AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

I don’t get why he needs to be paying all this money. Can’t you find out what he would be asked to pay if it was made formal and just stick to that.

The kids have a stable roof over their head with one of their parents is the benefit.

But you resent that.

You resent that she's not easing his burden so he can take you out and you guys do stuff. That's not her problem. He signed off on the divorce settlement. I would bet there's a good reason he signed off on that.

He lived with his parents for 4 or 5 years and has no savings?

He could get a second job if you want these extras so much. Or split and find someone who will give you more financial security.

Her bf's might be paying for the evenings out and trips. But that's not your business. You comparing your situation to hers is useless and causing you issues.

He sure sat on his ass during their split. He didn't do his due diligence or there's a big something you don't know. And if his ex is such a poor mom as you imply, why isn't he taking her to court for more custody?

I’d do a couple of things - I think a financial order can be revisited in court if there is a significant change in circumstances so I think I would get legal advice to explore that as a first port of call. Perhaps in light of new circumstances the best thing is if the house is sold, equity split and he just pays maintenance plus any extra that he chooses to pay (but with no obligation/expectation)

depending on the amount in the bank she could also be fraudulently claiming UC.

You have my upmost sympathy as we were in a similar situation - busting a gut to live while DH was covering all his exW living and housing costs because she was choosing not to work because she wanted to study (wouldn’t we all like to chose not to work to do something we like better?!). I used to get absolutely incandescent with rage about it (whilst working a full time job, paying bills and mortgage, having a severe health condition, having our own kids plus step kids 40% of the time).

In my case I definitely also had a DH problem - he was scared of her after years of domestic abuse. Took a long time for him to be brave enough to get it properly and fairly sorted out.

He could have very easily looked this up in seconds online and seen this wasn’t true. I’m sure free legal advice would tell his this too, if he was actually bothered about having his children more. Seems like a very convenient excuse.

Why shouldn’t he though? Any functioning adult with children is well aware that the amount of child maintenance doesn’t come close to the actual financial reality of raising a child. Anyone except an utter deadbeat understands if they want their child to have access to a good standard of living, clubs, trips etc the CM payment isn’t paying for those things.

She's a widow . Please read the thread before commenting!

So you were both married before; he made a fair/generous arrangement for leaving his wife, you had a less favourable arrangement with your ex (no mention of what you get in here but implied). Perhaps you need to revisit your settlement with your children's father?

It seems unfair now, but long term you are far, far better off. Pensions etc.

At least your DP can stop the extras now.

https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment/what-youll-get

I believe the poster was referring to bereavement payments.

Who doesn't he go back to court and ask for a variation of the order.
The child is now older the mother could work full time and he still can't afford to rent independently

Had no idea, thanks for clarifying.

He should be making those payments regardless of how much money she earns. It isn’t a legal obligation, but it is what good non-residential parents do.

Personally I would be terrified to only have 12k in savings. I don’t know why you think it means she is flush. I know it’s a number some people can’t even imagine achieving. It is also a number easily wiped out by one major home repair or car issue.

You make choices by not having your partner contribute to the household and pay rent. If you are essentially subsidizing his ex-wife with those choices, I think you should reexamine them. He should be paying his full share in the household. If he can’t do that, he shouldn’t be living there.

He is feeding you BS somewhere here OP and I think you know it. Why you are with him is confusing to me as I am not sure he brings much to your life.

I had to sit through 1.5hrs of a man explaining to another male passenger on the train how he had to "play the game" so his ex and kids only got £30pw while he has apparently 1.4mil on his books for next year through work as well as paying for his new Hungarian maid/gfriend who cooks and does for him. Why do so many women get taken in by these self-aggrandising pricks and have kids with them? Baffling.

He can still ask for more access to them now and go to court if she refuses.

He’s sounding more and more like a wet blanket every time you post.

I totally agree . OP didn't break her partner's marriage up , so why are so may PPs having a go at her. It seems that many come on here just to have a go at whoever they feel like, and it can be anyone . One starts and others follow 🙄

So less than 16k - but has she reported this money? If you have more than 6k, UC is reduced by X amount for each extra £250 you have.

Your DP shouldn’t be paying for all those extras if he’s giving her an appropriate amount of child support money.

5k is hardly life changing money though is it? That sounds like her safety net. She is losing the house soon so presumably saving. Why can't he pay you rent. You can put it into a savings account? Get contracts signed up to say he has no claim on the house. If he is paying half your bills your costs are lessened.

So if he's paying household bills on top of the mesher order and ad hoc things - he is funding the ex but just not as official "spousal maintenance".
I have to say, and though it may not feel much like this, that there isn't much difference in terms of "how comfortable you are really" between £1000 savings and £6000 savings. Both could be written off very quickly with bad health problems/car troubles. So while you may resent her lifestyle (and she sounds very shortsighted in her work/pension ambitions) the only thing you can really change is how much he gives her.
So, to paraphrase a well known MN phrase or saying, you don't have an ex problem, you have a DP problem.

Does he ever pay less for his share or says he’s short so you have to pay for his stuff?

Because when they split he was under the impression that to have a custody arrangement the kids had to stand in court and be questioned and he didnt want that.

Really? He spins many a pretty yarn doesn't he.

His lack of action is ongoing, though. If she moved a man in, he could have taken things back to court, because that ends the order.
As said, this is all going to unravel once she is no longer entitled to maintainance and you need to have reassurances that he isn't going to be a soft touch again.

He didn't want them to be upset by court, so he left them to struggle emotionally and educationally; but the thing that's royally pissed him off is £5k?

He had a solicitor didn’t he? So where did the false impression come from? Why didn’t he go back to court once you corrected him?

@starcourt there used to be some sort of additional support for children whose parent had died, i dont think OP will get it as the stopped it a while back

Rubbish, they divorced because she wouldn’t support her own children yet he agreed to pay half the mortgage until the youngest left full time education and lives far enough from his ex and children so that he “can’t” actually care for them that much?
This guy has been feeding you nonsense after nonsense.