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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

412 replies

ittakesalongtimr · 18/07/2026 23:47

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
TheDevilWears · 19/07/2026 21:33

godmum56 · 19/07/2026 21:19

it always stopped??? how mant times did it happen that you dD was told to kill herself?

She was told to ‘kill herself’ - that’s sadly a pretty common teenage theme 🙁 she was also subjected to racist abuse, she was threatened - as was I and her sister, she was videoed at a swimming pool and the video shared online … teenagers can be really horrible. I just felt that it was best to speak to the parents first and give them an opportunity to speak ti their child …

Nearly50omg · 19/07/2026 21:29

TheDevilWears · 19/07/2026 21:15

Everyone is saying police. I had issues with my DD and I went straight to the parents 🤷🏼‍♀️ teenagers are often keyboard warriors and say things that they don’t mean. Emotions run high … their brains are not anywhere close to being fully developed. I didn’t think involving the police was the right port of call initially. When I spoke to the parents I advised them that if my DD continued to experience bullying/hate/racism from their child I would be taking it further. It always stopped …

This nasty little bastard is telling his ex girlfriend to kill herself not just once but over and over again opening new accounts to do it!!! Lying about her parents and stalking and harassing her!!! This is a police matter and I’d advise her mum to go back to the police and make a complaint as the harassment and stalking needs to be taken more seriously and not left a week!!

godmum56 · 19/07/2026 21:19

TheDevilWears · 19/07/2026 21:15

Everyone is saying police. I had issues with my DD and I went straight to the parents 🤷🏼‍♀️ teenagers are often keyboard warriors and say things that they don’t mean. Emotions run high … their brains are not anywhere close to being fully developed. I didn’t think involving the police was the right port of call initially. When I spoke to the parents I advised them that if my DD continued to experience bullying/hate/racism from their child I would be taking it further. It always stopped …

it always stopped??? how mant times did it happen that you dD was told to kill herself?

TheDevilWears · 19/07/2026 21:15

Everyone is saying police. I had issues with my DD and I went straight to the parents 🤷🏼‍♀️ teenagers are often keyboard warriors and say things that they don’t mean. Emotions run high … their brains are not anywhere close to being fully developed. I didn’t think involving the police was the right port of call initially. When I spoke to the parents I advised them that if my DD continued to experience bullying/hate/racism from their child I would be taking it further. It always stopped …

YourCoralCritic · 19/07/2026 20:48

julesover40 · 18/07/2026 23:59

As per Pp, absolutely report to School and police. Do not engage with his parents x

Agree! 100%!
If he's spouting hideous ideas to someone he supposedly has feelings for, god knows what they're like (I appreciate this is only a maybe). One young person taking their life is one too many, & we heartbreakingly know this happens so PLEASE don't take any risks with this! Police and School only! Better safe than sorry!

Good Luck 💐

NoisyMonster678 · 19/07/2026 20:42

You need to involve the police OP, this is harassment and coercive control.

Tell ( don't ask your DD before you contact police to see if they can keep this loser away from her as he is a threat to her physical and emotional wellbeing.

Its extremly serious, you can't deal with this by yourself, this loser may be harassing other girls and if he is not stopped in time it has potential to be catastrophic.

Don't speak to his parents just involve police, its vital he is stopped.

Difficulty101 · 19/07/2026 20:27

Police and school, not the parents as you don't know them and how they will react.

PetulaGordeno · 19/07/2026 20:23

Why don’t people read the updates?!!!!

ScrollingLeaves · 19/07/2026 20:07

ThreadGuardDog · 19/07/2026 10:50

Can you not get her a cheap phone to use in the interim ?. I understand the need for her to keep in contact but giving her back the phone isn’t ideal - not least because you don’t know if/when the abuse will start up again.

This is what I would suggest too. She would be able to contact you perfectly well with one.

You would see if new messages were to come in and could photograph them and your dd would not have to see them.

BurtsBeefCrisps · 19/07/2026 20:05

Police - as this could escalate. Your daughter also needs to understand about toxic masculinity, misogyny, coercive control and what it can lead to. I know you want to protect her but this is very serious and you can’t rely on the parents to deal with it appropriately. I am sorry, it’s truly vile behaviour and quite frightening. Sorry to be alarmist but this should not be swept aside imo.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 19/07/2026 19:44

So glad you spoke to the police. It’s so important that we teach our kids what is unacceptable and you’ve taught her a valuable lesson in addressing it head on. Well done, I know it can’t have been easy.

