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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

314 replies

lifeinthemidlands · 11/07/2026 13:35

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

OP posts:
Rosemariebear · 13/07/2026 04:15

Hallywally · 11/07/2026 13:51

Why not offer to take her shopping to choose some nice new clothes or look up some plus size fashion influencers with her for ideas? Feeling shit about herself is only likely to make her comfort eat more and pile on even more weight. Have you suggesting a slimming club (online or in person) or weight loss jabs if she’s struggling to do it alone?

That’s what I would do, suggest a shopping trip where you can find more flattering clothes. Of course still try with the healthy diet too. Properly fitting clothes make such a difference.

Imisssleep88 · 13/07/2026 03:02

If she is upset about clothes no longer fitting, be honest say she either needs to buy some new ones in a bigger size or lose weight. You could say you could do it together, eat healthy meals together and/or do exercise together to encourage her, even if you don't need to lose weight doing exercise together is more encouraging than on your own

BreezyLurker · 13/07/2026 02:32

I’d recommend looking up a lady I’ve been following in Instagram called Dr Anna Colton - she has a book. Called “how to talk to children about food” & she is very knowledgeable & makes fantastic informational videos about this sort of thing.

OwlBeThere · 13/07/2026 02:20

Elemenopea · 12/07/2026 23:21

I just wanted to add a comment as I see weight loss medication has cropped up quite a bit.

medication is only a part of it. If your daughter has no interest in learning how to properly nourish and look after herself while taking it she’ll be back at square one when she stops. Take that from someone who spent a lot of money on a glp1 and just didn’t eat. I got so addicted to chasing the losses I didn’t look after myself, kept increasing doses etc. it gave me a terrible relationship with food and myself.

If you do resort to glp1 please consider something like team rh alongside it which has a low cost and a glp1 plan to help learn about nutrition etc during the process or I found a lot of help and success with Munro method, working with a nutritionist, checking in every two weeks, learning about what’s good for my body etc was amazing (and cheaper than medication!)

urgh. i don’t agree at all about team RH, if she is sensitive about her weight that man isn’t going to make her feel any better. He is a bully. When i asked him about being unable to walk as much as he recommends and he called me lazy and unmotivated. I literally can’t walk. He said to stop making excuses.
🤷‍♂️

Mackerelfillets · 13/07/2026 02:16

lifeinthemidlands · 12/07/2026 23:02

She knows how to cook, and I cook her healthy meals. She eats them and then eats a load of sweet crap after it.i have bought her vouchers for th same gym as me ( with her agreement) but so far she won’t come. She also won’t come for a walk with me in the evening.

i took her out to buy some new clothes today - she was reluctant to buy things in her size and think it made her more miserable.

it is clearly linked to both her adhd and mental state. I’m going to take a step back and just try to support her, but it’s difficult when she raises it with me. She’s not ready to do anything now though.
thanks for your ideas everyone.

In my other post I shoukd have added that my daughter also has a diagnosis of ADHD. It did effect her eating/ binging. The amount of wrappers in her disgusting bedroom was staggering. Filled countless bin liners when she was going to Uni. She needed help to clear it out. She just couldn't do it without a body double. If you know you know.

RosesLikeButter · 13/07/2026 02:01

I think the way society frames having body fat as being some kind of personality flaw, or something disgusting is the issue, and the striving for thinness is an issue. Weight loss jabs which just trash your appetite are an issue.

Fat is part of body composition, and a having a certain percentage range of body fat is healthy. Too much fat is not healthful, too little fat is not healthful. I see fitness influencers who are clearly underweight, and muscle mass cannot be maintained in a chronic calorie deficit, especially when fat reserves are gone. Muscle mass is one of the best contributors to longevity and health.

