AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

Go to the police. This boy should get the full force of whatever law applies. I'd also take the messages to the school and inform them the messages.

I wouldn't all to the parents...let the police and school do that.

I think speaking to the parents is absolutely the way to go first.

Tell them what was said and how it was said i.e. snap chat. If they do not believe you, and I get that, they will want proof, I probably would too, explain you can get them proof but only if you go to the police, which you are willing to do, as you have seen the messages and you know the police can retrieve them. Or they can take your word for it and act upon it.

Decide what you need them to do, where the line is drawn for you, and if they do not take it seriously, then go to the police. Set your stall out clearly on this so they know where the line is drawn.

I am a firm believer that parents should be told first. I would however send the school an email, explaining the situation and outlining your actions, not with the intention of them taking action unless things escalate, but because they need to know in case this rears its head again, that its not his first offence.

The thing with young relationships now is that lots of it is done online and they don't get to see the physical effects of their words on each other and it tends to be relationship by jury these days and I couldn't cope with that as an adult.

My one caveat here is that you don't know why they split, your daughter may not be completely innocent (although she/you do not deserve the nature of the comments he has made) so tread carefully, stick with facts not hypothesis.

I wouldn't let my 14 year old call the shots with something like this, she simply doesn't have the life experience and understanding to make the best choices.

I would take the phone, speak to the police. Personally I didn't allow mine to have snapchat at 14.

A young teenage girl in my town was murdered by her similarly young ex boyfriend. Just because he's 15 doesn't mean he's harmless.

Exactly. Or he may do it in future. This is the kind of thing that could form part of a case against someone as it shows a potential pattern of abuse. For example the police may not take seriously one complaint about abusive messages but if someone is a repeat offender it is easier to prove/convince the CPS etc.

Further to my post about how good the NSPCC have been with my situation, I should add I started by keeping certain parties anonymous, until I felt happy that the situation was as serious as I thought it was. So OP you could do this, then have a chat with your daughter and the next step would likely be she would speak to NSPCC. I was assigned someone who my nephew could call back directly once he felt comfortable.
I would call 101 this morning and do the same with them. The reason I advised against telling school yourself yet is partly because my experience (different event) was they didn’t want the person named, but also because I think the police should be advising on next steps. This is very serious but it also happens a lot in schools sadly.

This is brilliant. Thanks for sharing this. It’s important to know these things.

Not true of SnapChat messages. There will be records kept and a trail of the new accounts he created to send the messages.

Police and parents. He needs consequences stat!

Despite your DD’s wishes, this is a criminal matter.
And no matter what you do, I would definitely not speak to his parents. They could be just as vile as him, and you could be opening yourself up to a whole new world of abuse.

OP, I hope after some sleep and time to refect on these posts, that you've now abandoned any idea to go and speak to the parents and will talk to the police today. You've mentioned that you'd want to know if your child was behaving in this way- the boy's parents will find out but it shouldn't be from you. You might make things worse if you approach them.

This is serious enough to need more than a telling off from parents, a visit from the police will have much more impact and hopefully make this boy realise how harmful his behaviour is and that he can't do this to anyone, ever.

If this boy had physically hurt your daughter in any way, by hitting her or sexually assaulting her you wouldn't think about speaking to the parents in the hope it could all be resolved between you, you'd contact the police and this is also a matter for authorities to deal with- his intention is to cause psychological harm to your daughter.

Agree. I doubt this is the first time he’s done this - there will be other victims and hopefully police can find evidence to build a case.

There is also the possibility that once alerted they will anticipate police involvement and try to destroy evidence.

Any decent parent would feel this way. However, chances are this boy hasn’t become like this out of nowhere….

No-one knows really what the parents are like.

I would not approach them

OP, it sounds like you are not about to speak to the police. Everyone is advising you that this is the best course of action, and whilst I understand you’re reluctant to go against your daughter’s wishes when she’s already upset, this is a serious situation and you need to parent. That means you need to take the decision away from her. She is too young and too upset to make the right call. She is thinking about the consequences of further escalation from the boy if she reports him, and to her that is the most frightening and realistic outcome.

So I echo everybody and saying you should report this to the police.

Having said all of that if you are not going to, then you must report to the school and yes, I would report to his parents The parents may be useless or worse aggressive themselves, but equally they may be reasonable people who are absolutely horrified by what he’s done. In a way, it doesn’t matter Once the boy knows his actions are not a secret and that an adult is aware and in control of the narrative, he may just stop. If he doesn’t, you have no choice but police

OP this is a very serious matter. A 15-year-old encouraging a 14-year-old to end her life is potentially a criminal offence in the UK, and your daughter's safety comes before her preferences about how you handle it.

You need to take charge and confiscate her phone while you act - explain that this isn’t punishment, as she has done nothing wrong, but it’s to protect her. This is not negotiable - you are the adult, she is the child and you are acting to protect her. Ideally you should screenshot or photograph the messages and see if they’re on auto-backup to cloud services, as screenshots may be there even if she deletes them. You should also make notes of dates and times, of what you've seen yourself - it counts as witness testimony.

If you think she’s in immediate danger ring 999 - that would be my go to if the messages are ongoing - alternatively 101 to report. Tell police she's being coerced into silence and may try to delete the evidence. They can usually forensically recover deleted items so at this point reporting is the main concern and worry about evidence later.

As for your daughter refusing to talk to police, it really doesn’t matter. The boy can be investigated and potentially prosecuted for encouraging or assisting suicide, and also for malicious communications - the police don't need her statement to build a case if other evidence exists, and se may not be his only victim. But you really do need to act quickly if these messages are flooding in.

Her refusal to talk to police is a red flag and it suggests he's controlling her or she's frightened of consequences for him. As difficult as it may be, you need to tell her first and foremost that she hasn’t done anything wrong and none of this is her fault - that she won’t get in trouble for anything, but she is in danger if this continues, and that his behaviour is a crime against her, not a secret between them. She is not responsible for the consequences to him of the choices he made.

You can also ring childline 0800 1111, or NSPCC 0800 800 5000 for advice on safeguarding and reporting without her consent - and how to protect her while you act. Ideally you should also contact the school , but at this point they may have already started the summer holidays.

I wouldn’t approach the parents. You have no idea how they will react and if they suspect you will involve the police they may try to destroy evidence. Your priority is your daughter’s protection, so l would let the police deal with that side of things.

Police non-urgent number and safeguarding lead at school. This kind of behaviour at 15 could lead to much worse later. Tell your DD that she is helping other girls as well as herself.

I'm not familiar with Snapchat so don’t know if it would work but could you use another device eg iPad to take a photo of the message (rather than screenshot it) ?

DEFINITELY report to police!

Report to police. If any more messages come in, use your phone to film yourself opening them and show what they say. I'd also speak to his parents if they seem the reasonable sort.

exactly.......

Send an email to school. I am sure someone will pick up the email. He will likely do this again and school need to keep an eye.Speak to your daughter again when things are calmer. This is how as women we start to normalise domestic abuse.

If you haven't done so already, get her phone and screenshot or forward the messages to your phone, before she gets a chance to delete them. Block him on her phone.

Everything in this. So well surmised. Your dd feelings are understandable but those feelings are the ones that perpetuate boys and men doing these harmful things. There is a good lesson for all that could come from this is you choose to take that path. Difficult I know but OP please do it.