AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

GO to the police immediately.

OP listen to this expert.

I’m sorry you and your daughter are experiencing this, and I hope she is ok this morning.

We had a slightly different scenario a couple of years ago but based on that I’d recommend calling the NSPCC for advice - they were incredibly supportive, talked us through options and then they referred us to the relevant agencies (I think this included them contacting the police initially on our behalf). Unfortunately their helpline isn’t open over weekends. Your daughter can also call Childline for independent advice. I was really open with my teenager that we needed advice first to make good decisions to support & protect them, as initially we didn’t know what to do.

The police were also brilliant, as were the safeguarding team at school, and I was grateful for the expertise, support & advice they stepped in quickly to give us as a family.

Forget all the noise around whether the messages can be retrieved on Snapchat, that’s for the powers that be to sort out.

You don’t have an option, and your daughter who is a child certainly doesn’t have an option. You HAVE to report this to the police today. If you do not report this and he tells another girl to kill herself and she does, you could have prevented it.

Not even up for debate.

Please, please report to police. I know you DD doesn’t want you to, but you have to be the adult here. What he’s done is illegal. The next girl he says this to might actually kill herself. It happens. He needs stopping.

Good idea I second this. Different situation but I contacted them, had a talk and they took notes. It’s a very unusual situation and I wasn’t sure how seriously they’d take it. They said they would review the details and someone would be in contact 7-10 days. Less than two hours later I had a phone call back and they’re taking it very seriously.

This happened to my DD during lockdown. It was going into lockdown that gave her the space to break up with the boy. It culminated in her agreeing to meet him and he attacked her. It all came out about how abusive he was and was sending similar messages to the ones you describe. She was 15 at the time as was the boy. Police were involved and he got a caution (another story). We knew nothing until the attack. We were totally blindsided. My advice is to go the police now don’t put it off.

Victim-blaming much? In any event, the Freedom programme is not suitable for teens.

No! Police will intervene if this is reported.

You’re misunderstanding what they’re saying.

Snap saves certain info - account details like IP addresses, phone numbers registered to the account, metadata like location, time stamps, message type (photo vs vid vs message), and other info like that which can be really helpful in criminal cases, memories, saved conversations are also kept and they and will keep unopened messages for 30 days, but once a message is viewed by everyone and deleted, it’s gone. It isn’t backed up or saved on their servers anymore.

If Snap was actually secretly backing up deleted messages they’d be in flagrant breach of privacy laws across the world for storing data in contradiction with their own policies which say their servers auto delete after viewing, and the fines that would be imposed on them would be astronomical. It doesn’t matter if they’re only using them to aid with law enforcement, the data subjects still need to be informed of how long the data is retained. They can’t legally say one thing and do another.

The police can only retrieve what exists, which is messages the users save, or messages snap saves because they have a court order telling them to save messages associated with a certain account.

There is sometimes a chance that additional info can be retrieved a short while after through forensic analysis because some temporary data is saved in the phones cache but that’s overwritten frequently and not always that helpful so it definitely isn’t a given.

I voted yabu because you need to protect your daughter and go to the police.

I would tell the police. It is serious enough to warrant that. He needs to stop and I would worry he is unpredictable and unchecked may escalate his behaviour. You have no idea what the parents are like, the police is the safer bet in my view.

sidenote - years ago as a young adult I was stalked by a man at university - messages, letters, and standing outside my flat. I didn’t go to the police, I just told the uni. He was publically told to stop and did, which I was grateful for. But I do wonder what he has done since to others and wish I’d gone to the police. I can’t believe he just realised this behaviour was inappropriate.

To your situation. OP I think this boys behaviour needs to be seen by someone in authority and called out as wrong. I hope it will make your DD feel protected.

What an absolutely horrible thing for your DD to have to go through.

I'm sending your daughter, you and your family big hugs.

I was originally reticent about involving the police but this boy has set up a new account to harass your daughter, after she blocked him. That is a worrying escalation in his behaviour. Your daughter may not want to involve the police but she is 14! They don't make the best decisions. Even if Snapchat messages dissapear, you have witnessed them, so the police have eye witness evidence. Take this to the police, for the boys sake as much as your daughters, as his behaviour could well escalate further.

Don’t speak to his parents. They won’t believe you. I think as other posters have said, school and Police. I’m so sorry your daughter is goimg through this.

After going to the police, I think it would be wise to discuss the freedom programme or therapy with your daughter. All too often people seem to repeat a pattern of entering abusive relationships and I'd want to minimise the chances of that happening.

What a ridiculous and useless post.

Of course OP needs to inform the police. It may well not blow over and the next girl the boy tells to kill herself may do so.

@ittakesalongtimr

Police ASAP - regardless of how your daughter feels, I’m afraid.
Also, definitely email the school & tell them the full details & what you’re doing about it. Update with a crime no. when you have one. Someone will be checking in - they have a duty of care & there are all sorts of safeguarding measures in place to protect students during times they’re not in school so while you might not get a response, it will be flagged. (I work in a school) Also, if needs be, when it gets to the end of the holidays, ask them to contact you to let you know what they are going to do to make sure your daughter is safe from this boy whilst on school property.

From Snapchat itself:

While it's true that we value ephemerality in our Snaps and Chats, some information may be retrieved by law enforcement through proper legal process.

We work with law enforcement and governmental agencies to promote safety on our platform. Snap is committed to assisting law enforcement while respecting the privacy and rights of our users. Once we have received and established the validity of a legal request for Snapchat account records, we respond in compliance with applicable law and privacy requirements.

We regularly support law enforcement investigations, so if you ever feel that a crime has been committed, we encourage you to contact your local law enforcement immediately.

I have a teen son and I would absolutely want to be told if he was sending messages like that!
I would be horrified and would make absolute sure he would never send anything like that again!

Safeguarding team at school.

Unfortunately OP, you are the adult here regardless of your daughter’s wishes. Confiscate her phone if you havnt already and ensure you can access it so that you can screenshot any new messages that come in today.

Call the police. This boy is dangerous. He remains a danger to your daughter.

your daughter can refuse to speak to them if she wants to. The allegations can still be investigated. You have no idea what evidence is in his phone.

You need to instill to your daughter why what he is doing is a crime and must not be tolerated.

And if you don’t have screenshots and go to the parents. You have no evidence, and give him opportunity to clean his devices.

confiscate her phone now. Police today.

you are enabling his behaviour if you don’t do this.

So sorry for your daughter and you.
Haven't read all, but has it been suggested to contact either social services or NSPCC?
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/report/
They will be able to advise you. I have found them very helpful in the past. I don't see any point contacting the boys parents and giving them the heads up. You just need to know how to keep your daughter safe.

They will be on a rota, well we are at our school. They will just tell the OP to contact the police. And with the best will in the world, I can’t see them doing much. Unless it’s sustained contact, then they might.

Kids telling other kids to kill themselves is rife in schools. Sad but true.

Also, can’t you set the account to only receive messages from friends, then it won’t matter if he keeps setting up new accounts.

Speak to parents