To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

Sometimes the blunt hard truth is needed pussy footing around her isn't doing her any favours , I would take a picture and have her look at it and decide if she thinks she looks OK, she may think she looks good in a mirror but a picture will tell the truth .

I recommend this book all the time on here, but 'Let Them' by Mel Robbins has a great couple of chapters on how you can or can't change other people and her approach is very sensible. The example she uses is of having an overweight/obese husband.

I wouldn't worry too much about nasty comments when she is out, I've been called names in the street a couple of times when a size 8/10, men are mean to young women of all sizes, sadly.

I think using neutral comments like nodding when she asks you questions or making listening noises is often enough- if she asks you directly, just say, 'it sounds to me like you don't like how that looks on you' which is just reflecting back to her what she said. With my daughter in the end I just said stop asking me about your body and outfits because it's your insecurity and whatever I say it's not right, so I won't be making any comments on your body at all from now on, she had a more severe problem but I don't regret opting out of all this 'reassurance' that isn't reassuring.

Get the book and try the tactics in there, one of which is to model behaviour, not tell people what to do, as well as some great stuff on how to do motivational interviewing type work, and also just take your foot off the pedal if none of that works.

Doing more fun mum/daughter stuff, getting out and about, going for coffee, walks, taking time with her, being empathic but not overly involved in fixing things yourself, will also help her find her way through her current stage.

if shes not ready to make the changes to lose weight maybe a shopping trip to get things that will flatter her shape and make her feel good about herself, shes probably not accepted in her head the weight shes put on and her clothes aren't working for her now. just tell her you are treating her to a shopping trip and dont mention her weight, do you know anyone that has a good eye for fashion and finding clothes that would suit her to guide her to the right shops and style for her. getting clothes that fit nicely will make a huge difference to her confidence and then may be more accepting of her new shape or she comfy in this moment intill she if she wants to change or stay as she is

Jeez....Katey clearly hasn't read your original post!

Junk food and takeaways have so much to answer for. When I was a teenager (a long time ago) being very overweight was unusual. We didn't have gyms and my friendship group certainly wasn't sporty. I went swimming now and then, of course we had to walk everywhere most of the time or get public transport. If your daughter is hooked on sweet treats at night (I know the feeling) try and introduce her to some healthier versions. For example, frozen cherries with a sorbet ice cream. Encourage her to ditch the junk because after a couple of days she won't miss it. She doesn't have to starve or feel deprived.

I think I'd go straight in with asking her about her response to you. Ask her if she's unhappy with her weight. Ask her what she needs from you. Remind her that weight or fatness is not the only thing that defines her. If she's happy in herself she might not care if she's fat.

Great, I just wanted to check. My 19 year old's more into flowy and over sized stuff so not been in that position from a parent side of thing (and with my boys it's usually me trying to get them out of sports gear into something nicer).

Sadly, you can't protect her from drunk comments in the street. (I still remember all of them about me e.g. "she'd be hot if she lost a few stone") when I was a size 14 at most.

Are her mates all in skimpy gear too? It's tough maybe if she wants to wear what everyone else is wearing. (I remember the misery of being 17 and too booby for the skimpy backless tops that my tinier mates threw on because I needed a chunky bra).

If she's not got any nice gear that fits the current body that she has right now, she will feel worse about herself. All bodies deserve nice clothes.

A BMI of 30 isn't wild. The BMI chart is awful. But also for me, I'd be 11 and a half stone and looking at photos of when I was that weight I was in size 12-14 clothes and looking healthy and well. I've got short legs, the healthy range for me has a top weight that I've not seen since I was surviving on cucumber and cereal bars with a very unhealthy food and exercise relationship. My husband and sons are all in the obese category for BMI but they're also all very fit and muscly and strong, playing a range of sports regularly and using the gym daily. I know that's not the case with your daughter, I'm just illustrating how flawed the BMI chart is.

I think helping her be more active will be a positive focus for you and her with regards to her mood and fitness. Can you sign up for a fun run together and do the couch to 5k app? Although my kids would absolutely not want to do that with me, don't know why I suggested it! What kind of sports do her mates do? When I was her age it was charity runs that gave me the motivation to get exercising without a focus on my weight and body shape. And then badminton with mates, swimming or aqua aerobics with other friends, joining netball with other friends, going to a streetdance class with my sister - it's usually been the social side that's kept me with a sport or class for longer and it's given me a positive buzz of an evening or weekend to spend that bit of time with people I like.

Never frame a conversation about weight loss around aesthetics. Focus only on health if you're going to discuss weight loss. Quite honestly doing it for your health is the best reason to lose weight.
If her clothes don't fit tell her she's gorgeous regardless ( dragging someone's confidence is unlikely to help and imo a woman can be overweight and pretty but overweight makes it harder to be healthy ) but sounds like she needs to take action to fit into her existing wardrobe or buy herself new clothes so she feels comfortable. I personally find that I always feel more inclined to get out and be active if I have clothes that fit me anyway!
Losing weight requires not just acknowledging that you need to but making long term sustainable changes in regards to diet and exercise. Habit change is a complex beast. Telling someone they're overweight will not help them lose it, chances are they already know it and feel uncomfortable.

