To be annoyed partner is prioritising his brother over us on holiday

Being taken in by his brother and sister in law and then returned to care because they couldn't cope would be worse than being his stable adults unwaveringly and providing regular, reliable contact whilst he lives in the residential setting.

Big empty sentimental gestures aren't what this boy needs - he needs emotional security. The OP is very clearly not in a place to take him in permanently and that's okay - it's better to know that and be honest than be another parent figure who takes him in and can't cope and has to send him back to care.

Taking this 14 year old in would be more difficult than most people can imagine and really he should be the only or youngest child in any family that takes him in. A placement with kin carers who have their own very small children is very, very likely to fail and cause further damage to this very vulnerable boy.

Even a teenage foster child who has previously had stable attachment and lost their parent through something that's nobody's fault will be very challenging for a solid year (or sometimes initially very compliant and "grateful" and then very challenging) - it's normal. This boy has never had security so will be far more challenging to parent. He doesn't just need a roof, meals and a warm bed, he will push and push and challenge and challenge - he won't feel safe until he's really tested the boundaries of his brother's unconditional acceptance.

It's not for the faint hearted or anyone not absolutely, 100% commited and realistic about what's coming. It will also affect the other children in the household.

I have all the sympathy for this boy, but the OP naively taking him in despite reservations and not really knowing what they're doing would not be in his best interests as it would destroy the relationship between the brothers if the placement failed.

I understand where you’re coming from but my heart goes out to this young boy. My DD is 12 and I can’t imagine how she’d be coping if both my DH and I had effectively abandoned her. 14 is so hard even if the family context is stable. It sounds like he just wants to be someone’s priority, needs to be able to rely on someone as being present for him and being a reliable constant. There’s mention of parents, a DP, foster care and residential. That’s so much change for anyone to go through, never mind someone so young. No sense of stability, of feeling important or loved. Those are terrible burdens to carry. Your DP is being pulled in two directions and it sounds like his brother needs him. You’re not unreasonable to feel the way you do as of course you’d prefer his attention to be with you and the twins, but all things considered he’s doing what he feels is right and I have to say I agree with him.

This is a really good idea….x

Sounds normal. We've a teenage kinship care situation in my own extended family and honestly, SS were pretty choosy over the whole thing.

The poor brother, he has literally no one in his life who loves him. Yes, his behaviour is not ok, but he's a very damaged kid.
Your husband is in a very difficult position. He has to look after his brother however can. Your twins are lucky to have a loving mum and dad.
It's only for a week, cut the guy some slack.

This is true. A friend of mine used to foster and social services never placed children with her who were older than her own kids, it’s a recipe for disaster apparently. Pretty sure they try to place children with relatives instead of in foster care or homes but that isn’t always possible for a multitude of reasons.

It’s a tough one I really feel sorry for this boy and the only person who loves him back is his brother . He isn’t doing anything wrong attending to his brother but having 2 toddlers is also hard work and they also need him

And that could easily be a reason why they wouldn't have got through the assessment. It's quite common, despite the horror of foster care for teens, for SS not to want to want them placed in a home with younger children. Your stance is very premature when you've no idea what any assessment might've said.

And? Foster care for teens is horrific. This boy has a family and should be with them.

Why can't he live with you.

Just to add, I have a 14 year old son of my own who has had nothing but love and connection his whole life, and he’s still making some seriously dodgy choices. We are showing him and telling him all the time how much we care about him and love him and want him to do well.

who is doing this for your BIL?

Probably because they'd have had/been about to have baby twins at the time.

This is a child from a desperately insecure background. He's been abandoned by everyone in his life except his brother. He's jealous of his brother's attention because he is terrified his brother is going to leave him too. It was totally predictable that he'd be jealous of your twins and their loving parents. He's not a normal teen - he's an incredibly vulnerable teen who needs abnormal amounts of reassurance and attention because his life is abnormal.

I'm sorry for you because you didn't sign up for this and you didn't deserve for this to happen. It's valid that you feel frustrated that your own children are losing their father's attention. But I think your husband is doing the right thing in prioritising his vulnerable teenage brother right now. It's also not fair for this poor kid that his entire family has abandoned him.

You make it sound so easy. It’s not. This isn’t just a teenager having tantrums, this is intense insecurity by the sounds of it and that’s going to take more to “fix” than saying “bro, you need to learn your place/some manners”.

Your husband is trying to care for a teen. I've got one of those who's had a very easy home life and is an intelligent boy and it's not always easy. The teen your husband is trying to parent has already been abandoned to care. There is a very real possibility that this teen actually would run off and dispear into all sorts of danger if your DP didn't pay him attention. Hopefully, in time, your brother in law will feel safe enough and stable enough to enjoy playing with and even helping with his baby cousins, but right now he needs to learn to trust his brother to take care of him and be the adult he needs.

Poor kid.

If he’s had a traumatic start in life, his emotional maturity will be way below his age. Just imagine a preschooler or one of your toddlers asking for attention constantly. He is looking for connection.

I get why you’re annoyed at being left holding the babies, but your partner is the only person his brother has got. You should be happy your partner is so caring towards him.

No, wrong. The time for that is in longer term work, its a holiday, specificallly designed to give him direct, quality sustained, intense time with his brother, the only family he has.

Jesus. That kind of experience growing up really puts things into perspective. How is your brother doing?

This must be really hard.
On the plus side at least your partner seems like a really decent person

Your husband sounds a good kind man and this is a young boy who clearly has had a terrible terrible child hood. Yes he’s clingy, he’s in residential care and runs away, do you know how awful residential is? My brother went in for a while. Someone shit in his bed as a welcome the first night. It is horrific.

sp try to have some empathy

Two year old twins are going to be HARD WORK on holiday so I totally sympathise with you flying solo with them. You will need a holiday to recover! (not joking)
But this vulnerable teenager needs some reassurance and to be centred for once. In your position I would be inclined to parent the toddlers while partner looks after the other child in the equation. Hopefully you’re only away for a week.

I've only read the first few posts so don't know at this point how the rest of the thread is going.

You seem to be getting a hammering for wanting your DH to be present for younand your DCs.

I agree the teen brother is troubled and looking for attention, but his behaviour is way out of line. He needs to be taught some manners, and yourvDH should be trying to model good behaviour. Instead, he seems to be trying to head off teen tantrums. Not good.

Your DH should be pushing back and trying to teach him, "not now, bro, the little one needs seeing to". It doesn't have to be harsh, but he needs to learn to share his older brother's time.

Your DH needs to prioritise his DB right now.
If he runs away he could get himself into danger and I assume DH could even get into trouble over it.

I really feel for you with 2 toddlers but your DH is doing his best.

Why not openly suggest that DH and DB go out in the evening once the toddlers are asleep or something - not only will it show DB that you are on his side but also ensure DH goes once the toddlers are asleep.

You want to really try and get a bit of a bond with DB this holiday, as that will make life so much easier.

Once you get home, then there needs to be a chat about how to manage going forward.

How old are you both?

This holiday sounds like a very bad idea. It’s no holiday for any of you apart from maybe the brother.

Dh needs to spend sibling time with his brother on a more general thing. A evening out weekly, come round for dinner on a weekend.

A big family holiday is clearly really still too far away from what’s really doable.

Why did you and your partner not take BIL rather than him go to foster care?