AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

According to google Snapchat can be retrieved by the police, using specialist technology.

Waiting days for the police to visit is very poor.

He sounds like an unhinged, nasty piece of work.

Nice to see he’s been arrested, yet again but is going on, again, about being targeted by the authorities. He turns my stomach.
I am old enough to be this young girl’s grandma. I can remember being targeted at this age, nowhere near as badly as this. But the thing was once you shut the front door, that was it. Unless someone chanced ringing the house phone or writing a letter.
Telling another human being to take their own life is vile. And we know from the news that sometimes the message is acted upon.
I know that teenagers coming out of a romance don’t always take rejection well. But this is to the extreme, and this young man needs a wake-up call, as do his parents.

Get her a new SIM card. No snap chat or WhatsApp. Only very trusted people can have the number . Don’t cancel the other one until she’s talked to the police, keep the SIM card so she can’t have access.
Im sure the school have to monitor safeguarding emails over the summer. I’m sure there will be something on the school website.
Screen shot everything you can.
Keep her busy, it’s great she has job. Encourage her to meet up with friends you know and trust over the summer.

I've answered earlier in the thread why it is - in fact - classic victim-blaming.

We can agree to disagree about the Freedom Programme - I am aware that it is used by some domestic abuse services but in my view it is dated, overly simplistic, not trauma informed, victim-blaming and most importantly of all, it lacks an evidence base.

This Andrew Tate in the making needs to be stopped. It’s concerning that so many young boys have this mentality.

Never ever ever the parents. Esp when they aren’t well known to you.

Of course it isnt victim blaming what on earth are you talking about

The freedom programme is run by a number of DA/DV support services as well as online and they'll nearly always do a version for young people, we refer to ours regularly for work with teens (usually girls) who have been or who are in relationships like this and they'll either get the young person on a group for support or do direct outreach work which is akin to the Freedom Programme. The principles are the same.

The police can apparently get Snapchat to recover messages if a crime is believed to have been committed. I think the idea of a cheap temporary phone would be a good one. Or perhaps someone has an old phone that you can put a PAYG SIM card into?

A gift seriously?

I recommend emailing the school, FAO DSL which should be picked up over the holiday.

This may be the final piece needed to confirm a wider issue.

Here’s how to do it

@ittakesalongtimr OP, I’m not sure what type of phone your daughter has but with iPhones, you can set up parental screen times and choose which apps she can and can’t have access to, and at what times, with a passcode (not the same one that unlocks the phone so you can do your own that she doesn’t know). It might be worth blocking Snapchat and other social media while she’s working and then when she gets home you can unblock them and any pending messages will
come through. If he’s sent anymore threatening messages, you can take a photo of them with your phone so he doesn’t get a notification saying it’s been screenshot.

I second the advice re parents. They will just move fast to remove all of the evidence. They may also turn on you. It’s so serious the police will follow the usual protocol and policy, best to let them deal with it.

While waiting on the police, I'd be inclined to get her a new sim card with a new phone number. You could put her current sim in an old phone to keep track of what's coming in. It might be worth going into a phone shop to ask advice.

Don't go near the parents. They'll shoot the messenger.

Focus on dd now, and empowering her. In your position I would be buying her a gift to thank her for trusting you with the information (not all teens do) how proud of her you are for managing this to date. She needs to know this isn’t her fault, and whatever happens next it is better than the alternative (another teen dies)

We have had direct experience with this in our school - and the fallout was beyond horrific. Anyone that can spare a mother the agony of losing her child must do so. The life of a teen can never be replaced. I don’t want to worry you op, but watch out for ‘pressure’ coming from other sources not just the perpetrator. It is my understanding they use pressure build up as a strategy to push the teen into a desperate state or nude photos etc. She may be too embarrassed or scared to tell you other aspects of this story possibly.

I would be very cautious around everyone that contacts her.

Is her holiday job safe? Does he or others know where she is working?

The next few weeks are going to require extremely close monitoring. Can you ensure dds phone is with you from 9pm, and she sits with you in the evenings.

YABU to consider talking to the parents.

You need to take this straight to the police

You need to do this as a matter of extreme urgency.

This and a new temporary sim for the next few days.

... and re her reluctance to involve the police, I'd be frightened too in her shoes. There must be all manner of things going through her head.

I’m glad you have gone to the police.

i am thinking of the poor teenager having this hanging over her for days. She will likely hate the idea of having to talk to the police. If she reaches out to a friend for support could rumours get back to the lad? How much more abuse will she get over the coming days and will this escalate to abuse in person etc.

Need to be reported to the police immediately. I'm sorry but your 14 year old doesn't have a say in this because I don't think she understands the repercussions of what this boy is doing. Also inform the school.

I think we’re talking past each other because we’re using the same words to mean different things.

When I say ‘perpetrators target women who have already been harmed’, I’m describing a behaviour of abusive men - not a flaw or deficit within the woman. A perpetrator’s choice to target someone is not the same thing as a victim’s vulnerability. Those are two different phenomena, even if they interact.

I’m absolutely not arguing against supporting women, building confidence, or helping people understand abuse. Those things matter. But they don’t change the core fact that the responsibility for abuse always lies with the perpetrator, and that repeated victimisation is driven far more by perpetrator behaviour and structural conditions than by anything inside the victim.

Where we differ is you are framing repeated abuse as a pattern within the woman that needs to be ‘addressed’ but I’m framing it as a pattern within perpetrators and within the social conditions that make some women easier to isolate, discredit, or trap.

Those are not ‘the same thing’.

A woman can be educated, resilient, confident, trauma informed and still be targeted by an abusive man who is skilled at concealment, charm, and manipulation. Supporting her is essential - but it does not prevent a perpetrator from choosing to be abusive.

So yes, we absolutely should help women understand warning signs, recover from trauma, and rebuild their lives but we should do that without implying that their personal vulnerabilities caused the abuse or explain why it happened more than once.

That’s the distinction I’m protecting. It’s not dogmatic - it’s trauma informed, evidence based, and survivor centred.

Well done for calling the police. That must have been so hard. I think take steps so she's not alone and keep a very close eye on her phone. No arguments.

Edited for ridiculous autocorrect.

I don't think you can even report a crime in person these days at a police station? You report via 101 and then get an appointment at a police station to give your statement. Not sure at all what the point would be of going to another police station after reporting anyway?

Abusive men target women who have already been harmed because they are easier to isolate, discredit, or manipulate. This is a perpetrator behaviour, not a victim vulnerability.

They are the same thing!! You're arguing AGAINST empowering women who are vulnerable to abusive men by claiming there is nothing that can be done to increase resilience and reduce risk of further abusive relationships. I simply don't understand this supposedly feminist position. You sound dogmatic and disconnected to real human behaviour. How do you propose women make themselves safer if they are never supported to look at their own vulnerabilities and learn to identify abusive behaviour early on?

Previously I would have said contact his parents, but I live in the North East and after what happened to Holly Newton, go to the police. Remove your daughter’s phone or very closely monitor it. Call them again if she receives more messages. Contact school when the open, usually the day before children return. You could email the school, someone may be monitoring emails.