AIBU to send my daughter to grandparents despite cousin jealousy?

Sorry, posted on wrong thread

My sister has lots of in-laws, are they my family too? Is her mother-in-law my MIL? Any sane person would say no. My sister can have relationships that don't overlap with me.

But when it comes to step-children, even the most remote link, in the eyes of MN, means all adults have to treat them as immediate blood relatives.

You read it quite often here - “ah, but she’s my sister’s hairdresser’s yoga teacher’s half cousin, so she’s faaaaaamily” All very, very odd

Do they go for 3-4 weeks? That’s a long time. Maybe she doesn’t want to go for that length of time. But if she’s said she doesn’t want to go the I would not send my child, she’s said how she feels it may be jealousy it may be something else but regardless she doesn’t want to go.
At 10 they are becoming more autonomous and that should be encouraged.
You might need childcare but sending her away for a month when she doesn’t want to go isn’t really the best way

Won’t the weather situation affect this holiday anyway?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cvgzd34kq5dt

I suppose its about thinking what the end goal here is, your DD feeling better because she gets to avoid her cousin on this occasion, or your DD learning to manage the existence of people in her life like her cousin without it impacting her confidence. I mean, obviously, it's the second, but that's a big job, and I can see why you'd kick the can down the road for now if that's what you decide.
I think you will have to have plans in place to manage this at some point. Would it be an option to confide in grandparents, so they can support you with it? For instance, keeping cousins singing and piano playing for them rather than the other DC having to watch it? Doing activities where your DD has chance to shine, praising her and not treating her as the baby?

Is it that her brother and cousin pall up and do things they enjoy and she's left out a lot of the time? That would be very sad and I wouldn't inflict it on her. If she can happily stay at home and maybe have friends over a bit that should be fine.

How did the summer pan out @tinkercats?

I wouldn't send my child to grandparents this time.

I would tell my child I love her/him the most. Regardless how amazing cousins or anyone is.
I would love her/him even if she/him would be stupid/couldn't do something.
Then I would do experiment. Ask your child do something purposely bad, bad drawing, bad singing, bad dancing, then exaggeratedly think about it and declared 'no change in how much I love you.'
BTW It seems like a lot of pressure to do so much, and be good in it. Do kids even enjoy the activities, or just positive response from others?

Omg! I can totally relate to your DD. I grew up with cousins,.went to school with them,.holidays and similarly was away for the best part of the summer. I loved it and hated it in equal measure, esp it wasn't my grandparents that looked after us . I was the only child, totally geeky, rubbish at sport and a bit kooky. I loved the freedom but also felt overwhelmed by how "on it" my cousins were ALL the time. I had to join in with random shit despite my discomfort ( I just wanted to sit and read) and decades later I can say that frankly it's been good for me....I am quite resilient and adaptable..
Sport and climbing trees and having to deal with discomfort are good for you... My parents encouraged me academically and I have done very well but what I want is for them to have allowed me to find my love for and appreciation of sport on my own terms. Same with other hobbies.
So maybe send your daughter to France for a week or 2 and then spend the rest of the summer trying to find HER thing - swimming, karate, art, whatever... Or give her the opportunity for her to excel in her "field". A gardening project, doing a creative writing course and writing a short novela. Anything really that will give her a break from the cousin. This is where the value will come from...
Good luck x

I said it's an incentive. I'm not devaluing the child's feelings whatsoever.

Calme toi

You think speaking French is more important than a child’s feelings? I do get other posts saying you have to get on with people we are jealous of but we don’t have to holiday people we don’t want to as adults especially not to learn another language. Honestly I read more and more crap on here every day

I'm guessing the kids speak French when over there?

If so, it's a huge incentive to still send her.

@Livelovebehappy she can do that when she has emotional security and strength when older it's too much for her right now. She can retreat and build up her defences.
I was forced to see someone who was mean as a child and it didn't teach me anything

I think though that she will come across similar situations in life where she is jealous of a peer at school, or an employee at work when shes older. It seems better to teach her how to navigate these situations rather than to avoid them.

Agree. I wouldn’t be sending her - I would be checking a few more times that she’s really thought about it and then i would be respecting her wishes

3/4 weeks is a long time for a 10yo to be stuck with a girl she doesn't like very much, and an older brother who puts her down... She's old enough to express an opinion about who she'd rather spend her time with.

But also, 10 is old enough to be learning that there are always going to be people in life who are more popular/cleverer/better at sport/prettier than you, and that the sooner you learn to deal with that, generally the happier you'll be.

Personally, I think I'd lean towards keeping her at home, with the understanding that "home" might well not be as fun as the south of France, but you're respecting her right to chose.

I don't think it's healthy to avoid situations because someone there makes us jealous. How far do you allow that to go? Never being around her cousin at Christmas? Changing schools if she ends up feeling this way about a classmate? We can't just shut out people we perceive as better than us, especially family.

Do the children know that this is likely to happen or is this something only the adults are privy to atm?

If your niece and DD are aware then maybe worth pointing out to DD that in a year's time she is likely to be spending much less time with her cousin.

It might make her reassess her current thinking about the summer. I agree with other posters that it is important that her concerns are listened to although a compromise over the plans may be better than simply not going.

It's very difficult. I was your daughter in this situation. Had a cousin, also very talented and bright as she was an only child with lots of pressure and opportunities. It didn't help that some of her hobbies were the same as mine and then she overtook me even though she was younger.

Personally I found it very cringe when my cousin would ' perform' to family and her parents would gush about her.

We get on well now and with retrospect it's easier to see that she felt massive pressure and struggled with self esteem issues. She gained some weight during pregnancy and her parents were very critical which effected their relationship.

I think I would agree that she doesn't go but perhaps take her with you when you go for the larger family gathering. While her brother is away I would ensure she does lots of things that play to her strengths and boost her self esteem.

I would say the thing that helped me the most was to cultivate my own talents. Try to steer her into productive paths. If she likes reading would she like to try writing too? Is she arty? Could she make a photo album or calendar of the family?

Maybe let her do some gardening in her own patch at home so she can talk about growing vegetables with her grandma, spend time with friends who appreciate her, write stories that she can share with the family, or thinks like inviting the grandma to a play she is interested in. Science camp, Clubs with other kids with similar interests so she feels less alone in her interests.

Give her lots of things that she can talk about and remember fondly. If she is happy and confident then people will responde to that.

I was the quiet kid hiding in a corner reading so I know what that's like. It did me good in the long run however and you daughter sounds fab. I wish I had a friend like her at that age.

The dynamic sounds tricky. None of the three DC seemingly seems willing to do things that the others prefer, it’s not just DD.

Yes - but her attitude would stink as an adult so you teach her now why she is being unreasonable. She’s going to end up spoiling the holiday for her grandparents, brother and cousins whether she goes or not at this rate.

even worse if it gets back to them why she’s not going - I would imagine that would be very hurtful to the grandparents and potentially the cousin

Perhaps she needs a summer at home this year. I would listen to her. I would try to make it a really fun memorable summer doing things with her friends and to her strengths and interests. It’ll be a good confidence boost for her.

She’s 10!!