 year old. I imagine he's hoping this one doesn't get pregnant so soon.

Does she know he's married with six children? Because I doubt any 21yr old would want a man with six children.

This is the go to response to any misdemeanour. Lazy husband -= ltb taking his family side in an argument ltb, he slept in ltb, he forgot to drop their dry cleaning off ltb. Honestly, it pisses me off that people think it’s sound and good advice

Go on the holiday. You’re forgiving him anyway, no point in upsetting the kids.

Try and carve sometime out for yourself at some point to reflect on whether you can trust him and if he’s worth it. 44 flirting with a 21 year old especially due to the senior / trainee element. He’s a creep. There’s a good chance he’s also a cheat. But you don’t need to blow your life up if you’re not ready. But do know you deserve better

He’s got another woman’s number and is messaging her and says he’s sorry
guilty as hell

You dont even know what the messages are and you are advising to LTB?

Sorry to read this OP. He is emotionally checked out. If I was you, I'd be getting my ducks in a row.

You're underreacting if anything.

Do not play the cool wife. Been there, done that. You will get burnt.

My last ex had a female friend which I didn’t like the sound of from the beginning. Didn’t show any of my concern and he shagged her hours after he introduced us to one another! I only found out as her fiancé messaged me.

From my personal experiences (romantically and direct observations), cops, doctors, pilots and engineers are notorious for this kind of cheating with younger co-workers.

This is what hit me too. What a revolting specimen of a man. Can’t stay faithful and goes for the ones drastically younger than him. Disgusting behaviour.

He’s 44 and messaging a 21yr old new recruit at 2am in the morning? 🤮

He’s having an emotional affair. I’d go away for the kids and plan to leave when you’re back. It’s a bit creepy with that age gap, he could be her dad. Texting at 2am is so wrong.

so he acknowledges it got out of hand...

what does that mean?

Where would it have gone if you hadn't found the messages?

I'd ask him what he got out of it and why he was continuing to cross a line that he knew would be hurtful to you? Imagine if it was the other way around, you were texting an 18 year old at 2am and chatting regularly about this and that, mild flirty texts. How would he feel?

And what will he do when he goes back to work? He's going to see her again... he can say what he wants but the trust doesn't suddenly build on someone's words. You thought you could trust him but he allowed something to get out of hand...

Does he really want family number 3? With another 22 year old? He appears to have form - is that something he should work on? Rather than you?

I'd be very uncertain after this OP. Uncertain of him and what you mean to him. Uncertain of him as a character. He can say everything and anything to reassure you but why would he be continuing to interact with a woman half his age when he's got SIX kids.

More than anything TRUST your intuition. If you can't let it rest, then trust that feeling and let it surface.

I'd go on the holiday and as PP said, say to him you're parking it for the sake of the children but it's unfinished business and you need more from him when you're back.

Flirty type messages to a trainee less than half his age is as bad as it sounds, especially since you know he likes younger women and this has happened before. They're texting at 2am. That's gone past a work friendship, which it isn't because there's such an age and power imbalance and went into emotional affair territory. He likes the feelings she gives him.

He comes off sleazy and opportunistic when it comes to younger women. He's got the knowledge to hide much better, so he probably will.

If you're not working, time to get a job and make sure you can support yourself on case you get blindsided by him or he fucks up at work with some young woman.

So you know they are working colleague she's a young intern , they may work shifts, possibly, and are messaging each other outside work, but haven't to your knowledge met up.outside work . Whether or not it's innocent friendship doesn't actually override the fact that's it's inappropriateness for an older male more senior person to encourage a friendship like this . I think youu have ground to call him out on his behaviour but not to accuse him of any infidelity. I think you should discuss it but allow him to apologise and agree he was in the wrong, and to confirm the number is blocked and that he won't do.ut again. Try not to spoil your holiday over this. It may be nothing.ro fret over, unless your gut tells you it's more.

This is an abuse of position by your DH and he will know that. If he's not careful he will loose his job as well as you.

I would have to call time on this relationship. He is aware of what is at risk from both a home an professional point of view. His decision making and moral compass is off - it probably has always been and always will be.

Nah if she’s happy to chat up a married coworker she’s no better.

@vaguelyvexed sorry you’re dealing with this.

He is clearly into her and it only stopped because you saw the messages. How far would it have gone if you hadn't? Do you think you can keep "policing" it every couple of years from now until eternity if he's not the faithful type? I'd be sending him to therapy/couples therapy as to me, this is cheating (emotional) but still cheating. He needs to learn not to cross the line and catch it early and speak about it and avoid further opportunities to get tempted.

I wouldn't!
There's a whole big murky space between interacting with another woman just like he would with another man (innocent frienship) and having an affair.
In that murky space exists the flattery, the over sharing, the flirting, the moaning about the primary partner, the excessive head space the person occupies, the excessive contact, and concealing all or any of the former from the primary partner.
When a person is in the murky space they may not yet have done anything unforgivable and there's a chance to row back and save the marriage. That won't happen if they don't admit the space exists and frame anything less than an affair as just a jealous partner.

You are complaining that he is being blamed and not the kid he's talking to - he's the one (potentially) cheating so he is the one she should be concerned about

My honest view is that he is a sleaze and I'd be leaving him.

But if you're a SAHM then I think your best option is to go away for the week, try and make the best of your relationship for the foreseeable and think about how you can get yourself into a stronger place to be a single mum when he inevitably does it again.

He's in a position of trust and senior to this young female colleague and he's been messaging her at 2 am! thats very unwise and unprofessional.
You dont say specifically what is making you so alarmed about these messages but that you are unnerved is telling. He said the messaging "got out of hand",in what way and why?
He's blocked her and my guess is that will have caused offence and this may not be the end of this sorry tale. Im sorry he's put you through this.

He’s the one in a committed relationship with children!!

I’m not an anti “men” I find myself anti this man because….

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Not the first time …. ?

Well from what i know about the police, with a cousin but more so 3 friends that are all ex military, affairs are notorious!!!

I dunno. I don't see anything flirty in what you've posted. And I don't see any issue with texting a friend at 2am, when you're up and awake.

But his reaction is odd.