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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

926 replies

Puffinsandcoffee · 06/07/2026 21:46

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

  • I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
  • I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
  • I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
  • I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

OP posts:
Butsometimesnot · 20/09/2026 18:39

Puffinsandcoffee · 20/09/2026 18:15

@Butsometimesnot yes, most of the scars on my arms. I thought I'd mentioned that already here but maybe another thread. I've done it my whole life since I was about 12 I think. I know it's not good but not really that easy to stop.

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Is that related to your family? Are they aware of the cause? Have you ever sought therapy?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 20/09/2026 18:38

Well done @Puffinsandcoffee for taking advice, looking around, and making comparisons.

Only you know the reality of your situation, what steps you can make and when.

I would say, recognising your power in this situation is a big step. You’ve told him you see him and you see his behaviour. You’ve told him other people are looking too. You’ve stopped thinking you are the problem.

It isn’t a magical solution, but it’s a big step on its own.

Stay safe. Do whatever you can in the way of lining up your ducks in case of emergency. Teach your daughters independence, and your sons that they need to treat women better, that women don’t exist just to keep men happy.

Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 20/09/2026 18:15

Butsometimesnot · 20/09/2026 18:02

Self harming?

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@Butsometimesnot yes, most of the scars on my arms. I thought I'd mentioned that already here but maybe another thread. I've done it my whole life since I was about 12 I think. I know it's not good but not really that easy to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 20/09/2026 18:14

@Dery @mumuseli @Emilesgran thank you that's so kind 🙂My dad was very big on getting us an education (as a weapon, he said 😂), so I have him to thank if I've written clearly here, despite all the harm he did. He was actually a really good man in many ways.

OP posts:
Butsometimesnot · 20/09/2026 18:02

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Self harming?

LIZS · 20/09/2026 15:48

Why would it be vindictive ? Presumably you are stating fact and want some support. If he has hurt you, even due to addiction, that is abuse, especially if he expects you to keep quiet.

Dery · 20/09/2026 15:35

“I just want to say, OP, that I have found all your posts really articulate and well-written. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m saying that in a patronising way – it’s just in reference to what you say in this post about not being clever or having a career. You come across as pretty smart in your writing style! So many adults nowadays don’t really write well, but you certainly do. 😊”

Totally agree with @mumuseli. This with bells on. Also - OP, please do not apologise for what you have and have not felt able to share on your thread. It’s your thread and you are absolutely entitled to navigate it in the way that seems safest to you.

Emilesgran · 20/09/2026 15:33

mumuseli · 20/09/2026 15:02

I just want to say, OP, that I have found all your posts really articulate and well-written. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m saying that in a patronising way – it’s just in reference to what you say in this post about not being clever or having a career. You come across as pretty smart in your writing style! So many adults nowadays don’t really write well, but you certainly do. 😊

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I wanted to say I thought exactly the same thing@Puffinsandcoffee - I was really surprised when you described yourself as "not clever" because you express yourself really clearly and well. I think you're wrongly putting yourself down, and that's something you've tended to do a little bit on this thread. I don't think you deserve that!

Greenmouldycheese · 20/09/2026 15:03

Im sorry you are in this situation. I was in a very abusive relationship years ago, and the first shove never left me mind, even when it escalated and all the incidents sort of mushed into one long nightmare and too many to remember individually. Id fight back so cant say I was scared, but I was also always in high alert. None of the above it normal and im grateful I got out.

Your husband may be great 99% of the time, but the damaging of property shows he cannot control his emotions 1% of the time and that 1% often leads so hitting, strangling or worst. You already know all this which is why you feel unsafe.

Its very easy for people to say they would leave straight away etc but I roll my eyes at those comments because its shows they have no idea how difficult leaving a relationship like that is. Its like the boiling frog experiment.

mumuseli · 20/09/2026 15:02

Puffinsandcoffee · 20/09/2026 11:16

I have tried to share the relevant info about my family/ community/ culture. I don't want to be specific about what I am because it would be held against me. I deleted a previous Mumsnet account because I couldn't post anything, on any thread, without someone replying to me, basically, "but you're a traveller so what you think doesn't matter". If I was on Style and Beauty and said "I like sandals", someone would reply, "You probably steal them".

