Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

The parents might be friends and they want to socialise at the same time. Don't take it personally lots of parties will only have a small amount of children you have to forget about it

I am exactly like this normally but not when it comes to anything related to my children. It's so easy because you have got the school in common so there are plenty of subjects.

A lot of people move to a new area when they have kids - perhaps priced out of a city, perhaps moving to be near better schools. Some people move back near parents or in laws after 10 or more years away.

DH and i moved to a commuter village a year before eldest was born & didnt have any mates here then. Most people here move from london and want to make a circle of local friends. We've now lived here over 10 years and most of our mates are "mum friends" and we love it!

It probably helps that we work in similar industries and have lots in common besides our kids.

Yes private. He was there from junior nursery at 3 so by age 8 he'd already had 5 years of getting to know his classmates.

I am surprised this has influenced the child’s invites to such an extent though. And that another child has relayed the message. Most people invite all the kids, or their kids’ friends, regardless of the parents.

But I do hate the negative comments about ‘school mums’. There are so many comments on MN judging the people who pick up their kids and talk to people they know. They’re called gossipy, bitches, cliquey etc, just for having friendship groups. I’m sure that this behaviour exists in some places but it is unfair to tar all school parents with the same brush, just because they are talking to people they like. And by parents, I mean mums.

Your poor daughter. She is excluded by adults who cannot be mature enough to respect their children's friend choices. The parents are controlling by dictating who can attend their child's party. What a lesson to teach a young child.
Great that some have time to chat but that is not something everyone has time to do. How sad that a young child is 'punished ' by adults because her parents won't chat at the school gate.

Most parents will have a hand in the invite list,

By age 8? I don't recall ever having a say. Possibly because at that age they were doing whole class invitations and I just worked from the class list. There seemed to be a constant round of parties.

This sounds like a very different school where everyone did that - probably private?

If nannies were dropping off, it can be that they are also involved in organising play dates and again it can be the nanny whos friendly with the other nannies whose charge gets invited more!!

My daughter is about to turn 7 and I let her choose the guest list for her party - unless the parents were really difficult that would not be a factor. I suppose it is different if they are hosting at home (although I guess at this age it would be drop and go) or if you needed other parents to help with transport. My daughters' friends parents are not necessarily people I would gravitate towards but I think with practice you can find common ground with anyone (not least our kids).

I am naturally a reserved person but I did push myself out of my comfort zone when my DC started school to chat to most people. It does make organising and hosting playdates that much easier.

I wonder how the parents of the birthday child would handle the dads who used to come to whole classes and sit on their laptops by themselves, not talking to anyone or even joining in with singing Happy birthday.

Totally agree. When my son was 8 only 1 set of friends in my friendship group even had children and their children weren't at the same school as him. By 8 my son had his school friends who he saw at school and out of school but we didn't socialise with the parents.

Is "Motherland" real life? Certainly wasn't for me.

In our school there are class reps who organise other opportunities for parents to meet/socialise, eg evening drinks, meals. There are pta quiz nights etc so people who can't be at the gate still have opportunities to be friendly with other parents if they want to.

Yes it’s misogyny. I worked full-time but made huge efforts at the school gate and other events when I could. I was warm, friendly and inclusive. I didn’t gossip once.

Its really hard to work out who your kids are really friends with if you don't interact with other parents at all.

A lot of kids if asked who they want at their party, will:

• not mention kids of the other sex even if they play together a lot
• will list popular confident children, often the older ones in the class, even if they dont play with them often
• will list whoever they played with today/this week even if they dont usually
• overlook a child with sen or disabilities

Most parents will have a hand in the invite list, so that they can do things like:

• return an invite to a child who had theirs to a party
• include an often overlooked child, especially if they are friends with that childs parents
• adjust the list to avoid inviting 13 girls & leaving off only 1
• remove a kid whom they know their child has listed because they are popular, but who actually isnt kind to their child

There’s a difference between not actually being at the gates because you’re working and being there but opting to ignore the other parents completely.

You have no need to change what you are doing based on the words of an 8 year old in these circumstances

I agree. Admittedly it's a long time since my son was 8 but my recollection is he went to loads of parties, play dates. Neither my husband nor I stopped to chat. We did alternate weeks to drop off. There was no expectation of waiting in the school grounds-we both had work to go to. The school was in its own campus and was open any way. Collection was done by nannies.

We had our own group of friends and we didn't socialise with any of the school parents. We knew names and addresses of parents in his class as school provided lists.

Your daughter has not been excluded, she is just not one of those that were included in the party. They might only have funds or space for maybe 10 people from school out of 30 children so they chose those they’re friendly with. So it’s not as if the whole class is going except your child.
I’m autistic and can’t keep a conversation long enough and get to the gates like 1 minute before it opens, long enough to smile at the school gates, ask about someone’s weekend, their day etc and then I’m off after drop off so I’m friendly enough. Your perception that people chatting are gossiping is just weird.

I don't think this should affect your kid. What if you don't see other parents because your child has to go to breakfast club/afternoon club every day because of work commitments? In that case, you also wouldn't be socialising with other parents at the gate just because it wouldn't be possible.Personally and at my daughter school I can think of a kid who has a parent who doesn't socialise with anyone but the kid is at most of the parties.

Yes of course you need to be friendly with other families if you want other families to be friendly towards you and your child. The days when I hosted birthday parties are long gone thank goodness but yes your child invites the children that they see outside school with their families before inviting children they only see at school.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping.

How do you imagine this behaviour is perceived by the other parents? If both parents of a kid in my kid's class were like this, I would assume that they disdained the other parents and thought themselves somehow better than everyone else. That doesn't go down well in any social scenario.

Like other posters, I am not NT and have had to work very hard at socialising for the sake of my dc. Apart from wanting to connect with the other parents (I generally like people even if I am rubbish at social communication), it's really important to build relationships within the school community so we're not out of the loop and have positive, reciprocal benefits such as emergency childcare or similar. It's also very important that my child sees me modelling positive social behaviours as reinforcement of the work school's intervention programme did with him. It has paid dividends for us, it probably would have for you too. (Not saying that your child is ND and needed this, but observing adults modelling appropriate behaviours is how children learn this stuff, not all of it is innate.)

I think sometimes kids get invited because their parents are right place right time as opposed to sociable, so eg you’re standing talking to a mum and it comes up in conversation so you get invited or the child runs over and says ‘oh my party is next Friday we’re going to have cake’ and they have to invite you!!

It depends what you mean by “drop and run”. The fact you describe chatting at the school gates as “gossiping” suggests you’re a bit of a bitch in your attitude towards them and it’s likely they suspect this.

Basically, they’re unreasonable if you make the effort to be nice when you’re around but you’re just not able to be around much. They’re not unreasonable if you make zero effort to talk to them ever, avoid all possible chances of contact and make it clear you look down on their “gossiping.

an 8 year old said this?

Well for one thing I don’t agree with her telling her child this . Why would you say something like that to a child it’s ludicrous

Honestly I don’t get where this whole “I have to be friendly with the parents” thing comes from. My Dc have their friends, I have mine, theres a small bit of overlap but some of the parents I get on with best have children that mine absolutely do not get on with.

DD has literally one friend whose mum I talk to a lot, otherwise I barely speak to her other friends parents (we just don’t cross paths very often), their kids still get invited to things because it’s not about me it’s about the DC being around their friends and I just facilitate that.

These are separate things, I have zero desire to impose my own likes on my DC social life, it wouldn’t be fair.