To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

I would say something like "how about that blue cropped top, might go better?" Or "not sure about that skirt, I think your beige one looks better" etc

I would also go with her to buy a few pieces that fit properly and she feels confident in.

The more unhappy she feels about her appearance it's possible the more she will eat.

You know yourself how it feels to wear something you're not comfortable or happy in.

Encourage her to keep her favourite old clothes as incentive. Say something like "you'll want to hold on to that, it's your colour/style/compliments your skin" etc

I feel like you are asking because you dont feel happy in it ...

Does that sound fair / in the ball park?

Dd nods...

Do you want to talk about it? I am your mum. My job is to support you and help you. If you arent happy I want to help you.

DD: I have gained loads of weight can you tell?

it sounds like You think you can tell. If you arent happy we can talk about it together and make a plan to sensibly address it

I’d have been honest if asked, but would come at it more from a health perspective rather than looks. Sounds like she does need to make some changes, but it does have to come from her. I’d rather she did it naturally, but that’s because pancreatitis ruined my life and I know it’s one of the side effects of WLI, and no-one would want that if they knew all the issues, pain and life limitations it can cause. My DD is 18 and I wouldn’t want her to go on WLI as life style change or simply cutting down would help hugely. If she doesn’t want to, then I guess she will continue to feel miserable about her looks.

I don't think you need to speak about her weight at all! She knows she's put on weight. Having it commented on isn't going to make one iota of difference, only convey that her value as a person is tied to her weight.

You can say an outfit isn't flattering without commenting on weight. You can commiserate on not being happy with clothes without commenting on weight.

I’m following as I’m in the same boat with my son 🙁 and I’m so worried about him and his health, I was going to start a thread myself. Exactly the same as you @lifeinthemidlands - I cook decent healthy meals at home but he’s out working and volunteering 5 days a week and I have no control over what he eats then. He refuses to take packed lunches, but instead buys breakfast and lunch out, as well as sugar laden iced coffees. I’m at my wits end with him and just don’t know what to do 😞

Lots of people take medication for life, why would this be any different?

Do you have scales at home so (only if she wants to) she can keep a track of her weight? If she truly didn't think she had put on much weight it could help her keep an eye on her progress as the fit of her clothes no longer helps.

I probably wouldn't mention buying it, just put it in the bathroom.

At nineteen? OP isn’t even sure if she’s in the obese range.
She can’t keep taking WLIs for life at nineteen. What if she just regains when she stops?

I’m a 16-18, my mum will always frame it to me as “you know you’re gorgeous but it’s not very flattering in XYZ area”.

Is paying for weight loss injections for her an idea she’d be open to?

Yes exactly, frank talking, its a health issue. When people tip toe and 'I said gently', its really patronising. Its like when someone starts a post with 'gently OP'... blah blah blah

Makes me cringe

The bottom line, buy clothes that look good, sort your health out by looking at what you want to improve and thinking about how to achieve that, then do those things that you need to, to get to the goals.

You probably need to be blunt and tell her that obesity and tight skimpy clothing is not a good look

I doubt it very few much older adults seem to understand good nutrition so I wouldn’t expect a 19 year old to. My mother in her 70s has dieted her whole life and still believes and says silly things like you shouldn’t eat avocados as they’re high in fat!

Other people are not going to automatically think she looks bad or judge her on her appearance. Lots of people don’t. You think she looks bad, not everyone will though.

When your DD said that she didn't realise she had gained that much weight, in your shoes I would have said something along the lines of, 'well if you want to lose it, you know what you need to do, don't you? Depending on her response, I would then have perhaps gone on to say, 'I can help at home by making sure we only have healthy meals, and cutting down on the treats that we keep in the cupboard, but if you eat stuff you know you shouldn't when you're out with friends, then only you can do something about that'.

So maybe when she's stopped sulking, or however she's behaving because she's upset with you, you could have a chat with her, and say something along the lines of 'Tania, do you want to do something about your weight, as you seemed quite upset about it earlier?' Assuming she says yes, then go on to say something along the lines of what I suggested above. Don't be critical of her, she knows she's got a problem but get her talking if you can, and then encourage but don't nag.

