AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

If she didn't want to go due to bullying, or her grandparents treating them differently I'd 100% back her decision. Boundaries are important.

However, she's envious of the more obvious talents her cousin has. She will encounter people in life who seem to have it all/ have gravitas/ people get drawn to. You can't hide away and have to learn to appreciate and who you are as a person.

I think this could be a great learning curve, her grandparents don't love her any less, or find her company more "boring". She is equally as unique as her cousin, they just shine in different ways. It was always something similar with me and my sister. She was always instantly cool, funny, got parts in plays etc. I was always maths, puzzles, playing video games, ergo she people naturally drifted to her a bit more. I don't see myself as lesser than her and it's something your daughter needs to see too.

Also agree, I think it seems like a good idea to her now but she'll likely end up feeling left out. Maybe you go to help settle her in

This is a really tough one OP. Your daughter sounds amazing. Your niece sounds lovely too but even as an adult my first reaction is 'oh one of those, you know it all equals out as adults right?' which says alot about me and which child I was!!
So many sensible replies. I kind of feel perhaps you try to brainstorm it with your daughter. Make a honest list of positives and negatives, see if there's a way round some of the negatives. (Eg everyone leaves me alone while they go climb trees etc, ok, do you want to be with them? No but I don't want to be left out. In that time what would you usually be doing? With Nanny. Do you like that? Yes Ok well if it's a choice you're thinking about and prefer to be with nanny you arnt being left out. You are choosing to do something better.
Then try to compromise. Ok don't go out with the rest of them. I'll take you out a few days later. (Some compromise from you here too!)
Try to imbue the - so what if they are better / more successful/ prettier / more popular / richer than you. There is always going to be someone that is and you are that to someone else. Who cares? It doesn't make a difference to your life and how you live it unless you let it.
Good luck. Daughters are hard!!

Well what’s it going to be like if she doesn’t go? Her brother and cousin will extend their friendship and your DD will have to hear “ do you remember that time when… “ and some funny anecdote will ensue. My DD is a bit older at 14 and has an anxiety about situations and will never ever put her self forward for anything new. It could be a fun thing but if she doesn’t know everyone or she doesn’t have her best friend there she doesn’t want to do it. I would be concerned that there is a message that she finds it uncomfortable so steps away from it. I know you have a different scenario but if you needed the childcare would you even be debating this? There needs to be a conversation with your parents about praise of Perfect Bloody Polly and her amazing talents but your DD also needs to learn to manage her discomfort a bit.

Could there possibly be any other reason that she doesn't want to go and used the jealousy issue as an excuse not to go?

If you are completely sure there is nothing sinister going on then I would maybe be the parent that flies out with the kids, see how she is then either leave her or return home with her. I suspect once she is there she will want to stay.

I think it’s a lot of time together. Can you juggle things at all so it’s not every single day being compared to this girl? Does your daughter have opportunities to shine? Engineering club or chess or whatever other things. I know it won’t help if the rest of the family is sporty together, but having her own life and own interests would help. I can see both sides too, but if she does stay home, I wouldn’t have her lying around the house for weeks while you work. I’d be signing her up for anything she’s not tried yet and is interested in at all.

I would have another chat with her when she is calm and talk through both her wonderful qualities and also the realities of not going. I have a 10yo DD and I imagine she would feel like she didn't want to go, but didn't want to miss out, almost wishing no-one was going. When given time, I imagine she would prefer to go.

Are there things your DD could work on? My DD loves making PowerPoints and Cahoot quizzes that she shows and gets attention for? You might need some of the older ones on side though.

Spot on. I think we can all recognise OP’s DD’s feelings from our own childhoods. The absolutely brilliant thing, whatever OP and her family decide is that her DD can talk about this.

I’d talk to her again and check it’s what she wants but I wouldn’t send her if she didn’t want ti go. But you could all still go as a family for a week or two towards the end.

Sorry but to me I would still send her. There will be lots of people she will encounter in life who have it better than her. The issue of there being 3 children will always mean someone gets left out, happens with my kids and their cousin (though it can alternate which of my children the cousin favours each time we meet).

I agree with others about looking to shorten the time as it is a long time away from home but I would bring both children home.

I guess part of the issue will be what to do for childcare, will your DD be happy if you are working to now say if you don't stay with grandparents then you have to go to holiday club instead.

I was thinking the same - and even she could return when everyone gathers at the end for a few days. Then she’s done a bit of seeing everyone but not had the full weeks if she doesn’t want.

it probably wasn't hugely atypical as a sibling comment, but, as a pp has attested, sibling dynamics often can and do leave scars at times.

I think it’s an important learning experience, there will always be people in life who have more/are better than us, what are you teaching your child if you validate that the answer is to just run away? No wonder we have so many people eaten alive by jealousy if they’re not being helped to manage these feelings.

It’s great that she’s told you and I think you’re doing the right thing by saying she has XYZ talent her cousin doesn’t, keep validating that. Also agree with having a word with the grandparents asking them to be mindful of giving her special praise so she also feels important.

I do think 3-4 weeks is an awfully long time though, can that be cut shorter?

It's not quite as simple as just don't send her I think. If op keeps her at home she's going to feel even more out on her own, out of the bond and less likely to want to go next year too.

I would worry about this too op.

