Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

How is that supposed to make OP feel any better?
It's his actions and intent that is the problem, not whether the Only Fans woman messaged him personally or not. He was engaging with a sex worker. That's what the issue is.

Except that any man following and messaging a woman on something like OnlyFans is a nasty slut.

Well of course I can!

Maybe you’re not familiar with the concept of a rhetorical question?

"he was subscribed to a woman on only fans and was messaging her"
If it makes you feel any better, he wasnt messaging HER - lots of OF creaters have people that manage their accounts and reply to messages for them, and even if She was messaging it would only have been to keep him signed up.

Well that - I mean we’ve seen some heinous examples in the news of the misogyny that’s rife within the culture.

But there’s lots of other reasons. Pressurised job and close bonds formed or a feeling that colleagues understand you better. Long hours/ shifts. Provides an easy cover - in my case I never questioned if my ex said a shift ran late or he had overtime etc. Not saying that these aren’t a factor in lots of other professions too, and affairs happen everywhere, but it does seem particularly common in the police.

When it came out what happened with my ex (also a much younger new recruit he was supposed to be mentoring, and in our case the ‘things getting out of hand’ involved him getting her pregnant) EVERYONE who spoke to me about it seemed to have a story along the same lines. My colleague at work’s ex husband was a police officer, multiple affairs. Same from the friend of a friend or the sister of a neighbour. The therapist I ended up seeing (not about this but it came up) used to be a PCSO and saw first hand what it was like, my now husband used to work alongside the police (not in the force himself) and confirms ‘most of them were at it’ in his words.

@vaguelyvexed I’m really sorry, I think you’re minimising this and trying to find a way that it’s not that big a deal. But as others have pointed out, this is a pattern of behaviour and it really really doesn’t look good, if you’re going to stay with him - and I wouldn’t judge, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to leave with 4 kids, but I think you need to do it with your eyes open that this is who he is.

I'd be interested to know what the rate of infidelity is within the police force. Looking at the relationships I know of where one partner works in the police, all but one have ended because of an affair.
Would he be comfortable if you were texting a male colleague in the same way? He seems far too comfortable having those kinds of conversations with someone young enough to be his daughter.
Personally, I wouldn't trust him. I most definitely wouldn't be going away with him!!

He likes much younger women.

His ex wife was presumably about your age when he spilt with her and got with you.

Most men do not leave unless they’ve got someone’s to go to so either you and he had an affair to break up the first marriage or he did with someone else and they split. Then he got with you.

What’s the reason his first marriage ended?

Now he’s had a lot more kids in the mix and still up to the same tricks.

He is flattered and has his head turned. He will still see her at work it won’t just go away. He’s weak and no doubt enjoying the attention.

I think you said you got pregnant at 20 with him that’s very young with him being that much older.

Because that profession attracts an inordinate amount of scumbags.

i’m 20 and i’m horrified and deeply disturbed

Ohcrap082024 · Yesterday 18:54
So flirty texting a junior colleague at 2am in the morning. One that is only 4 years older than his own dc. Nasty.
I would lay it on the line and lay it on thick. Do it before you go on holiday so it can sink in. Tell him that he is being a fucking idiot to risk his marriage, his career, his livelihood, his personal and professional reputation and most importantly, his children’s stability and happiness, and for what? A flirt with a young woman to boost his ego.
She’s 21. Is she going to take him and his 6 kids on? Is she fuck!
Ask him how he plans to manage his 50:50 shared care alongside his shifts.
Or was he planning on paying CMS for all 6 kids out of his salary?
Give him both barrels and tell him that you will decide if you stay in this marriage. Not him.
Then take time for yourself and think very carefully about what you want moving forward. If you decide to stay in the marriage, make plans for how you can become more financially independent and stable.
There’s no fool like an old fool.