Did you not know that it is not acceptable on Mumsnet to comment or discuss somebody's weight?

God, i wish it was that simple

My mum had this issue with my younger brother. He was a footballer in his childhood so constantly active. Then he met his now wife as a teen who was a ballet dancer so also incredibly active and both were slim. They then quit around the same time to focus on studying and simultaneously developed a junk food habit. They’d stay with my mum a lot and she’d cook a healthy meal which they’d happily eat but then later would also order a take out most nights too. They loved eating junk in front of the tv together.

Now they’re late 20s and still both morbidly obese. She’s very short and I’d say is a size 20+, because of her height it’s particularly accentuated. He is very tall and I’d say 20+ stone. He’s so big he can’t fit on rollercoaster rides as the harnesses wont go around him. Nothing is working as a wake up call for them, even the fact she works as a biomedical scientist so literally examines disease.

I don’t know what the solution is. Food is an addiction and you can’t help an addict who doesn’t want to be helped.

As a woman married to an obese man who is now type 2 diabetic, has to have injections right into his eyeballs that I have to attend as he cannot drive afterwards, multiple cases of very very slow healing foot ulcers, more hospital visits than you can even imagine and very high travel insurance for holidays. I would say be honest. Its no life for her and whoever will be supporting thst. I pussyfooted around so as not to hurt feelings but gently get my point across now his on multiple pills and an injection and at risk of not being able to drive if his eyes deteriorate.

She needs tough love. Just say listen love you know you’ve put a bit of weight on, it’s not the end of the world but if you are unhappy then you need lose
some weight

Great, I just wanted to check. My 19 year old's more into flowy and over sized stuff so not been in that position from a parent side of thing (and with my boys it's usually me trying to get them out of sports gear into something nicer).

Sadly, you can't protect her from drunk comments in the street. (I still remember all of them about me e.g. "she'd be hot if she lost a few stone") when I was a size 14 at most.

Are her mates all in skimpy gear too? It's tough maybe if she wants to wear what everyone else is wearing. (I remember the misery of being 17 and too booby for the skimpy backless tops that my tinier mates threw on because I needed a chunky bra).

If she's not got any nice gear that fits the current body that she has right now, she will feel worse about herself. All bodies deserve nice clothes.

A BMI of 30 isn't wild. The BMI chart is awful. But also for me, I'd be 11 and a half stone and looking at photos of when I was that weight I was in size 12-14 clothes and looking healthy and well. I've got short legs, the healthy range for me has a top weight that I've not seen since I was surviving on cucumber and cereal bars with a very unhealthy food and exercise relationship. My husband and sons are all in the obese category for BMI but they're also all very fit and muscly and strong, playing a range of sports regularly and using the gym daily. I know that's not the case with your daughter, I'm just illustrating how flawed the BMI chart is.

I think helping her be more active will be a positive focus for you and her with regards to her mood and fitness. Can you sign up for a fun run together and do the couch to 5k app? Although my kids would absolutely not want to do that with me, don't know why I suggested it! What kind of sports do her mates do? When I was her age it was charity runs that gave me the motivation to get exercising without a focus on my weight and body shape. And then badminton with mates, swimming or aqua aerobics with other friends, joining netball with other friends, going to a streetdance class with my sister - it's usually been the social side that's kept me with a sport or class for longer and it's given me a positive buzz of an evening or weekend to spend that bit of time with people I like.

This is exactly what I wanted to say! Improve her self esteem and encourage healthy eating habits too.

I think you handled it fine. You’re not going to lie but were tactful. If she doesn’t want to know the truth then she shouldn’t ask and that’s a life skill / lesson. I feel sorry for her, I was morbidly obese in my 20’s but I knew not to complain to anyone about it or to ask how I looked because h linearly no one wants to hear it and I was fat. She should be able to get some weight off by making very small changes at that age. Suggest some walks together? My mum used to do that with me bless her.

This is the best answer ❤️

As someone who grew up with very disordered eating (too thin) and a parent who constantly told me my outfits were unflattering etc I’d honestly try and see if you can get her onboard with therapy. I’m now a therapist myself but haven’t specialised in eating disorders or weight management so there maybe other answers that are better. But - Please only use therapists that are either: registered psychologists with the HCPC, or registered psychotherapist with the BABCP or BACP. You can find people advertising services on psychology today.

is there anyway someone could get involved in walking more / cycling / weights / gym classes and the focus being on getting endorphins and moving our bodies and mental wellbeing and NOT initially on the weight. Loosing fat can be hard especially at her age with hormones being everywhere and she’s still really young so although yes she is overweight focusing on this now could cause further problems with her relationship with food.

you could also see if she wanted to get help from a nutritionist / dietician to help her understand food and how it impacts our mood. if she wants to, you could look at her getting involved with a personal trainer but I’d definitely do research about how they manage food and calories because some trainers will put people on an extremely dangerous calorie deficit, so a body positive trainer or women’s health focused trainer might be better.

good luck. Also to rectify this just be honest with her that you don’t want to hurt her feelings and you love her no matter what, and ask what does she want to do about everything. She’s obviously trying hard to keep her confidence up with her outfits but maybe for now she could get a few new ones that do fit her better until she’s ready to move towards changing things x

Damn, this thread was like catnip to the Mumsnet Orthorexia Massive wasn't it? It truly has it all.

