To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

I’d winch at Dior logoed clothing as well. Your DH should be taking the lead in involving his mother more when he’s around and gently guiding her in type of help that works for you both.

However you should be involving her more than school events, birthdays & Christmas.

@Batcatsi agree. I don’t want anyone cleaning my house. I would find that an invasion of my privacy and if a grandparent wants to hold and bond with their grandchild….then crack on!

I don’t see what OPs MIL has done wrong.
The way OP has written sounds transactional on ‘what people do for me in the way I want’.

my child is 7 and has equal relationships with both grandparents, both sets of grandparents have a good relationship with each other and sometimes meet up when they have their grandchildren. My niece has a lovely relationship with my in laws and my nephew on the other side calls her his cousin.

In my head the grandparents are there ‘for the nice bits’ I can ask both if they can babysit and because our daughter has good relationship with both she’s very comfortable at both.

Everyone has their flaws! My in laws and parents can get on my nerves (I probably get on theirs at times as well!)

I don’t have the same relationship with my in laws as my parents (because they aren’t my parents) but for my child they have the same relationship with both.

I agree the relationship is totally different and you can’t force it. Your own mum is really coming to look after you and help you out - you are her priority. I can see it probably feels like your MIL is only trying to see the children which is understandable but it naturally means the relationship and involvement is different - you would see your mom whether you had the children or not - but you probably wouldn’t spend the time with your MIL. That said I agree with some of the other posts - give her times that work for you and ask for help and leave her to it. See how her stance changes then

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL and I don’t think your DH is wrong. You talk about her finances a lot. Are you sure you haven’t decided she is too different to you - mentioning her buying expensive clothes you don’t like and booking restaurants you wouldn’t pick?

She sounds kind and like she’s making an effort with you. I don’t think she sounds like she’s trying to be your mum but rather she is trying to establish a closer relationship with you. I think your focus on her as though she is directly trying to replicate that exact relationship is unhelpful. She clearly loves your children and wants to get on with you and be involved in your lives in a loving way.

Tell your DH you’re happy for his mother to drop in- when HE is at home to hang out with her.

Have you tried asking her to take the children out.

I get the relationship is never going to be the same as with your mum and I’m normally pretty firm in the dh’s mum is his problem. But yours doesn’t seem to of don’t anything wrong as such you just need to tell her if she wants to be treated like mum then be open to her like mum then she might behave more in a way you like as well.

But I’d definitely be letting her take the children out and every so often then ask her to babysit while I went out if she is willing and happy to.

Sil sees which Side her bread is buttered with her weather mil willing to invest in her and her children’s lives via trips, meals out and holidays and even clothes and gifts. You don’t have to accept that if you don’t want to but it would be silly to automatically turn down every offer as well.

“DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?”

no he doesn’t think that or want that. or care. What he wants is for his mum to get off his case and stop complaining to him 😉

So guess what, he can take the kids over once in the week for dinner, and one day of the weekend! Then You have plenty of time to get your hair done and buy milk, and your mum won’t need to babysit so much 😉

Do you have a baby boy OP? If so, you could be a MIL one day, how would you feel in these circumstances.

I agree OP. My mum would come over almost daily when my baby was tiny, and she did everything for me while I sat cuddling my baby. The only time she held her was so I could have a shower. When my MIL visited, it was to hold the baby.

Also remember that your DMs primary relationship is with you. So she is more likely to do stuff for you. Your MIL primary relationship is with your DC (and her son). So she wants to play with the DC, buy them stuff etc.
Also as MIL its hard to step in to a DIL world and take over tasks. One is worried about doing it wrong. As evidenced in many threads on here. Much easier for your DM, who probably does stuff the way you do!
And yes your DH should facilitate the relationship between your DC and MIL. But there is no need to be a barrier to it.

Sounds very much like if she won’t clean/cook, “help” then she isn’t welcome.
if a tantrum happened and she intervened when you were there, potentially you’d be unhappy with her reaction, sounds like she can’t win.
maybe there is a convo needed that whilst you are grateful for the clothes etc, they aren’t your style etc, I doubt she is doing anything to purposely annoy you, from what you’ve posted it sounds like you don’t want her involved. I don’t think she expects the same relationship with you as you have with your mum but wants the same relationship your mum has with the kids.

Somewhere in between YABU and YANBU. I don't think it's possible to recreate the relationship with your mum between you and MIL. I do think when MIL offers to come over and play with the kids you should try to say yes.

This. As a mother of daughters, I encourage them to be equal and fair to their MIL, especially now they have their own children. It makes for a much better atmosphere and I love my sons in law so why would we not feel the same for their parents if they are decent people.

It doesn't sound like you're deliberately trying to exclude MIL, it's just that she's offering/suggesting things that don't suit you/your life?

If DH thinks she's missing out, it's on him to steer her into making offers/suggestions that work better for your family.

I think you’re being mean. I don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong, she’s trying hard to develop a relationship with you (not trying to take over from your mum in any way but doing her best) and she loves her son and grandchildren and YOU. I think you’re awkward and as the mother of sons it makes me feel very sad. Honestly, you just wish she didn’t exist and that’s so unfair.

And you definitely have a dh problem. She's not your mother and it's ludicrous she'd expect to be treated as if she was.

He can see her when he wants. And so can you.

Hmmm I’m pretty sure you’d be on here complaining if your kids weren’t being given the same attention and resources as other kids in the family

The woman has done nothing wrong and you are the sort we dread our sons marrying!

They are as much her grandchildren as they are your mothers

it is a shame you feel so threatened - just let your husband and kids go and be with her and you sit at home or pop round your mums?

100%

You mentioned DH once. I think I know where the problem lies.

Is dh there to entertain her? I bet not. And that's why she doesn't get to come and go as she likes. It's not his place to choose your companions for you.

See as little of her as you please. He can hang out with her as he chooses.

I never understand the posts on here about people moaning that their MIL might want to HOLD their newborn grandchild instead of cleaning the house top to bottom.

It seems if you're an MIL on here you can't win. MILs who want to be involved and hold their grandchildren or buy them gifts or God forbid "play" with them are moaned at for wanting to being too involved and not doing a weeks worth of batch cooking, laundry or housework for an OP rather than the main focus should be of a grandparents spending time with their grandchild, building relationships and bonds. Not being an unpaid maid for the OP.

They are then on other threads accused of not being involved or not providing childcare. It really seems you can't win whatever they do.

It’s DH role to facilitate the relationship with his parents, not yours.

If he wants to spend his free time going to see them, he’s at liberty to do that. He doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your free time.

You have a DH problem. It’s his job to find ways to include his mother, not yours.

Obviously you don't have the longevity or closeness of relationship with MIL as you do your mum, but you do seem somewhat determined to paint MIL in a poor light and see the worst of her than anything else, when all she seems to be doing is trying to be part of yours and her grandchildren's lives.

Your husband also needs to get more involved too (taking his kids to see her, doing things with her etc), but honestly, take a step back and see the love behind her actions, not malice. And maybe you'll end up with a far better relationship with her than the one you are preventing right now.

You are obviously not going to have the same relationship with her that you do with your own mother
But shes just as much a Grandparent to your children as your mum is.