On the other hand, I do hear what @moose62 is saying when she says that dc have so little ability to rectify situations and that a desire for distancing is DD's attempt to manage this.

I'm surprised so many people have brought out the brother's comment as being so bad as I would class that in a pretty typical sibling feeling.
It's normal to find your siblings really irritating because you're stuck with them, and I'm sure if cousin was sister etc then he'd still have times he wishes they were swapped.

It's not quite as simple as just don't send her I think. If op keeps her at home she's going to feel even more out on her own, out of the bond and less likely to want to go next year too.

I guess because they are at school together, have lunch every Sunday, get picked up for school together most days, your DD has probably had enough of constantly hearing about/being compared to her cousin.
Your DS comment was probably the icing on the cake.
I grew up with a sister I really love, but didn't often like. It was alway 'Marie does this so well, Marie is so good at swimming, Marie has so many friends.' Nobody said I was bad at anything but the inference is there.
I often felt jealous and wanted someone to notice me or prefer me.
I didn't do anything about it as a child can't really which is why your DD wants to distance herself. The cousin might also snidely be rubbing your DDs face in it.
Not going might not be the answer....perhaps speak to the grandparents....make them aware of how DD feels and give DD ideas for how to deal with it if she feels overlooked without minimising her feelings.

Isn’t it quite normal at that age to feel jealous of cousins, family friends etc? Personally I don’t think it’s the right thing to remove yourself from a situation just because you’re jealous particularly involving family, it’s better to learn how to cope & manage that discomfort. However as pp said you could fly out with her, stay a few days or have her not stay as long.

As suggested above could you spilt her stay and do part with the other grandchildren then part at home. Could you investigate opportunities at home like a summer day camp week for 'geeks' (sorry, can't think of a better word). Although you don't need childcare as such if she did something solo here and focussed on her interests it might bolster her confidence rather than feeling left out/behind in the sporty stuff? Your dd sounds a lovely soul and it.is great she can articulate and express what she feels. Hope it works out and you all have a good summer x

This is a really interesting way of framing the issue and was sort of what I was getting at in terms of there being little merit in training our dc that they have to be suckers for punishment.

On the other hand, given this is a family situation with a certain degree or inherent inevitability (and much to be lost by just avoiding the situation) is it more:

Dear Mumsnet,

I have a great career, but work in an office with someone who has a tendency to outshine me on some, but not all, metrics. This makes me feel really challenged by the situation. I would also be really disappointed if she gets the promotion we are both in line for. So, although I do have a lot to gain from the job and a lot to lose by not sticking around, should I just move elsewhere? I did this at my last job as well, so worry at what point I will find somewhere without these annoyingly bright stars.

Signed,
Thinking every challenging feeling needs to be avoided not confronted

I genuinely don't have a clear view and can see both sides.

It is interesting to debate what factors make removing yourself from a situation that has negative aspects justifiable. Obviously bullying or ill health are issues parents need to step in and manage by ensuring the child is not left in that situation. And here there seems to be neither. On the other hand our understanding of physical and mental health now bleed into each other more than they once did. What builds a resilient human? Learning to meet every unpleasant situation head on, or learning that we owe it to ourselves to reserve our energy for situations that really cannot be sensibly avoided.

This is a great idea!

If this were my daughter, my concern would be what she would do all day sitting at home during the weeks her cousins and her brother would be having a great time in France. For me, a less than perfect few weeks in the French countryside with her grandparents would easily beat a summer of Netflix, screens and boredom back at home.

Whatever happens, you need to have a chat with the grandparents. And if you could fly out with the group, or even bring just DD on your own a few days after all the others go, that could help immensely.

@Calliopespa has very good advice.

Dear mumsnet

Every year I go on a family holiday that leaves me feeling bad about myself. My family isn’t doing anything wrong, but something about the trip just saps the energy from me. I’m dreading booking next year. Should I just go or should I strike out solo?

signed
Thinking an adult’s feelings would be better respected

Is there any chance at all you could be the parent who flies out with the dc and stay a couple of days, with the option of her returning with you if she still feels it is not a situation she wants to be in?

It's a really tricky one op, and an interesting thread for a parenting forum, as I think knowing when and how to validate dc's feelings while still teaching them to cope with life's challenges is one of the hardest parts of parenting.

We have all seen the damage in previous generations that not hearing children's concerns and requiring them to just toughen up can cause. Yet, it is one of our duties as a parent to support them to find a way of facing challenges, so I think that I agree with @JMSA that I would see if there is a way to support her through this rather than avoid the situation entirely.

I think she has shown huge maturity and self-knowledge to identify these feelings and express them to you. Her brother's words were a very bitter pill for her and I am glad you know about them so you can address it. In that context I think her jealousy is very understandable, but it is, nonetheless, an emotion she will need to handle and process appropriately throughout life, and just avoiding people she feels jealous of won't be feasible (or would lead to a very stunted sort of life.) I realise this is harder as it is a family situation - a place where we should feel our most confident and accepted.

The other side of the coin is that it is useful to teach dc that they don't have an obligation to endure situations where there is a viable way out, and perhaps knowing when the situation is one that need not be endured and making an alternative path where we can is the key to life!

I think I’d be more inclined to do what I could to make the situation better, rather than removing her from it altogether.

Talk to dd about options like - if going for a shorter period of time would help. So she could fly out with everyone and she could come home early.