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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

491 replies

Atchooch · 18/06/2026 18:41

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 19/06/2026 10:33

Atchooch · 19/06/2026 09:41

That sounds like it was really hard. I am glad you are out the other side.

So the first time he was put under section 2. He was manic.
Then he went onto section 3.
Then he was discharged.
He became suicidal within a few weeks.
He went back to hospital voluntarily.
A few days later the nurses put him on 5(4). This was because it meant they could stop him from leaving the ward. They haven't gone into details and I've not asked but I think they thought he was going to hurt himself.
Then a section 2 again. It was a section 2 rather than a section 3 because he was presenting so differently to the first time.
He has a few weeks until they need to consider a section 3.

So yes, he is very ill. I'm really starting to worry that he will never be properly well again.

He hasn't got any better since he self-admitted.

We've been together almost 30 years. Our 20 year wedding anniversary is actually while we are away which makes it all extra tough. We went to Venice a week after we met (I know! I'd be horrified/furious if my daughter did that!) and we also went there for part of our honeymoon. We'd planned to be there for our anniversary. I have a feeling he had planned something. I've taken Venice off the trip with my daughter. It didn't seem right to go there without him right now.

I have no intention of giving up our marriage.

Edited
Show quote history

So when are you planning on raising the request that he stays with family while you and your dc have your much needed break?

I absolutely agree that you need to go but instead of focusing on what sections he has had focus on back up while you go. If his family won't do it what about friends?

Onmytod24 · 19/06/2026 10:32

BridgetJonesV2 · 19/06/2026 10:18

In the kindest way, this is going to be the rest of your life with your DH now. And it's perfectly OK to put the brakes on and take time out while you can. He's on a hold, he's safe and if you're not there, he can't be discharged. His illness can't take over the entire family existence.

Edited

So if he’d had a heart attack and he was intensive care, you’d still go on your holiday would you?

Gloriia · 19/06/2026 10:28

Speakeasier · 19/06/2026 09:30

Did you see the bit where he’s staying with his family while she’s away.

Show quote history

I saw the bit where she said 'Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay' which suggests discussions haven't even taken place?

bibliomania · 19/06/2026 10:25

Go. Show your dd that she matters too. Go and enjoy it - set aside any guilt for the 10 days. 10 days is nothing but the example you set for dd is a lifetime.

Detemum · 19/06/2026 10:24

Atchooch · 18/06/2026 18:41

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

Just go. I mean he is in hospital getting treatment anyway. Don't be guilt tripped.

Acommonreader · 19/06/2026 10:20

Very difficult situation but 100%you must go on holiday. DH is not the only person in your family. Other people deserve a life too. I hope you have a lovely time and both return in good spirits to support DH as needed.
Possibly look at a getting a regular day to spend with dc by arranging respite/ family help for DH?

BridgetJonesV2 · 19/06/2026 10:18

In the kindest way, this is going to be the rest of your life with your DH now. And it's perfectly OK to put the brakes on and take time out while you can. He's on a hold, he's safe and if you're not there, he can't be discharged. His illness can't take over the entire family existence.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 19/06/2026 10:14

Given the circumstances, I wouldn't go.

If you go, call him every day.

Autumngirl5 · 19/06/2026 09:58

Sunandsunshine
I completely agree about the level of hate aimed at partners on MN and I don’t think it is a reflection of real life.
I don’t feel I could advise OP on whether to go away with her daughter as it is very difficult to know the situation really from a few lines of text here. It is for her to decide. But whatever she decides, I hope it goes well for you all.

Original poster
Atchooch · 19/06/2026 09:57

Notachristmaself · 19/06/2026 08:41

I have lived with someone with serious mental illness for 3 years now. He was sectioned, then kept not taking his meds and having another episode. After the second time I told him the marriage was over as I felt the relationship had become enabling. I did everything for 2 years- he was anxious about driving so I did it. He couldn't get out of bed so I upped my work hours. He couldn't do anything with the kids so I did it. I am still living in the same house as his carer though. OP your statement about ' if you don't go your DD will never forgive him resonates with me. I have a 15 year old DS and he is angry with his dad. I've tried to speak to him about it and he says it's fine, he's just fed up of the ups and downs but he's barely speaking to H. I was going to take DS1 on holiday for his post A Level treat for 4 days, and I'm taking DS2 now too, as I feel he deserves to have something good happen over the summer. I am going to have to speak to H again and say if he doesn't help himself he will have to go elsewhere especially as GCSES are coming up and he doesn't need the stress. I suspect it's different as I feel H has got a bit addicted to being ill. I can't understand why he has twice not taken his meds and has lied about therapy otherwise.

