To be gently honest with DD 19 about her weight

No, I’m sorry, but this is rubbish.

I was a size 16/18 when I left to uni at age 18. My parents had always said this type of thing to me “you’re beautiful, we love you, you’re amazing”. I came back from uni a size 26 and 23 stone.

I put on another 3 stone in the pandemic and afterwards, and hit 26 stone two years ago.

If they’d told me some home truths at age 18, maybe that wouldn’t have happened. If I’d had weight loss injections back then, maybe I wouldn’t need to be looking at a total 16 stone loss to be at a healthy weight.

Because obesity in most cases can be reversed by exercise and sensible eating

Absolutely this! She already hates how she looks weight loss can creep up on you.

Not a twee answer at all! It’s all about mindset and anything you can do to boost her confidence will help her to take action!

Just say that we all go through periods in life when we don’t like how we look but she has beautiful skin, hair etc. And offer to cook healthy meals and go for walks, bike rides or swimming with her if she thinks that would help?

I’d be worrying more about what’s suddenly made her so unhappy, do you know what it is? I’d be worrying in case it was some kind of sexual assault or bullying or other traumatic thing that had triggered this.

In terms of food I’d be stocking up on healthier snacks if that’s what she wants to do - snack. So pitta chips and hummus/garlic yoghurt dip, strawberries, even something like scones and jam would be better than sweets as they fill you up.

Me too. Tiny cycling shorts and crop tops seem to be the fashion, regardless of body shape. I don't think people should feel shamed in to covering up though and that only slim or good looking people should be able to wear revealing clothes. I presume people are aware of what they look like

This. She needs to be told the truth and then she needs to face up to it and address it.

I’ve noticed that too.

How tall is she? Do you know what dress size she is?

How twee and utterly unhelpful.

I think it would. At worst she doesn’t like it and it’s a month or two of her life, and you can look at other solutions. But she sounds like the perfect candidate

I would not lie / if the outfit looks crap I would say “I wouldn’t wear that” or “it’s not my thing” or the like. Keep trust

she needs help to find new comfort it seems

can you recognise patterns - things or times when she might be over eating can you suggest something?

can you help me with this?

Can we go for a walk I’m feeling stressed and it helps me calm especially if I’m with you?

@lifeinthemidlands quite possibly. As I’ve got older I have drifted into the emotional eating for various reasons so she has my sympathy.

Does she have depression? That’s when I eat like that. Not suggesting she needs to go on ADs (although when I am on Prozac my weight absolutely falls off) but would counselling or talking therapy help to get to the root of it and identify triggers that she can try to avoid or work around?

I’d say, “I think you have clothes which suit you more.” If pressed, “The crop isn’t the best cut.” If pressed again, “Your best feature is your (shoulders / long legs etc). A (peplum top / wide leg trouser etc) would highlight that. The cropped cut is most flattering if the abs are the part of your body that’s the most defined part so I don’t think it’s working well.”

There’s often no truly pain-free way to tell someone they don’t look good in something, especially when it’s related to it being too tight as they are overweight, but mentioning her good parts is probably the way I’d try to deliver the news.

say nothing. Support the family with healthy meals, buying healthy foods etc. she is an adult. She knows. She doesn’t need to be told gently or otherwise. It needs to be her decision to lose weight if that is what she chooses. Obesity is a chronic disease.

comments well meaning or otherwise will hit her self esteem, especially coming from her mother. Could make her feel shame and feel worse about herself.

I’d tell her as long as she’s comfy in the outfit, she looks fab. Kira Hollie on Instagram is an excellent account to look at for instilling confidence in women when it comes to outfits. I’m not plus size myself but after children I’ve definitely got areas I’m not as secure about. Anyone can wear what they like. Fuck what other people think or say.

If she’s down about her weight, looking for support to lose weight, actively talking about it, then this is different.

It’s really a nice way to hear it!

I suspect I have ADHD or something similar. 2 years ago I went on mounjaro and I’ve now lost 10 and a half stone.

I now use the gym, and running, to comfort myself. I use self care as a nice tool. Before when I would’ve binged, I now have a nice long hot shower and look after myself. You find other things that work. I am happier than I ever was, I hit 26 stone at the age of 25. Help her before it’s too late

What if she doesn’t? What if this is the kick she needs to have a better and healthier life? What if it’s what changes her life?

Take her to primark buy three outfits which fit her size now.
Tellher she can later sell on vinted if size changes down again
Small changes will help eg step counting. Cutting cheese or sweets.
She can consult gp too get a health check with nurse blood pressure etc

There have been a few similar threads, inviting comment about overweight people wrapped up as 'concern'.

It’s a long time ago now but I came back from my first term at a residential catering college nearly 2 stones overweight - this is after teenage years as a very good competitive swimmer.

The minute I walked in the door my mum made it clear that she’d clocked it, and that it was not acceptable. She said I had two choices - keep going down the overweight road and just get bigger, or lose it - she would only help with the latter. Sounds harsh, and there were tears, but it worked. She only did it from a health perspective - we were an active family and she didn’t want me to miss out on that. She walked with me every day I was home, suggested healthy alternatives to the rich, luxurious stuff I was learning (and eating!) at college, and I lost it.