AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

The problem is that she is being quite unreasonable and if you let her stay home you are essentially saying that unreasonable behaviour is fine

You need to respect her wishes. If you make her go she will never trust you again. When /if even more important worries crop up she will not confine in you. She will have learnt you cannot be relied upon to take her feelings into consideration so she will have lost trust in you entirely. Is that what you want?

This thread has been very interesting with a lot of thoughtful responses from all angles. I can understand why your DD is hesitant to go this summer if she feels a bit surplus to requirements. As PPs have said, one solution might be for her to go for a shorter period of time so she wouldn't miss out on the trip altogether.

However, this post puts a slightly different complexion on things. She is being quite unreasonable to want her brother and cousin to spend their time only in ways that she approves of. Why should they sit and read just because that's what your DD chooses to do? And she doesn't want them to do anything that gets attention, presumably from the adults? That is quite unfair of her.

If she likes to read and help in the garden, more power to her. She can obviously invite the others to join her. But the other children should be free to participate in activities of their choice, and I would definitely make that clear to her.

While it's nice for cousins to spend time together with their grandparents. I think going forward, it would be better for your daughter, if your own family spend some time separately with your inlaws.
I used to enjoy seeing my Cousins but as we grew older, our different interests meantt we didnt have that much in common.
I would have really disliked that any time i spent with my grandparents meant my cousins were always there also.
My children also spent a lot of time with cousins when younger but as they grew older, didn't want to so much. Would even ask if any / what cousins would also be there, if we were going to visit grandparents. We would just organise to go another time for them. They still saw cousins sometimes but not every visit.

Don't send your daughter this year. Well done to her for letting you know how she feels.
Explain to your inlaws that with the 2 cousins having such different interests, it would probably work best, if you visit/ bring them over separate dates.
Aim to do that from next summer. Your son will be 13 and will be less likely wanting to spend time with his 10 year cousin.

Have you explained to her how ridiculous this is? She’s a bit old for this somewhat toddler like behaviour?

Several weeks with the GPs / cousins & no parents present sounds intense and much too much IMO. With the sibling and cousin dynamics/negotiations not working (eg none of the three seem willing to compromise for the others), GPs ‘complimenting’ etc.

Would give DD the option to go for a shorter time.

She’s looking at this all from her own perspective and it’s a little selfish tbh

wont her grandparents be upset if she doesn’t go? It sounds like she and her grandma spend a lot of time together

i was a big reader but I would never have expected someone else to sit and read next to me if they didn’t really like reading. Just like I wouldn’t have wanted people to make a fuss if I didn’t want to do as they wanted. Everyone is on holiday to enjoy themselves - if she wants to police what everyone else is doing so they only get the attention she deems appropriate I think you need to tell her that not on

I was jealous of my cousin for years as a child. She was the same age and was an adopted only child. She wasn't particularly brighter or better at anything but she was absolutely spoiled and indulged, whereas I had two younger brothers. But luckily we got on with each other. Explain your daughter how everyone is special in their own way, and that what your niece is better at doesn't make her a better person. It sounds like your daughter is more academic, tell her this and tell her that sometimes people who are clever don't necessarily function well in social situations. It doesn't mean that she's lesser, just different. I would encourage her to go and has others have said, you fly out with her and stay a couple of days to see how she feels.

But that's my point, in order to spend time with her brother she always has to meet him where he is. Her sense is that he doesn't care enough to meet her where she is.

In loving relationships and friendships as adults, we do things we don't always love doing in order to spend time and bond with the other person, and to show then that we care about and respect them.

When one party doesn't do this, it becomes a one-sided relationship. You see it all the time in posts on here and it really hurts, it breaks people's hearts.

Your daughter is saying her relationship feels one sided. She's probably right. It's not a bad thing to encourage your son to meet her where is too. She then might be willing to join in with his games again.

I'm not saying force it, but this is something you can explain to him and help her to articulate.

It's a teaching moment for both of them.

