Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

The situation OP has described isn’t “encouraging the child to have certain friends” though. Of course it is normal that you might want to encourage a friendship between yours and your friends’ children. But OP has said her child does get on very well with the birthday child, so this is a situation of DIScouraging your child from having friendships with children whose parents you don’t know. Presumably, if the two children are close friends at school, then one of two things has happened: either the birthday child asked to invite OP’s child and the parents said no, or the parents didn’t even ask the birthday child who he wanted to invite, and just invited who they wanted with no input from their son. And, at age 8, that is absolutely WEIRD, and very unfair to the birthday child. I wouldn’t say it “stings”, because I am not aware of this ever happening in my child’s friendship group, but I just feel very sorry for both children, that the birthday child’s parents seem to be putting their own wants/interests above what their child wants for his birthday. It’s very sad and very selfish. Encouraging your children to MAKE friends: yes. DIScouraging your children from inviting their friends to their birthday party because YOU aren’t friends with the parents: very sad and unfair (and very helicopter parent too).
(In case you genuinely don’t realise how normal people do it, this is how a usual 8th birthday party would be organised: you ask your child “who do you want to invite to your party?”, write a list. If numbers are limited, whittle it down with the child. If you want to invite your friend’s children too, and there is still room, THEN you say “I’m going to invite Sarah and Isabella too, OK?”)

because for some posters, speaking or being friendly with someone means you are A CLIQUE. There are no other explanations 😂

it's not highjacking to encouraging your child to have friends. They naturally become more friendly with kids they see the most, outside school, at sport and during the weekend.

it’s not supposed to be just a chance for the parents to hang out with the parents they like who said it was? It's not a social setting for parents, but it makes sense that the CHILD hang out with the group you are friends with.

No one is saying you should impose someone they can't stand, but it's all done naturally. They spend more time together, they are closer friends, that's life.

It works great when they reach secondary and already have a strong group of friends you can trust.

Does it sting that bad that other parents make extra efforts for ensuring their child have great groups of friends? it's our job.

I’m not confusing having a brief chat with someone with being in the popular crowd? I gave advice I’d learned on how to make small talk to help OP.

There’s usually always a ‘popular crowd’ of mums that stand together, my point was I don’t try and stand next to them because I wouldn’t fit in, so I don’t bother. I speak to people who speak to me, if I recognise someone I end up stood next to, I make small talk. I much prefer to be alone, but will speak. I just don’t go out of my way to do so.

@FlorianTV Why do people on this thread keep describing extremes? You don’t need to be in a popular crowd! Why are you confusing that with having a brief chat with someone? You seem to have no idea that most people will have a chat about something and aren’t remotely in a popular crowd! How can 29 parents all be popular and you aren’t? There’s shades of personalities at the school gate and of course some people are reserved and quiet with others in between all the way up to super confident and loud. If you don’t speed of course you get ignored in the end but you aren’t making any effort. I’d try for DD.

Small talk I have learned:

hi, you ok?
the weather
any holidays booked?
are you doing anything nice for the weekend?
not saying recent things you’ve been doing as this can be misconstrued as bragging.
when someone tells you where they’ve been, ask if it was nice.

that said, I much prefer to stand alone to avoid it, I hate it. but my daughter is rarely invited to parties and this thread is making me question if it’s my fault. but I’d rather be alone than be socially awkward and uncomfortable. I’ve never been part of a popular crown and don’t intend on trying to fit in now, because I don’t so I’d rather not bother.

@Greengage1983 Yes and no! Some parents don’t come out of their huddle and dc are encouraged to only invite approved dc. If your dc isn’t on the approved list, they aren’t invited. Fairly common alpha parent behaviour! Others definitely do let dc choose but frequently edit out dc who are known nuisances.

Because the birthday party is for the CHILD, it’s not supposed to be just a chance for the parents to hang out with the parents they like, regardless of who their children want to invite, what the actual hell is going on here??!! 😂 If you want to hang out with your favourite school mums, then arrange a barbecue one weekend or go out for drinks one evening or something, don’t hijack your child’s birthday!

This is so weird though - at 8, surely you ask your child who they want to invite to their birthday party, don’t you?? Why are so many parents here seeming to assume that their children’s birthday parties are about the parents and who the parents know and like, with no input from the birthday child themselves..? The only time that should be happening is in nursery when they can’t really talk to tell you who their friends are.

This is really common, it's probably nothing to do with actively trying to exclude your daughter or a slight against you, if you don't interact with other parents then people just don't think of you/ your daughter to send an invite. It's exactly the same as any other area of life. If you don't make an effort socially ( and I appreciate some people find this much easier than others) then you won't be included by the majority of people.
It really is worth trying to chat a bit at pick up and drop off, it doesn't need to be gossip. Just be polite, ask if they have any plans for the weekend, coming school holiday, talk about how hot it is, anything really. The children may express a preference as to who gets invited but in reality it's up to the parents.

me too! Even if it's once or twice a year around parents evening or the end of year celebration at the very minimum. Thankfully because they tend to do a lot of sports together, you can also chat with the parents around sports events.

