To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

@ThisSereneGoose Because the husband has to work very long hours in order for his wife to be a SAHm. He does not have the opportunity to see his mother during the week. If the OP shared the financial responsibility for the household, the husband might be able to drop down to 4 or 3 days a week and see his parents then.

there are two things going on here

1. your mum is your mum. That relationship has nothing to do with anyone else. Your mum is doing stuff to help and support you because she is your mum. Of course she is going to be closer when you have a baby. Your husband needs to understand that and have a relationship with his own mother. ( and father)
2. MIL and your mum are both the baby's grandparents. Your husband also needs to facilitate that grandparent relationship with his own parents (its more on him than you) but he also needs to understand that your mum and your MIL are different roles and he needs to shut up about what is fair. You need to support the grand parent relationship but also recognise that its going to be different for you, so stop comparing them so closely. Some grandparents are better when the kids are different ages, eg older or teens. Now you need your own mum more but Mil might come into her own later, given the chance. Give her a place but be clear to your other half that she might never be as close to you as your own mum and that is nothing to do with being fair, and everything to do with being your mum. Does your husband spend as much time/effort with your dad as his own? I think he is not really thinking and just trying to get his mum off his back.

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100%!

op clearly IS spending a lot of time with her MIL and not cutting her out in any way shape or form.

I swear people on here don’t even try to read what’s being written

that makes no sense at all, the OP is not asking the MIL for favour, why should she hide away, out or in an office, to avoid her?

Your MIL sounds super annoying. What sort of adult who has had their own children can't even wipe a child's sticky hands, feed a toddler, cut up food or change a nappy? It would drive me absolutely nuts.

I can see why you being relegated to the role of a paid nanny while your MIL enjoys all the 'fun (easy) bits' of having children or grandchildren would really get on your nerves.

Your husband sounds rather defensive because you spend more time with your mum when he is at work. You need to tell him that your mum lightens your load, while his mum doesn't. In fact, hosting her makes more work for you.

Yes absolutely! My mil only offered to have one child, the eldest for a few hours if she was in a good mood, otherwise she’d bring her back! She’d only do it if I was cleaning as the house needed it! Like you, I wanted to sit and hold her! We were never close and I always felt judged for my messy house!

I am a ML and grandma to three children under 6. I live 5 miles away from my son and DIL. I accept that I won’t have the same relationship with my DIL as she does with her own mum but it does make me sad that I miss out on a lot of the ‘fun stuff’ when it comes to my grandsons. Their other granny lives 4 hours away but visits regularly - which is great of course. She has visited Santa with the children every Christmas, been on many weekend breaks away and countless shows and events. I am not invited as a general rule. I’ll get a call if the eldest needs picking up from school or if I’m needed for babysitting duties but that’s about it.
I am not demanding and there hasn’t been a fall out between me and DIL. I was very close to my own mum but by the time my children arrived my MIL had passed away there wasn’t the need to ‘share’ the grandchildren.
I was once invited to a National Trust event (the other granny wasn’t available) but asked to keep it under my hat.

I’m sorry @mtrkk but this sounds miserable. You should not be made to feel like “The Help” in your own family and in your own home. You need to decline the invitations to ‘relaxing’ days out that are actually hard work, and spend more time prioritising yourself. Don’t be a doormat. Best of luck.

But it's not "support" really is it, if one Nanny can't so much as change the baby or cut a meal up.
It becomes harder would and I suspect OP feels like the company of MIL is similar to the burden of another child to manage and monitor!

this I think

This!!!

Or just be honest and say something like, "Please can you just do it, I really need your help". If she still doesn't help you after essentially begging for her help, then fuck her and keep the relationship as it is. Explain clearly to your DH that she refuses to help, even when you really need it and have pleaded, and she's more of a hindrance than a help!

I would just relax and let my DH steer the relationship. It’s his mum, so he can organise the visits, etc. He should be an equal partner in this aspect of parenting. Let him and his mum hang out with DC and you go and have a coffee/read a book. Good habit to get into for the future and a good habit to model for your DC: i.e. it’s not women’s role to manage all the family relationships. (They’ll be subtle push back of course. These views are so entrenched.)

@mtrkkI have a young relative with two young children. He works from home all the time, his wife works in the city( big job). She is not around much. His mother lives nearby and does a couple of days childcare a week for them. Her mother, who lives a couple of hours away got upset that she doesn’t see the children as often. The husband, who is a nice man and loves his wife suggested that his MiL came up for two days and spent the night with them so she got to see the children. Yes, he prefers having his mother around all day. She makes him lunch and does things he remembers as a child. However, he is a kind and nice man and he can see that it is important to his wife and MIL to be equally involved in childcare. He is a nice man. Hooray for the fathers who don’t feel they have to be in competition with their parents in law and are kind. Being kind is underrated on MN.

