To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

Hi OP, bless you, you're doing an amazing job supporting her.

I started a thread yesterday as i'm facing similar issues with my own DD (she's a bit younger at 16 but same issues with weight and clothes etc) so some really thoughtful and helpful replies on here.

@lifeinthemidlands have you asked your DD what she wants to do about her clothes not fitting and her weight?

She is an adult now and whilst you can suggest things, cook healthy meals etc, she is free to make her own choices.

Having struggled with my weight all my life and only been released by the viscous and endless cycle of loss and gain through the use of WLI in my mid-50s, I would say that whilst it is really disheartening to see fatness and overweightness judged unkindly by other people, if we don't like ourselves then that is a recipe for misery.

Trouble is unless we are capable of kindly parenting our own selves as adults and making choices that are about what is best for us, then we are unlikely to succeed. If you do the work here, then your DD still isn't learning how best to self-care and how to make her own decisions about what is best for her own body and health.

I don't think there is any easy solution but if your DD is open to your help and support then be there for her, otherwise I think you have to let her crack on and be the author of her own story.

Not sure if it is relevant, but I have ADHD and gained a lot of weight when I was depressed (in fact weight gain/depression has been a life long cycle).

I opted to use first Wegovy 3.5 years ago and then Mounjaro when it was available to lose the weight (6.5 stone). It really helped as my ADHD meant that the ‘food noise’, stimulus (dopamine) seeking and compulsivity was curbed. Even though I have been at goal weight for over 18m, I continue to take a low dose and shall do permanently - and am also on lisdexamphetamine (Elvanse, 70mg/daily having titrated up over the last 4months) so it is not contra-indicated. My mood, relationship with food etc, has completely changed. I wish I had found both medications earlier as both have completely changed my life - my mood, my relationship with food, my body and emotional regulation.

I know other ADHD/AuDHD people who have had a similar response, including my DS, who is now 18 and has been taking mounjaro for 2 years (under the care of an endcrinologist) and has also lost over 6 stone. He was/is the youngest patient to take it with Eli Lilly monitoring his case. His confidence has soared and he is really looking forward to going to university in September now.

It might be worth mentioning our cases to her.

mounjaro helps with A.d.h.d?, are you seriously recommending a person who has a weight problem and A.d.h.d start taking weight-loss meds to make it all better?!?.
Maybe starting this kid on proper A.d.h.d medication, with the help of a trained Dr to prescribe it and find the right brand and dosage will be getting to the core of the problem and then address the weight issue if it is right for that person.
I have A.d.h.d, and comorbid depression and anxiety disorder some people eat to feel a little bit better, by putting a band aid on the problem, e.g. putting her on mounjaro, may help her loose weight but is in no way a long term solution.
It sounds like she needs help, support and maybe a councilor or even a sympathetic mother who can help her with her issues, what she absolutely doesn't need is weight loss medication and shaming.

Who’s job is it to point out to her that if she continues being overweight then she’ll fade health issues further down the line then? Is that not what loving parents do? Are they supposed to brush it under the carpet and pretend she’s big boned?

At 19, you only need one remark to be brought low.

I'm a lot older than 19 but I would rather someone who cared for me told me that my outfit didn't suit me before I ventured out into the street.

You're living in a very soft and pretty land if you think that a fat young woman wearing clothes that are too small for her won't attract sneering, unkind remarks and looks.

I wouldn't want my daughter to be subjected to that, so I would tell her that she does not look good in that outfit and I hope someone would do the same for me if I was considering venturing out in something that made me a potential target for cruelty.

Mental and emotional wellbeing is helped by regular physical activity.
Obesity is helped by regular physical activity.
ADHD is helped by regular physical activity.

Nobody is suggesting she starts training for a marathon, but just walking to the shops or parking the car in the furthest space, using the stairs instead of the lift or escalator, going for a walk instead of sitting in front of a screen with a bag of insert high-fat, high-salt, UPF snack is beneficial to helping all of your DD's - and let's face it, many of society's - issues here. Gently pointing this out to her and perhaps supporting her to set and achieve a daily goal would work wonders.

Good luck OP.

Very wise post.

OP I have had similar challenges with my own daughter - happy to discuss over PM but can't be arsed with laying myself open to judgy prim posts about how girls should know they're fat and dress appropriately.