If my kid is invited to a sleepover, I want to know who people are, I wouldn't let my teen disappear for an entire weekend going away with people I don't know.

I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

why is it unfair?

If you are a drop and run parent at parties around here, your child will never be invited again. It's a party, not free childcare, so parents are expected to supervise their children until they are old enough to walk alone to school, which is around Y5 (not allowed by the school before, so no debate needed there)

Why don't you think parents should prioritise other parents they are friendly with?

The kids tend to stay friends in secondary too, it's great to get a strong group of people you trust - they are friends with people you spend time with, they can go on sleepovers because you know the parents, you know they are safe when they have playdates or just go to each other's house when they are older.

Of course you encourage friendship with kids whose parents you are becoming friendly with, why on earth would you not?

Why inviting children who are complete strangers or encouraging friendship with people you don't like or know nothing about?

So glad l am out of all this party crap. I was a mum who literally had to drop off the kids at school, and do mach 2 with my hair on fire to get to work on time. Never had any issues with my children not being invited to parties, but my dd would tell me about things like this...As soon as they go to high school, it all stops, and your dd will be there before you turn around...Just take it with a pinch of salt & move on. If you do, do something about it, you maybe worse off...

Definitely happened at my son's school. Probably happens in the "naicer" areas where the parents don't want their kids mixing with the "wrong" sort - whatever the "wrong" sort is. In my area if was mums who worked full time - who wants to associate with the sort of women who didn't choose a rich enough husband - that sort of thing.

The OP has likely abandoned it because of all the pile on about the use of the word “gossip”. The only choice she has really is to either agree with them, mea culpa and all that, or to abandon the thread. You can bet that, despite those of us who are more empathic to her and her child, it would be one of the other camp who insisted on having the last word. That’s just the way it goes with MN.

Quite the odd thread for the OP to abandon unless of course it’s all a wind up…

It’s been pretty common for parents to curate friends and it’s their dc who go to the parties.

While this is true of reception/year 1 children, by year 2 I would have thought it is the children who choose who to invite to parties, not the parents.

Who says you have to gossip? You can be friendly and polite without gossiping

I agree. It's OK to be shy and feel awkward about talking to people they don't know well, but dressing it up as "despising small talk or gossip" just makes someone sound superior and far too lofty to engage with the plebs (other parents). There is far too much hyperbole about social interaction on threads like these.

Why do you say "gossiping" as opposed to "chatting", out of interest?

I've made a conscious effort to chat or at least say hello to other parents. The way I see it, these people will likely be in our lives for the next 10 or so years, so it's worth building some sort of relationship.

It's not gossiping, it is being friendly . Do you say hello and good morning to the other parents or do you actively avoid any engagement?
Your daughter may simply not be on their radar because they don't know you and therefore her exist.

It’s been pretty common for parents to curate friends and it’s their dc who go to the parties. It’s how it works quite often. If you haven’t had dc round to tea or even spoken to parents, you and dd aren’t in their radar. Next year, have a chat to people - you really do not have to gossip and have dc round to play, so you give dc a chance to make friends away from the classroom.

Plus boys and girls do separate out at some point. Why isn’t she playing with girls?

That doesn't make sense. Why would you assume parents don't talk to anyone just because they don't behave as if they're in cast of Motherland? Or that children aren't capable of forming their own friendships at school?

You (general you) should be cultivating a child who is sufficiently, friendly, likeable and sociable by themselves so that they make their own friends.

MN is an odd place. Sometimes there are threads which are just awesome in their kindness, wisdom and generosity of spirit-then there's one like this.

You need to put in a little more effort for your child’s benefit.

Also it is not gossiping as everyone else has said, but you often do learn things you wouldn’t about the school etc. I found out one of the teachers was retiring who teaches my son. I had no idea, so was thankful as I got her a little card to thank her for all her efforts and wish her well in her retirement.

At 8 the parent deciding who goes to the party is weird….unless it’s at their home. I would definitely veto a few kids I know my son hangs out with from destroying my house as they are little wreck-it-Ralphs.

I also think play dates are far easier if you know the parent. Sometimes the parent comes in - you won’t be invited if they don’t know you. Just awkward. Also they won’t want to volunteer to look after your child if they again don’t know you, they’ll assume you won’t want to leave your child at someone’s house who you don’t know at that age (which is fair).

Have you had play dates and ever inviting another child over? How did that go?

Hmm tough one. I personally wouldn’t exclude a child because ‘the parents are not chatty’ but you do have to make some sort of effort to make small talk at the school gates. I do it, even though it’s not very ‘me’ it’s just to avoid potential situations like this.

Absolutely bizarre behaviour for the parents to choose who is invited based on who THEY like. If they were having a barbecue one Saturday, and wanted adults they get on with as well as children their kids like, then fair enough. But for a child’s birthday party, the child chooses who they want full stop. Especially at age 8. Word behaviour, and I’ve never heard of this happening. I feel sorry for their children.