To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

Perhaps it’s my age but my Mum would never have tiptoed around issues of obesity, nor would she have said ‘I love you, you’re amazing’ whilst ignoring (no pun intended) the elephant in the room. Being significantly overweight is a health issue, which impacts one’s physical and mental health. Everyone who has battled weight issues and I’m in that camp, knows an absolute truth :’the longer one carries weight the harder it is to control’.
Do people know when they’re overweight or are they in denial? Well the scales don’t lie, and denial of an issue doesn’t cure it or make it go away.
Perhaps saying ‘darling do you monitor your weight because it’s a good place to start. Weight creeps on and it can be very hard on one’s self esteem. It’s a health issue. You’re young and of course you want to be your best and the healthiest possible. You’ll know yourself if you’ve put on weight, why don’t you and I put together a plan to get fitter and healthier?’
I don’t think it’s cruel or poor parenting to address issues honestly. One of my dearest friends has shed 6st on the jab. She exercises and monitors her weight weekly, she’s is a new woman and all this in her late 60s after 3 decades of being v fat, but her cri de coeur never changes “how did I let myself go, so badly, and for so many years?’
Being fat isn’t a lot of fun.

I would say
"it doesn't matter what I think, my fashion sense is awful!. You wear what you feel good in. And why don't we go shopping at the weekend?"

Edited to say: my daughter also put on a lot of weight in her early twenties. I figure she has enough problems in her life without me harping on about her health/appearance.

And also--the garbage that is deliberately added to food nowadays contributes greatly imo. Back a few decades ago, we didn't have this obesity problem.

I haven't read all the posts but I totally get where you're coming from. My daughter started gaining weight as soon as she became responsible for what she put in her mouth, essentially high school. It got worse when she got a Saturday job and was earning money. We went through periods of her trying to cut down but basically she wasnt ready. She went to Uni for 4 years and gradually got bigger and bigger. She was morbidly obese when she graduated. That was the turning point. That was when she was ready. I have helped her to lose nearly 6 stones. You can't do anything until she wants to change. My daughter was extremely touchy about her weight. Sometimes it was a no go subject, other times it was a tearful confession about how she really felt. We've used WLI. She's got a little bit more to go. Just support her, she knows she's big. Good luck!!

All you need to do is to tell her you love her, and how amazing she is.

And when she reaches the point where her weight affects her health and is way more difficult to lose ? What then ?

As someone who is passionate about healthy eating (in fact it was my job to educate young people)and have a daughter who was overweight, I completely disagree I’m afraid. From experience it will completely crush the confidence of your daughter if you are direct and critical. Of course she will understand she has a problem and the clothes are tight, she can see it every time she looks in the mirror. She knows about healthy eating, the messages are everywhere. You have to wait in the background, reinforcing that you love and support her until she is ready to change. I’m sorry I don’t have an easy answer but if you are critical she will remember it for life, and it will hurt her tremendously. I speak from experience and yet I spoke because I cared, and saw it as my parental role.
Ten years on, mine has joined a gym and seems to be wanting to lose weight. Good luck.

I don't think it's misogynistic to point out (if asked) that clothes do not fit properly. At least part of the issue here is that the DD's clothes are now too small for her. Skimpy clothes in the right size, however large that size is, will look much better than skimpy clothes that are too small. No one, even if they're a healthy weight, looks good if they are bursting out of their clothes.

I agree with a pp's suggestion to offer a shopping trip for clothes that fit properly. DD will feel more comfortable and confident then.

Yes but she asked.. is OP supposed to lie or just refuse to answer? Comforting her and telling her she’s not overweight is going to enable her to continue to ignore her weight. You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer not to get chemo because they are actually fine.

I’d probably approach this from an angle of wanting her to feel good whatever her weight/size.

‘DD I’ve noticed that some of your clothes are looking a bit small now. Do you fancy going shopping to buy some things that feel a bit more comfortable?’

This gives her an opportunity to reflect on her weight and decide whether she wants to do anything about it without feeling judged or criticised. A shopping trip, or even just knowing that you’ve noticed and are supportive, rather than critical, is a good opportunity to open up.

I would never say ‘that’s unflattering’ or ‘yes you do look larger on that outfit’ because frankly the idea that only people (let’s face it, women) with certain bodies can wear certain clothes is quite misogynistic and doesn’t actually help anyone get healthier.

This.

