To be annoyed partner is prioritising his brother over us on holiday

I think, unfortunately, if you want your partner's attention to be fully on you, your partner's brother shouldn't have come. It's happened, so you might as well make the best of it. Your partner's brother sounds like he's been dealt a rough hand so I think it's a lovely thing he's come away with you, but I do recognise that's an additional burden on you just as much as your partner.

The kid is in a care home cos he’s been abandoned by his parents, there was obviously no one else in the family to look after him, he was placed in foster care and that didn’t work out either. Sounds like the boy has been repeatedly let down and abandoned his whole life.
Now he’s on holiday with his brother, the only adult in his world that seems to care about him and he is craving some attention. It must be annoying but you can walk beside your partner any other day of the year, don’t begrudge the kid a week of feeling like some one cares about him.
i really find it hard to understand where you’re coming from here! Poor boy, honestly think you need to have a word with yourself

Whether you mean to do it or not, your BIL will be picking up on your hostility and resentment of him and that will make him cling to his brother- his only real family (not including your twins) even more. Your husband is all this kid has on top of all of the other terrible things that have happened to him over the years. That’s not to say I don’t understand your frustration, but that’s a lot of trauma.

Exactly. And how is Op's husband supposed to do any better-split himself in two?
When I read the title, I thought this was going to be a man spending all his holiday drinking with his grown up brother while his wife did all the childcare/organisation. That's a man who needs to do better, not this one!

Op, how about making the 14 year old important by getting him to help you all plan things/do things? Make him feel seen, respected and needed.

What for an afternoon?

It could be the safety plan for all OP knows, when SW gives permission for a child to go away on holiday with family, there will be a working together agreement/safety plan to mitigate any risks. Its likely that brother signed up to take particular actions for when the boy runs off.

But what if they can’t afford two holidays? Both financially and in the Dh leave from work?

Have you tried to make him feel important OP, give him responsibilities in supporting you/supoporting his brothers and the twins? Involving him so he is part of things?

Most posters have set out the issues and why he is struggling and why your partner really does have to prioritise him at this time but also needs to be able to follow that through in 'real life'.

I dont know why you would be surprised that the SW agreed for him to come on holiday with you and your partner, you're not a risk to him are you?

Your DP is between a rock and a hard place! He can’t ignore his brother or he will run off and get into god knows what trouble and he’s upsetting you by having to prioritise his brother. I think going forward it may be better if he holidays alone with his brother.

Sounds like his brother desperately needs someone to prioritise him right now.

Realistically, a 14 year old who's been recently absconding from placement is enough of a flight risk that they have to be followed by one of the adults should they storm off. Some of the things OP describes could potentially have been handled differently by DP, but not that. Again the time to have had a problem with this was before the holiday rather than when the potentially dangerous situation occurs.

But this is why I'd like to know if OP felt able to discuss her hesitancy beforehand, and if so what was the response.

Feeling of abandonment obviously caused by the wider situation, not the specific trigger point. And you should know very well that teenagers are not exactly the most rational beings.

The 14-year-old ran off. Are you saying that if your teenage child ran off on holiday that you wouldn't be worried sick about where they could end up? And that you wouldn't prioritise going to find them? The nephew had someone to comfort him, and will not remember anything about the situation in a few days.

Absolutely bizarre. I can’t imagine any mother being attracted to the father of her children leaving her to solo parent two year old twins on what’s meant to be a family holiday.

This is a lovely, practical response. Being a teen is such a difficult time even without difficult family dynamics. It's great that your DH is stepping up, it'll be so hard for him being pulled in different directions too.

Hang in there OP, hopefully things will settle down 🌺

I feel for all of you. It’s not an ideal situation from anyone’s point of view.

but it’s the best you can expect in the circumstances.

Poor BIL deserves to be the centre of attention for once in his life. Your DH should be admired for wanting to be a strong and supportive big bro (I’m not doubting that you’re proud of him). You should be able to expect a break from being the main carer for the toddlers while you’re on holiday. And the tinies obviously want daddy.

maybe try to reframe this in your mind that this holiday is primarily for BIL. The toddlers have Daddy 51 other weeks of the year. As do you. But could you have a gentle convo with DH about how you want to strengthen your bond with BIL to show him that you care for him too? Maybe get him to help with dinner tonight while DH does bathtime? Or ask him what he’d like to do tomorrow or to watch on tv? Prioritise him.

and then maybe plan a family day trip when you return, just the 4 of you.

What is this disingenuous and inaccurate slant on the situation? He went off to find a teenager who'd RUN OFF in an emotional state. Do you seriously think he should have just let a vulnerable 14-year-old fend for himself, not knowing where he'd gone to, just because a 2-year-old fell over? It's not as if he deliberately skived his responsibilities for some leisure time.

Feeling of abandonment caused by a man saying hang on a minute, I’ll sort the baby out and join you? You keep saying formative moments. He’s 14, he’ll get over being asked to wait a minute so his baby nephew can be comforted.

OP did you tell DP you were hesitant about DBIL coming on the holiday? I do think this is something that both partners have to be very much on board with, though of course when it's first time you don't know what you're letting yourself in for.

He is prioritising his brother, and he should be.

No. He chose to be a dad, there’s no excuse at all for ditching his children, especially when one has fallen over and is crying, to play in a bloody arcade with a 14 year old.

The children are 2. They won't remember in a week, let alone a decade. Daddy going off to help his brother will not be a formative event in their lives, not even remotely.

Whereas this kind of situation - feeling of abandonment while feeling like an outsider on a family holiday at the age of 14 - is very much something that may shape the brother's adulthood.

I would find this so attractive. What a lovely man.

Also, while your partner's brother's behaviour will be exacerbated by his background, fast forward 12 years and you too will be running after irrationally stroppy (but also emotionally vulnerable) teenagers trying to make them realise that they are loved. It's what teenagers feel and what they do.

Your children don’t know why daddy’s apparently gone off helping them or doing things with them, it’s not okay for him to shrug them off and prioritise his brother. His brother’s circumstances sound awful but they’re not yours or your babies faults and he needs to manage things an awful lot better.

He is prioritising his brother, and he should be. He's aware that he is the only unconditionally loving figure that his brother has, and that this is the most crucial stage of his brother's childhood in determining whether he can overcome his early troubles. The twins, meanwhile have you. Which I know doesn't seem fair - but your partner's brother doesn't have anyone else. (Unless you are willing to step up and embrace him as part of your family, not an unwanted intrusion?)

To put it bluntly, it is more important in the greater scheme of things that your partner's brother, in that moment, did not feel emotionally abandoned yet again, than your partner's child had a cuddle.

That's a good idea. If DP wants to go away with his brother again after this, which maybe he won't, it'll be less work to be at home solo parenting.

Perhaps you could try to look at things in a different way - you are lucky to have such an amazing partner willing to step up and help look after his brother.

Children in foster care in those sorts of circumstances tend to have a whole host of different issues. Are there any diagnoses? FASD, damage from fetal drug exposure, ADHD etc are very common for foster children and can lead to attention issues. Trauma can mimic a lot of autism symptoms.

Some sort of family counselling might be helpful or courses on dealing with children with whatever diagnosis/iss is relevant.