I suggest your daughter starts lifting at the gym, to grow muscle. This is taking lifts to failure, for minimal sets (2-3) and rep ranges around 6-10 (heaviest she can manage) and 12-15 (a bit less weight than the first), look up “progressive overload”. If she falls in love with lifting and strength training the rest will fall into place. A high protein diet no less than 100-120g a day, keeps you satiated and changes the palate. If she eats a lot of sweet treats this will be the hardest part to beat, sugar is addictive, I know it, but the craving does go away and she will be able to take it or leave it once it passes. Fat loss is entirely dependent on a calorie deficit, for sustainability I’d say 1600-1800kcal a day (with lifting at the gym minimum 3x a week), she will see fat loss, just do it every single day. Crash diets just lead to binging. Lifting heavy also builds and maintains bone density, which is particularly important after 30 years old, they will always be good habits to keep. Building muscle forever changes muscle at a cellular level (increase in nuclei) which is where muscle memory comes from - she will always regain muscle faster in the future if she has to take a break from lifting. Muscle mass is what builds metabolism, and yo-yo diets and chronic under eating and without strength training (and aging) is what contributes to the struggle to shift excess fat later in life, so eating well to fuel her body and muscle growth, particularly as an optimal body fat range is reached, is really important.

The human body is designed to run on carbs and our brains love sugar, we’re designed for feast or famine and we live in a world with surplus food, her body is doing exactly what it’s designed to do by storing fat, but she’s not in a wild environment anymore, so she needs to manage it. A food scale and accurate tracking like MyFitnessPal is helpful and not disordered as some people like to say, there’s so many foods that are surprisingly dense that it’s easy to eat several portions without realising it, like butter etc. it’s also important to track her protein as it’s also easy to underestimate chicken portions for example and she may need to eat more of some foods. Carbs are not the enemy in this story either, they’re great for our brain and pump up muscle to look fuller as they draw water into the tissue, but being mindful of calories as some carbs are just not as nutritionally beneficial as others.

Switching up the perspective that the gym is somewhere to experiment, to train, to develop and grow is a much healthier outlook in a world that seems to tell us we need to shrink.

Consistency is the cornerstone of all this, results are seen months to years down the line, and showing up week after week no matter if she’s feeling it or not is what makes it happen.

I hope this helps, as it’s something I wish I knew earlier in life.

To add.. rest is really important, muscle growth depends on the stimulus (lifting), nutrition, and rest - spread working out muscle groups throughout the week, and lifting no more than 4-5 days a week, as the body needs to recover. None of this needs to be over done, train hard, eat well, rest. I wish her all the best.

lifeinthemidlands · 12/07/2026 23:58

DianaBlackCat · 12/07/2026 23:23

I’m really disappointed but not surprised by the majority of comments here given the general fatphobia on Mumsnet. I have been fat on and off pretty much my entire life, and I can tell you now, the worst thing that ever happened was parents/family calling me fat as a child or making comments about my weight. It didn’t magically make me thin, or change my eating habits - but it shattered my self confidence and I’ll never fully heal from it. I know why I’m fat - I eat too much and don’t get enough exercise, combined with mental health issues and low self esteem. I also had genetic tests which found I’m predisposed to weigh 20% more than average- go figure!
It sounds like she needs support for her broader emotional issues and she needs you as her mother to be kind, supportive and a safe person. She knows she’s put on weight, she doesn’t need you reminding her about it. You’ll probably find that being there for her and actually trying to understand why she’s struggling mentally will naturally help her getting out of emotional eating. Any desire to lose weight needs to come from her, not you or anyone else - she is 19 so legally an adult and her appearance is nobody’s business but her own. It’s also quite normal for young women to gain weight as they go into adulthood as their metabolism slows. Weight is a very complex and such a sensitive issue - if you love her please don’t make her feel worse than she already does by exacerbating her insecurities

I’m not calling her fat - she is. And talking to me about it frequently. I don’t raise it unless she does. My original question was how do I respond - the answers on this thread have no real consensus but generally people are saying not to lie, while making it clear I still love her. There have been some helpful suggestions for wordings by some posters - thank you!