Absolutely this. A 21yr old will not want his 6 kids (in fact a man with 6 kids is not the catch he thinks he is, even if he looks like Harry Kane).

i’m so sorry, but i honesty wholeheartedly believe you have been groomed. he was 32 when you met. you were 20/21 and had his baby in less than a year. in ten years you have had four children for him, in which time he has flirted with two women that you know of. one is also the age you were when he groomed you, and the other was a sex worker he was monetarily subscribed to. i’m sorry. i feel so so much for you. but you need to know that this man does not love you. not even a little bit. i’m sure you must be so happy with your children, and i’m not trying to minimise their role in your life at all. but he has taken 12 years of your life away from you. you have slaved away having 4 children for a man who did not deserve it. you need to leave as soon as possible. you cannot let him take another second of your life away from you. perhaps the doubts are small now, but they will grow. one day you will leave. and i hope you don’t regret not having done it right now. you’re strong and resilient and you will get through this. take the holiday, relax with your children, leave the hard work to him. taxis, organising, bathroom trips with the kids. relax, take some space privately, and think. do you want to give up even more of your life to a man who doesn’t love you. just think about it. you don’t need to tell him you’re taking space, it will just cause unnecessary friction at the moment and maybe he will do a few good things right now to try to make you feel better about it all. but you need to think about the whole picture. i must be candid, im not a parent or a wife. i’m 20. and im terrified for you. and from the girls perspective, there is no chance she is 100% comfortable with the interaction. my friend is doing a trainee program with the police and she talks about older male colleagues who do this a lot. it’s terrible. i’m so sorry you’re going through this op. it’s time to put yourself first and wake yourself up to the reality of what this man is.

This.
He’s enjoying having his ego stroked. It would give me the serious ick in any case but if you can get over that and want to remain married then you do need to draw some lines here and make sure he understands that this must never happen again.

Yes I agree. Personally I found it really disgusting. We’re in our 40s and if my husband was texting a 21 year old at 2am there would be no coming back from that for me. Seems so many women have such a low bar when it comes to what they think is acceptable. I mean would she think it was ok for her to do the same? If not then why is ok for him?

I'm sure all other occupations have affairs too, but it seems particularly prevalent in the police force.

Anyone would think lawyers, doctors, engineers, estate agents shop workers..don't have affairs? Can't see how police makes it more likely.

He’s in the police, it won’t be the first or even the second time and it definitely won’t be the last!
My exh was in the police, multiple affairs. He used to tell me about all his colleagues having affairs too, it’s common place in that profession

This.

Police force is a cesspit of affairs and this looks like the start of one.

Hi Op sending love and hugs 🫂 I agree with the majority that this isnt good, the age gap is concerning and also the "blocking her straight away" he could easily just be saying that speaking from recent experience 😞 my stbxh said this and it was all bs. its really hard and you will be in a weird limbo now not knowing if your right to be suspicious, its just your anxiety or theres more to it. Its a horrible place to be. I will say please trust your gut and your intuition as its always right . I would still go on holiday dont let this spoil it for the kids. When you are back you need to get ducks in a row and do some more digging and monitoring. Try to discuss it with him but watch out for the gaslighting its common. Or making it out your the problem. I hope your ok xxxx

If I have understood correctly, the OP is hoping to fix this without ending the relationship?

"Why would he be interested"? Can you really not fathom the reason?

Yuck. Blue light seediness

Good luck @vaguelyvexed but it doesn't look great. Maybe he'll come to his senses if you lay out what he stands to lose.

Of course he will. Of course he'll come to his senses

He'll replay 2022 because he knows it works

Maybe they'll have another baby. After all. He is highly sexed and needs it regularly

And you know what? If @vaguelyvexed wants to believe he's a good man and wants to keep the family living together, is that SO bad?

We're all different.

What would YOU do if you had 6 kids and a good financial set up?

Me?

I'd cut his fucking dick off and feed it to the crocodiles and then take him for every last cent he has. The nasty, cheating, lying, manipulative cunt

As I say, we're all different

😊

Do you not mean 4 years older than his eldest?

she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14

He's gross. Why would an adult man - presumably in his 40s? - be interested in a young woman half his age.

Yuk.

Good luck @vaguelyvexed but it doesn't look great. Maybe he'll come to his senses if you lay out what he stands to lose.

He’s likely flattered that a young woman is messaging him. Nice little ego boost. What’s gross is that she’s not much older than one of his kids and I’d remind him of that. How would he feel if his kid was messaging an older friend? From the young woman’s side, she probably has a crush on Mr Police and finds it amusing to text him and get his attention. It’s all very pathetic and I’d be having serious words with him. Cut it out or we are done!