To be annoyed partner is prioritising his brother over us on holiday

This is desperately sad. I have a 14 year old and they’re still very young and learning about the world. This boy has no one stable in his life except for his brother. He needs some normality and stability and so what if your holiday hasn’t worked out how you imagined, this boys whole life hasn’t worked out. You need to be more understanding. Personally I’d be wanting him to live with you. Long term it could make a world of difference to how his whole life turns out.

You are viewing this through the eyes of a well adjusted adult. Not a child who has been failed and let down repeatedly.

@CosmicVibe
He prioritising his brother over you
And I think you need to have a word
Saying you know his brothers had it hard but you've children together who are much younger and they need to come first
I myself, would even say the boy needs to bring some manners to the table, he knows exactly what he's doing might even be trying to get it so its just big brother and him
And
I'd watch the brother around the young ones and yourself he seems to act rather than think/realise
And tell your partner this too
Whilst in the future, no holidays ever together with the brother in tow

Agreed.

The boy has had a shit life by the sounds of it.

Cut him some slack.

Can you spend some time with him to give your partner some time with the toddlers ?

Sounds to me like the boy is trying to keep his older brother close so he doesn't leave him too.

Xx.

I'd be gutted if my holiday went this way, absolutely. But I wouldn't expect more from a traumatised 14 year old - this young man is behaving exactly how anyone should expect him to.

In future if it's financially doable I'd suggest separating holidays so the brothers can have dedicated time and OP and DP can have an actual holiday.

this, posters have been awful to op.

But he’s a vulnerable 14 year old with what sounds like a lifetime of abandonment and insecure attachment. He’s every bit as vulnerable as the 2 year olds, possibly even more so

I cant imagine how traumatised this boy is. He has literally no family except your husband. Being in care is a major adverse life factor and hugely traumatising.

You need to see beyond the day to day issue here. Your husband was not wise to try and combine this but im sure his intentions were good.

Is he considering taking a more parental role? I think he needs to ve very careful how he cares for his brother who needs clear and calm relationship not stress and sharing attention with 2 year olds.

14 yr old has been abandoned by his family so he will hold on very tightly to his brother and will definitely feel troubled let down and be demanding.
I personally think its up to your partner to talk to him and say " look we love you we want will always be here for you but we are a family and familys dont demand I think it needs professional help or he will just go off the rails he sounds angry at the world around him and quite rightly so .

Have you spoken to your partner about what’s going on and how the rest of the holiday will look? You’re getting an extremely hard time from a lot of posters. You matter too. Your children matter too. It’s supposed to be a family holiday for the 4 of you which his brother is joining. You’re entirely reasonable to feel disappointed and put out that it’s now a boys trip and a you and your twins trip which you might not have agreed to in the first place. It’s so easy for the self righteous mob to scream from the sidelines. Most people in your shoes right now would be gutted at how it’s going.

I think separate holidays would be the answer. Your dp goes with his brother once in a while and you have a family holiday the four of you. His brother clearly needs time with dp and that is fair enough all things considered.

Yes you are being unreasonable, he's a troubled 14 year old in care.

Most people dont want to take other peoples children in, there doesnt have to be any extreme reason. He may well have challenging behaviour, it wouldnt be unusual. But OP hasnt said this. So dont make things up

It sounds like this child has had a difficult and traumatic history. He is likely competing for his brothers attention because of this and likely attachment difficulties.

children like your BIL seek reassurance and proximity because they fear being left or rejected and are often hyper-vigilant to perceived rejection or someone pulling away.

He may consciously or unconsciously feel resentful that your children have two loving parents and a stable home and he does not.

He’s probably not meaning to be difficult but his behaviour is communicating his struggles and he needs love, compassion and acceptance.

I understand it’s difficult for you @CosmicVibebut it’s a really positive thing that your partner wants to be a consistent person in his life as he really needs this.

I was giving an example as to why the OP might legit not want to take in the boy.

Where does OP say he is violent and aggressive?

I really dont know why people make things up on here. Whats the point of this?

Remember also that the brother will be emotionally stunted. He hasn’t had the nurturing of a home. He may well be stuck with his two year old brain screaming that he’s been abandoned which is the most terrifying thing for a child. Which may explain his inability to wait five seconds.
If you look at him as an emotionally disabled, hormonally challenged teen you would probably find it easier to let your husband deal with him and you do the twins. Sounds hard.

Why on earth would you answer question to theop? There is no indication he is violent and agrressive

Because maybe the boy is violent and aggressive? And maybe the OP wants a fighting chance at a normal family life. To which she is entitled. Written by an adoptive parent twice over who has saved the state in excess of £500,000 a year for two adoptive children. And I would never recommend fostering or adoption to anyone.

Dh is giving into his constant tantrums and feeding the behaviour. It's understandable why the brother is messed up and attention seeking but he needs structure, boundaries and consistency to become a decent adult.

14yo painting something out shouldn't come above a toddler whose fallen down regardless of relationship intricacies.

He needs sitting down and talking to. At 14 he can understand 2 toddlers need immediate attention and lots of it. I'd explain that you all want lots of family holidays with him in the future but it won't be happening if he's being such a little shite.

He's welcome on the holiday as a brother and an uncle but not as a third toddler. No running off and tantrummjng when he doesn't get what he wants immediately.

Can this poor kid not move in with your family?

I'm sure that if he has a loving family the clinginess will settle down.

Was there no potential for your partner to foster him? I know that no one has to help their family, but I think I'd struggle to have children with a man who left his young sibling in care unless there was a really good reason as to why offering him a home was impossible.

Anyway, he sounds deeply troubled and probably really he needs his brother right now. Prioritising him on holiday is completely understandable. Your twins are fine, they are with their mum (and the same would be true if your DP was caring for them primarily whilst you concentrated on a loved one in need). It might be harder for you, but honestly I think you should suck it up given the circumstances.

Well op you sound nice. ….. oh wait