What do you mean by overweight and possibly obese? Is she able to buy her clothes in high street shops?

"Flattering" invariably means clothes that make people look slimmer because the beauty standards so saying she should wear more flattering clothes will just read "clothes to hide your body shape because you're fat and gross and no one wants to see you".

If she's asking "do I look fat in this?" it's OK to say "it doesn't look like you're very comfortable in it.

If her clothes no longer fit because she's put on weight, it's also OK to confirm that she has gone up a clothes size so let's get some clothes that fit you better.

I've been a size 10, 12, 14, 16, 18. I've had clothes in sizes 8 and 20 because some shops are mad like that. I was a size 14 for some of my teens and early 20s and felt like an absolute whale and that I was disgusting. I've been an 18 in my 40s and looking great and healthy and fit on it (running regularly, weight training, eating a balanced diet, I'm just short and peri-menopause).

To you, does fat = ugly and thin = beautiful?

A lot of "I'm worried about your health" tied up with size and weight is often about "I'm worried that you look unacceptable in a society that values and celebrates skinniness". I've been healthier at a size 16 than a size 10. I've also been healthier at a size 10 than a size 14.

A big mindset shift came for me about 7 years ago when I stopped any engagement with the diet industry. It made me feel shit about myself. I focused instead on moving in ways that make me feel good, and eating well not less.

If you think your daughter looks awful in a certain outfit it's OK to say "hmm, I think I prefer that new green dress you had on the other day" or "maybe the t-shirt would work better with your dungarees?" or "you looked amazing in that top and shorts last week, maybe try that top with this skirt?".

You mention that she's "quite unhappy generally". Is she in work or education? I have a child the same age and it's a tricky time for comparing what peers are up to and the pressures of what success looks like and what kind of life journey they're on.

Depression will pull focus from everything, her lack of motivation to be active is a symptom of that. And your observation that her eating habits are linked with low mood is completely recognisable to me. When I eat shit because I'm stressed and sad, it makes me feel worse. When I get myself out for walks and jogs and dance classes I feel better. When I'm eating fewer snacky biscuits and crisps and drinking less alcohol I sleep better so I feel more awake and energised in the morning. Learning all of that and listening to my own body has worked best when I completely removed any thinking about clothes size and weight from the equation.

Weight Watchers and Slimming World completely fucked up my relationship with food and exercise. Finding ways of moving and enjoying good food saved me mentally.

I also have friends and relatives who have been in a similar situation to your daughter and their way forward came about after receiving PCOS diagnoses. Understanding hormones made all the difference to them.

Bizarrely I discussed this with my mum yesterday. Me saying how nice to see body confidence in this generation, her saying they could wear more flattering stuff (or: cover up) entirely missing my point.
OP - I say this as a formerly overweight teen who developed a 10year eating disorder. My mum (who I adore) believes in cruel to be kind. I knew I was overweight. But I just wanted to be told I looked nice, without conditions or caveats. Just wanted my mum to tell me I was beautiful and leave it there. It never happened. My dad also would criticise me for eating junk, warn me I would be fat etc, so I started binge eating in secret.
My confidence was on the floor, and all of the 'well-intended honesty' just cemented in my head that I was a cave-troll, so I kept comfort eating.
19 was such a hard age for me as well, because I had lost access to team sports at school. It's shocking how little provision there is for young women.
I didn't treat my body with respect until I learned to love it, and that came with time, experience and confidence. No amount of healthy meals at home could fix such a deep self-loathing. My parents tried their best but got it wrong, I now try to model to my nieces what I hope they need to hear. I won't always get it right either, but I think if we focus on autonomy of choices and building confidence, we'll get more right than wrong.

Edited for shocking spelling mistakes 🤦

Tell DD that she's just growing older and more gorgeous and womanly.
If ever she wants an opinion repeat that she looks gorgeous and that the colour suits her.

Take her photo with her phone and leave. She will see her vision, each time.

Stock the fridge with healthy salad and low fat protein, eggs. Don't buy chocolate bars or bake cakes for her to access. Make it easy for her to choose healthy.

Take DD shopping to plus sized shops if she likes being large. Suggest she could ask for work there as the clothes fit like a glove.

Unless her daughter has serious learning difficulties, she will already know that being overweight is the less healthy option in the long term. Saying this makes the home a place where she feels judged instead of accepted. What is the point in telling her what she already knows? Its not going to help her mentally or with her weight.