Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

412 replies

ittakesalongtimr · 18/07/2026 23:47

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 19/07/2026 08:13

Emmasblackboard · 19/07/2026 08:05

Obviously I speak from experience when I say you can tell them how something has impacted your child but they will immediately say, do not say who it is. Unless the incident happened in school, of course. But anyway, best to log with 101 and let the police deal with it, school included.

Show quote history

Well the school has massively failed in its safeguarding responsibilities then. I cant think of a single school I know where they would actively tell you to not name the perpetrator...mind boggling

Rosesandthorns66 · 19/07/2026 08:13

gillefc82 · 19/07/2026 00:26

I think you’ve misread the OP. The ex boyfriend has told OP’s daughter that she should jump off a bridge and kill herself, not that he’s considering doing that.

HS Governor here @ittakesalongtimr - this definitely needs to be reported to the DSL at school and I personally would involve the police. From your posts, it doesn’t seem like you know the family too well, so you’ve no idea how you going round to the house would be received- regardless of how calm and non confrontational you are about it. Don’t risk this blowing up further - let the police handle it.

Show quote history

Yes I agree with this.
The problem with ex boyfriends parents is their reaction towards you. They could turn around and call the police against you for harassment, for going to their house. Even though that wouldn't be true, you don't know what they are like.

likelysuspect · 19/07/2026 08:10

ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 00:13

thank you all.
DD is absolutely adamant I’m not to call the police and says she won’t talk to them / will delete everything, she became hysterical at prospect of it, as it was my initial thought. She’s so vulnerable tonight I don’t want to against her wishes (begging) about the police. I guess it’s why I thought me going round (not
in an aggressive manner, I’m the least confrontational person in the world) but to say I think you need to know what your son has sent DD and it includes serious rumours about me and our marriage which could be devastating to some families and I think you should know. And then likely walk away as I’m not sure a helpful conversation will ensue.

No she may not speak to police, thats her right, but you have seen the messages so thats verbatim from you. Report it to 101 online, write what you have written here.

If he is doing it to her, he may well be doing it to others in different formats.

SunnyRedSnail · 19/07/2026 08:10

@ittakesalongtimr your poor DD.

Absolutely go to the police.

It's great you are such a supportive mum, and I can see why your DD might not want you going to the police, but what if he does it again to someone more vulnerable with less parent support? What if they act on these messages?

At 15 he knows the consequences of sending such messages. They are taught this in school. A visit from the police should hopefully prevent him doing it again, or if he does do it again then the consequences will be more severe.

Emmasblackboard · 19/07/2026 08:05

ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 19/07/2026 07:45

What makes you think that??? Of course you can name him when you contact the school otherwise what would be the point in contacting them? Do you think schools getting messages saying "my kid is being bullied/abused but i cant say who by"??

OP, if you do decide to contact school, their Safeguarding Lead will be picking messages up in the holidays. Maybe not immediately, but they have a duty to check.... there should be something on their website to explain the protocol for contacting them

Show quote history

Obviously I speak from experience when I say you can tell them how something has impacted your child but they will immediately say, do not say who it is. Unless the incident happened in school, of course. But anyway, best to log with 101 and let the police deal with it, school included.

haveyouopenedyourbowelstoday · 19/07/2026 07:56

I’m so sorry this has happened. Please please ring the Police this morning. I do not want to frighten you but 2 young girls have been murdered in my very local area in the past year, one definitely by her ex boyfriend.
It is not about how she is feeling at the moment, as her mum it’s about keeping her safe.

Laurmolonlabe · 19/07/2026 07:53

You have no idea what the parents are like, or what his home situation is- report it, any urging to suicide needds reporting.

raspberryrisotto · 19/07/2026 07:46

LancashireButterPie · 19/07/2026 07:40

It's not about "keeping her DDs trust", it's about keeping her safe from an online abuser.
Sometimes you have to step up and be the adult/parent.

Show quote history

Yes, I understand that. I think that our priorities are all the same as parents.

But this is what I would do initially. I feel that my daughter would be more likely to continue to confide in me if we handled the situation together initially.

We don’t all have to be the same in our initial reactions, but we can be working towards the same outcome.

ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 19/07/2026 07:45

Emmasblackboard · 19/07/2026 01:11

Yes, make 101 your focus and see what happens from there. By the time school starts again hopefully things will have moved on and it’ll be out of your hands (in terms of being handled by police). You would only be able to say “someone” has done this if you reported to school, not name them. What a horrible situation, your poor daughter.

Show quote history

What makes you think that??? Of course you can name him when you contact the school otherwise what would be the point in contacting them? Do you think schools getting messages saying "my kid is being bullied/abused but i cant say who by"??