I'm sorry you are all going through this. It adds an extra level when the unwell person can't (won't?) help themselves. My husband is engaged and taken his meds consistly (apart from a few weeks when he was first manic and the nurses had to threaten him with injecting them). He actively wants to get better. However he is feeling so bleak right now I am worried he will stop because he doesn't see the point.

OP posts:
StrongPoison · 19/06/2026 09:55

Not the same but 3 years ago I had an acute episode of a physical medical condition. 4 weeks in hospital. Recovery involved surgery and it took nearly 12 months for me to be back to 90% of what I was.
DH and I had previously booked a variety of trips and concerts / events over that 12 months. I missed all of them but wherever practicable he went with friends with my encouragement. He needed that respite from always being on and looking after me and then looking out for me.

He was so caring but I could see how tightly wound he was with the stress.
He needed the breaks, you and your daughter need the break. If your DH was mentally sound then he would recognise that too. He is scared and disappointed not to go.
But do go OP. You can’t look after your daughter and be there for your DH if you have nothing for you xx

katepilar · 19/06/2026 09:46

He sound hard work and entitled manchild.

Definitely go.

Speaking as someone with long history of MH issues who hardly travels anyomore because of it.

TreeDudette · 19/06/2026 09:45

As someone caring for a mentally ill teen I would encourage you to go. It is terrible and scary and exhausting trying to care for someone you love so much who is mentally unable to care for themselves or even to empathise / sympathise with what you are dealing with. You need a break, your DD needs some normality. It is terrible for your DH but you staying home won't make him well and there is no guarantee that he will get better in any timeframe that would allow you to do this trip "a bit later on".

DreamOfTheRarebitFiend · 19/06/2026 09:44

I'm so sorry, OP. I followed your previous thread and think you absolutely need to go on the holiday. If your dh were himself he'd tell you the same thing.

Go, and try not to worry.

Original poster
Atchooch · 19/06/2026 09:41

SundayBangor · 19/06/2026 07:21

I’m not sure if I’ve understood this right, but he was a voluntary patient on a psychiatric ward when he was sectioned due to being a risk to himself? That is really full on, the level of risk, for it not to be enough protection already being a patient on a psych ward. I don’t think I would go on holidays if my husband was that unwell.
But my bias is no doubt in his favour. I was admitted onto a mother-baby unit after the birth of my first child. I think if my husband had taken my child for ten days away from me in the months after that episode we wouldn’t still be together now. Not because I would want to pay him back and teach him a lesson. But because, and I’m only just seeing this now, we only survived as a family because he went towards me in my suffering. I know it was painful for him, and those months after my discharge I don’t remember at all well. He carried so much from that time, it has impacted him ever since. I wasn’t a gentle, receptive sick person – he had to bear the brunt of my pain, confusion, paranoia, hardness. I’m so grateful and next time I see him I will give him a big hug because it’s too much to expect of one person. I’m grateful he was freely able to give me that, to give our family that.

I don’t know how that helps you really, because it sounds like you’ve decided already and I’m just laying on the guilt for the sake of making a stranger on the internet feel bad. But I’m a bit shocked by the number of posters urging you on to go away for ten days, to look after yourself and your daughter. It’s not that you shouldn’t look after yourself and her, it’s the way you’ve already separated out your and your daughter’s well-being (current and future) from your husband’s. He hasn’t been dragging you down for years, carrying on bad habits that further deteriorate his mental health, making lame threats of self harm or suicide at the first sign of you doing something for yourself. It’s been six months of intense crisis, and he isn’t out of the woods. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes for anything, so maybe you’re right to go and have a bit of joy where you can find it. But I think you should be aware of what it is that you’re choosing to do, in leaving him to go on holiday at this time.

That sounds like it was really hard. I am glad you are out the other side.

So the first time he was put under section 2. He was manic.
Then he went onto section 3.
Then he was discharged.
He became suicidal within a few weeks.
He went back to hospital voluntarily.
A few days later the nurses put him on 5(4). This was because it meant they could stop him from leaving the ward. They haven't gone into details and I've not asked but I think they thought he was going to hurt himself.
Then a section 2 again. It was a section 2 rather than a section 3 because he was presenting so differently to the first time.
He has a few weeks until they need to consider a section 3.

