To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

Have only read OP’s comments rather than the whole thread.

Based on the fact that your DD has gained weight rapidly, and you mention a lot of snacking on sweets and other highly processed foods, she is probably dealing with more than emotional eating, though that as well.

She may have binge eating disorder (which is a condition with a defined set of diagnostic criteria), or an addiction to certain types of processed food (which is not generally accepted by the medical establishment, but there is a significant number of professionals who do believe in it, treat it, and are working to have it formally recognised). ADHD makes her more likely to have either or both of these conditions.

If either of those is the case, then a focus on weight, while completely understandable, is not helpful. Either from you, or her. The focus needs to be on understanding and dealing directly with the dysfunctional eating patterns and what lies beneath them. If she is able to do that then the weight gain will stop, and she will probably lose a fair bit of what she’s gained.

I don’t know how you go about it, OP, but I can share some of my own experience. I was a fat child, obese teenager, became morbidly obese in my mid twenties, peaking at over 22 stone in my mid-forties. This relentless rise was punctuated by frequent diets, none of which got me all the way to goal, but all of which were followed by a period of rapid gain.

For the first 30 years I just thought I had a weight problem, but in my early 30’s realised I had an eating problem. I met the criteria for Binge Eating Disorder, but never found an effective treatment.

My solution now is Overeaters Anonymous, which I’ve been part of for coming up to 11 months. The few months prior to joining, I was in the familiar rapid gain phase following a major weight loss. Joining OA has put a stop to that, and allowed me to very, very gradually lose most of that regain. Although I remain overweight, the yo-yo has stopped. I have been wearing the same (smaller) size of clothes for 18 months now, which has never happened in the previous 60 years. I eat sanely and normally and have opted to completely eliminate sugar and processed snack foods because of the way they trigger my compulsive eating.

So my suggestion to you, OP, is that you google phrases like binge eating disorder, compulsive eating and food addiction. Have a read, and see where that takes you. If I’m right then there is every chance your DD is eating far more than what you see and hiding it because she is ashamed. She thinks what she’s doing is disgusting, and assumes you will too. Listen to the stories of people who suffer from these conditions, and who are recovering from them. You may initially be shocked by some of the things people do….. but it will help desensitise you so that you are not shocked if and when she starts to tell you what she has been doing. She needs hope, acceptance and love.

Recovery is possible.

ADHD meds do not always help with binge eating. They initially suppressed appetite in DD but it was only for a week or so. She is on methylphenidate.
OP, I have DD of the same age, she is AuDHD and is now obese. We have the same issues with choice of clothing. If she were confident in herself and said f**CK off my body I will wear what I love, I would be ok. She knows she is overweight and the clothes do not suit her and she will ask me for my opinion and it's really hard. I also come from a different culture so it's even harder for me to say " you look greatx even though I can see her all her bits.
I have had several shopping episodes that have ended in disaster. Even if i offer to take her shopping to buy clothes that properly fit, she would insist she is a small or buy something extremely tight and several sizes smaller. It's almost like she is deluded and has no understanding of sizing and what fits (forget alone what looks good). We have had years of therapy, CBT, DBT name it we have done it. I have now realised things will only change when she really wants to and as a previous poster said when she hyper focuses on health and healthy eating.
Till then I have decided to save my sanity. I cook from scratch, feed my kids normal amount of treats and shut my mouth and look away when she orders food at restaurants. We were recently on holiday and watching her eat the breakfast buffet was quite sad for me and her dad. But we decided to not say anything and ruin everyone's holiday.
Maybe she will get there one day maybe she won't. I have no answers only solidarity to you.
Xx

She said nothing fits? So maybe offer to take her shopping for new clothes? If she feels nice the way she’s dressed she may feel more confident and less frustrated and more spurred on to take better care of herself food wise

You could always ask her how she thinks something looks and suggest that everyone can use style updates now and again, but I’m kind of with you. Not telling her is not doing her any favors. And she may not like hearing it, but you’re being far kinder than others will.

I've read all your posts, OP, but not all the replies as I find a lot of them very depressing tbh.

I completely empathise with your DD, I am a comfort eater and have poor impulse control, and I understand how hard it is to be stuck in the cycle of feeling awful about yourself (because of the weight and the lack of control over unhealthy food) and unable to break it. I'm 40 and I struggle - it must be so much harder aged 19.

