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Original poster

AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

117 replies

tinkercats · 19/06/2026 22:20

Hi, I’m looking for some advice on how best to handle this.
I have 2 DC, DD is 10 and DS is 12. Every summer they spend a few weeks at my in-laws holiday home, the cousins are always around and it is generally lovely. We live close to DHs brother and his wife, their daughter is 9 and goes to the same school as our DD. For years they were very close, but over the last year or so they have drifted.
Tonight DD and I were in her room together and she opened up to me and got quite upset. She told me didn’t want to go to her grandparents this summer. When I asked why she was hesitant to answer, then eventually said she doesn’t like her cousin. I asked more and I think DD is a bit jealous of her cousin.

For context my niece is an only child and very clearly her parents primary focus in life, she has expensive private tennis lessons, the best ballet school in our city, however she is just also talented for her age, she’s a very good piano player, a very pretty singer, and a bit fearless. She is a competitive child, but she is kind and very sweet so I don’t think there are any issues in the sense of bullying, rather DD just feels a bit jealous of the attention her cousin gets (she is also the youngest grandchild).

DD is of course also very talented but maybe in ways that are less rewarded, she doesn’t love sports or music or art, but loves maths, geography, learning new things, is fascinated by history and enjoys reading. She is also very kind, a friend to all and loves helping her grandparents.

DD is also a bit sensitive as although she is over a year older than her cousin, her cousin is noticeably taller than her so she feels she gets viewed as the “baby”. I think there is also a wound as my son has on occasion said he would prefer his cousin were his sister. I’ve told him off for saying this. I think for DS it’s because he has more in common with his cousin, his cousin is more willing to kick a ball around with him, climb a tree or race him up and down the drive way. He and DD get on perfectly well when it’s just them.

I tried to reassure DD that she has many many qualities, is smart, funny, kind, that her grandparents love her dearly and she would be very very missed if she didn’t go.

AIBU to still send her? She is now old enough where we don’t need the child care per se, she could occupy herself while I work from home but I think it would be so sad for her to miss out and I know DS will want to go.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

OP posts:
PenelopeJoanSterling · 20/06/2026 01:25

could there be also other reasons that shes not telling you

Shinyandnew1 · 20/06/2026 01:14

I wouldn’t be sending her away for 3/4 weeks if she didn’t want to go.

Original poster
tinkercats · 19/06/2026 23:31

ReprogramNeeded · 19/06/2026 23:18

Do you or your DH not stay with your children, then?

I would be looking past this and wondering if there is another reason your DD doesnt want to go. Is there any other evidence that she really doesnt want to share space with her cousin - e.g. what are they like together the rest of the year? - Your DD is old enough to latch onto this as an excuse when there is actually another reason.

No, their school has 8 weeks of summer holiday, so the 3/4 weeks with grandparents has always helped with childcare and we often join for a weekend when we can, then the last week is the whole family.

The rest of the year is fine, we have dinner at the in laws every Sunday and she doesn’t seem bothered then, nieces nanny picks DD up and takes her to school most days so they are together a lot.

OP posts:
ReprogramNeeded · 19/06/2026 23:18

Do you or your DH not stay with your children, then?

I would be looking past this and wondering if there is another reason your DD doesnt want to go. Is there any other evidence that she really doesnt want to share space with her cousin - e.g. what are they like together the rest of the year? - Your DD is old enough to latch onto this as an excuse when there is actually another reason.

MarchInHappiness · 19/06/2026 23:11

Its an age when children start to notice differences in talent/wealth etc, she will probably have similar feelings with friends as she gets older, but it's probably more intense with her cousin.

My best friend has two daughters of a similar age to my DD, they were double income on management salaries, and I was a single mum. The girls spent a lot of time together growing up, and about age 9/10, DD would come home saying they had iPads, xboxes etc and we only had a PC! (This was early 2010s), and they were far more academically advanced but their daughters picked up that DD was very good at sports.

I would send her if she still enjoys time with other family/GPs and it is feasible for her to come home if shit hits the fan. It is a good lesson that she has to cope with people who on paper appear to be more successful. But maybe there is more to this, and that the girls are growing out of each other?

MrSchubertWhiskers · 19/06/2026 23:01

tinkercats · 19/06/2026 22:50

I’ll have a chat with DD, I certainly won’t make her go if she really doesn’t want to!
I do think my niece gets the most compliments but not necessarily the most attention, I don’t think DD thinks her grandparents prefer her cousin, but rather the other children do. DD is much happier pottering about in the garden with my mother in law, niece disappears off to climb a tree or play tennis with my son and the other older children, but gets lots of compliments when she is around, as she will play the piano, or sing for everyone or just be praised for being so grown up etc.

Show quote history

It does sound to me like she's feeling overshadowed and left out and that her self esteem is suffering. Especially with her brother making comments like he does! It's hard for children and young people to articulate it so can sound like jealousy.

Might be worth a chat with her grandparents as well, if she goes they could step in and help her be more included.

Kerry242 · 19/06/2026 22:53

I can see why this is a tough one - but honestly, I think there is a real risk that feelings compound and become worse if she goes.