Why is she “unhappy generally”? Can you help her with the underlying depression which is causing her to comfort-eat? Unless there has been a significant factor in her life (poor grades, inability to get a job, broken love affair) this is worrying. Perhaps gently suggest counselling for the depression which may help on both fronts.

But they probably are beautiful no matter what they weigh. Bigger women can be attractive. It’s a health thing and that’s what the focus should be.

“Look I think you look gorgeous and amazing and I always will. Youre not any less attractive because youve put on weight. I just think you need a bigger size! If you want to lose it I can help you but it’s totally up to you.”

Shame and making her feel bad does nothing. She’s got to want to lose it herself.

It's a hard one. My dp is the same he's put weight on and still wears the same size, the clothes just cling to all the wrong areas. I've said just buy next size up it will be more comfy but he doesn't want to. It's very hard to navigate without sounding mean. I've suggested working out and running together. There's not much you can really do it's on her to make the right choices. Just encourage her.

If it is atomoxetine then that isn’t known for weight gain. In fact more the opposite.

This. Spot on-who doesn’t know they’re overweight. She needs nothing but love from you.

Agree. Ithink a lot of it is they are told they are beautiful whatever weight they are and to wear what they want. I think there's a lot of overweight young women who have un diagnosed pcos as well.

I don't think there is much you can actively do for her right now, only telling her you love her whatever her size or weight, and that you are ready to support her if and when she wants to do something about it. Offering to drive or accompany her to a session or to walk with her if she chooses walking as a way to loose weight, that kind of thing. I would also at least try to convince her to hand her stash of snacks to you and that you help her limiting what she actually eats while the whole stash remains hers? But that she "must" ask you for that extra bar of chocolate? Of course this can only work with mutual love and respect!

Could you join a gym and go together?

I feel for you and for her. As her mum you want to see her happy and thriving , but I would be honest with her, as gently as you can - try to push her in the right direction , keep offering healthy meals , suggest going for walks with her and getting moving. Walking works wonders and it’s no pressure. 19 is still so young and that at age you tend to loose weight fairly quickly. Keep showing her love & support. 😊

OP, I have ADHD. I'm a normal weight, but was a good stone overweight after having a baby (until I stopped breastfeeding and it suddenly fell off). I also lost a stone and a half when I first went on Elvanse. It really helped with the 'food noise'.

The thing that would be kindest is for you to understand appetite and impulsivity as experienced by people with ADHD. This is very likely to be part of her condition. She is very short of dopamine and this is what she has found that works reliably. ADHD is strongly associated with binge eating disorder, for example.

Does she have good insight into her condition? And do you know much about it yourself?

Don't tiptoe around it - it's a major health issue, and will also be making her very unhappy. But don't blame her for something which is genuinely difficult to manage.

Check out online resources on ADHD and compulsive eating, e.g. ADHD and Eating Disorders – Think ADHD

Don't be mean to her. If you are, then she will feel that you're not a safe person. She can always lose weight, but she will never forget that her mother made her feel bad for her size.

She asked (because really she knew the answer) and you answered diplomatically and as tactfully as possible. What else were you supposed to do?

First thing to do is help her buy some clothes that fit and feel comfortable.

Fat people are allowed to wear skimpy clothing. However skimpy clothing is a big sunburn risk so is only really justifiable outdoors if you're willing to put a lot of time into adding sunscreen to all of the exposed skin. That gives you an argument re outdoor clothes - like everybody else in this weather she should be wearing loose fitting clothes in natural fibres, ideally with long sleeves and legs covered to the ankles.

It's perfectly justifiable to dress for heat with a plan to remove the outer layers on arrival at an indoor venue. With clothes that look too small the question I would ask is around whether it feels comfortable. You can talk about dressing for yourself which can include avoiding uncomfortable clothes.

Are you serving big enough portions of standard meals? Is there enough fat / protein / carbohydrates in them? This is worth looking at - she needs to feel full after meals which may mean she'll be better with a bigger portion of meal food so she's less hungry for other snacks.

You could make sure there are nuts, cheeses, fruits available as snacks ie. protein heavy snacks as a contrast to high carb ones.

Worth her asking her GP to check if she has PCOS/PMOS.

She may want help navigating adult ADHD services - does she have / want medication for it?

I wouldn't intervene at all, she's an adult and she knows she has put weight on.

I was a tiny bit overweight in my teens and I'm eternally grateful than my parents said nothing or were only positive about my appearance. I'd have been mortified if they told me I needed to lose weight and it would have been entirely counterproductive.

My DDs are slim but I would never say anything about weight in any circumstances unless they directly asked for advice.