My advice is to focus exclusively on her mental health and not on her weight and the physical health impacts (which will frankly make her feel worse). Of course the long term goal is for her to be physically healthier too, which means losing weight, but I think the crucial thing is for her to be in the right headspace or it's not going to work. If I was her mum, when she asks if she looks fat and how outfits look, I would be honest about the fact that she has gained weight and the clothes don't fit so well any more, but I would also tell her that she is beautiful at any size (whether you believe this or not, it is so important - point out good features she has) and that you're sorry she doesn't feel as confident in her outfit but you can help her find outfits she feels more confident and comfortable in, if she likes. It might seem counter intuitive but she needs to feel better about how she looks right now if she has any chance of breaking the cycle.

i think the most important thing is getting her ADHD meds right and supporting her to continue with counselling. If and when she feels ready, she might start to think about steps she can take to address the emotional eating and the binge eating. But it obviously has to come from her, not you.

Oh and by all means encourage her to exercise but the reasoning should be that it supports her mental and physical health. Not to lose weight (it will make very little difference compared to what she eats).

Oh and FWIW I've been doing slimming world for over a year now and they have some interesting content on the psychology of healthy eating. Not sure if you can access the blog or the podcasts if you're not a member. Anyway if she asks you about healthy eating options (a big if!) it could be one to suggest she considers. Don't just tell her she needs to go, of course.

Why not sit her down and have an honest conversation. Say you love her and want her to make the best of herself and you find it had to be dishonest when she asks you if she looks fat.
At the end of the day she will be 100% fully aware she has gained weight. Ask her why she thinks that is, what can you do to help etc. Try suggest going for a walk together or going to a class.
Ultimately if she isnt ready to lose weight yet then she wont do it. My mum dragged me to every slimming club in the area, made me get weighed every day, made nasty comments to try and shame me infront of friends. None of it worked as I wasn't ready. Intact I became a secret eater instead. Just try help and support her which you seem to be doing

Food is an addiction. You’re her mum she needs love and support without judgment. You may have a part to play in why she comfort eats. I would tell her she is beautiful when she asks and focus on her health. Encourage a trip to GP/ any activities you can do together. I’m sure you like to keep fit too. Did you teach her how to shop for and cook healthy meals? If not maybe set a day aside to do this together?

I have ADHD and I comfort eat and sadly I left my weight spiral out of control over the years. Please remember that we ADHD folks don't take negative comments well... It's the wiring 🙈 do talk to her about the fact that ADHD does make it more difficult to stay away from specific foods but that it is (fairly) easy to fix by making sure she has enough protein (30g per meal) and fiber (30g per day) as that will help keep the blood sugar steady. Don't expect her to give up the snacks but rather help her find better alternatives (say rice cakes with peanut butter and an apple cut in cubes with cinnamon if she's a crunch addict like me). Better still help her find a hobby that uses her hands or at least her head ☺️
But please do have an honest discussion about her weight. Not judge, but to help make a plan on how to adress it with a reasonable timescale so she can feel it's doable (you will get a better it in)... Chances are she's overwhelmed and feels really crap for letting herself get there. I wold like to recommend a read: "ADHD body and mind". The doctor's kitchen podcast covered it a few weeks ago and it might help you both understand each other? You are a great mum for trying to help your daughter 🥰 she's lucky to have you!

But when someone (particularly your child) asks how they look or if an outfit is nice, they are not always looking for honesty, they just need to hear that they look great, and that you love them and think they are beautiful, whether you actually think so or not. I think this is where things are going wrong- you are muddling the two

Thats just giving confusing messages. Why lie and say they look great when everyone can see they look a right tutle.

Ds used to go out in some right horror outfits and ask me what I thought. I just used to say something like ' well, im not loving it' or ' I've seen you in better".
Im not being harsh or a liar.

Personally, I'd try to separate the outfit from her body. Instead of saying she looks fat or that she's put on weight, I'd say like, "I don't think that outfit is doing you justice. I think the other one suits you much better." That keeps the focus on the clothes rather than her size.
From what you've written, it also sounds as though her weight may be linked to the fact she's unhappy.
You're clearly trying to support her by cooking healthy meals and encouraging her to get help, which is probably more valuable in the long run than commenting on her appearance. If she wants to make changes, she'll likely need compassion and encouragement rather than reassurance that isn't true or blunt honesty that leaves her feeling worse.

When my youngest had put on weight, she asked me if she had gained weight because her tummy was sticking out of her clothes. I told her, yes she had. She asked me if she was fat and I explained that she looked a little plump but if she stopped all the sweets, chocolate and cakes then she will slim back to normal really quickly. She was a bit quiet and sad about it but cracked on with it. After a month of cutting out junk food she looked slim again. I congratulated her and told her that she could have kept gaining weight or lost it like she did and that she should be very proud of herself. She now keeps an eye on her weight and only has an unhealthy treat on Sundays or someone’s birthday. So of course you should tell someone the truth, when asking about their appearance. It’s down to them what they do about it.

because they realise that they don’t have to wear clothes that others deem ‘flattering’. They wear whatever they please and more power to them.