OP posts:
Frog1004 · 12/07/2026 23:57

hattie43 · 11/07/2026 13:44

ive noticed a lot of fat young people don’t care what they look like or wear . I don’t know why she can’t see that an outfit is unflattering.

People deserve to have body confidence and wear the clothes they want to!

ResultsMayVary · 12/07/2026 23:52

lifeinthemidlands · 11/07/2026 15:43

She’s about to start a new medication (has been largely unmedicated for the last year due to side effects) so this is an additional concern - it’s a non- stimulant.

Some ADHD medications reduce appetite and usually cause weight loss. A friend on Vyvanse said she had to remember to eat and the cravings largely went away.

Perhaps the right medication could be part of the answer. It sounds like she's currently medicating herself with food.

DianaBlackCat · 12/07/2026 23:23

I’m really disappointed but not surprised by the majority of comments here given the general fatphobia on Mumsnet. I have been fat on and off pretty much my entire life, and I can tell you now, the worst thing that ever happened was parents/family calling me fat as a child or making comments about my weight. It didn’t magically make me thin, or change my eating habits - but it shattered my self confidence and I’ll never fully heal from it. I know why I’m fat - I eat too much and don’t get enough exercise, combined with mental health issues and low self esteem. I also had genetic tests which found I’m predisposed to weigh 20% more than average- go figure!
It sounds like she needs support for her broader emotional issues and she needs you as her mother to be kind, supportive and a safe person. She knows she’s put on weight, she doesn’t need you reminding her about it. You’ll probably find that being there for her and actually trying to understand why she’s struggling mentally will naturally help her getting out of emotional eating. Any desire to lose weight needs to come from her, not you or anyone else - she is 19 so legally an adult and her appearance is nobody’s business but her own. It’s also quite normal for young women to gain weight as they go into adulthood as their metabolism slows. Weight is a very complex and such a sensitive issue - if you love her please don’t make her feel worse than she already does by exacerbating her insecurities

Elemenopea · 12/07/2026 23:21

I just wanted to add a comment as I see weight loss medication has cropped up quite a bit.

medication is only a part of it. If your daughter has no interest in learning how to properly nourish and look after herself while taking it she’ll be back at square one when she stops. Take that from someone who spent a lot of money on a glp1 and just didn’t eat. I got so addicted to chasing the losses I didn’t look after myself, kept increasing doses etc. it gave me a terrible relationship with food and myself.

If you do resort to glp1 please consider something like team rh alongside it which has a low cost and a glp1 plan to help learn about nutrition etc during the process or I found a lot of help and success with Munro method, working with a nutritionist, checking in every two weeks, learning about what’s good for my body etc was amazing (and cheaper than medication!)

lifeinthemidlands · 12/07/2026 23:02

She knows how to cook, and I cook her healthy meals. She eats them and then eats a load of sweet crap after it.i have bought her vouchers for th same gym as me ( with her agreement) but so far she won’t come. She also won’t come for a walk with me in the evening.

i took her out to buy some new clothes today - she was reluctant to buy things in her size and think it made her more miserable.

it is clearly linked to both her adhd and mental state. I’m going to take a step back and just try to support her, but it’s difficult when she raises it with me. She’s not ready to do anything now though.
thanks for your ideas everyone.

OP posts:
MsAmerica · 12/07/2026 22:59

lifeinthemidlands · 11/07/2026 13:35

DD 19 has put on a lot of weight recently as is now objectively overweight (probably obese). She complains about this but continues with appalling eating habit, partly because she is quite unhappy generally. I have tried to support her by cooking healthy meals and suggesting counseling for her wider issues. She continues to wear very skimpy clothes that are now too small for her, and frequently asks me how she looks. Today she was wearing a cropped t shirt and very short skirt and asked me if she looked fat. I said I didn’t think the outfit was particularly flattering and suggested an alternative (it looked pretty awful to be honest). She then got upset and said many of her clothes no longer fit, and she didn’t think she’d put on that much weight. I didn’t say anything, which she took to mean I thought she had (which is true). She’s now upset with me. I don’t think I dealt with the situation brilliantly and was taken a bit by surprise but can’t bring myself to lie. I don’t mention her weight unless she specifically asks. I don’t want her to feel more miserable than she does about her weight but don’t think I should minimize it either. I try to complement her hair / makeup etc. instead. How would others deal with it?

