To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

Just because you are closer to your mum (I mean, of course you are!) doesn’t mean she should be more involved than MIL, it should be equal. She is your DH’s mum and your kids are equally his as they are yours. You may well prefer your mum’s ways (again, of course you do!) but that’s also no justification for giving your mum a higher level of access.
Sorry to remind you of the obvious, but your baby isn’t more yours than your DH.

She seems a bit pushy and overbearing.
Dont dance to her tune. You are the cihildrens mother not her

Get you husband to get his arse out of gear and involve him in taking the kids to see the MIL

Yes this, be more forceful with the request, and see what happens. When she sends dc over if they need hands wiping; send them back, no mummy is busy, granny will do it for you etc

from your op though it sounds like she doesn’t know what to do, in the practical sense, with children, as she’s never done that bit, the nanny did it. Maybe she feels a bit inadequate next to you, with how practical and hands on you are

OP’s husband can facilitate the relationship between the children and his side of the family. If everything’s suppose to be “equal,” he can be equally involved.

God mothers of sons really can’t win at all. Sounds like she’s trying hard to make an effort, tell your husband to visit her more with kids if you’re finding it hard

Two sets of loving Grandparents. How lucky you are. Cherish them.

I’ve already posted on this thread but I thought of something else OP - do you think she’s the type of person who will really come into their own once the children are older? So a bit crap with under five’s but would happily take them out to theatre or shopping once older, that kind of thing?

No, but OP is her own person, not an equal share of her's and her husband's. Visiting or having visitors isn't just about the child. OP has her own needs and preferences that she gets to take into account as well as her child's.

I'm probably going to get totally slaughtered for this but never mind. It seems to me that you hold your MIL and husband to completely different standards yet from what you tell us there doesn't seem to be much difference between them.

Your MIL used 24/7 nannies. Your husband, who is completely absent and absolved from all childcare responsibilities Monday-Friday is somehow put on a pedestal as a great father yet he's also relying on your, your mum and his mum to raise his children.

Being a good parent is more than just working and only being there at the weekends. TRUE partnerships are the ones that juggle nursery runs, sick days and childcare. It's being there for the hard parts. Children remember who was there for them and as they get older they notice absent parents.

Honestly the problem I don't feel is your MIL. Why is your husband not around when his own kids are sick, or giving you time at a weekend to go to the hairdresser. And you say it work for you but does it? As your kids get older, they'll notice a dad that was never around during the week. Who never took them to school. Who never helped with homework. Or was there when they were getting ready for school. Or never there when they were sick. Kids need present parents, they dont need workaholic parents with grandparents stepping in to fill the void during the week.

It's amazing the double standards. I absolutely guarantee if a mum was to post she only saw her kids at a weekend there's no way she'd be held up as a great mum.

If MIL doesn't want to do childcare/help out I think that's fair enough.

She can't then complain that she is missing out because Op's mum will help out though.

She sounds like a nice MIL, but I get that she’s never going to be as close to you as your mum. She needs to be equally involved but perhaps in different ways. The children are just as much her grandchildren as they are your mum’s, so that side of things should be equal.

She needs to be equally involved but perhaps in different ways.

That might happen naturally as they get older.

It sounds as if Op gets on ok with her MIL but she is so busy with the kids that seeing MIL is a hindrance atm rather than enjoyable.

I am from an ancient Scottish family OR clan with the motto "HOLD FAST".
You must do what is right for you and your family and fuck the rest

Ridiculous. How is OP ever going to feel comfortable with her MIL - and she needs to, for her children’s sake - if she refuses to treat her as family?

Oh please! Why is this kind of pressure NEVER put on men? They dont have to manage any kind of access equality it seems, its always all down to the woman. Is he not treating his MiL as family because hes not spending time with her?
Perhaps raise your son's to give more of a shit if you want to be involved as they grow up, rather than expecting your DiL to act as some kind of family liaison officer.

FFS. Be grateful you and your husband have both your mothers alive and well, and wanting to be actively involved with your children. You’re lucky.

This is really sensible advice. When my DC were very small my MIL desperately wanted to be involved and have a relationship with them, my own Mum wasn't bothered. I pushed MIL away because I think I wanted my mum to be more involved and was hurt that she wasn't. Resulted in quite an upset, where my DP said "I'm not going to apologise for my mum loving her grandchildren" which was a real eye opener and a turning point. We had a sensible conversation about some small boundaries eg just give me some notice rather than turning up unannounced, please back me up on things rather than "mummy says no but if it was up to me....". I let her in and accepted that a bit of gentle spoiling is a grandparents job! We are very close now and I couldn't manage without her. Have some boundaries but let her love your DC.

What kind of bullshit response is this?!

She’s not lucky at all.

my own mother is dead, I still wouldn’t want to have spend my days entertaining my MIL.

I thought the same.

if the men were at home with the babies the same amount I’m sure that expectation would be on them as most maternal grandmothers would want to visit just as much. My partner made a huge effort with my family and would have respected my mums visits, woman seem to have more of an issue with this

My niece has always worked out of the home, her husband works from home. His mother who lives near comes over regularly to mind their children. He is also happy and welcoming to his inlaws. They stay over every night once a week so they get time with the baby. He cooks for them the evening they stay over and he is so warm and friendly. Statistically, women are unfriendly to other unrelated females, MILS, Sils and Step daughters often have a rough time with DILS.

Statistically? Where are your statistics from?

I always wonder about the choice to call women "females" but men, men. Perhaps you wanted to include other species?

You sound lovely.

Your marriage sounds solid.

You've got a good approach to the family business.

Your mil sounds like a massive dick.

@mtrkk I completely get it. I have extremely similar PIL. YANBU.

The next phase is that she'll want the grandkids to visit her alone, without you present. She'll expect them to be perfectly dressed, perfectly behaved, fun (that's what she deems fun only), and with no irritating characteristics or dirty hands. When anything distressing arises, that she doesn't want to deal with, you'll definitely know about it (it'll be because of your bad parenting). She'll also repeatedly move the date/ time of the visit at the last minute and get all huffy with you if you don't rearrange your entire life to suit her whims.

There are so many nicer people out there. Spend your time and energy on them. Don't cut her off, but I wouldn't give MIL a lot of your mental energy, because she's never going to help or have anything other than a superficial relationship with you or her grandkids. You will never be more than the nanny.

But from what you have said then your MIL isn’t “involved”. She’s expecting socialising and entertainment, she doesn’t do anything practical with the children. Where’s your mother does. I would stop acting like the nanny in her presence and take a step back (my mother is similar to your MIL and l have done the same with her). Instead of “getting upset” then your MIL needs to contribute and l would tell your husband that, otherwise your MIL is another person to run around after.