Our daughters have rejected the notion that only people with certain body types can wear certain clothes and I love it for them! I see young people wearing clothes i wouldn't have worn with my body shape all the time, I think they've realised how limiting concepts like "flattering" are and maybe they are able to love themselves exactly as they are, or at least not let a patriarchal narrative of "beauty " shape their lives. I think it's fucking brilliant.

If your DD is complaining about her weight, id ask her what she would like to do about it. Depending on what she says ,id then try and support her in her choice.
As for when she asks you directly how she looks in a particular outfit ,id ask what she thinks before answering ,but i think if reasonable that you are kindly honest. When she asked how the unflattering outfit looked ,id would have said i have to be honest its not highlighting your best features,i prefer outfit b.

You should tell her.

I wouldn't approach it from the 'flattering' and 'appearance' angle. That can cause a really negative reaction along the lines 'so people think I look fat, so what, I don't care what anyone thinks' - women don't necessarily obsess over their appearance and others' opinion in the same way anymore.

In fact, the current fallout presents a great opportunity.

Go to apologise to her and say you are sorry if what you said hurt her feelings, however, you are concerned about her health and her sudden weight gain. Bring into it irreversible health issues for life (diabetes, obesity related complications) as well as the link between obesity and poor mental health. If your expertise in that field isn't that great, maybe ger her watching some videos. The Tim Spector show on ITV (Channel 4?) is pretty good in delivering the message. Lots of videos from various scientists on social also, such as Giles Yeo of Cambridge, Diary of CEO has also interviewed various academic experts etc.

Suggest to go to GP together as weight gain can be caused by hormones etc, so propose to get bloods done, measure blood sugar etc. (GP may not actually prescribe these, however, she may be better off hearing this from someone with medical expertise rather than 'just' her mum - and reinforce the message that you care about her health, not her looks).

I was fat and in bad health (chiefly bad mental health) some of my teens, 20s and 30s.

I am now a size 8 in excellent health and extremely happy and mentally in a great place, active, social, dare I say gorgeous? Living my best life. Highly functioning human.

I really wish someone would have had an intervention in a nice way (not 'you look a bit fat' way). I wasted many good years functioning at 60%.

My mum did have an intervention with me with acne, taking me to a proper doctor and getting meds, after she saw I was miserable and desperate. I really really wish she would have done the same about my weight.

I haven't read all the answers. I was your daughter at 19, in the late 1980s. The fat friend. I was (am) by nature a cheerful, positive person but being overweight at 19 made me miserable and embarrassed, and I was seemingly unable to do anything about it. I tried everything, normal diets, Weight Watchers, Cambridge diet (paid for by my mum) but I could only ever last for about 3-4 weeks maximum, never lost more than a couple of pounds and the overwhelming urge to eat ice-cream, chocolate, cake, was always more powerful in that moment (not in the long-term, I desperately wanted to be slim) but in the moment the ability to delay gratification was just non-existent. I just wanted the sweet treat more. We now understand this as food noise. I thought it was gluttony and a lack of self-control. I felt such shame and humiliation.

My mum (and dad to an extent) didn't know how best to help me. I'd moan about it, cry sometimes, and my mum would even try bribing me as she knew how unhappy I was. "After you lose a stone I'll buy you some new clothes" or she'd offer to give me money towards a holiday etc. My dad once told me that I needed to lose weight before leaving uni as I wouldn't do very well in job interviews as people would make assumptions about me. Their words crushed me but I forgive them, they were doing their best.

When I was 21 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Is that a possibility for your daughter? Back then (before the internet) you were given a sheet of A4 and just told to get on with it. The doc basically just said come back if you ever want children, and you'll probably struggle with your weight on an ongoing basis. Try and eat less. See ya!

I'm mid-50s now. My weight has been the dominant 'feature' of my adult life. I've spent from my late teens to very recently yo-yo dieting, managing to gain and lose a few stone on repeat, but never being anything less than a size 16. Spent most of my life as a size 22-24. It has really affected my life. The shame and humiliation has never left me. I've always felt less than, in pretty much every aspect of my life. I've been super-fit (have run three marathons, multiple halfs and 10ks in my thirties before injury put paid to that) but I've never been slim. I'm a good person (I like to think), I've excelled academically and have a great job and great friends and in many respects a great life, but it was all tainted by being fat and feeling a failure. Why could I just not achieve this one thing that other people found so easy?