Also, does she get much exercise OP? If not, do you know why? As you could also attack the problem by pointing out that if she were to do more exercise, it would not only help her lose weight, but would also make her more healthy. I've always had weight problems, but at one point in my life I found a video exercise program which I found easy to do, a lot of them I found were too fast, so by the time I'd got my head around the movements, they'd moved on. Anyway, this video took me only 20 minutes to do each morning, and not only did it help me lose weight, but it made me feel better within myself, which then lead to me quite often wanting to do it a second time, either later in the day, or straight after the first session. All the time that I was doing that, I could literally eat whatever I wanted, and didn't gain a pound.

So at the end of the day, you can encourage her to eat more healthily - although you cannot monitor what goes on when she's with her mates, and you can talk about and encourage her to find a form of exercise that she enjoys, but you CANNOT do it for her. Maybe you could suggest putting on some music and having a dance each day, or something like that, as a lot of youngster enjoy a good bop, and it's easy to fit in at any point, day or night.

I think your response in the moment was fine - diplomatic but true. She’s not upset with you really is she, she’s upset in herself. And the trouble is, it’s a viscous cycle. She’s comfort eating, she’ll feel worse and comfort eat more. I’ve been there myself.

Cooking healthy meals for her is good but it won’t help. You need to help her with the core problem, not the symptoms. The things she’s upset about - can they be helped, can anything be resolved, or is it things she needs to work around?

do you think that the problem is not the problem? You say she is not happy generally so maybe the weight is the symptom not the cause.....you can tackle the symptoms all you like but it won't address the root cause of the unhappiness. Do you know why she is unhappy and what could be done about that?

I’d really avoid using the term ‘flattering’ - when people say this, 99% of the time they mean the clothes are making you look thinner than you are. Even if that’s not what you meant by it, that’s such a common use of the word it’s how she will interpret it. It’s yet another reminder that skinnier is best and we should do everything possible to make ourselves look skinny. Instead a good response here would have been to ask her if she liked what she was wearing and felt comfortable in it, if she said yes then remind her that’s all that matters. If she had said no then you could have asked why, let her talk, and don’t offer your opinion on the matter other than to say you’re sorry she’s feeling X but it doesn’t change that you love her and think she’s wonderful. As others have said you don’t need to tell her she’s overweight, unhealthy, unfit or gaining weight. It’s her body, if you know that then she definitely knows that. Nothing will change unless she wants to change. All you can do is remind her that her size doesn’t define her, you love her, and you’ll do whatever you can to support her in the way she wants and needs you to.

I had to check the date on this one.

Haven't you posted exactly the same thread before OP, or very similar?

I think your response was probably fair. I mean what else could you say? You could focus on colour or something rather than the outfit? Eg I prefer green on you to pink. Or just say "oh dont ask me I know nothing about fashion"

We all expect our mums to love us no matter what. And she clearly knows that she's put on weight because her clothes dont fit.
So I think now all you can do is support her. Maybe say something like "I am sorry I said what I said earlier. I love you and I think you are gorgeous. I hope you know that. "

If she brings up the weight again, maybe just ask her what she thinks. So if she asks have I put on weight. Say "I can't tell. What do you think?"

I'd tell her that you can see she's unhappy. I'd give her options too, "do we want to start an exercise class together or are we going clothes shopping?" With the most loving grin you can muster.

I think at 19 it will probably be very important to her to wear what others in her group are wearing and if this is tiny clothes, she's not going to feel comfortable in 'flattering' (concealing) things either. I'd settle for encouraging her to wear things that fit her in her preferred style.
She may get comments. That's the way of the world if you're a woman, isn't it? There's always something 'wrong' with us in the eyes of the misogynists and the spiteful.
On the other hand, larger young women in revealing clothes are a very common sight these days, so she equally she may not attract anywhere near the negativity we would have in the 90s for example.

Whatever you do, do not lie to her. Don’t feel cornered into colluding with her problem. Because that is in effect colluding against her.

i Would say that Im On a healthy eating approach, it’s my choice, I favour health, and inflammatory foods are something I don’t like or agree with as a habit, and.. basically provide a counterpoint.

remember that running and exercise are prescribed for depression, and tell her thst wellness makes you well, and wellness is attractive.