If your husband took the children to hers alone would she expect him to do all the ' nannying' ? Or is that just you?

Of course you're being unfair-she is the grandmother just as much! As for recreating a relationship-of course you can. Some people never speak to their birth mums and have good relationships with MIL.
Some of my relatives were more helpful than others, but even the ones who came round and expected to be waited on hand and foot/got in the way were welcomed, because they're my kids' family, and I want to give them the best chance of having a good relationship when they're older. Also, I expect my husband, as a decent guy, would go mad if I excluded his mum (and it's sad when a gran is only getting to see the baby after a divorce).
I invited MIL to everything my mum was invited to-and own mum would have torn a strip off me if I'd tried to exclude her from things like wedding arrangements/antenatal classes etc. If my daughter chooses to marry when she grows up, I will expect to be treated equally to her partner's mum, and equally involved as the baby deserves both grandparents.

Your mum is your mum you can’t recreate that with anyone else. However if she can come and go to be fair to DH when he’s home his mum should be able to too. MIL doesn’t really sound like that’s what she actually wants to do though. She sounds mainly ok to me tbf. A nice MIL but not your Mum just as your mum will never replace your DH’s mum.

From experience - there is a huge difference between a MIL who won't change a nappy or make their own cup of tea versus anyone else who comes round to see the baby/children and give you a break so makes their own tea and looks after the child not just has a cuddle while they're happy and then hands them straight back the minute they need changing, feeding or entertaining.

Sometimes it's the other way round - the MIL is the 'takes it all in their stride' great company and the Mum is the one that comes round and expects to be waited on.

Whichever way round, one is helping and is great company and the other is making demands and has conditions attached to everything which is exhausting and full of entitlement. YANBU. DH should help navigate this and have more contact with his Mother.

Have a look at the thread about the MIL being cold after her son and DIL spilt. Honestly it's not worth making the extra effort, she's not your family.

This. She sounds pretty nice.

Mil sounds not confident around young children. Rather than rude from that update.

She had Nannie’s do everything and just thinks she’s going to fail and publicly if it’s in front of people.

Id try asking her to babysit at her house for half an hour here and there. She will have to chop up some food and burp a baby. Drop them off and just drive to a coffee shop and enjoy a coffee then pop back.

OP, I completely understand where you’re coming from. The thing about husbands is that they never have to field their MIL on their own, whereas it’s taken for granted that because the wife’s MIL wants to see the DGC, her DIL will make herself and DC available when DH isn’t there. I understand that your MIL wants to be involved - but very clearly on her own terms. If she had nannies, she probably thinks child-rearing is a piece of cake because she never had to do the hard yards. And she is clearly not a hands-on Grandmother, if she can’t even wipe a few sticky fingers with a babywipe, or cut up a child’s dinner. It’s very unrealistic of her, thinking she can drop in during the week like your own DM - as you say, you simply don’t have that relationship. As for “DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?”, tell him: she can come and go as she pleases when he’s at home, and only when he’s at home. That, really, is the crux of the matter - MIL wants to see the DC and she sees you because you are there with them. It’s not even a bit the same as having your own DM there, which is why I am at pains only to visit my own DS and family when he’s at home. My DIL is lovely, and she’s also very close to her own mother, who lives a lot closer than I do. I don’t understand why on earth your DH would think that you should have the same relationship with your MIL as with your own mother.

She does make an effort! Just not a 100% equal one! And that’s perfectly fine, and normal.

It’s a different relationship. My mum could pop over whenever, and I didn’t care if I was in a state of undress, the house was a mess….the kids were ratty…I was in the middle of dinner. But I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else around. I expect my SIL eels the same way about her mum (my Mil) as I do mine. It’s not that controversial is it?

I feel for your MIL. She just wants a relationship with her DGC. My DGPs had very different income levels but I had the same relationship with them both.

I think you are fortunate you've got the support from both sides.

Now that would be my MIL & it really would be that she has so little confidence that she would be afraid of doing it wrong!

There were no nannies either!

I think she takes not wanting to overstep to the absolute extreme!

I had a MIL like that (well, maybe worse) and it was hell. My ex used to be away for extended periods and she really, really tried hard to encroach in every aspect possible.

All her good deeds came at a cost. She threw a fit when we didn’t agree to the nursery she wanted (far from ours, close to hers), then nagged me to pay for the one we chose, eventually we gave in to shut her up… then she’d frequently show up there unannounced. Honestly, just awkward all around.

Of course it’s a different relationship than with your own mother. It’s not as relaxed or informal.