Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

This first post ^^ basically says it.

As pp have pointed out there is a difference between a friendly hello and a bitchy gossip. If you don't engage at all with the other parents then they will think you don't want to associate with them. In infant school parents tend to be in charge of party lists and will invite the children whose parents they are friendly with. By the time the children have made their own friends and get a say in who they want to invite you may find that your child will get more invitations.

Has your daughter never had anyone from school round to play? Has she been invited to tea at other children's houses? Often when I picked DD up we would have an other child come home with us last minute or DD would be invited to anther child's house. These playdates (I dislike that term) were often spontaneous.

My sister worked full time and never got to know any of the parents. Her childminder/nanny dropped the children off and picked them up. I worked part time and always managed a friendly hello with other parents. My sister's children went to very few parties. DD went to loads, especially in reception and year 1. They tailed off after that when they became a handful of friends rather than class parties.

Basically, if you have children you need to be prepared to get out of your comfort zone when it comes to sorting out a social life for your children. It isn't fair on them if you don't.

The exclusion of a child from a party invitation has been ignored by many replying to this thread. The primary responses have been to the word 'gossiping' and many of them have been rather horrible towards @Ladyoftheapple . No surprise given the pile on that she has not been back to the thread.
What message are the parents sending to their children if they are clearly discussing her daughter's parents negatively. Two children, her daughter has asked why she has not been invited have replied in a similar way. Shame on those parents.

I think that’s really sad that the kids parents are choosing who comes to the parties. When my DS and DD has birthday parties I always let them choose who came, even if I didn’t like the parents.

Only read the OP.

I wasn't even there at many drop off/collects - my kids got invited to many parties. I am sure there are many, many gatherings they didn't go along to because I simply wasn't there or known, but that's the way of the world.

Typical school gate cliques spring to mind & if your face fits. Sadly it's usually always parents who initiate early years friendships between young children simply because they as parents get along well. To leave your child out for the reasons you mention OP only serves to prove my point.

If your child genuinely gets along with particular children, the next one to have a party & your child isn't invited I would confront the parent & ask them why.

Why is it that when a group of mothers are chatting, it is described as “gossiping?” It's sexist and gross. I often have a quick chat with other parents while waiting to pick up DC. We chat about work, the school, how our kids are. We are not “gossiping” we are talking.

More generally though, if your daughter is 8 then there have already been at least 3 years of parties. If you have invited these children and she hasn’t been invited back, then that’s rude. If you haven’t been holding parties and you never speak to the parents, and the parents are deciding the invitation list (which I doubt tbh) then yes, it’s on you. I don’t think anyone actively likes small talk, but what level of depth do you expect conversations of 5 mins between people whose main thing in common is that their kids go to the same school to take? A discussion on moral philosophy? It takes so little effort to be friendly.

Why is it nasty? She didn't seem interested in being friends. My DS wasn't particularly friendly with her child anyway. Why would I keep trying to include a mum who didn't seem interested and a child who wasn't a great friend of my DS?

My SIL and DB (well SIL) are both very busy and do drop offs and pick ups. But both try to speak to other parents and hence their son has lots of play dates and party invites.

My NDN and friend who’s not a social school gate mum at all recently went to a mum’s catch up in a pub (rare for her and as she has an 8 month baby too). She told me it was purely for her 7 year old daughter’s sake to make friends with mums of other kids in her class.

I think it is a put down used by people who lack social skills to make themselves feel better.

This. What’s so difficult about mingling and sharing a laugh between other parents?

I invite the children who my child wants to invite. Their parents’ behaviour doesn’t come into it.

However, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to smile/say hi to people at the school gate. It’s nice to connect with people in your community, surely?

It was this line that stood out from your post.

Simply put, parents invite the children of the people that they know.

If you aren't doing whole class parties then it is a lot easier organising birthdays with a few parents that you know. Do any of them have your number? Have you ever invited them to yours or introduced yourself to the parents? How close is your daughter to these friends? Are they just the ones she plays tag with at break time or are they children who always choose to spend time with each other? All of those things will contribute to being invited/not being invited.

I wanted to say this. Ir diminishes women's intellect. Am not good at small talk but when I have its not gossip. Its social talk and can be useful in dealing with situations your kids will encounter.
@Ladyoftheapple perhaps you need to stop dismissing other parents as simply gossips?

so after a couple of years I gave up inviting her child to things.

That's just nasty-particularly if your child liked the other child.

But even at 8, the best way to get a child friendship to grow is to get to know the parent of the other child

I find that bizarre. The best way to get a child friendship to grow is to encourage and develop a likeable, friendly child.

There was a mum like this at my DS's primary school. She never chatted at the school gates, didn't reciprocate playdates, never came to school fêtes, etc. It just seemed like she didn't really want to be involved in school community so after a couple of years I gave up inviting her child to things.

If you do want to be involved socially, a bit of effort with the other parents goes a long way.

Despite quoting my post you don’t appear to have read it. We are saying the same thing.

I don't get this. By 8, my kids were choosing who they wanted at parties. They weren't even friends with my friends' kids. Why would you not let them invite their own friends?

Different at 4/5 when you might have the parents stay at the party.

Yes. It was a private school in Edinburgh. I assume we must have been asked for consent when he was enrolled and we were asked to update details annually. It was very useful to have.

I'm always amazed that parents talk so much to their young children about other parents.
It's true that it might be easier in ways for parents to invite people they know - but to actually discuss that with their kids!
I would also be inclined to suggest that your DD doesn't ask about stuff like this in the future as you never hear anything good.

All that said, by 8, kids should be inviting who they want to their parties. And I kind of suspect that if someone asked my 8 year old why they weren't invited, he might have said "my mummy wouldn't let me" rather than disappoint a classmate.

As for ‘gossiping’ - I used to love standing at the gates catching up w the parents at pick up (I used to drive to pick up as kids were tired at end of day and parking was crap so most people arrived early kids often asked for an impromptu play date too), or at drop off I’d see parents w their kids en route and we’d chat - made the mile walk much more fun!

I agree but a lot of people have a weird neurosis about other parents and see them either as potential BFFs or deadly enemies. See the endless “school gate mum” threads.

I have always found it utterly bizarre the way it brings out this sense of social fear and alienation but it does.

I agree. I hope we can all talk to people without ‘gossiping’.

I would say that by 8, it wouldn’t be that important that you know the parents but if she has been in the same school since reception, that may be when the damage happened. Simply put, parents invite the children of the people that they know.

But even at 8, the best way to get a child friendship to grow is to get to know the parent of the other child as if you get along, she may get to know your child better, and invite
them more often.

Wow.
Im suprised the school were allowed to do that.
Are you in the UK?