I have no idea why it's so obvious who I am across different usernames, but since I do need help and I do get help here, and it apparently is relevant, yes, from all of my threads it's prob very clear that my family is pretty messed up.

But there's plenty that's great about these people too, and anyway, it's not an opt in/ opt out thing: it is what I am, and it's pretty much all I have going for me. I'm not clever, I'm not rich, I don't have a career, I'm not one of those tall, swishy haired, confident women that I picture some of you being, with options and powerful friends and sureness about what you're entitled to and how to get it, and I can't become one of those women either: I'm short and skinny and wear mostly supermarket/charity shop clothes. I have visible scars on my face and arms - I'd look ridiculous in fancy clothes because I look inescapably like a fucking pirate, and I sound like one too - I have a strong accent that people visibly react to and make jokes about. But I do have a very clear sense of identity that's completely intertwined with my community. I wouldn't lose my community if I fell short of our moral standards, but I'd lose my sense of self.

I can't leave. I don't want to leave. I don't need to leave. But - whether it shows or not - I'm a bit more awake to my situation than I was, especially about the possible harm to my beautiful kids. And my family is definitely a powerful resource in this situation.

Anyway, thank you everyone - this has been helpful to me and I am very grateful and I am still turning over all the big range of thoughts and advice. It's part of my landscape now, so even though I get that it's prob maddening for all of you, every post has made a difference to me.

I just want to say, OP, that I have found all your posts really articulate and well-written. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m saying that in a patronising way – it’s just in reference to what you say in this post about not being clever or having a career. You come across as pretty smart in your writing style! So many adults nowadays don’t really write well, but you certainly do. 😊

WaryCyanStork · 20/09/2026 14:54

OP please speak to someone trained in child protection, such as a health visitor, teacher or the NSPCC. They can support you and your children.

Ultimately, if you decide to stay in a violent relationship, nobody can stop you. However, culture and family pressure are absolutely no excuse for making your children grow up in a violent home. They need support even if you don't want it.

pinkpony88 · 20/09/2026 14:32

Puffinsandcoffee · 06/07/2026 21:59

I definitely can't talk to anyone IRL, and there would be no benefit, but mumsnet is a godsend for me and I'm so grateful that people take the time to reply to me because I sometimes think I have no sense of normal at all.

He didn't do anything all that bad - I did wonder if omitting it would make people imagine the worst. It was just stuff like he kicked the door into a room I was in until it broke, and punching walls which is just stupid behaviour obviously, he hurt himself and damaged the wall. Swearing at me/ calling me horrible names and pushing me a few times. Nothing worse, nothing that would make someone else a "nervous wreck" Just, his misfortune is that I was already susceptible to being a nervous wreck!!

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Honestly this would make anyone a nervous wreck! 😟

Puffinsandcoffee · 20/09/2026 14:22

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Alwaysbella · 20/09/2026 13:25

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Alwaysbella · 20/09/2026 13:24

EllieQ · 20/09/2026 09:39

@OneFineDay22 I think part of the issue is that there are children involved, so the OP has had some harsh comments on this thread (and her other threads) about damaging her children by staying in the relationship. Explaining the cultural background would hopefully make people more understanding of the situation, though you are right that if a poster says she doesn’t want to leave, we should respect that.

I agree although we have all seen threads where an Op begins the thread with no thought to leaving him… but by the end of a long discussion with loads of posters advising - the Op has had the wool pulled from her eyes.

Whereas if we knew from the outset that the Op was part of the travelling community, we wouldn’t waste our breathe on suggesting leaving

OneFineDay22 · 20/09/2026 12:53

EllieQ · 20/09/2026 09:39

@OneFineDay22 I think part of the issue is that there are children involved, so the OP has had some harsh comments on this thread (and her other threads) about damaging her children by staying in the relationship. Explaining the cultural background would hopefully make people more understanding of the situation, though you are right that if a poster says she doesn’t want to leave, we should respect that.

