Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

Hi OP
How are you doing?
💐

Hard as it is, I would insist on him having an STI test

I’m not convinced about therapy in this case, he did it because he could, and whilst he’s sorry he got caught I doubt he’s sorry he did it.

He doesn’t need a therapist to tell him he’s in the wrong.

This. Tell him your trust can only be restored if he seeks professional help to understand why he is driven to do this. He might gain some insight. OTOH, I do think men are culturally conditioned to feel entitled to pursue whatever titillates them so it might not be that deep at all. Talk to him about male privilege and get him to read some feminist literature. You do have to consider the possibility he just might not have the motivation to change though.

I think you are trying to process something that doesn’t make sense. When you are happy in your relationship why risk it all for an ego boost. That is not something you can answer as you aren’t the person who made the decision to emotionally cheat.

I would ask him to reflect (perhaps have some therapy) to understand why he would risk everything that matters for something he is telling you doesn’t. It’s not good enough to say sorry, because sorry doesn’t stop it happening again (or continuing). Only real accountability and a desire to change, without you watching him like a hawk, will lead you to feel safe again. I couldn’t move on without the why and only he can work that out.

@vaguelyvexed I think it's okay to not 'get out of your own head'. I hope you find some time to think all of this through and that your kids have a nice holiday.

I’m not surprised you’re feeling the way you do. It’s all a bit grim. His daughter, his children will lose all respect for him if he pursues this. Take the upper hand and make own plans to leave him. He can’t be trusted and life is too short to waste it on someone like him.

How are you doing, @vaguelyvexed?

I think you need time to process this. You should send him alone witb the kids and be open and honest (unlike him) that you need tome to decipher what to do next. Basically he doesn’t care about you and expects you to be “absolutely alright with his emotional affair”. Yes let that sink in ! He is chasing another woman putting all his energy into her not you. Are you afraid of loosing him for him ?

Sorry but your story has no relevance to what is happening in OP's marriage.

I used to chat to a bloke for years. We got talking on a thread about cooking and he gave me a recipe for pumpkin pie.
We corresponded for years, yet I never left my husband, he never left his wife, and after a few years we just got bored and stopped texting.
Relax, it's a blow to the ego, and men have massive egos. Don't complicate your life. Let this go. It's a storm in a teacup

Yes even without a second phone a friend found out his wife was cheating via the family ipad their children used.

She was logged in on Facebook and all her dirty messages, photos and slating of her husband were clear to find on there.

He had no doubts so never checked it. One of their daughters came over to show daddy the photos of mummy. Thankfully clothes ones till he scrolled up the chat.

I just want to say very quickly, don't put too much emphasis on the fact that he will leave his phone lying around whilst he is in the shower etc
I I thought oh, he is being open with this phone.
Only to realise of course afterwards that of course he was being open with his phone, because he had another one 😥
A phone that I had no idea about, one to which he went to great efforts to hide.

So just be aware, there may be and probably is another phone.

Sorry OP but it’s disgusting

I would send him away on Friday with his six kids, while you get some time to process what’s happening. It’s really hard to do that when you’re living together and caring for children.

Also, you’ll both get a bit of time to see what living separately would feel like. I’m sure he’s going to want you there to share the childcare load, but it’s possible that’s all he sees you as now, someone to watch the kids, so the housework, cook the dinner etc.

He needs to spend a week experiencing life without you there. But also, you need some time to process.
You can just tell the kids you’re staying behind because you’re ill or something.

Yes, they all may be factors in why police officers behave as they do, but I firmly believe the nature of the job attracts scumbags.

The schoolyard bully who was too thick to go to university or too lazy to do an apprenticeship, but can do a job where they have (literally) a license to continue bullying anyone they want (minorities, women etc) and use their "power" to their advantage.

Just horrible, horrible human beings, I certainly wouldn't marry any!

Not when one is in a position of authority over the other. He’d be sacked.

This 👆 I got the weirdest WhatsApp message about 5 years ago saying ‘Hi it’s XX’ we met on a night out in XX (my home town) where I haven’t been in about 15 years. I ignored and blocked him and told DH. I didn’t want him to ever see it and be worried that there was an issue.

He's playing you for a bit of a fool.

There's no way he's going to leave her blocked, never explaining anything, especially if he'll still bump into her at work. This is more than an intense friendship, they've been messaging at 2am. It's an emotional affair.

By it's not the first time

But that is what makes it fatal. You forgave him for this before. It's just become fuel for him to do what he wants. He's already done everything you'd have asked him to do because this is game for him; a bit like when my toddler knows he's pushed my buttons at bedtime so puts away his toys and puts his pyjamas on and gets his glass of milk without being prompted. It's a routine. He's done it.

You know what type of man he is. It's your call whether you are happy to live with that; or if you want more. The only certainty is that this man cannot change.

I expect the unease over her being 21 is that you feel replaced, which must be unsettling - but it's also pretty creepy. He's over double her age.

Op I do not think you are overthinking. It is disrespectful. The police are rife with affairs/marriages to each other. I feel by blocking her it’s just to satisfy you. He will probably find another way to message. The question I would want to know is why? He has form for this op. Either he wants to be a decent husband or he wants to be single he can’t pretend to be both. I would be considering how it’s making you feel and if you need this stress in your life. It’s time for some honest conversation which don’t seem to have happened. It sounds like he has shut it down by blocking her but we know he probably hasn’t.

I'd be interested to know what the rate of infidelity is within the police force. Looking at the relationships I know of where one partner works in the police, all but one have ended because of an affair.

I wonder if it gets better or worse with the senior ranks? Is an Asst Chief Constable just as bad as a Sergeant?

Really?
Who messages “a friend” in the middle of the night at 2am, while downstairs looking after their sick child??
Who thinks about “Their Friend” at 2am?

It is often the case tho, that the last person at night and 1st person in a morning who a cheating husband thinks about and wants to contact is his Affair Partner.

The OW was 10 when your eldest DC was born. I couldn't get past that. Yes she's an adult, but to a 44 year old man, she's still a child. It's preditory behaviour IMO. My Dad was 23 when I was born.