I happen to be in the minority with this, but I completely support your efforts. One of my parents died of obesity, and it's painful for me to see other people blithely ignore it as their friends or loved ones gain weight, worried about hurting anyone's feelings.

Obesity would always be a serious health issue, but at her age, it will have a negative impact with other parts of her life as well. Let's face the truth: If an employer has two equally qualified candidates, he's less likely to hire the fat one.

If she's living a home, you can not only make healthful meals, but limit the quantity and limit the amount of junk food in the house. Your suggestion of counselling also seems smart. And if she's living at home with you, doesn't that mean you have some clout?

Of course, you're right not to badger her, but I agree you shouldn't lie. Why would you lie to encourage her on a path to ill health and unhappiness? And, you know, you're not required to search around for something to compliment. Nothing wrong with saying: I'm sorry you're upset, but I can't lie to you, especially not about something so important.

By the way, does she have a scale? If so, then it's no longer an issue of whether she "thinks" she hasn't put on much weight - she'll have the cold, hard numbers.

As I said, I know I tend to be in the minority with this, so I hope that other posters don't waste my time heaping invective on me - I've heard it all before.

Good luck, OP.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 12/07/2026 22:45

InOverMyHead84 · 11/07/2026 13:37

Frankly, tip toe-ing around it will not help her.

She is aware that she has put on weight, the crux is, does she want to change? If she doesn't, that's up to her. But, if she does, you can support and encourage.

No, it doesn't help, we know we're fat. We dint need our moms to tell us.

BluntButEmpathic · 12/07/2026 22:43

Can you afford to take her out shopping and buy her a couple of items or even outfits that fit her well? My weight has yoyo’d through my adult life and I’ve only learned recently not to throw away the clothes which are too large or too small because I’ll probably want them again at some point! I put them in a bag in the loft and get them out if and when I gain or lose weight. I know this doesn’t answer your question but would help you to not have to be in the position of needing to answer it again because her new clothes would look good on her if they fit properly! Maybe charity shop if you can’t afford new?

BeKhakiReader · 12/07/2026 22:38

Does she have any PDA associated with her ADHD? That’d change how you approach it.

Minasama · 12/07/2026 22:38

When I was 18 I had a gap year, went to Australia and put on about half a stone or a bit more - I looked chubby on my return though not obese.
My mum and dad were amazing - they said something like “oh darling, you’ve put on a little bit of weight haven’t you? Perhaps we ought to do something about that.”
Then my mum cooked healthy meals/salads, the whole family had boiled potatoes instead of chips and fruit/healthy desserts instead of fattening ones. I remember she got me a special smaller plate to eat off. She didn’t buy snacks or biscuits and everyone went without while I was trying to lose the weight.
They were so lovely about it - it was a combination of “this isn’t ok at all”
and “we will all do everything we can to support you to fix this.”

What I will say is that these days it is probably much harder because obesity is more normal - in the 90s no one wanted to be fat and there was no confusing counter-messaging or concept like “fat shaming”. I certainly would never have thought my parents were being anything other than supportive but young people today might think you are wrong to intervene like this.

Fmlgirl · 12/07/2026 22:37

MumOf4totstoteens · 12/07/2026 21:11

Food is an addiction. You’re her mum she needs love and support without judgment. You may have a part to play in why she comfort eats. I would tell her she is beautiful when she asks and focus on her health. Encourage a trip to GP/ any activities you can do together. I’m sure you like to keep fit too. Did you teach her how to shop for and cook healthy meals? If not maybe set a day aside to do this together?