I feel that this is so mean. Your daughter is a person; she is struggling mentally, her self-esteem is probably at rock bottom, and you are focusing on her weight. The weight isn't the issue. Your job as a mother is to be a safe space and love her unconditionally, at any size. I am appalled at those suggesting you interfere with her business by buying weight loss drugs or suggesting diets etc. – things that are going to make her feel awful. Spend time with her, praising her good qualities and getting her to focus on them. See if you can find what's making her so unhappy, and be there if she wants to make changes.

After a lifetime of being 8 stone at 5'2, at 41 I shot up to almost 11 stone after a baby, 3plus years of breastfeeding, collapsed lung and various health issues/stress and misery in my life in general, which I think combined with perimenopause led to hormone changes affecting my metabolism. My family did the right thing and focused on supporting me, rather than pointing out that I was now fat. I already knew that and felt terrible about it. The misery and inertia, plus shame at weight gain, made stopping eating (which was the only source of pleasure and comfort during very high stress) impossible. Once I felt better in myself and could see the weight I'd accumulated as a result of circumstances rather than an issue with my morality/essential self, I easily lost it with diet and exercise over a few months. All this emotion around weight and esteem will be even more profound with a teenager. Be kind, it is better that she is happy than thin.

Love sometimes means telling hard truths for the sake of her health. This has nothing to do with how she looks - it's the fact that being fat will cause her problems further down the line.
If she was looking skinny I would say the same.

Following this thread as I have an adult son with similar issues and don't know how to handle it. He's a binge eater and comfort eats. He is massively overweight and I'm so worried about his health. Plus I know he'd feel so much better about himself if he lost the weight. It's a vicious circle. He lives at home and I eat healthily but he snacks between and goes out with his friends. I know he won't go to the GP or counselling but he really does need help. And I don't know what to say.

Something that would help both her mental health and her weight/health/fitness is a sport, like kickboxing or jiu jitsu. There is often a great team of girls in these gyms and a really positive, supportive atmosphere. It’s also a great confidence boost and teaches self defence too. If she’s up for trying something new, find a gym with good reviews from women. They often do trial classes. I can personally vouch for the benefits of martial arts on mind and body. Wishing her the best. X

I also agree ADHD plays into this, the lack of dopamine, the impulsivity, but that's also why she'll have to find her own way through this maze- whether it be through lots of activities/sports, wanting a certain look or by accepting her size. It's not your decision to make at 19.

My daughter was wearing a UK size 20 at 19. She is 6ft tall and hated every minute of it, all her friends were tiny and size 10/12’s. She battled for years lost a bit then put it back on and more. She’s now 28 and 4st lighter hits the gym 4x a week even in the heatwave, she’d like to lose maybe 1.5st more. You can offer to cook, you can offer to train with her but until it clicks in her own head how much she dislikes her image then nothing will change. Compliment her on her make up and hair. My DD never asked if she looked fat she would ask if she looked ok and I’d say yes fine. I know exactly how you feel OP it’s a very fine line with daughters. I wish you the best of luck.

Over the years, I've realised that a) telling people things they already know deep down and b) telling them things that they can realise and learn all by themselves is pointless.

Your daughter learned something, not through the interaction, but when she tried on clothes and was upset and they didn't fit. The best thing to do is be very neutral and let her come to her own motivation and conclusion about what to do next.

No-one suddenly gets thinner for someone saying 'you are a bit pudgy, don't you think you should eat less', They get thinner when their own internal motivation for change builds, and the environment supports that change- so by not buying unhealthy food, having positive enjoyable experiences with healtheir food or activities, and so on.

I also think young people do best when their Mum is firmly in their corner, whatever happens- so if she needs bigger clothes right now, I'd help her buy new stuff IF she asks you to help her. If she does not, don't say 'do you think you need bigger clothes' Feeling like your Mum basically disapproves of your body is very difficult- none of us can help having uncharitable thoughts about their behaviour, but you can offer to help in positive ways without criticising her or pointing out her weight gain.

Finally, a lot of young people have decided not to wait til their bodies are perfect, but to go out wearing what they like and what's in fashion. I would encourage that side of her life very strongly- any social connections, getting out and about, joining back in with life, and it does not matter if she goes out looking how you think she looks awful as it's better to be out and about for her MH.

