AIBU to refuse my boyfriend's brother staying over every weekend?

I'm sorry OP but the proximity is weird, and i don't see how it can change. They shouldn't have been allowed to stay as frequently as they have all very incestuous and co dependant. They obviously have there way of doing things and this sortof behaviour/lack of boundaries has been normalised and facilitated by your BF and his family. I'd consider what your future looks like. Your post reminds me of the dynamic between my hubby and his mum and brother...it's extremely difficult to manage. Your BFs mum sounds unreasonable and hard work too. i'd think very carefully about where things will lead.

Seems like blood is thicker than water here.

Tread warily. If bf does not tell his brother himself that staying over whenever he's pissed is just not on, then you might have an enmeshed bf on your hands. If that's the case you will always come second to the family.

Why is brother crashing at yours anyway? Is he embarrassed to go his mother's because he is drunk, or is your house nearer to the pubs/clubs that he frequents?

Not that it matters. You must continue to stand up for yourself and refuse to have the brother stay over like that. BF will either agree and back you up, or relent and go with his brother's wishes. If he doesn't stand up for you I'm afraid I would leave. That dynamic will not improve.

You are not being unreasonable. It’s your house, you have every right to say no. Your dp needs to stop answering his phone to his drunk brother. Can’t he phone the parents? Or he needs to see your side.

The brother is calling your partner during the night to ask if he can stay? Your partner needs to tell him to stop asking. You can also say to him to tell his mum that it’s unusual that you don’t want a man who is drunk in your house in the loo when you need access to it. You have a partner problem for being so weak. And he doesn’t need to explain to his mum. He just puts his phone on silent and ignores the phone going forward… he

I’d be seeking to agree with DP that there will be no more guests for the foreseeable. His mum sounds like an absolute bitch but at least you know now.

And your boyfriend replied with? Depending on what his said to his Mum depends on where you go from here. What he should be saying is this is my house with my girlfriend, she is my priority and we don't want him hanging out here every weekend.

Anything wishy washy and you need a serious conversation as to where his loyalties lie. His Mum is way out of line and she can fuck off. You were using your bathroom in your house. Her son can be drunk and hungover at home.

I don’t get why he has to stay at yours rather than his own house? Is it nearer to the pub? Or are mummy and daddy getting sick of being woken up at 4am every week when he stumbles home?

I hate to say this, and it doesn’t mean that you should break up, but a 31 year old man may as well be 25 and his brother may as well be 21. My point being is, don’t necessarily expect him to understand how you’re feeling, because he can’t. He will when he’s 35+ 😂

Having said that, you shouldn’t have to host his brother every weekend. Have you sat your boyfriend down and tried to explain why you feel this way? Do you have a friend, family etc you can compare to? Eg “Imagine if Amy came over every Saturday night and on Sunday we couldn’t just go out our own home and leave her crashed in bed. I had to make sure we got food in Amy would eat. Consider if Amy was eating meals with us if she’s staying all day. Not just be able to get on with our day without having to think about what Amy was doing”

If he starts to throw down the “it’s my house too” then get up early on a Sunday, go out and do your own thing. Don’t revolve your Sunday round his brother being there or not!

If it was a case of him staying because he had (eg) some odd Monday only work experience/business course, or he'd just broken up with a partner and it was short term, I'd say fair enough. But I'd still expect him to behave sensibly when there-and he doesn't.
So you're not at all unreasonable. And what did your partner say?

I'm 40 and feel like i've seen it all at this point....so i'm going to be blunt imo whether he backs you or not... its "doomed".

You and your BF do not have compatible values for a happy and successful long term partnership... (very reasonably) he sounds like he will always want them in his life to some degree and they all sound close (how lovely) except their values fundamentally differ from yours (and its not that lovely its suffocating and opressive)

If you stay with this guy you WILL be marrying this family. Really dont kid yourself on this point.

And even if you endure this sort of thing it will be all this AND MORE for 40 years+
... Any child you have will be considered communal property and if you cant get with highly enmeshed program you will be labelled an "auslander" and "not real family"... relegated to the vassel that produce the GC and now irritatingly gatekeeps them.

