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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Transgender niece

358 replies

Stargazelamb · 19/06/2026 20:26

My niece lives in another country and I’ve just heard that she is becoming a he. She has changed her name, is taking hormone medication and now has facial hair. She is a transgender boy. However she sees herself as a boy. AIBU to think she will never be a biological boy and to refer to her as a transgender boy? I realise this could be an emotive topic.

OP posts:
AccidentallyWesAnderson · 19/06/2026 21:05

stripesandspotsanddots · 19/06/2026 21:03

OK I see a bat signal has gone out and the FWR crew have flooded this thread. I’m out. OP, just be aware that you are being advised here by a highly radicalised group.

What a shock, you can’t answer basic questions. Trans ideology relies on delusion. It’s no wonder you aren’t able to stick around.

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 19/06/2026 21:03

stripesandspotsanddots · 19/06/2026 21:01

I know it has been normalised in FWR, but it’s really offensive and transphobic to imply that being trans is “almost certainly” a result of trauma or abuse and to compare it to a serious and sometimes deadly mental illness.

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Well would you affirm an anorexic person as fat?

stripesandspotsanddots · 19/06/2026 21:03

OK I see a bat signal has gone out and the FWR crew have flooded this thread. I’m out. OP, just be aware that you are being advised here by a highly radicalised group.

Darker · 19/06/2026 21:03

Stargazelamb · 19/06/2026 20:26

My niece lives in another country and I’ve just heard that she is becoming a he. She has changed her name, is taking hormone medication and now has facial hair. She is a transgender boy. However she sees herself as a boy. AIBU to think she will never be a biological boy and to refer to her as a transgender boy? I realise this could be an emotive topic.

You refer to him as your niece and you use ‘her’ as his pronouns.

Everything your nephew (or nibling if you find that too difficult) needs to know.

likelysuspect · 19/06/2026 21:03

aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 21:00

by dressing in male identified clothes, adopting a male name, taking hormones to ‘sound’ male etc.

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Male identified clothes? What are they? Trousers? I wore trousers and trainers and a shirt today. I forgot to wax my moustache. I have an ambivilent name

Am I 'living as a man'?

What nonsense.

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 19/06/2026 21:02

aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 21:00

by dressing in male identified clothes, adopting a male name, taking hormones to ‘sound’ male etc.

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What’s ’male identified clothes’? So regressive sex stereotypes makes one the opposite sex? ‘Sound male’. None of those things makes a woman a man.

KrazyKatty · 19/06/2026 21:02

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GCAcademic · 19/06/2026 21:01

chevalraye · 19/06/2026 20:41

He is a boy. Transgender is an adjective.

In the same way that "fake" is an adjective, yes, granted.

aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 21:01

viques · 19/06/2026 21:00

The girl is 19. She has a life time of possible regrets in front of her.

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And as an adult with adult decisions to make that is on him 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t see why anyone else should be concerned.

likelysuspect · 19/06/2026 21:01

Stargazelamb · 19/06/2026 20:58

I’ve listened to views. My niece had a somewhat abusive childhood. Could this be a manifestation of that? I’m really not being judgemental here, I’m trying to understand if this is an outlet, a bit like self harm or is this to do with sexuality?

Very much so

Therapy is needed

But everyone, in nearly every country is so captured by this nonsense that any therapy will be affirming and not really support the issues that caused this

Hence why 'trans' people have high levels of depression, MH issues, self harm etc because the real issues that cause their difficulty with identity are never explored and resolved for them

Its hugely harmful

stripesandspotsanddots · 19/06/2026 21:01

likelysuspect · 19/06/2026 20:57

She is almost certainly a combination of, or has one of these features which is ASD, trauma, SA in her history

All the people that are keen to 'respect how this person wants to be referred to', they would be happy to go along with the lie of an anorexic who wants weight loss surgery, or weight loss injections, or to be referred to as overweight and obese?

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I know it has been normalised in FWR, but it’s really offensive and transphobic to imply that being trans is “almost certainly” a result of trauma or abuse and to compare it to a serious and sometimes deadly mental illness.