Well that’s unreasonable of her! I think she needs to give her head a wobble

So she doesn’t want to play with them but she doesn’t want them to play with each other?

tell her she needs to focus on herself and stop worrying about what other people are doing

speak to the grandparents and say she’s feeling a bit low in confidence - I’m sure they’ll understand. Remind her that jealousy is an emotional reaction to our own fears if inadequacy and it’s not the other persons fault

She sounds like a clever little girl & to be honest the things she loves (and is presumably good at) will probably get her far further in adult life than being good at sport or music. She’s much more like to gain a lucrative career by being good at maths, reading etc, than sport or music. I suppose I’m trying to say she might feel overshadowed now but the tables might very turn as she gets older and sits exams etc. I have a shy DD who isn’t very sporty but excels highly at all academic subjects and I’ve told her similar to bolster her self esteem (not that I would be any less proud of her if she wasn’t as academic). And as you’ve said, kindness and generally being a nice person is the most important thing.

Still send her and they’ll probably have sorted it out during the trip. If you don’t send her they’ll never resolve it

In some ways, this can feel quite exclusionary- they're a little team inviting her to join in, but she still feels on the outside and it's always her having to do things she doesn't vibe with in order not to be left out. It would help if they made an effort to do things that she wants to do as well, so that they can play together. That way it's balanced and equal.

I suspect that this is a lot to do with how much time they spend together, and comparisons that are made by other people. I used to hate it that teachers called me by my older sisters names, it made me feel like I was 'just' my siblings less impressive sister rather than an individual in my own right. I wonder if anything like this happens with your daughter? I could certainly see it happening with cousins who are close in age, even though your daughter is the elder. It's good that they are unlikely to be at secondary together as that space will be good for your daughter.

I have no advice on what to do this summer. Part of me thinks let her stay home if she wants, but I agree with others that she may feel worse from missing out. A compromise of still going but for less time seems like the best option of it can work logistically.

Overall, I would make sure she knows how loved and valued she is and try and boost her self worth. Comparison is the thief of joy, but it's easy to say when other people are making the comparisons. I personally think the most impressive thing anyone can be is authentically themselves, so would encourage her to do the things that she loves and gets joy from.

If you don’t make her go it feels like you are essentially letting her negative feelings win tbh.

and if that’s the worst thing your DS has said to his sister then things are pretty good! Your dd needs to understand that people say things they don’t really mean - ultimately he might have more in common with his cousin but he also doesn’t live with her!!!

I think spending a summer like they do is such a wonderful opportunity and will be looked back on with great fondness. It’s normal there will be ups and downs - I remember having huge fights with my cousin because she was a dirty rotten cheat! But I also remember the last summer with my grandad and those memories are very precious as his death was unexpected

@tinkercats i wouldn’t send her .
If she regrets not going, can’t she go later on in the three week time scale .
I’d rather be home than somewhere I felt uncomfortable .
Can she see the grandparents at other times with you ?
You may feel she is missing out , however it doesn’t seem like your dd feels that way.

If your daughter doesn't go does that mean your son won't go either?

Dont send her. She doesnt want to go.

I think it’s tough and I grew up with the same situation. My dad’s side are Jewish and my Uncle married a Jewish woman so cousins were also Jewish whereas my parents split when I was a baby and my mum isn’t Jewish, so I’m not either.

I always felt a bit black sheep but then my cousins also seemed jealous of me which I found weird. They’d say things about me being Granny’s favourite grandchild and such which I didn’t get. I spent more time with her on account of my dad living there at weekends when he travelled up from London to see me but I didn’t think I was her ‘favourite’. I was also his only child so he’d spoil me rotten like your niece.

Anyway, I guess kids pick up on vibes sometimes because during a phone conversation last year my Gran kindly informed me I’ve always been her favourite grandchild. What do you do with that sort of information? I just awkwardly giggled…

I say tread carefully with her emotions but of course she needs to overcome it. Children deal with jealousy quite often and it’s important to learn how to cope before adulthood. Just remind her of her own talents and that we’re all born differently but special in our own ways. Also, make note of differential treatment from grandparents if that exists…

I like this approach. Not sure what message it sends if she's confided difficult feelings in you and you then say 'yeah, no change, suck it up and go anyway'. Whereas if given the choice, she may still decide to go, even if for a shorter time, but then it'll feel better being her decision.

Four weeks is a long time (when does she get time with her own friends?) and she spends plenty of time with cousin anyway. Perhaps too much. You've said a parent goes with them for a few years - has this been you, or their dad, in the last year or two?