Even if he backs you up when they overstep... it wont matter... you'll be the villain that "made him" and is "stealing him".
You cannot "win".

You have limited time to find a decent partner (if thats what you want).

Google sunk cost fallacy and ask yourself if you want to invest more into this relationship.

To be clear this isnt about him... its about whether his family are tolerable.

Nip this in the bud. The brother needs to go to his own home. You need your space. It doesn't matter if you are feeling 100%. It's your house and you deserve privacy. Tell your boyfriend if he can't stop his brother coming over then he has to move out until he grows up.

That message seems oddly specific and personal. Are you sure that’s exactly what it said?

In my experience Op there are families like your BFs, they think it's always family first and whatever family does is OK and acceptable, doesn't matter how it impacts on anyone else. Unless you can open your BFs eyes, and make him see that you're entitled to have a say in your home, then nothing will change and he'll always be at their beck and call while you'll be the difficult outsider

Depends. When is dinnertime?

Your bf needs to set firm boundaries right now, this is your home, not just his and who wants a pissed up member of the family round every weekend? Your home is your sanctuary, not a hotel.

Next time he stay over a good vacuuming early next morning should see him buggering off home.

How dare his mother imply that you could just 'switch off' your anxiety and illness! Does she think you're making it up just to stop people from staying over? That is the part that makes me feel most angry - I mean BFs brother presumably thinks he's welcome to stop and therefore it's become his pied a terre when he's had too much to drink to go home (even though this is an incredibly childish way to behave and needs to stop), but it's the mum's absolute disrespect for your health that really gets up my nose.

He used you as the excuse.
You need to understand if he is totally fine with them coming and going as they please (sounds like it). If so you might be incompatible as you have different experiences and expectations of family.

You need to rent out that room to a lodger. Does the brother have a job, why can't he move out from mummy's and live in a House share.

Also the message seems to imply that he said to his brother not to come round because you didn't like it. Not please don't come round because I'd like some alone time with my wife / this is becoming a habit etc. I wouldn't be happy with that either

Your relationship is not going to last if you have to be the one to say no, either your boyfriend doesn’t mind or is too weak to stand up to his brother / sister but especially his mum. He’s throwing you under the bus by making you the unreasonable one as far as his family are concerned. The only way this works is for your boyfriend to not only agree it’s not acceptable to have them crashing all the time, but also say no himself.
Out of interest is he paying for the flat or are you going 50 / 50?
You need to have a conversation together about what is acceptable to both of you in terms of sleepovers, if you don’t agree then it’s a you or them situation. Be prepared that you may have to find somewhere else to live

What did your bf reply? I think she was so unreasonable that any reply that didn't tell her to stop saying horrible things about you, would have me questioning the relationship.

I also think it's unreasonable that he hasn't considered that you might not want a drunk / hungover adult male nursing a sore head, for hours most weekends. Very very few people would be ok with this, even if they liked their family popping over with no notice etc.

Why is he even coming over after drinking rather than going back to his own place?

Ooooh, you could be in trouble here.
Your bf needs to properly step up, or you will be constantly tied up in his family issues.

Your home (yours and bf’s) is YOUR home.
You see entitled to have boundaries, and not accepting drunken dossing (on a regular basis!) is a justifiable boundary.
If your bf can’t or won’t assert this boundary, it is never going to work. There’ll be worse to come down the track.

YANBU, what a effing cheek! If I were you I would message your boyfriend’s mum:
“Happened to see your message to [boyfriend] this morning. Good to know how you really feel about my anxiety and illness. While we might have plenty of room (thanks to both of us working hard and paying a mortgage/rent), we are not running a bloody hotel, and I don’t appreciate the entitlement of grown adults who think they can come and go as they please, at whatever time of the day or night suits them - especially when they have been drinking themselves into a stupor.”

And for good measure, I would round off with something haughty like:
“If you were thinking about popping around for / inviting us to [upcoming event], please feel free to reconsider.”

But bear in mind I am very petty and outspoken so you may not wish to take this advice if you care about remaining amicable with his mother.

Your home is not a doss house for missed up siblings. What if you had children. And his mum is a cheeky cow. Stick to your guns x