TeaCupTinsel · 19/07/2026 19:42

ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 10:33

Update :

Firstly, thank you so much for the incredibly helpful replies. They gave me perspective and insight and I’m truly grateful.
I called the police this morning (no physical station here now, I drove there and realised it was no longer in use😞) so called 101.
Long wait / call short: they are sending an officer out but it likely won’t be until the middle of next week as they are very busy. They told me to keep screenshots (but understood the worst ones she’d opened and were gone) and to call back if she feels unsafe or direct threats to her life are made. I understand they are busy but next week feels awfully far away. I can’t keep her phone until then as she has a holiday job and right now there is no way I want her being without a phone to contact me /DH if needed.
Thank you all so much once again.

If you email the school designated safeguarding lead, they will be checking emails over the holiday usually. If not, they'll be one of the first to pick the messages up on the school return and will action it quickly.

Tuesdayschild50 · 19/07/2026 19:24

I'd report it to the police they are horrendous messages to your daughter absolutely vile.

Nearly50omg · 19/07/2026 18:55

It’s not up to a child to make that decision. You as the adult need to report this to the police!!!!

Mykneesareshot · 19/07/2026 18:54

Buy your daughter a cheap phone from a supermarket just for contact to.you while she's at work and you keep the actual phone then you will see if anything else comes in?

Netcurtainnelly · 19/07/2026 18:49

Block him. Nobody needs to receive messages from anyone.

mydogisthebest · 19/07/2026 18:47

Bluestar1971 · 19/07/2026 18:21

Need to tell his parents what he has said and that they need to talk to their son about not sending any further messages to your daughter. Leave the police for now, but if there is a repeat telling the school and police. Word from them may help

Read the thread! Op has contacted the police

Bluestar1971 · 19/07/2026 18:21

Need to tell his parents what he has said and that they need to talk to their son about not sending any further messages to your daughter. Leave the police for now, but if there is a repeat telling the school and police. Word from them may help

RampantIvy · 19/07/2026 18:11

Namechangee11 · 19/07/2026 17:47

Police, immediately.

OP has contacted them and updated this thread.

Ariana12 · 19/07/2026 18:05

Good luck. Horrible situation for you and your daughter.

Namechangee11 · 19/07/2026 17:47

Police, immediately.

Rosesandthorns66 · 19/07/2026 17:08

ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 10:33

Update :

Firstly, thank you so much for the incredibly helpful replies. They gave me perspective and insight and I’m truly grateful.
I called the police this morning (no physical station here now, I drove there and realised it was no longer in use😞) so called 101.
Long wait / call short: they are sending an officer out but it likely won’t be until the middle of next week as they are very busy. They told me to keep screenshots (but understood the worst ones she’d opened and were gone) and to call back if she feels unsafe or direct threats to her life are made. I understand they are busy but next week feels awfully far away. I can’t keep her phone until then as she has a holiday job and right now there is no way I want her being without a phone to contact me /DH if needed.
Thank you all so much once again.

I think it is important that between now and the middle of next week, if you could get some screen shots or pictures of the messages from this boy. This will give the police evidence. So if the boy involved tries to deny anything, he won't be believed.
I don't think the boy will turn around and say, yes that was me sending the messages and I'm sorry.
These are very serious messages and thankfully your daughter has a lovely mother that she can talk to, otherwise this boys nasty actions could have turned this situation into something more serious.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Look after yourself and your daughter ❤️. Give her lots of support and let her know she is very important to you and she is loved.

AlleycatMarie · 19/07/2026 15:58

Well done OP. I know it won’t have been easy to make that call when your DD didn’t want you too, but I promise you have done the right thing for her and other girls.

RoseField1 · 19/07/2026 15:56

Rosegard · 19/07/2026 15:50

According to google Snapchat can be retrieved by the police, using specialist technology.

Waiting days for the police to visit is very poor.

He sounds like an unhinged, nasty piece of work.

Not for something like this 🙄🙄🙄
And it's not an emergency. Do you think police should be prioritising this above actual emergencies?

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