Page 3 | AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

ittakesalongtimr · 2026-07-18T22:47:22+00:00

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all. They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language. I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free. Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

Tiggermad · 20/07/2026 21:22

Police because he wil do this again and again. This is harassment and DV.
He won’t stop at your daughter he needs reporting.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 20/07/2026 21:20

Disgusting behaviour. Thankfully the relationship ended between them.
I would contact his parents if you’re not involving the police. I would appreciate it if another parent contacted me if DS was behaving like a cruel lunatic.

Original poster

ittakesalongtimr · 20/07/2026 21:19

What doesn’t help is the online chats continuing without her, so she’s hearing second hand from friends about the rumours about me which upset her the most as she’s embarrassed (understandably). Nobody her age seems to be taking seriously the “jump and kill yourself” comments as apparently “everyone” says this sort of stuff. I feel ill equipped to know how to manage this and just very sad this is the new normal.

OP posts:

Imdunfer · 20/07/2026 21:18

ittakesalongtimr · 20/07/2026 21:11

Thanks so much everyone.

DD is utterly miserable and not talking to me at all after hearing I called the police. She says she can’t trust me after I broke her request not to call them. Will have to ride it out. She’s refused a “old fashioned” phone and is very upset she has had to temporarily lose her one, through no fault of her own. Rocky week ahead I think. Police left me a message to say will be end of the week earliest before they come round.
Finding it all very hard and feel powerless

You did the right thing, you are protecting future girls and women. He would be very unlikely to stop at words next time.

SummerPeonies2026 · 20/07/2026 21:16

ittakesalongtimr · 20/07/2026 21:11

Thanks so much everyone.

DD is utterly miserable and not talking to me at all after hearing I called the police. She says she can’t trust me after I broke her request not to call them. Will have to ride it out. She’s refused a “old fashioned” phone and is very upset she has had to temporarily lose her one, through no fault of her own. Rocky week ahead I think. Police left me a message to say will be end of the week earliest before they come round.
Finding it all very hard and feel powerless

Op you need to tell her straight, she probably isn’t the only person he has done this to, and the next teen might be more vulnerable than her and could lose their life.

It’s becoming a major problem in this country, so much so that Keir Starmer was addressing this even as he was leaving office.

This is not just about dd op, you are safe guarding other teens/children, and whilst she might be mad now that’s a whole lot better than someone dying.

Original poster

ittakesalongtimr · 20/07/2026 21:11

Thanks so much everyone.

DD is utterly miserable and not talking to me at all after hearing I called the police. She says she can’t trust me after I broke her request not to call them. Will have to ride it out. She’s refused a “old fashioned” phone and is very upset she has had to temporarily lose her one, through no fault of her own. Rocky week ahead I think. Police left me a message to say will be end of the week earliest before they come round.
Finding it all very hard and feel powerless

OP posts:

CrazyMidget · 20/07/2026 20:34

ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 10:33

Update :

Firstly, thank you so much for the incredibly helpful replies. They gave me perspective and insight and I’m truly grateful.
I called the police this morning (no physical station here now, I drove there and realised it was no longer in use😞) so called 101.
Long wait / call short: they are sending an officer out but it likely won’t be until the middle of next week as they are very busy. They told me to keep screenshots (but understood the worst ones she’d opened and were gone) and to call back if she feels unsafe or direct threats to her life are made. I understand they are busy but next week feels awfully far away. I can’t keep her phone until then as she has a holiday job and right now there is no way I want her being without a phone to contact me /DH if needed.
Thank you all so much once again.

Get her a temporary dumbphone? They don't cost much and you can do pay as you go. That will solve the issue of her contacting you, and it's not for long.

IMO, you really do need to be able to screenshot anything further the little weasel sends. It's much better that it's you getting these messages than her. Seriously, for now, a cheap flip phone.

Blueberries0761 · 20/07/2026 20:34

@ittakesalongtimr How is your Dd doing? I hope she's more comfortable with the idea of the police being involved now. I'm sure it's helping her to know that she has you to help her deal with this.

TheDevilWears · 20/07/2026 18:25

SummerPeonies2026 · 19/07/2026 21:35

No.

You speak to the police. It’s a criminal offence. It is gravely serious, and one that needs full investigation to see the extent of the issue.

