AIBU to refuse my boyfriend's brother staying over every weekend?

@gingerandpeppermint
Your "lovely" boyfriend needs to have your back
His mums an opiniated cow who thinks if one's got something then the others are entitled to it too in the name of "fammmilee" and nothing/no one should get in the way of that
Look,
She don't like you, probably sees you as a entitled princess and probably resents you've got her son but
You don't run a doss house
And just because he's their brother
They shouldn't assume
Here's hoping he can stand the family force

Haha. I wouldn’t do this as it’s picking a fight based off a private message.

But next time I was having a one on one conversation with her, I would find a way to get this message across. Subtly or unsubtly.

Oh great, so instead of your boyfriend being a man and just telling his family no, he has told them all about your illness so he can blame it all on you and make you the bad guy. He is not easygoing and calm, he is a pushover and a man child who doesn’t want to upset mummy.

You need to agree boundaries with your boyfriend that work for you both. What are you happy with and what not. I can see why staying over drunk and not leaving til dinner time every week would be unreasonable. Once you've agreed your boundaries you need to.ensure that your boyfriend maintains them with his family. E.g. you could say to the brother he can stay over after a bar once a month. He needs to stop blaming you for the decision and present a united front. Id he can't do that I'd be rethinking the relationship or at least the location of the flat.

I mean, if he were calling at 10 and saying ‘can I crash?’, and just stayed for some coffee and a slice of toast in the morning, I’d probably not care. But waking you all up and then disrupting your Sundays is ridiculous.

Any update?

@gingerandpeppermint how are things going now?

YANBU, not even close. You set a clear, reasonable boundary given you were unwell and running on no sleep, and your boyfriend actually did the right thing backing you and getting his brother to leave. That bit's NAH between you two.
But honestly — fuck that shit. His brother trying to twist his arm after being told no, and then his mother calling your anxiety and chronic illness "stupid" and telling you to "grow up"? That's not a boundary dispute anymore, that's contempt for your actual health. You're well within your rights to be properly angry about that on its own.
And the wider pattern — weekly, last-minute, post-drinking crash-outs that turn into all-day hangover recovery in your spare room — was never a small ask to begin with. "Not a regular thing" has clearly become a very regular thing. I fucking wouldn't have them staying over anymore, full stop — they're being proper freeloaders, turning up drunk at 4am and expecting a bed and a full day's recovery service the next day. It's your home too. Time to put your foot down: no more staying over, no exceptions. They are taking the absolute piss.

Definitely sit down with your bfriend and explain that you don't want your home to be a public house. It would be so intrusive having someone in my house every weekend and especially, when you're trying to use your bathroom or cook / lounge in pjs. You are not children so regular sleepovers are not normal or acceptable.

This. This sums up my marriage, I wish I'd seen the signs sooner and walked away.

I'd take his mother's message very seriously, OP. She sees your home as hers and her family's, you're a guest in it and you don't deserve any say in what goes on.

That level of anger of this is absurd, you're well within your rights to say no to people demanding to use your home like this. Perhaps more worrying is that she didn't say any of this to you, she said it to him. She's showing you how she'll handle it when you try to assert any boundaries. She'll go straight to your DP bad mouthing you and trying to manipulate him, and from what you've said so far he sounds too weak to handle it. You're going to be at war with his mother and siblings unless you're happy to he a door mat.

From the information we have, he hasn't prioritised OP at all. He's said yes to everyone else over and over and then let OP take the blame when he's finally said no.

This relationship won’t last, you can’t have a nightmare entitled family as in laws AND a weak pathetic partner that doesn’t stand up for you.

Kill it dead right now as it won’t change. Don’t marry or breed into this family.

What is your boyfriend saying and doing?

Has he recognised the problem?

If he tries to normalise their behaviour and if he doesn’t recognise how very enmeshed and entitled his family’s behaviour has been then forget about his family, you have a boyfriend problem.

DH’s family can be highly problematic. He knows that and deals with the issues as they arise. He is not responsible for their actions, he is responsible for how he deals with their actions.

Dump him and move on. You can do better.

YDNBU. You say he’s loyal, but to whom? On this occasion it was you, but only when pushed. The fact that he even answered his brother’s message at 3 am and agreed to him coming over when you were in such a state suggests you’re not his first priority, OP.

‘Easygoing’ can mean laidback and accommodating, which is great. But it can also mean weak and always looking for the path of least resistance in order to avoid having to deal with problems. Your partner has been conditioned to put his family first and never question their right to do as they please, and by the sound of his mum’s horrible text it won’t be long before they gang up against you if you try to assert boundaries.

His actions going forward will quickly tell you whether he’s more worried about upsetting them, or you. And if it’s them, you may as well cut your losses now, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in low level warfare and antagonism with people who will always see you as an interloper and view everything you say and do, no matter how reasonable, as hostile to ‘the family’.

We had a very similar situation here -DHs cousin lived with his mother out of town.(On a bus route but a longer journey and buses stopped earlier than the city buses) We were in town so cousin took to getting very pissed up and either phoning from the pub to say he'd missed the bus or just turning up at our door expecting to stay. He would then sleep in until lunchtime and expect to go drinking with dh or play computer games and drink all afternoon. He didn't like me because I interfered with the drinking and challenged his conspiracy theories (admittedly I was not tactful about either..). After the third or fourth of these I told DH that it wasn't acceptable and that I didn't mind an occasional sleepover when it was prompted by us but I was not prepared for him to be there whenever he fancied and certainly not every weekend. DH bless him agreed, had a long and difficult conversation with his cousin who stropped off. Didn't see us at all for a while but has now grown up, gets on with me (it took a while - I reckon he was in his late forties before it happened) and doesn't take the piss. Thankfully his mother didn't get involved! Your only hope is for your bf to put his foot down on his own account and mean it.

He did prioritise OP over his family. He told his brother to leave.

Hard no from me. Part of the problem is his mum and brother letting him act like this. It’s your house, not a doss house for his brother. Your boyfriend also needs to have words with his mum about how rude she was about you

If you want to stay on good terms with the family I wouldn’t reply or get involved. Sit down with your partner and explain the boundaries e.g they can stay over while visiting us only if agreed by both of us and no more crash pad for drunk siblings. I would not like that either and would have expected him gone as soon as he woke up! He needs to have a chat with his mum about the new boundaries because the weekends are precious for spending time together as a couple as you’re both working all week. So to have drunk siblings crash every weekend is taking the piss.

What was his reply. That will tell you all you need to know.

You are incompatible. Let him go. Find someone with firmer boundaries who priorities you over his family.

I agree with a lot of posters here, the family are too enmeshed. I would explain to your boyfriend that your home is just that yours. It is not an extension of their family home and it is certainly not his brothers doss house to lie around drunk and hungover.

If he can't put boundaries in place, I would be ending it.

What did your boyfriend reply. Yikes, that message would make me incredibly sad.

That’s a very specifically bitchy message from his mum.

Why does pissed brother need to sleep at your house-it’s not like he’s spend the evening with you and is too pissed to get home. Where has he been until 3am?Why doesn’t he sleep in his own bed.

I suggest your boyfriend ignores him next time-who texts asking to come round and sleep that time of night?!