I wouldn't lie, I'd say, I have to be honest, that's not the outfit I think looks the best, I like X outfit, but I'm not a young person, and laugh. Then stock up on great food, go for some walks with her to chat, and let her find her own way with her weight. You can't police or shame people into being thin from outside, it has to come from within.

Friend who is in her 30s thinks avocados are to be avoided because of their fat content. Nutrition isn’t taught in school in any practical way
It’s just taken as something we know. Like how to compare credit cards/loans /mortgages etc

Maybe we need lessons in how to live in schools

If you had read op's thread properly instead of projecting your own insecurities you would see that op is trying to be sensitive and only discusses her dd's weight if her dd broaches the subject.
Perhaps you should look at counselling for yourself as you seem to be very bitter about your weight struggles.

She sounds like she’s got raging food noise and the adhd will be making it worse.

no amount of cooking classes and gym membership or frank conversations will help

she needs to go on mounjaro - most likely long term. It will help with her adhd as well as weight.

otherwise she’s going to be obese her whole life

My grandchild has ADHD. Sweet foods were a magnet for them. Mum and dad eat healthily so have gone into the science of how the body works what food groups do what to you. It slowly sank in. With the help of more exercise the weight came off. There are still lapses when stressed but they get back track now.

It took a year but it worked.

I mean, people are entitled to wear skimpy clothes even if they aren't slim! It is 30 degrees out there!

I wouldnt personally but I'm happy to see that the younger generation have the confidence to wear these types of clothes even if they aren't fit/skinny. Within reason, I dont want to see arse cheeks, regardless of someone's size.

Have you thought about focusing on the important thing. Without agenda or preconceptions, if you are really worried about her. Tell her that if she wants to talk, you care and want to know how she is feeling, and if she wants your help ask her what she needs, and stick to that. Don't push your ideas on to her, let her guide the narrative. If she just wants to vent and needs you to listen, just offer that. Trust needs to be built.

Your response would have upset me.

A more appropriate response would have been: ‘You look gorgeous to me in anything, always. But is there any reason you’re asking me how this outfit looks?’ Then she can tell you if she has concerns. And if she’s actually asking for support with healthier eating or more exercise then great. If not, just make sure she feels loved.

I think you've skimmed over her having ADHD quite quickly. For some ADHD women it can be really hard to lose weight as you are constantly chasing that dopamine high. Is she medicated for her ADHD?

That being said, this thread isn't nice to read. The only time my mother has ever said she's proud of me is when I lost weight after having children (I was very ill with PPD and then gallstones so it was not intentional). Maybe we could all focus a little less on our daughter's weight being the be all and end all?

What I say to my children is fat is just something we all have, some have more, some have less. It's not who you ARE. You can have extra fat and be a good person at the same time. Maybe focus on boosting her self esteem, work with her ADHD. Exercise for me is the best thing as it gives you such a huge dopamine boost.

@lifeinthemidlands

http://getselfhelp.co.uk

I can recommend this website. It has some good resources on depression and low self esteem.

They may be worth a look at together, print a few pages off to give her, whatever you think would be more helpful.

If she can start breaking the late night sugar self destruct cycle, she’d feel much better. Such a hard one though!

Sadly only she can help herself. And sadly she kinda needs to hit rock bottom and truly want to lose weight before she will do it for herself. Dancing around the issue won’t be helping. My mum and Dad have always been very honest with me (but not in a cruel way) and I actually respect that. The way I see it is my parents are the only ones that will always be honest with me, now does my mum approach things much more diplomatically and kindly than my dad…absolutely 🤣. I’ve been both ends as in over weight (when I was 19 and going out drinking with friends that made my weight creep up, after having kids and I mean dragging out the whole ‘I’ve just had a baby’ it’s just baby weight, my child was turning 5 🤣) and also being severely underweight following leaving my cheating husband. And every time my mum and dad would speak to me honestly. Personally I would be sitting her down and being honest. “Look love, I need to be honest with you because I care and I love you. It’s affecting your health but also your mental health. You know you’ve put some weight on, and that itself isn’t a problem but it’s affecting you mentally I can see it. What can I do to help? Suggest a shopping trip for new clothes so she can start to feel better about herself as she will have clothes that fit, then she will find it easier to get of this merry go round that she’s currently on xx