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I live on an island … it’s a small community. So going to the police as the first port of call probably isn’t quite the same as perhaps in a large city. As I said, addressing it this way worked for me and my DD, the harassment was nipped in the bud. If it had continued I had told the parents that I would be involving the police … I’m sorry to say it but the majority of teenagers are dopes with immature minds and mobile phones. In my case the threat of police involvement was enough …

NotTheHRPolice · 20/07/2026 12:35

BreakfastFeast · 20/07/2026 11:10

Block
Then cannot receive the messages

OP’s third post.

She did block his number but worryingly he created new accounts within minutes to contact her.

ThreadGuardDog · 20/07/2026 11:18

BreakfastFeast · 20/07/2026 11:10

Block
Then cannot receive the messages

And the risk of escalation to actual physical harm ? This is a safeguarding issue and simply blocking and ignoring won’t do it. The methods this kid employed to send these messages is proof positive that he knew exactly the harm he was causing, and an indicator that this isn’t the first time he’s done it. It’s a serious crime and he needs to face the consequences so that this doesn’t escalate to something more dangerous for DD, and so that he doesn’t have the opportunity to do it to someone else. Police action is the only way to achieve that.

BreakfastFeast · 20/07/2026 11:10

Block
Then cannot receive the messages

LilacReader · 20/07/2026 10:14

ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 01:01

I asked for advice about going to speak to his parents about his messages telling DD to kill herself and vile messages about my alleged affair with someone at their school. It was this part that was upsetting her most as she was embarrassed everyone in group chats was talking about it. Felt entirely
relevant to mention as it seems a really odd thing for a teenager to do, alongside the main worry of him telling her to kill herself. Pedantic picking over me writing the post quickly is unhelpful to say the least.

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You always get one or two on here OP - they have nothing important/special to say but want to get involved.

It's easy to say go to the police and it's true that it will show that you care and will always do what's right, but you also run the risk of her holding things back from you in future. I wish I could say what's the best thing to do but I can't. Good luck tho - I hope you get it resolved x

PetulaGordeno · 20/07/2026 09:57

BeigeandGreige · 20/07/2026 09:52

Police, now.

Sorry OP, as someone who was bullied and had awful messages sent to them in my school years it’s the best thing to do.

Sometimes in life you have to do what’s in your daughters best interests and not let her decide as a vulnerable 14 year old what’s best, she’s scared and you need to help her understand the reasons for needing to go to the police. This may or may not be already happening to others by him already.

Don’t go to his parents without proof this may cause further harm, for her and for him.

OP contacted the police yesterday and is waiting for them to follow up.

BeigeandGreige · 20/07/2026 09:52

Police, now.

Sorry OP, as someone who was bullied and had awful messages sent to them in my school years it’s the best thing to do.

Sometimes in life you have to do what’s in your daughters best interests and not let her decide as a vulnerable 14 year old what’s best, she’s scared and you need to help her understand the reasons for needing to go to the police. This may or may not be already happening to others by him already.

Don’t go to his parents without proof this may cause further harm, for her and for him.

ThreadGuardDog · 20/07/2026 09:30

Bluestar1971 · 19/07/2026 18:21

Need to tell his parents what he has said and that they need to talk to their son about not sending any further messages to your daughter. Leave the police for now, but if there is a repeat telling the school and police. Word from them may help

He’s committed a serious crime, and from what OP says it’s likely DD isn’t his only victim, as he’s using snapchat and opening multiple accounts to send these messages, so he clearly knows what he’s doing and thinks he knows how to protect himself. OP doesn’t know the parents, so no telling how they would react, and the school won’t identify and punish individually - it’s not within their remit. It’s 100% a police matter - the only way this boy will face the consequences of his actions, and the best way to safeguard DD. And thankfully, OP has gone ahead and reported it.

Cetim · 20/07/2026 08:18

PetulaGordeno · 20/07/2026 08:02

OP has already reported to the police.
Why does nobody bother to read updates?

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OK calm down

PetulaGordeno · 20/07/2026 08:02

Cetim · 20/07/2026 07:43

I would report this to the police. How else will he learn?. Going to parents could inflame the situation further. Then this would show your daughter she has to stand up for herself and that you will stand up for her. She may not like it at first but she will understand later in life.

OP has already reported to the police.
Why does nobody bother to read updates?

Cetim · 20/07/2026 07:43

I would report this to the police. How else will he learn?. Going to parents could inflame the situation further. Then this would show your daughter she has to stand up for herself and that you will stand up for her. She may not like it at first but she will understand later in life.

likelysuspect · 20/07/2026 07:26

AnnieKenney · 19/07/2026 15:45

I've answered earlier in the thread why it is - in fact - classic victim-blaming.