If you read through the whole thread, I think you’ll see that even the unconfirmed assumption of OP’s culture/community was enough to make people say some quite judgemental and unhelpful things. So, even though I agree that in an ideal world, mentioning the background would help everyone be on the same page about what advice would and wouldn’t make sense, MN isn’t an ideal world.

Emilesgran · 20/09/2026 12:00

Puffinsandcoffee · 20/09/2026 11:16

I have tried to share the relevant info about my family/ community/ culture. I don't want to be specific about what I am because it would be held against me. I deleted a previous Mumsnet account because I couldn't post anything, on any thread, without someone replying to me, basically, "but you're a traveller so what you think doesn't matter". If I was on Style and Beauty and said "I like sandals", someone would reply, "You probably steal them".

I have no idea why it's so obvious who I am across different usernames, but since I do need help and I do get help here, and it apparently is relevant, yes, from all of my threads it's prob very clear that my family is pretty messed up.

But there's plenty that's great about these people too, and anyway, it's not an opt in/ opt out thing: it is what I am, and it's pretty much all I have going for me. I'm not clever, I'm not rich, I don't have a career, I'm not one of those tall, swishy haired, confident women that I picture some of you being, with options and powerful friends and sureness about what you're entitled to and how to get it, and I can't become one of those women either: I'm short and skinny and wear mostly supermarket/charity shop clothes. I have visible scars on my face and arms - I'd look ridiculous in fancy clothes because I look inescapably like a fucking pirate, and I sound like one too - I have a strong accent that people visibly react to and make jokes about. But I do have a very clear sense of identity that's completely intertwined with my community. I wouldn't lose my community if I fell short of our moral standards, but I'd lose my sense of self.

I can't leave. I don't want to leave. I don't need to leave. But - whether it shows or not - I'm a bit more awake to my situation than I was, especially about the possible harm to my beautiful kids. And my family is definitely a powerful resource in this situation.

Anyway, thank you everyone - this has been helpful to me and I am very grateful and I am still turning over all the big range of thoughts and advice. It's part of my landscape now, so even though I get that it's prob maddening for all of you, every post has made a difference to me.

That’s shocking that you were getting comments like that. I’ve said before (IRL, not on here) that for a society that supposedly cares so much about inclusion and tolerance, it’s odd that there are certain forms of prejudice and exclusion that are quite ok for many. Travellers are one, redheads are another. (I’m neither, FWIW)

Anyway, I wanted to say that I think it’s fantastic that you were able to get enough out of this thread to be able to talk to your family (something you started out thinking wouldn’t be possible) and most of all, that they responded so well and can now be a protection for you.

That really is all that matters here. Ignore the nasty comments - there are some very judgmental people out there but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you can start to heal from all your experiences, and hopefully as a result your children will have a far easier start to their lives than you did.

Original poster
Puffinsandcoffee · 20/09/2026 11:16

I have tried to share the relevant info about my family/ community/ culture. I don't want to be specific about what I am because it would be held against me. I deleted a previous Mumsnet account because I couldn't post anything, on any thread, without someone replying to me, basically, "but you're a traveller so what you think doesn't matter". If I was on Style and Beauty and said "I like sandals", someone would reply, "You probably steal them".

I have no idea why it's so obvious who I am across different usernames, but since I do need help and I do get help here, and it apparently is relevant, yes, from all of my threads it's prob very clear that my family is pretty messed up.

But there's plenty that's great about these people too, and anyway, it's not an opt in/ opt out thing: it is what I am, and it's pretty much all I have going for me. I'm not clever, I'm not rich, I don't have a career, I'm not one of those tall, swishy haired, confident women that I picture some of you being, with options and powerful friends and sureness about what you're entitled to and how to get it, and I can't become one of those women either: I'm short and skinny and wear mostly supermarket/charity shop clothes. I have visible scars on my face and arms - I'd look ridiculous in fancy clothes because I look inescapably like a fucking pirate, and I sound like one too - I have a strong accent that people visibly react to and make jokes about. But I do have a very clear sense of identity that's completely intertwined with my community. I wouldn't lose my community if I fell short of our moral standards, but I'd lose my sense of self.