ScrollingLeaves · 19/06/2026 21:00

Stargazelamb · 19/06/2026 20:58

I’ve listened to views. My niece had a somewhat abusive childhood. Could this be a manifestation of that? I’m really not being judgemental here, I’m trying to understand if this is an outlet, a bit like self harm or is this to do with sexuality?

Yes, absolutely.

Original poster
Stargazelamb · 19/06/2026 21:00

likelysuspect · 19/06/2026 20:57

She is almost certainly a combination of, or has one of these features which is ASD, trauma, SA in her history

All the people that are keen to 'respect how this person wants to be referred to', they would be happy to go along with the lie of an anorexic who wants weight loss surgery, or weight loss injections, or to be referred to as overweight and obese?

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This is what I’m thinking, childhood trauma

OP posts:
KrazyKatty · 19/06/2026 21:00

I’d refuse to play that stupid game.

She’s still a girl whatever medication she takes or nonsense she spouts.

I’d be asking her why she thinks she wants to pretend to be a boy? What does she think it will achieve?

viques · 19/06/2026 21:00

aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 20:58

I imagine as he wishes to live his life as a man that he probably doesn’t care about his uterus or fertility.

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The girl is 19. She has a life time of possible regrets in front of her.

pizzaHeart · 19/06/2026 21:00

I think it would be more useful to think about particular situations where it might matter and you’d be involved.
E.g name - I would use the name she preferred.
Could you think of anything else you’d need to do differently?

Of course you are not going to make statements about her life choices. No one does that.
I absolutely disagree with some of my nephew’s life approaches. Do I make statements? Not really.

aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 21:00

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 19/06/2026 20:58

How does one ‘live as a man’?

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by dressing in male identified clothes, adopting a male name, taking hormones to ‘sound’ male etc.

Ohbeehave · 19/06/2026 21:00

Honeyhonay · 19/06/2026 20:29

Is it necessary to post on the internet about your niece’s life though? Just seems like pretty awful behaviour from an aunt.

My opinions on sex and gender wouldn’t change because of what a family member decides they want to do. Why should the OP suddenly accept something she fundamentally doesn’t believe just because of the beliefs of another. She can be kind and respectful without changing her own views

ScrollingLeaves · 19/06/2026 20:59

aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 20:55

he’s 19 so parents have no control over this. This is more about respect than it is accepting whether or not you agree with transgender identity. I wouldn’t risk my relationship with a family member over pronouns and names. (Edited to add more)

Edited
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Would you agree with a skinny anorexic girl that she is fat? And help her throw her food in the bin?

likelysuspect · 19/06/2026 20:59

aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 20:58

I imagine as he wishes to live his life as a man that he probably doesn’t care about his uterus or fertility.

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Many women who think they want to identify as male, still want children

Its why we have the nonsense of 'chest feeders' and 'pregnant people'

And men turning up to blood tests having to be asked 'is there any way you might be pregnant'

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 19/06/2026 20:58

aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 20:58

I imagine as he wishes to live his life as a man that he probably doesn’t care about his uterus or fertility.

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How does one ‘live as a man’?

Original poster
Stargazelamb · 19/06/2026 20:58

I’ve listened to views. My niece had a somewhat abusive childhood. Could this be a manifestation of that? I’m really not being judgemental here, I’m trying to understand if this is an outlet, a bit like self harm or is this to do with sexuality?

OP posts:
aliceyyyy2654 · 19/06/2026 20:58

viques · 19/06/2026 20:57

Poor girl. I hope someone has told her about all the issues that taking testosterone will cause her body.

infertility
vaginal atrophy
male pattern baldness
osteoporosis
Hair growth
irreversible voice change
issues arising from surgery eg bladder and colon incontinence

Edited

I imagine as he wishes to live his life as a man that he probably doesn’t care about his uterus or fertility.

viques · 19/06/2026 20:57

Poor girl. I hope someone has told her about all the issues that taking testosterone will cause her body.

infertility
vaginal atrophy
male pattern baldness
osteoporosis
Hair growth
irreversible voice change
issues arising from surgery eg bladder and colon incontinence

SweeetFannyAdams · 19/06/2026 20:57

FrippEnos · 19/06/2026 20:52

Its interesting how many posters say that about "trans" people yet are happy tpo refer to woman as "cis" when they ahve been asked not to..
Its a bit of that trans double standard

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Either of those things are a dick move