We can agree to disagree about the Freedom Programme - I am aware that it is used by some domestic abuse services but in my view it is dated, overly simplistic, not trauma informed, victim-blaming and most importantly of all, it lacks an evidence base.

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Well you can have your view, it doesnt mean you're right, its been a successful programme for many service users and young teens over the years, not just within our LA but up and down the country. It may have literally saved lives.

StraightTalkingTina · 20/07/2026 06:45

TheDevilWears · 19/07/2026 21:33

She was told to ‘kill herself’ - that’s sadly a pretty common teenage theme 🙁 she was also subjected to racist abuse, she was threatened - as was I and her sister, she was videoed at a swimming pool and the video shared online … teenagers can be really horrible. I just felt that it was best to speak to the parents first and give them an opportunity to speak ti their child …

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Then frankly, you should probably go on a safeguarding course.

You failed to properly protect both your daughters, or yourself, or the next victim.

EvieBB · 19/07/2026 23:44

ThreadGuardDog · 19/07/2026 22:24

OP doesn’t know the parents and doesn’t have a clue how they will react. They may try to destroy evidence if they think the police will be involved. It’s none of OP’s business why they split up and as I said before, it has absolutely no bearing on the boys’ behaviour whatever the reason may be.

The school won’t do anything other than refresh the message to the whole of the school population that this kind of behaviour is abuse. The boy won’t be identified and won’t face any meaningful consequences as a result - nor will he face proper consequences from his parents as it’s more than likely they will want to keep the police out of this, and the police absolutely should be involved right from the start because these are not ‘comments’. It’s abuse and it’s a criminal offence. There is no justification on this earth for sending these messages.

There is no reason for OP to care about the consequences to this boy - her daughter is the one who needs safeguarding from him, and 15 is old enough for him to face the consequences of criminal acts he committed as a conscious choice.

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Absolutely well said 👏

ThreadGuardDog · 19/07/2026 22:43

RoseField1 · 19/07/2026 15:56

Not for something like this 🙄🙄🙄
And it's not an emergency. Do you think police should be prioritising this above actual emergencies?

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Yes. I do. Having had experience as an outreach worker of children as young as 12 actually acting on these vile messages. He’s broken the law - he’s encouraging suicide and he’s in breach of the laws regarding malicious communication. He knows to use Snapchat as he knows the messages disappear so he thinks he’s safe. That indicates this isn’t the first time he’s sent abusive messages. He needs to be stopped, and the police will give it the priority it deserves.

ThreadGuardDog · 19/07/2026 22:24

PrettyPickle · 19/07/2026 11:15

I'm not ruling out telling the police, I'm saying tell the parents and school first and I am not victim blaming, I am simply pointing our that her daughter has declined to tell her mum why they split up and there maybe more than meets the eye. I quite clearly said it did not excuse his comments. Do not make out I said things that I did not.

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OP doesn’t know the parents and doesn’t have a clue how they will react. They may try to destroy evidence if they think the police will be involved. It’s none of OP’s business why they split up and as I said before, it has absolutely no bearing on the boys’ behaviour whatever the reason may be.

The school won’t do anything other than refresh the message to the whole of the school population that this kind of behaviour is abuse. The boy won’t be identified and won’t face any meaningful consequences as a result - nor will he face proper consequences from his parents as it’s more than likely they will want to keep the police out of this, and the police absolutely should be involved right from the start because these are not ‘comments’. It’s abuse and it’s a criminal offence. There is no justification on this earth for sending these messages.

There is no reason for OP to care about the consequences to this boy - her daughter is the one who needs safeguarding from him, and 15 is old enough for him to face the consequences of criminal acts he committed as a conscious choice.

SummerPeonies2026 · 19/07/2026 21:35

TheDevilWears · 19/07/2026 21:33

She was told to ‘kill herself’ - that’s sadly a pretty common teenage theme 🙁 she was also subjected to racist abuse, she was threatened - as was I and her sister, she was videoed at a swimming pool and the video shared online … teenagers can be really horrible. I just felt that it was best to speak to the parents first and give them an opportunity to speak ti their child …

Show quote history

No.

You speak to the police. It’s a criminal offence. It is gravely serious, and one that needs full investigation to see the extent of the issue.