I'd probably not make a snap decision and give her a little time to think it through. But I'd list pros and cons - well if you don't go - you might feel left out, it's going to be pretty boring at home etc

I'd give her the choice but I'd also give her the time to mull it over.

Looking more at a compromise style approach - Is the place in the UK? Could you also take her for the first few days - say over a weekend with the option to bring her back? Or maybe take her half way through?

Also I don't think your son needs a telling off as much as he needs a proper conversation about how hurtful his words are. Have him imagine how he might feel if his little sister said she'd prefer to have a different brother. Have him try to put himself in her shoes right now.

I imagine that was incredibly hurtful for her.

Original poster
tinkercats · 19/06/2026 22:50

MrSchubertWhiskers · 19/06/2026 22:43

What did she actually say when you spoke to her?
I'm less inclined to say send her anyway, she clearly spends a lot of time in her cousin's orbit - living nearby and sharing a school- and it sounds like her self esteem is taking a battering, which I think ought to be handled really sensitively.

Her cousin, as lovely as she is, sounds like a dominant personality who others gravitate to, maybe your daughter is feeling left out and overshadowed? A little space wouldn't because bad idea.

There might be a compromise too as to how much time she spends at her grandparents, or when she goes - maybe so she gets sometime with them without her cousins around for example

Edited

I’ll have a chat with DD, I certainly won’t make her go if she really doesn’t want to!
I do think my niece gets the most compliments but not necessarily the most attention, I don’t think DD thinks her grandparents prefer her cousin, but rather the other children do. DD is much happier pottering about in the garden with my mother in law, niece disappears off to climb a tree or play tennis with my son and the other older children, but gets lots of compliments when she is around, as she will play the piano, or sing for everyone or just be praised for being so grown up etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinkercats · 19/06/2026 22:46

PaperTyger · 19/06/2026 22:42

@tinkercats point that out to her also where do they live the GP ??

The holiday home is in the south of France, so not easy for popping back and forth. Generally one of the 6 parents flies out with all the children then we all gather for the last few days to bring the children back.

OP posts:
MrSchubertWhiskers · 19/06/2026 22:43

What did she actually say when you spoke to her?
I'm less inclined to say send her anyway, she clearly spends a lot of time in her cousin's orbit - living nearby and sharing a school- and it sounds like her self esteem is taking a battering, which I think ought to be handled really sensitively.

Her cousin, as lovely as she is, sounds like a dominant personality who others gravitate to, maybe your daughter is feeling left out and overshadowed? A little space wouldn't because bad idea.

There might be a compromise too as to how much time she spends at her grandparents, or when she goes - maybe so she gets sometime with them without her cousins around for example

PaperTyger · 19/06/2026 22:42

@tinkercats point that out to her also where do they live the GP ??

PaperTyger · 19/06/2026 22:41

Somerimes backing up a child's wishes helps to empwer them more that they don't have to put up with situations they don't like .

It sounds like she has been loads she knows what's she's missing and she's old enough to choose and you don't need child care.

Id offer her the options and don't force her and let her choose. That will be very powerful backing there that you have her back and even may strangely encourage her to go!

ChateauProvence · 19/06/2026 22:35

@tinkercats i personally think she has been really brave telling you and i wouldn’t undermine her feelings. I’d ask if she is sure and let her not go for this summer if she is sure. She might want to go next summer or the older she gets may just want to be at home and has outgrown it

TheBlueKoala · 19/06/2026 22:34

@tinkercats Send her. She can't be sheltered from other succesful/beautiful people all her life. If cousin is nice it's just a selfesteem issue. Talk to PIL and ask them to boost her confidence by complementing her on skills she has that the cousin hasn't so that she feels valued as well.

Original poster
tinkercats · 19/06/2026 22:28

ChateauProvence · 19/06/2026 22:25

Why would you send her when she doesn’t want to go? Are you not just saying her feelings aren’t valid? She might be a bit jealous and that’s ok her feelings are her feelings but don’t send her somewhere she feels inferior focus on building her confidence up

I guess I worry she would regret not going more. If her feeling is that everyone is more impressed by her cousin and her brother would rather be with her cousin than her, then I worry not going would only make her feel more left out, then the rest of the year every Sunday lunch and family gathering would be cousins talking about things she wasn’t part of.

I don’t want to undermine her feelings and it makes me so sad that DD feels this way as she is a wonderful little girl who adds so much to our family, and I do understand how difficult childhood can be when you reach the age of comparison and realise some skills/hobbies are more publicly rewarded than others, even if the inherent value of each is the same.

OP posts:
ChateauProvence · 19/06/2026 22:25

Why would you send her when she doesn’t want to go? Are you not just saying her feelings aren’t valid? She might be a bit jealous and that’s ok her feelings are her feelings but don’t send her somewhere she feels inferior focus on building her confidence up

Noorandapples · 19/06/2026 22:25

I would still send her but have a chat with her grandparents about it, they sound super involved and I'm sure they'll have the experience to be able to smooth over bumpy moments once they know about it. It's hard to let kids feel upset but it's part of life and fixing problems is better than avoiding them

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