Boringly, as most of these stories go, yes, I am now on mounjaro. I've lost six stone and am now slim-ish. I lost it painfully, painfully slowly - about 2lbs per month prob due to being menopausal and having PCOS. I'm still on it. Have another stone to go, and then will remain on a low dose.

I think about how different my life could have been if I've had the opportunity to do this at 19. I know some people will baulk at this, but I'm speaking as someone who was like your daughter at 19 and remained that way for another 35 years. I think about how carefree I could have been in my 20s, enjoying nights out with my friends, rather than dreading every event and shrinking in the corner. I think about how I could have gone clothes shopping in normal shops and not had to buy everything I owned from Evans. I think about holidays, pretending I didn't like swimming or sunbathing, so I wouldn't have to wear a swimming costume. I think we know enough about obesity now to know that, while lifestyle changes are the ultimate answer, some people are just not able to maintain them. Otherwise yo-yo dieting would not be a thing, and we'd all be slim.

I have only been able to maintain those lifestyle changes due to this new, enormous cavern in my brain where the food noise used to be. For me it's been the equivalent of having 36 hours in every day instead of 24. A whole new world of time and space to make and embed those changes. I don't think because someone is only 19 they should be denied this opportunity, though I appreciate others will strongly disagree. But I'm just saying, I wouldn't rule it out. I would maybe research it, and consider the fact that she may also be able to make the same changes once she doesn't have the chocolate demon breathing down her neck. Then weigh it up against the quite strong possibility that she just stays on the same trajectory she's on now and nothing changes. And she spends the best years of her life feeling inferior and unhappy.

So many people have been commenting on how underweight Ariana Grande is, “look at her ribs sticking out, it’s so sad to see”…and it’s considered acceptable. What if she had put lots of weight on and comments were, “oh, look at her double chin, all those bulges, she’s let herself go, she needs to go on a diet” etc…you can imagine the backlash there would be about that!

Excellent point - why is this ok to say but not the other way around? both anorexia and compulsive eating are eating disorders

I agree- ive noticed a lot of young obese people wearing clothes that are far too tight and skimpy and they look awful. They are so tight they look almost painful.

Are people supposed to lie and say it looks amazing when it actually looks really awful?

A previous poster asked why she might be unhappy.

Transition to adulthood and independence is tough for people with ADHD - there is so much you have to remember. She may be finding her job stressful because she has to focus at work. Rejection sensitivity is one aspect of ADHD so any constructive feedback she may be getting from managers, customers or peers may be more painful than for most people.

Indeed, it isn't great fun being 19 for most young people right now - jobs are very hard to get, career progression is hard, prices are high, rents are high, your dream life is thrown in your face all the time via social media while seeming unattainable, and it feels as if everything you do is wrong. It's an age where appearance and social life matter an awful lot.

Sometimes, as the old saying goes, you have to be cruel to be kind.

I am going to be slated here, but why is telling someone that, yes, the truth is, they are fat, considered an insult? It is just the opposite of thin. If a person’s daughter came out in a bra top and mini skirt, ribs sticking out, skeletal legs, and so forth, it would be considered neglectful NOT to say they were too thin and that it was worrying, as being so underweight is bad for health. Plus, it is not attractive, and that is just a fact.

So many people have been commenting on how underweight Ariana Grande is, “look at her ribs sticking out, it’s so sad to see”…and it’s considered acceptable. What if she had put lots of weight on and comments were, “oh, look at her double chin, all those bulges, she’s let herself go, she needs to go on a diet” etc…you can imagine the backlash there would be about that!

Being obese is more of a problem these days because people tiptoe around being real about it with people. That doesn’t mean telling people they look like a hippo, either, just being honest and commenting that, if they want to look and feel their best, then losing weight when they are fat would be a good thing to do.

I totally sympathise. I have a very similar daughter. People just don't understand how hard it can be to help them

I think it's kinder to tell her the truth, that she's put on too much weight and needs a healthier lifestyle. Encourage her to see her GP to discuss what she can do about it, tell her to stop buying all the junk but find good alternatives. Encourage her to exercise, do it with her if necessary, make it fun. Ask her what she would enjoy doing, dance classes are just as good as going to the gym. Make her feel that she's got some hope. Trying to be "kind" isn't really kind. She obviously isn't happy to be overweight and growing out of all her clothes.

Exactly 👏

If she is saying none of her clothes fit her anymore just take her shopping or give her money to buy clothes which are more comfortable. Dont make everything into a negative

This is so true. They look awful and either can’t see it or don’t care