This. For me it was a wider symptom of an unhappy home life at that age.

FirstdatesFred · 12/07/2026 22:34

Can you support her to get some bigger clothes that fit? You can often get the exact same items in vinted you have already but in a different size. Being in clothes that are too tight is uncomfortable and just makes you feel shitter about yourself.

TheMrsCampbellBlack · 12/07/2026 22:31

Hallywally · 11/07/2026 13:51

Why not offer to take her shopping to choose some nice new clothes or look up some plus size fashion influencers with her for ideas? Feeling shit about herself is only likely to make her comfort eat more and pile on even more weight. Have you suggesting a slimming club (online or in person) or weight loss jabs if she’s struggling to do it alone?

Agree. I'd take her shopping poor kid she's obviously quite unhappy right now.

Applesonthelawn · 12/07/2026 22:24

I'd never lie to my kids about this or anything else really. But you have to be positive, a tone of "yes this might be the beginnings of a problem but let's tackle it head on and address it". Help her identify exactly what it is about her eating that is causing the excess weight - volume, content, snacking, drinks, sweet tooth, too much carb/not enough protein, etc. Being honest helps her be honest with herself, and she'll never tackle the issue and change her eating habits unless she can do that.
But keep the tone positive and supportive.

PuzzledObserver · 12/07/2026 22:14

likelysuspect · 11/07/2026 14:44

Lots of people take medication for life, why would this be any different?

Many of the conditions for which people take medications for life (hypertension, type 2 diabetes, dyslipidemia) are ones in which diet and weight are a major contributor. If someone who is on medications for those goes on a GLP-1 they will usually be able to reduce or discontinue the original meds, AND they have much better quality of life to boot. But they are still on a medication.

Of course the GLP-1’s are an option for the OP’s daughter, but at such a young age, wouldn’t a non-medicated path be preferable?

I say that as someone who has been able to discontinue 2 medications for type 2 diabetes after nearly a quarter of a century because I was finally able to fix my eating habits.

Macinae · 12/07/2026 22:14

I put on 3 stone over a few years when I went on SSRI's. Don't get me wrong they were important for my mental health at the time but coming off them (when I felt ready to) opened my eyes to the weight gain and when my mental health was under control I stepped on the scales knowing I'd gained weight and saw pictures of myself and it was the motivation I needed to do something about it. I've lost all the weight I gained through diet and exercise and overhauled my lifestyle. My mum knew I'd put on weight but never mentioned it or made me feel any differently about myself, though I never directly asked her how I looked because I knew I looked big. I think when your daughter gets in control of her mental health she will be more likely to be able to address her weight if it's something she really wants. Sounds like she's currently using food as a form of comfort and the more down she feels the more she will eat. Right now your daughter can't even step on the scales so she's still in denial. I've been there, she's just not ready. Therefore for now if she mentions her weight I'd say if you're unhappy there are things you can do to address that and while I can support you I can't do it for you.

dancingdeidre · 12/07/2026 22:07

lifeinthemidlands · 11/07/2026 13:47

So how would you answer the question about how her outfit looked?

I'd say 'That looks a bit tight, you'd look nicer in something that's a better fit. You know you've put on some weight, darling, there's no point me telling you that you haven't! You are beautiful, but you need a bigger size at the moment.'

itsallrosy · 12/07/2026 22:04

All she needs from you is to tell her she’s beautiful. Regardless of your views on her weight, the only successful weight loss will come from a place of self love. If you shame her into hating her body and trying to lose weight for this reason, it’s not going to last longterm anyway, regardless of the fact you’d be negatively affecting her self worth in the process! Please for all things good, teach her how to love herself and don’t give her any reason to think she doesn’t look beautiful. Encourage her to follow body positive influencers, support her to buy some styles or clothes that suit her (this will come from following people that look like her - not you telling her she looks awful in her current outfit!) and just keep supporting self love and healthy choices. Overall just be aware how damaging negative comments can be and focus all of your energy on building her up.

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