To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

This is really hard. My DD is 21 and has put on a lot of weight over the last year. In her teens she was a member of a swimming club, went 3 times a week, then started figure skating and went 3-4 times a week which was excellent exercise and she had a lovely figure. She then joined a gym when she was 16. But then she met her boyfriend when she was 20 and has packed everything in and has since gone up 2-3 dress sizes. I did try and advise her to keep going to the gym for fitness but it fell on deaf ears so I don’t bother saying anything. She will only do something about it when she wants to. I remember when I went up to a size 18 when I was in my late 20’s and I suddenly thought I’ve got to do something about this which I did. Went to the gym 5 days a week, only had 3 meals a day, no snacks and drank loads of water and within a few months was a size 10/12. Could you suggest that you and her start going for a walk a few times a week?

No necessarily. I put on weight in my late 20s and didn't realise as I always wore lose fitting clothes.

At least your DD is bothered about being overweight @lifeinthemidlands, so many girls I see proudly have their stomachs hanging out over their clothes.

I was a fairly fat teenager - though looking back at photos I wasn't actually as bad as all that - and my DM pussyfooted around it. It would have been more helpful if she'd sat down with me and we'd planned my meals together.

Walking can be great for people with ADHD to help control and manage their impulses. I think she is a tricky age when LOTS of people gain weight, it’s not unusual at all.

If not for the dog walks, could getting her into walking and listening to podcasts/walking unusual routes/doing a step challenge for a good cause help?

I really think focusing the help around how she deserves to have a healthy body, she is a lovely person and should have a body that she can move and be comfortable and be strong is the minimum she deserves. It’s easy to lose focus when you’re working because it feels so exhausting, but her first job is to herself and to ensure her own wellness.

I really hope you can get her support.

It sounds like she's addicted to sugar. There's no easy answer but for health reasons alone she needs to make sure she doesn't gain weight over the summer. All you can do is encourage her to limit the size of chocolate bar and increase her exercise. You sound like a good mum, you are right not to tell her she looks great when she plainly doesn't.

If i am an asked a question I answer the question if people dont want honesty why ask in the first place?

No it is not the same as 4 year asking if their drawing is nice the peraon asking is an adult

What do you think is to be gained by telling/implying she doesn't look good in her chosed outfit?

I'm in a similar situation with my dds and really feel for you OP, it's so hard to know what to say.

Mine are both far too big for different reasons. One was recently diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis, tries really hard, counts calories, nothing works, gets fed up and gives up. The other is more like OP'S DD - binging on crap to get through a really stressful uni period.

I cook healthy meals for them when they're here, but becoming young adults with access to loads of crap food (and skinny friends able to live on junk food) made both of them furious that they weren't skinny! At times they've both given up trying out of frustration, put on lots of weight, then got upset about it.

Both my dds talk to me a lot about their weight and ask advice. I try to separate the weight from the person, validating their feelings but reinforcing the positives about anything they're wearing/
hair/makeup/colour etc.

If they show me a really unflattering outfit, I do say something careful if it really looks awful. Eg "hmm, doesn't look comfortable at all and that's detracting from the look, but I do like the shape/length/colour."

I do reinforce that it doesn't matter to me what size they wear, I just want them to feel confident. (Particularly as they have an incredibly judgemental father and get endlessly nagged about their weight when they see him - which is becoming more infrequent as they vote with their feet.)

I've taken them shopping/looked up very stylish larger girls on socials etc (in response to wails of "NObody can look nice at this size..."). I've emphasised how crap womens sizing is - therefore labels don't matter, but if it's affecting health we can think about making changes. Etc.

Dd1 is ND and finds firmer boundaries helpful when she's in the mood. We talk about looking after herself and sometimes put a few outfits together for certain events so she feels prepared. When she wants to talk about it, I focus on general health and always style over size. God knows if it's the right approach but both talk to me a lot so that's positive.

Sorry, I'll shut up now but solidarity from me, it's a fucking minefield!

If you can afford it, could you buy some new clothes for her?

Perhaps sit down with her tomorrow, one on one, and say that you’ve had a good think about what she said yesterday about her clothes not fitting and can see that it’s affecting her mood and self-esteem, and that you’d like to help her by taking her shopping. You can be upfront about a budget if you need to be, and could plan a capsule wardrobe with her to cover her needs.

Once she feels more comfortable in her clothes, it will hopefully boost her self-esteem enough for her to feel mentally able to address the issues that have caused her weight gain in the first place.

I am sure she knows without you pointing it out. If anything say you worry about a lack of exercise and suggest exercising together. Shaming her won't 'fix' her.

The ADHD is going to be a big part of the root cause. If she has severe executive functioning issues then it means her brain almost doesn’t have the software to make the changes she needs to make. From what you describe it sounds like she has no ability to put remedial action in place, no impulse control, no consistency etc if that’s her brain wiring it is virtually impossible to change.

theres a guy on insta called Jamalgetright or something like that. He is inspiring. His top tip for weight loss is putting all his salary into a savings account on day 1 of the month.

i really feel for your daughter. I hope the therapist is highly experienced in ADHD otherwise it will be a waste of time. I wish you well.

Have you suggested alternative snacks im not talking fruit but there are lots of great options to swap out the sugary ones e.g. Arla do protein chocolate puddings and salted caramel yoghurts that can be a nice dessert but way healthier to have and they taste great. Tesco have an offer on 5 for £5 so for £1 each its a really great alternative, it gives her that sweet hit with less calories and is more filling. On a more expensive option myprotein do chocolate protein wafers only 200 calories but they have a bit of chocolate on them and they are great. She wouldn't be able to eat too many as again with 15g of protein its filling.

I eat these as its a great way to feel like im having a dessert or 'biscuits' without all the bad calories.

The reason she is eating more and more is because the hit she gets from sugar is no longer effective so she then needs to eat more and more to get the same hit. Have to treat it like an addition.

“DD I can see that you haven’t been happy with your weight for a while now and as your mum I just want you to be the happiest and healthiest version of yourself so I would love to help in any way that I can.

Why don’t we start going out for walks every day, nothing unachievable, we can start small and work our way up. If you’d like we can start making our evening meal together and have fun with some new healthy recipes.”

Is it possible she has a binge eating disorder?

Is this doable op? I see you’ve answered.

It will likely work better than other methods of weight loss.

As someone 6 years older than your DD. My own mothers just likes to point out how fat I am, say how disgusting my pot belly looks and dress it up as concern for my physical health.

Ozempic / mounjaro and gym. Will reset her feeding habits within 6 months.

Pilates and gym are quite trendy with young people. Puregym or similar memberships are really affordable. Could you get her a membership plus some nice work out clothes? Perhaps she could go with a friend?

You can say that you will pay for weight loss jabs if she is happy to try them

I think though this could cause harm as if/when DD acknowledges her weight and perhaps her outfits not being appropriate/tight fitting then she will be hurt that her mum lied to her.
It could also be an issue if she does get laughed at when she goes out and comes back and says to her mum why didn't she stop her.

I’d tell her she looks lovely. She’s at an age when eating disorders are often triggered by the comments of others and I would never have forgiven my mum for bringing the topic of my weight up.

I think this is the most insightful comment on the thread so far.
Your daughter is trying desperately to help herself feel better which is a positive thing, yet her efforts are misfiring.