I can't leave. I don't want to leave. I don't need to leave. But - whether it shows or not - I'm a bit more awake to my situation than I was, especially about the possible harm to my beautiful kids. And my family is definitely a powerful resource in this situation.

Anyway, thank you everyone - this has been helpful to me and I am very grateful and I am still turning over all the big range of thoughts and advice. It's part of my landscape now, so even though I get that it's prob maddening for all of you, every post has made a difference to me.

OP posts:
EmailsaysOOO · 20/09/2026 09:59

Puffinsandcoffee · 19/09/2026 20:21

I know. I suppose I can't be sure. But then, I don't think I'd be sure of any man. They're all scary. I'm not being glib about that. I just mean, I don't find it easy to untangle my husband (reality) from that (legacy).

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I'm sorry that you've been through all this. It isn't right to not know if you feel safe with a man. I know that you would never provoke anyone and there is no way that you should feel unsafe.

I know you keep saying this and I know you have children but you really, really do need to see about leaving him. That would not mean he never sees his children. You need to put yourself and them as the top priority. Forget anything else .

EllieQ · 20/09/2026 09:39

@OneFineDay22 I think part of the issue is that there are children involved, so the OP has had some harsh comments on this thread (and her other threads) about damaging her children by staying in the relationship. Explaining the cultural background would hopefully make people more understanding of the situation, though you are right that if a poster says she doesn’t want to leave, we should respect that.

OneFineDay22 · 20/09/2026 09:19

I’d just like to say as well, a woman in an abusive relationship not recognising abuse is almost universal. Usually because of the environment they were raised in. I think most women in abusive relationships take a long, long time to recognise that that is what is going on and usually even longer to leave - only when they feel they are in actual danger or their children are in actual danger and it isn’t something restricted to one community.

OneFineDay22 · 20/09/2026 09:15

@EllieQ I think OP said in her very first post that she didn’t want to leave her husband - she couldn’t and didn’t want to. It doesn’t really matter what the individual reasons are for a woman saying this, that’s how she feels so telling her to LTB because you don’t agree with the cultural belief that divorce isn’t acceptable isn’t going to help, no matter how right you think you are.

I know white British families that could have said almost every word of OP’s posts. They have a familial culture of violence and have grown up with certain things as normal that you personally wouldn’t agree with. But the culture isn’t irrelevant, only the OP’s experience and stance. She has engaged with posters from another culture, accepting their views and advice, while navigating her course of action within her own personal circumstances which is quite a developed thing to do.

TheRoyalInkPot · 20/09/2026 09:09

Puffinsandcoffee · 06/07/2026 21:46

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

  • I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
  • I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
  • I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
  • I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

How sad that on what is supposed to be a helpful forum you have to even think about the type of poster who may want to catch you or even link other threads etc.

This shows why mnhq really needs to stop posters like this.
Op I hope you get some good help

EllieQ · 20/09/2026 09:04

Puffinsandcoffee · 19/09/2026 20:15

I know I should just leave it, but it feels important to me to go over this again: I know most people are sure I'm a traveller. I'm just saying, one, that I've never said that, and, two, I don't know why anyone cares, because it doesn't matter.

The reason I keep repeating this is because I'm well aware that some of the stuff I've said is great ammunition against travellers. But there's plenty of other groups that are male-dominated, closed, violent, and hate the police. As well as which, the "violent thug" in this thread is an educated, well-off, white British man. Truth be told, I was warned about men like that.

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It does matter, because most people will be giving advice based on the assumption that you are from a white British background, and then be puzzled/ frustrated by the fact you keep saying that you can’t do X. If you explain that you are from a particular community, people could be more understanding of the situation and offer more tailored advice/ resources, in the same way that a thread by someone from a Muslim/ Hindu/ Orthodox Jewish background would need more understanding of the cultural issues.

It also matters because it’s clear that you have accepted your (White British) husband’s behaviour as ‘normal’ because it’s not too different from the male behaviour that you grew up with, especially as your dad was an alcoholic/ addict and has left you with trauma from your childhood. I think that it was in this thread that you accepted that his behaviour is not the norm and would be considered abusive, which I hope helps you understand that your relationship is not healthy.

Alwaysbella · 20/09/2026 06:34

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