So yes, he is very ill. I'm really starting to worry that he will never be properly well again.

He hasn't got any better since he self-admitted.

We've been together almost 30 years. Our 20 year wedding anniversary is actually while we are away which makes it all extra tough. We went to Venice a week after we met (I know! I'd be horrified/furious if my daughter did that!) and we also went there for part of our honeymoon. We'd planned to be there for our anniversary. I have a feeling he had planned something. I've taken Venice off the trip with my daughter. It didn't seem right to go there without him right now.

I have no intention of giving up our marriage.

OP posts:
Onlyontuesday · 19/06/2026 09:41

I'm a mental health nurse and I think you should go.

It's so easy when looking after someone wirh severe mental illness for life just to become about their needs and the carer's survival. You and your daughter's wants and needs are valid and important, and to stay well you also both need to have a life outside of caring for your poorly loved one.

If he's on a section 2 after being sectioned very recently they should be cautious about rushing things and for there to be a good and clear plan of support on discharge. Be honest with the ward that you are going on holiday, that it's so important to DD, and that if he is discharged prior to the holiday care for him will need to be in place - be that his family and/or the crisis team. My ward have the usual bed pressure nonsense but we've been able to work around things like this. Notice is better so your team can manage the expectations of their bed managers. be clear and firm.

Flowers for you, there's every reason to think he will recover but it can feel like a long slog and a return to functioning can take a while after the immediate symptoms have be treated.

mumumental · 19/06/2026 09:33

Go.

familyissues12345 · 19/06/2026 09:32

Just adding into the sea of voices!

Please go. You alone cannot fix him, who knows how long his illness is going to last? It could be forever, and then what? You never go on holiday? Nah.

He may not see it, but you and DD having a break, coming back refreshed, will be of a benefit to him to.

Hope you both have an amazing time x

Seriestwo · 19/06/2026 09:31

Carer fatigue is an issue for lots of families. You need a break and so does your daughter. Your husband is going to have to come second for a bit so you can support him long term. And your daughter needs something to look forward to and have some fun. Part of what he needs to adjust to is that his illness impacts on everyone even if it’s not his fault.

you must go. I remember your previous thread and am sorry things are still so hard.

Speakeasier · 19/06/2026 09:30

Gloriia · 19/06/2026 09:28

She needs a holiday yes. She needs to arrange support whilst away, so she can actually enjoy herself.

Show quote history

Did you see the bit where he’s staying with his family while she’s away.

Speakeasier · 19/06/2026 09:28

Go OP. Mental illness can make people very selfish. But that doesn’t mean you have to give into it. He has other support and you cannot permanently be there as a support worker.

Also anxiety is not soothed by pandering to it. If you stayed then his brain would tell him that he needs you there all the time or his anxiety would become unbearable. If you go and he’s okay (which he will be) his brain will start to realise that he can manage without you and his anxiety will start to lessen.

Maybe try to not be around for short periods of time before the trip to acclimatise him first. But go on this trip. You and your daughter need it and you can’t have either of you burning out by not getting a break.

Gloriia · 19/06/2026 09:28

ERthree · 19/06/2026 09:23

If this illness lasts a lifetime is OP to never have any respite?Should she be there 24/7 365 days a year? Should her life halt now, no work, no time for self care? What if she becomes ill should she just carry on until she drops?

Show quote history

She needs a holiday yes. She needs to arrange support whilst away, so she can actually enjoy herself.

ERthree · 19/06/2026 09:23

Sunandsunshine · 18/06/2026 20:19

Do you know iI can never tell whether this hard, uncaring, inhuman attitude towards spouses is just an MN phenomenon. Or whether this is actually representative of real life.

Show quote history

If this illness lasts a lifetime is OP to never have any respite?Should she be there 24/7 365 days a year? Should her life halt now, no work, no time for self care? What if she becomes ill should she just carry on until she drops?

Pearl97 · 19/06/2026 09:23

@Atchooch I hope you can feel the support and empathy for you and your DD on here. I often wonder how you both are and I really hope you can enjoy quality time together. As you said above, it will always be there, but your daughter won’t always be this age or want to go on holiday with you xx

allmycats · 19/06/2026 09:20

Remember your previous posts. Go and try to enjoy the time with your DD. He is manipulating you and will continue to do so if you back down to him now. You and your daughter have to consider your own health.
There are some people on here being very unkind to you-perhaps they do not know the background.