Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

Where did you get the fact she was a prostitute from?

Wake up @vaguelyvexed

This is a lecherous man, waiting to cheat on you, if not already done so.

He's making a mockery of you. Develop a backbone and send him packing.

Is his 17 year old a daughter or a son? When is their 18th birthday? Point out to your husband that his female colleague is 4 years older that his eldest child.

What I dont understand is if a man is in a relationship and he has stress at work, or life is getting on top of him, does he turn to have sex with someone else?.
Surely this would cause more stress.
You see this as an excuse by men , all the time on Mumsnet.
I worked with policemen and the younger ones are all at it so to speak, but some older ones were very settled in thier relationships.
I hope everything goes well for you OP but I would never trust someone who texts someone late at night.

i fear there have been more you don't know about
you need to find a mate of his at work

You are not over reacting, OP

Thank your DH for blocking the woman and also ask him how he would feel if you were texting jokey comments to hour 21 year old work mate at 2 am while up with child?
Would that be appropriate?

Tell him to practice his flirty texting with you and to leave the young ones to joke about with their own teenage brothers.

Remind him that he is an old guy and should be setting an example of respect and solidarity to his teenaged children.

He's already been caught messaging at least one prostitute on Only Fans, the prostitution website. She turned a blind eye. These are the two times he's been caught but of course they're not all he's been getting up to. Nobody at all gets caught the first time.

He'll keep cheating, whether online or in real life, and OPs choice is to keep turning a blind eye (which I think is her plan) or leave.

OP why not let him take the kids away on holiday and have some time to yourself to think about how you feel about your relationship more broadly and this in particuler. If possible go stay with a friend or get a hotel or cottage by the coast or wherever would feel restorative.

I do see how that sort of messaging could be just enjoying having his ego massaged a bit without any intention of it going any further, but I also think acceptance of that is the start of a slippery slope into having an affair. I don't think you're over reacting at all.

@vaguelyvexed Read your posts back to yourself. Count the number of times you explain/ defend/ excuse his behaviour. Count the number of laughing emojis you've used. Count the number of times you've started a sentence 'the thing that bothers me...' Maybe also count the number of times he has strayed...

If this were your friend or your daughter describing her marriage, what would you say?

He’s a sleaze .

Only Fans is a an online prostitution site. Of course, that's when you realised he cheated and that's when you should have left.

Oh well, he'll just keeping doing it then, you already know this. You can either ditch the creep, or tolerate it. Obviously, he won't change.

I'm sorry, but I think your marriage is over. If not now, it will be when he lines up another young woman for an affair. What you are posting about him isn't promising. You don't have to make a decision now but it would be worth looking at your finances, what you are entitled to in terms of government payments, thinking about family support etc.

@vaguelyvexed How easy would it be for you to leave him? Are you working?
I know what I'd be doing!

Your husband has shown really poor judgement here. It's always bad to shit where you work and there's the insalubrious aspect of a middle aged man with 6 minor kids having an emotional affair with a barely into her 20s trainee.

He's risking his job and livelihood and family for an ego boost from a 21 year old. Would you stay with him if he loses his career?

You've totally misunderstood the post

Thanks for answering the question OP.

In light of what you have written, I would think about what your personal values are. Then think about what values you need in an intimate partner. This will help you to think about the boundaries you have or should have and you can evaluate if he is respectful of or crossing those.

For example, for many people, his behaviour in 2022 would have been the boundary crossed that they weren't able to come back from.

You were gracious enough to allow him to try and make amends and change. He now appears to be repeating similar patterns of behaviour.

At what point is that too much for you - too disrespectful and too destabilising? You never know if you can trust him or not and it is confusing because as far as you were aware your relationship was now 'great'.

To me, love is about respect. This type of behaviour shows a complete lack of respect. There is a complete disregard for your feelings, and for the wider impact that his disloyal behaviour would have on the family unit.

I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if my partner/husband was cheating on me or having inappropriate conversations behind my back.

You deserve respect. You deserve the stability that comes from being able to trust your intimate partner.

He's a predator. She's 21, he's almost 44.

It's the whole picture, isn't it.

The Only Fans woman
He's old enough to be this young woman's father
He works with her
2am messaging
He acknowledged it got out of hand

I'm a similar age to him. The thought of messaging a young man at 2am, who is 21 years of age, in the context of having children and a spouse... Eesh. Grim.

As 'innocent' as the messages may have appeared, what if you hadn't seen them? And especially since he has acknowledged it got out of hand? When men start with this sort of behaviour it only ever escalates. They never seem to have a moment where their moral compass kicks in. They continue until they're caught, and usually they carry on but get better at hiding it.

So sorry, OP.

His ex-wife was probably around your age when he ditched her for a 21 year-old (you). Now you’re that age and he’s sniffing around 21 year-olds again. I’m sorry to be blunt but if he finds one that he can groom/persuade into settling for a 44 year-old man with six children he’ll be off like a shot.

You need a contingency plan for that. It’s all well and good to think about forgiveness and working on the marriage and whatever but the fact remains that this is a pattern of behaviour for him. If he finds one willing to shack up with him it’s going to be him making the decision and leaving. Figure out what you’ll do if that happens.

If you read the whole thread... I have already noted twice that i misread that the older child was 17 when they met.

The man is still a middle aged predator. The current flirtation is only 4 years younger. He clearly has a thing for very young women. I stand by the basic tenet of my post.

So this is a pattern of behaviour? Why did his first marriage end?

he was adamant nothing happened with her
So he obviously doesn't count messaging other women as a big deal? Even though he is a married man and presumably your marriage is supposed to be a monogamous one? The very fact he subscribed to only fans rather than work on your marriage would indicate he us not really invested in your relationship.

I'm afraid if you try and get past the messages with this young woman he is currently interested in it won't be his last rodeo.

I’m not so sure about that.
I have 2 close friends in the Police force.
From what they tell me, affairs are rife.

A. Lorry drivers are all doggers apparently
B. Women love a uniform

That’s not what’s he said. She was 21 when they met. His kids are 14 and 17 NOW.