Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

I don't know how someone gets their child to the age of 8 without speaking to another parent.....

School drop off, school assemblies, speech day, nativity play, sports day, meet the teacher, mothers/fathers day. That's outside of birthday parties, playdates....I mean come'on?

Yes it's on you, if you've created such an impression that's left other parents feeling cold - which isn't surprising if you hold the view that any person (doing a very human thing) 'talking' in the vicinity of a school - must infact be 'gossiping'.

You're not the only person in the world with a job and a kid.

Get over yourself.

If she's got close friends, it's worth making the effort to know the parents at primary, as much as anything you want to know what they are like, what their homes and parenting is like because if you drop your daughter and run at any playdates etc, you want to know she's safe. You can't be friends with every single parent on the off chance they will not invite your dd to a party though... I think some parents at that age will pick kids and families they know well, but that's their choice and you can't be invited to everything unfortunately.

This does seem unfair, what about parents who can't drop off and use childcare?
DD is going to be 7 at the start of September, so I've asked her who she wants to go and got the parents numbers so we can arrange over the holidays. I only drop off once a week, so don't know many parents well, but I do smile and say morning to most of them as I rush off to work. OP, do you manage to do that?

I was a similar mum to my 19yr old. She did go to some parties, not all, and more so, her parties were generally small key, due to the fact there would be a low turnout. It was most definitely because I don’t speak to other mums, lots of reasons why, but none Ulster have excluded my daughter, but did nonetheless.

No easy answer, you can’t fake friendships and interest if they are not on your agenda!

Networkings is a key soft skill. I think parents should be setting an example to their kids. If you don't talk to anyone it is hardly surprising your child doesn't talk to anyone and then isn't invited to parties.

Totally agree.

It’s not your fault but people do invite people that they know a bit (in general) it’s crap but kind of how it is and has been for the 20 years I’ve been doing school runs - I’ve had 4 children and it’s been the same every time. My OH said something to me a week or so ago ‘I don’t know why you bother with those idiots.’ We live in an area of deprivation and the parents are rougher / louder / crappier parents than we expected. But as I said to him ‘these are the friends our children will have while we we send them to that school and whilst I don’t want to be friends with anyone there, in order for our children to have friends and be invited over, I need to be polite end friendly.’ I would maybe invite her friends over (send a note to school with your mobile number in) so that the parents get to know you a little bit and then you’ll likely get that reciprocated.

Hasn’t she ever had play dates with these “close” friends, op?
To be fair, you appear to make absolutely no effort at all on her behalf.

This is odd for that age. For the first couple of years maybe (assuming they don't have whole class parties) but for 7, 8 and 9 my kids 100% picked who THEY wanted at their parties. I mean a parent might make their excuses if they didn't like me, who knows, haha. But I certainly didn't dictate who they could invite!

Have you hosted playdates? Been to any whole class parties?

Private school in Edinburgh. We must have been asked when he was enrolled. It's not a breach if you consent.

What a load of absolute codswallop. My daughter has plenty of friends, has been to plenty parties and I’ve rarely been able to chat at the school gates. Because, you know, work? I’ve been a hybrid worker since Covid in mid p1 and p1-3 I would drop her at the gates and go or she’d be in breakfast club. In fact, I don’t remember seeing any of her now friends mums hanging around the gates either. And from p4 onwards she walked to and from school with friends or went to after school club so no need for me to be at the gates. Do none of these women have jobs?

Yes, it is on you. Like it or not, you have to make an effort for your kids’ sake.

Don't worry about it, I'm in the same position and it upsets me at times! Children should be invited to parties because they're friends with the other children, not that the parents are friends, it's absolutely pathetic!

Surely you could make an effort so that your children aren't excluded. It can sometimes come across as stand off ish

Not sure if it is fair but if your social awkwardness has been misread as aloof and snobby by other parents then this could have something to do with your daughter missing out. Acknowledging people, saying 'hi' and making some small effort can pay dividends. A real shame for your daughter to be left out. It seems petty of the parents but can see both sides.

How weird. "Darling, for your birthday party, who would you like to invite?"

Absolutely, although I've witnessed mums stand alone within a meter of cliques like this & they may as well be invisible, even if the say Hi to them on arrival. The chat & laughing continues as if they weren't there. They also gravitate towards the same spot in the playground as if it belongs to them 😂 It's actually embarrassing to witness.

So is it okay for people to talk with their friends, as long as they are welcoming to others that might walk by or come up for a chat?

My definition of a clique in the sense of a playground setting is a group of women who gang together every school pickup day & make it obvious to every other person in the playground they are outsiders.

You could say there is nothing stopping the women who stand alone from walking up to them, making herself known & joining in. There is usually as much chance of that being welcome as a bad virus. I was always friendly towards all parents I found myself standing beside. I never became involved with the cliques as they had their own agendas & made it known by their actions there was a wall nobody else was allowed to penetrate. Their children were always made to stay friends within the group which is an example of the situation the OP has described in this thread.

I never wanted to make pals with the other mums as therein lies trouble, and I wasn’t interested in gossip,

This is most definitely not the case for everybody.

Honestly, there are so many posters on MN who seem to believe that simply being able to talk to others makes us somehow unkind or unreasonable, just because they find it difficult.

You may have a point there. I am very inclusive and welcoming and sometimes do get a bit overwhelmed by people coming to me with their problems because I am kind and approachable, but I will always try and help. On this board you would think that being friendly and able to do small talk and chat to people is actually a flaw.

How embarrassing for everyone.

Will it spill onto uni too? No wonder there are so many young adults unable to do anythibg for themselves!

I never wanted to make pals with the other mums as therein lies trouble, and I wasn’t interested in gossip, but always made the effort to say “hello, how’s Tommy / Tabitha getting on? Did they enjoy the school trip? Are you going to Egyptians Day next week? How much of a pain in the arse is World Book Day?” That was enough to keep relations friendly and my kids not to be left out.

I know! Do these "worthy" women just go straight into philosophy or politics without even assessing whether potential friends might actually be interested in their serious topics?

I spot whether I've got a good connection with an individual by.. err.. talking to people!

And if not, well I'll still be friendly anyway.

Honestly, there are so many posters on MN who seem to believe that simply being able to talk to others makes us somehow unkind or unreasonable, just because they find it difficult.

What can you say? 🤷🏻