AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

Don’t confront the parents yourself. Save every message, contact the school - website should have the safeguarding leads name and email and also her head of year and head. Despite the holidays the safeguarding leads and head will definitely be checking emails. If she were my daughter I would 100% making a police report. Speak to your daughter and explain that the ‘kill yourself’ messages take this is well beyond ordinary teenage drama and serious and he needs to know this - hearing it from a police officer rather than you or his own parents os likely to hit home better.

You're in a difficult position op.
Informing the police is of course what you should do but I think the impact of doing this (when your daughter is hysterical about you not doing so) is being minimised here. It could be pretty damaging to your relationship and your dd might choose not to tell you things in the future. You don't want that.
I'd keep talking to her for now. Suggest that she openly screen shots any snap chat messages from him. Snap chat will alert the sender that the messages have been screenshot. He'll wonder why she's doing that ( and will probably know it's so she has the evidence) and it may just prompt him to stop sending messages. Meanwhile, you can continue to talk to her about why informing the police is necessary.
I wouldn't approach the parents.

The DSL will be someone in leadership and definitely SHOULD be picking up emails.

But police first.

School should have given out a safeguarding contact number for the school holidays ours does. I would contact them. Block him on everything.

Leave any contact with the parents to the Police

Exactly this. She can beg all she likes and refuse to speak to the Police but she can't stop the Police talking to her and telling her you have the responsibility.keep her safe and that's what you are doing by reporting to them.
Take her phone so she can't delete.
Do not contact him or his parents.

Former teacher. I would advise the police. It’s very rare that little Jordan’s parents will say, oh, he’s awful, we are going to decide on how to deal with this so he knows he’s done wrong. And give sincere apologies to your daughter.
They usually double down or go on the attack. It’s been very rare in my experience for parents to take immediate responsibility.

So she must have a full fat Snapchat account and not a teen one then, as he wouldn’t be able to contact her from new accounts if she did. There’s a reason the teen accounts exist, and they also have parental controls. I know they can’t change their DOB in a teen account (my 15 year old has one) but not sure if they can to create one. Worth exploring.

Yes, I can tell you though from not inconsiderable experience. This has the lowest success rate of anything.!!

This is the kind of thing that someone at school would do if your child still there? Has term ended?

Speak to your child's HOY and ask them to give the other parent the nod and that means you stay out of it

Schools have a safeguarding email address which is monitored throughout weekends and holidays. At my daughter’s school it’s safeguarding@…

Make the police report and email school. Safeguarding is everyone’s duty as I’m sure you know.

Sorry OP I know she's the victim here but you need to be having stern talks with your dd. She's a child and as such can't always make the adult decisions around social media use. This isn't just about her it's about the many other women who he's going to spend a lifetime abusing if it isn't nipped in the bud. I don't think you or she really have a choice. You need to take her phone, screenshot the messages and report them to the police. There isn't really an alternative when such a line has been crossed.

No offence but this is why I 100% support the proposed social media ban. It won't stop kids using social media but it will hold them and their parents more accountable and give authorities more power to intervene when shit like this happens and nobody safeguards the children in the middle of it

I would speak to school in the first instance. They will know the right course if action. I wouldn’t get involved with the parents - they might be awful and it might flare things up. Put it in the hands of professionals. School can involve the police if that it appropriate.

A lot of people telling you not to tell the parents and get the school and police involved but I’m with you OP - I would absolutely tell the parents. They need to know what their son is like, I would want to. Your daughter is adamant she doesn’t want police involved and I think it would make things worse if she is that against it, school will do nothing (as you said they’ve broken up). Maybe down the line inform them but yes I would absolutely approach it (gently) with the parents

I agree you should speak to the police, I’d also be telling the school. Of course his behaviour is completely unacceptable and more.

i think it’s a bit mad that she’s only 14 and him 15 and you’ve never met the parents.. if she has a boyfriend again I think you should insist on at least speaking to his parents on the phone and introducing yourself. It would be a deal breaker for me and I’d be absolutely insistent on it. I’d preferably meet them in person and have a friendly chat; also to discuss things like whether you’re ok with the child being out past XX or not in bedrooms or staying overnight etc. It’s a risky age. It’s better for both children that the parents are watching and communicating.

It is your parental duty to go to the police no matter what your daughter says. I know she is frightened but she is not an adult.
I would not go near the parents. Chances are they will double down or start attacking you. Don’t give them a chance.
This is serious harassment. Don’t let this boy get away with it.

I’ve read the thread and some of the minimisation is shocking.
OP you must report to the Police.
Do not go to the family - you have no idea what you’d be walking into and they will 100% have their son’s back. Pointless and will almost certainly not make you feel any better about the situation, indeed you could make it much worse.
It doesn’t matter that your daughter said no to Police - it’s simply not her choice because you are the adult/parent.

Good luck.. go police

Just so you know the DSL is always contactable over the holidays

Oh and contacting the parents first tips off this little shit that the police may be speaking to him and reviewing his tech, giving him/them time to delete what they choose and concoct excuses.

None of this has been handled sensibly so far. Yes messages on Snapchat disappear but if you hold them, you can save them and then screenshot. My DD had to do this when a former friend was bullying and threatening her. Most teens use Snapchat but this is how you get around that. If you have no proof of any awful messages as it stands, the police can’t really do much. They might have a word with him but they’d need your DD to make a statement first and it sounds like she won’t cooperate.

The number needs blocking on all apps obviously and she might benefit from time away from the phone.

Report to police and school pronto. Do not go to the parents, they will try to protect and defend their son, brush it under the carpet or even reverse blame.

No you do not speak to a child's parents first where there is suspicion that a crime has been committed.

Firstly the police may have to gather evidence and if they dont want their kid to get in trouble, they might sabotage this with prior warning

Secondly, the parents may have to act as appropriate adult if it got as far as a police interview and the parents already knowing about a situation may again sabotage tht

Thirdly and rarely, there are parents in this world who think that sort of messaging is 'just desserts' for someone that has apparently upset their little darling. You have no idea whether they are laughing along at some of the messages or encouraging it.

Lastly, there is a high risk of him being an abused child himself and this is how this is being shown in his behaviour.

You do not talk to the parents first. Its a criminal matter.

100% go to police first. Ideally to a station if you still have one near you. They will talk to the parents. You can then also contact the school if they don’t.

No way would I approach the parents first or instead of the police. Their ‘need to know’ is not the top priority and could escalate everything. Let the police tell them.

Agree you need to hang onto DD’s phone for a while.

Please don’t let your upset DD dissuade you from doing the right thing.

Yes but the police will tell his family and they’re more likely to pay attention to them. I think there’s a strong chance they’ll minimise it, defend him if you go directly to them which is why he’s the way he is because he hasn’t experienced consequences. If nothing else the police talking to him may stop him doing it again.

I had an abusive boyfriend and my parents not sticking up for me made me think it was normal and didn’t help in future relationships. I might have been mortified if my parents had e.g. told the school (it wasn’t as bad as your daughter’s messages so the police wouldn’t have been appropriate) but it would’ve sent me a really important message that I was important enough to be backed and to have someone stand up for me and that I shouldn’t have to put up with abusive men.