AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

I would still be encouraging her to go but speak with grandparents and encorage them to talk to her and if necessary tell her she can go home if she wants to alter an agreed number of days.

Why does it matter if the cousin and yourself are only children in the context of the story, OP?

I think she's old enough to decide for herself but have another chat with her about it - maybe discuss the pros and cons of going before she makes her final decision.

I wouldn't send her if you don't need to. She needs to know that you are on her side right now. I think it's not just jealousy either, but she is worried about feeling left out, bored and lonely if her brother and cousin team up without her.

I think she needs to be allowed to make her own decision. Maybe take her with you for the last week. If she has a happy memory of that she might want to go again next year.

I would encourage her to go and point out the lovely things she’s doing that she enjoys and how lovely it is to be making those special memories with mil. She doesn’t want to play football etc so actually it’s pretty good that the other kids all go off and keep her brother amused so she can spend her time doing as she pleases!

jealousy isn’t a nice feeling and it’s not a nice trait if allowed to fester. As long as she logically understands that there is nothing to be jealous of it’s ok to confront those feelings. Does she even want to be good at the things her cousin is good at? If she can understand exactly where the jealousy is coming from it will help her deal with it and maybe also help her make decisions as to things she would like to try

and we all went to school with someone who was good at everything and won all the prizes - it’s unfortunate she’s related. In most cases they lead perfectly ordinary lives like the rest of us!!

Is it possible for her to go but allowing her to call you any time she wants to come home?

We all have to get on with people - we don't have to go on holiday with them for several weeks though!

I'm quite sure if this was an adult with an irritating SIL - the responses would be very different.

The child is already spending alot of time with her in her every day life and getting on with that.

She probably gets a bit left out with it being the 3 of them and DN and DS go off playing together … is there not a 4th that can go?
Ask DS to make sure she is not being left out while they go on their tree climbing expedition.

then the rest of the year every Sunday lunch and family gathering would be cousins talking about things she wasn’t part of
I really doubt it’ll be the main topic of conversation for the rest of the year 🙄

She’d rather not go, she shouldn’t have to.

It sounds as though your DD spends a lot of time with her cousin - they travel to school together as cousin’s nanny collects DD on the way, at school together (are they in different years?), have Sunday lunches together, and spend half the long summer holidays together. It sounds suffocating! Will they be going to the same secondary school as well?

The 3-4 weeks might be manageable if the girls weren’t spending all that time together.

I would suggest sending your DD for a shorter period of time and arranging a holiday camp suited to her interests for the weeks she’s at home. Maybe mention that as your DD is older and more independent , she doesn’t need as much holiday care as her cousin (though this only works if your DS is younger).

Do your DC ever spend time with your side of the family?

We had a very similar issue with my DD and her cousin. Six months between them and and inseparable, went to the same school and lived practically next door. In late junior school they started to drift apart. This was very difficult for my DD, her cousin was a more extraverted, confident child and joined in everything and had loads of friends. Whereas my DD was more introverted and was fine in 1-1 but didn't like big crowds of children. My DD is an only so I encouraged and almost insisted that she went to big family gatherings when she didn't want to go, because I wanted her to be part of her extended family. This is something I regret and have subsequently spoken about with my now adult DD. What l did came from a good motive, but I wasn't really listening to her. So if I had my time again I would have tried harder to see things from her perspective. Your DDs feelings are valid. Your DD is comparing herself to her cousin, it is difficult for you to watch because you have the perspective on this ie that she has her own talents and lovable qualities, but your DD doesn't have that perspective yet. It is a real challenge to install self confidence into someone who doesn't naturally have it. It often seems the case that confidence is the key to self belief and ironically isn't always attached to actual ability or even kindness or empathy, think Trump! Maybe what I would do is have another go at you and her grandparents speaking with your DD about the holiday ( without putting pressure on which was my mistake) and if she is still reluctant then I would keep her at home. This will give her a chance to reflect on her choice as much as someone of that age can, keep her going to family gatherings to keep contact up in a less overwhelming and shorter time period. My DD found her own stride and tribe in her teens. Now that they are both grown up she and her cousin are very close again and have a strong bond forged in early childhood but both had to find their own feet before they could reforge it in adulthood.