OP, if you do decide to contact school, their Safeguarding Lead will be picking messages up in the holidays. Maybe not immediately, but they have a duty to check.... there should be something on their website to explain the protocol for contacting them

BCBird · 19/07/2026 07:42

I would contact the police. Let them.contact the parents.

LilOleMe2 · 19/07/2026 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I am not condoning it-i have said it is a horrible expression, but that's what it is - an expression now broadly with the same strength as your very eloquent use of "fuck off"

LancashireButterPie · 19/07/2026 07:40

raspberryrisotto · 19/07/2026 07:37

I would absolutely go to see the parents first, and talk to them. Tell them if it continues you will involve the police. And log it with the school via email.

hopefully the parents will be responsive and this way you can keep your daughters trust, but if she gets one more message like that, I would stress to her that you must and will report this to the police.

also, ignore PP saying you were making this about you… some people like to derail threads and provoke for reactions.

It's not about "keeping her DDs trust", it's about keeping her safe from an online abuser.
Sometimes you have to step up and be the adult/parent.

raspberryrisotto · 19/07/2026 07:37

I would absolutely go to see the parents first, and talk to them. Tell them if it continues you will involve the police. And log it with the school via email.

hopefully the parents will be responsive and this way you can keep your daughters trust, but if she gets one more message like that, I would stress to her that you must and will report this to the police.

also, ignore PP saying you were making this about you… some people like to derail threads and provoke for reactions.

allthiscarryon · 19/07/2026 07:37

She’s a child, so she gets no say in what you do next. Your poor DD. What a horrible experience.

hattie43 · 19/07/2026 07:37

Report to the police . These messages are worrying and tbh you don’t know if his parents would take them seriously

Wnahsi · 19/07/2026 07:36

To add I wouldn't bother with the school they'll do nothing.

I was bullied by a boy at school terrible, he threatened me etc, until my DM went the police next minute he was excluded....don't bother with the school.

allthiscarryon · 19/07/2026 07:36

Police and school - school will still have someone checking messages for safeguarding reasons usually.
what a little shitbird

AlphaApple · 19/07/2026 07:36

I would call 101 and email the school.

Your DD doesn’t get a say.

It might be worth taking her phone off her for 24 hours just until she calms down.

Wnahsi · 19/07/2026 07:35

Report it to the police 100%.

If this where my sons ( I have two young ones) and the other parents went to the police I would be happy they had my son would clearly deserve it, if they came to my door I would absolutely be disgusted and angry at my sons. However not everyone is the same , I would 100% go the police . This makes me so angry , your poor DD. Sending her and you love.

Furrydogmum · 19/07/2026 07:34

ittakesalongtimr · 19/07/2026 01:06

School has now broken up for holidays and I don’t think anyone will be checking emails over the summer (perhaps I’m wrong though). I do think I need to tell them before the start of next year but will start with the police.

Show quote history

Our safeguarding team work through the holidays.. I would contact them on the off-chance. I hope the toxic little shit gets a good scaring from the police.

LancashireButterPie · 19/07/2026 07:34

Our DS got beaten up on his way home from school (needed stitches) just for being gay.
We contacted the other lads parents (one is a vicar!!) and they honestly just didn't care.
Of course DS begged us not to contact the police, but we overruled him and Thank goodness we did because they were wonderfully supportive and helpful.

Even DS now agrees it was the right thing to do.
At 14 your DD won't have judgement to know what is in her best interest right now. You have to advocate for her.

landlordhell · 19/07/2026 07:28

Tell the school immediately. They will contact authorities.There will be a safeguarding lead to cover this over the holidays.

Nutmuncher · 19/07/2026 07:28

Police and email the school, someone will be there picking up emails at some point over the holidays.

This could very easily have been a different horrifying thread if she had acted on his words, that’s exactly what has happened to other lovesick emotionally unstable teens over the years. He sounds messed up and quite dangerous, boys don’t grow out of that behaviour they grown into it and he will be someone’s absolute nightmare in a few years if people don’t take his words and actions seriously now.

Justbreathagain · 19/07/2026 07:26

GreenFootstool · 19/07/2026 00:17

Take the phone off her overnight. Don't allow her to delete these messages without copying them. Photograph them with your phone if nothing else.

You are the adult here with a child threatening suicide - she doesn't get to choose the next steps.

You urgently need to speak to his parents for his own safety. If you can't contact them you're left with the police to carry out a welfare check as the priority issue.

Whether his messages amount to harassment or malicious communications is up for debate but right now you have a suicidal (allegedly) teenage boy who has no adult who appears to be aware of his issues.

Agree with this..you have the life experience, you are the parent. You make the decisions and know what's best. You need to remove her phone and block his number.

Greenspaceskeepmecalm · 19/07/2026 07:23

I would want to know if I was the parent of the boy but I’d email
the safeguarding lead at school
and not contact the parents directly (unless you know them very well).