Could she not go for a shorter amount of time or if possible a chat with the grandparents so that there is a week where it’s not all the grandchildren I know that drags out being grandparents as parents for longer so might be a no go.

It’s tough a group of 3 children one will always basically be left out even if they were siblings due to different interests while some overlap.

But it’s pretty shit to really always be the third wheel with no shared enjoyment so you’re always on the sideline or doing stuff you don’t enjoy just to get to spend time together.

I think its tricky so wouldn't rush ... Could she go later? I think the idea of finding out if there's something she would want to do as a simmer camp type thing here .. some museums ir institutes run stuff in the summer or a project or something.. if she did cubs/scouts theres often a summer camp..
Thet do seem to spend a lot of time together maybe look at developing interests/friendships outside the family more for options.... Things like cubs can be really good for kids with a wide range of interests..but equally lego club or things that interest her...or academic type holiday workshops

I would lean in to boosting her self esteem and recognition of what she likes...then she could go down later maybe a week before the whole family week to spend time with the grandparents... Either as an unaccompanied child or one of you fly her down.??

It’s an awfully long time to be away from home and her parents. Maybe she just wants to be at home and to see friends locally? Can’t she and your son go to see the GP together, without cousin? For a week, or just a few days? Three is an awkward dynamic whatever happens!

I would encourage her to sit with it for a few days and let her know that you won't force her to go.

At the moment, not going seems like a solution to the 'main' problem she's having, but perhaps she didn't think you'd actually consider it. If it's on the table as a real option, she might actually decide that it's not that she doesn't want to go at all, but that she'd like X to happen or to plan y.

Are there local attractions or events that she might enjoy with one or other of her grandparents? Could you arrange something specifically for her whole she's there that would appeal to her interests a bit more and give her the opportunity to nurture her interests?

I would still send her. It may be that your daughter and her cousin are different personalities and may never be good friends but in adult life we have to get on with all sorts of people even people we don't like and this will be good experience for her.
Before then though have a number of conversations with your daughter to make sure that there is no other reason why she doesn't want to go, also that there is no bullying and to understand exactly what the issue is. Also talk to her about different personalities, how to cope with her feelings etc

She needs to still go this summer. You have an opportunity (and her grandparents do) to help her navigate her uncomfortable feelings. Running away from her emotions by not going and missing out on family times will only build more resentment.

She’s old enough to choose. I hated being made to do things when I was about child, being told that I’d enjoy it when i got there

3/4 weeks is a long time away from home if she's not happy. But it's also a long time stuck at home amusing herself while you work. I think a good compromise would be half and half. You could take her out late or bring her back early on one of the weekends. If you suggest this to DD it will show you have listened to her, but you're also encouraging to have resilience, cope with tricky relationships and the other benefits that posters have mentioned.

Can you leave it for a few weeks and observe how they are together at your family lunches/gatherings? If she’s genuinely upset or left out in her cousin’s company, I’d be inclined to take it as a serious request. If she’s actually joining in and having fun, I’d suspect she’s built up a scenario in her head that’s dominating her thoughts of the summer. It’s hard to get to the bottom of it, but I agree that staying home this year will only widen the gulf she feels. Do you wfh full-time? Is working from France an option so that you’re close by? It could be that she can handle the feelings if you or your partner are with her (depending on her relationship with her grandparents).

It’s a tough one, but my instinct is that not going would be worse for her. As adults we regret the things we don’t do more than the things we do! Surely a few pangs of envy towards her cousin will be outweighed by weeks of fun with her wider family? But I agree that I’d present this to her and hope that she reaches this conclusion on her own.

Similar suggestion to what another poster has said: can’t your DD join the parent who flies to collect the children at the end of the holiday so she only has to stay for the last few days? Personally, I’d feel mean completely disregarding my dd’s feelings.