AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

It would be possible to anticipate this and mitigate the negative outcomes, though. If DH is with people who can support him to stay safe and OP manages contact for when DH is able to speak to DD without being very emotive this would help.

I've supported lots of people when their loved ones go on holiday while they're in hospital. I completely get why it's unpleasant for family to go away but this can be a relapsing illness that can take a while to treat. A break can help people have the stamina to keep going.

The comparisons people make with physical health problems and just general misbehaving always miss the mark.

Low mood isn't more selfish than any other illness that causes pain and loss of functioning. It's just the pain is mental pain and not physical. When you're in pain you can't think about anything else and it's hard to see the needs of others. This isn't the same as selfishness.

Mental illness also isn't like a broken leg or heart disease. The causes of these are clear and the treatment pathways relatively straightforward (if unpleasant).

FWIW the best physical health comparison, if you need this, is diabetes. Diabetes can respond to treatment and lifestyle changes so well it becomes hardly noticeable, but it requires the person to be on it, to engage in treatment and to diligently take medication. For some people, through no fault of their own, their diabetes is just innately tricky to manage and takes lots of time and monitoring to stay well. For others, they don't take treatment, engage in monitoring or follow health plans and they end up in chronically poor health.

Exactly. It’s so easy to say “put your daughter first” but if the outcome is that OP and her DD return to a nightmare situation, that’s really not going to help the DD. So many pp are assuming OP will go on holiday, have a great time and return refreshed. There is absolutely no guarantee of this, that the situation won’t deteriorate from bad to worse due to her going away. Unfortunately in dire situations, realism is essential, and trying to make a difficult and complex decision seem like a straightforward one of prioritising your child, whilst ignoring any possible negative outcomes, is unhelpful.

My ex (Lets call him Bob) was bi-polar and not sure what your husband has been diagnosed with but Bob frequently convinced himself he didn't need his tablets but knew I would mither him to death over it, so hid the fact from me. He would get sectioned and then it was all rinse, repeat.

Until the CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) started coming every fortnight and switched from tablets to injections which she administered. We had a relatively long period of stability. There were enough moments of joy/love in the relationship to make it worth while. Until he started dodging her visits.

This type of illness can be well maintained but it never goes away, its a deeply emotionally painful condition for them but being their partner can be all consuming. Bob realised what he had put me through ...regularly, in his moments of clarity and he was grateful, mortified and devastated in equal measures.

Take time for yourself, take the holiday with your daughter and switch off from reality, it will be there when you get back.

Go on the holiday.
Living with and caring for someone who’s mentally unwell is bloody hard! My adult dd has suffered from mental health problems for the last few years and has been repeatedly sectioned.
Im sorry your DH is so unwell but when will your mental health matter too? And your daughters?
Someone suffering from poor mental health in the home affects everyone and every part of your life. I ended up on antidepressants myself because of the toll it took on me.
You and your daughter need the holiday and I think you should go and enjoy yourselves

Definitely go on the holiday . I am afraid that DH is being incredibly selfish and unfair to suggest that you don’t . As you say, both you and DD need and deserve this break

Absolutely go. Your DH should not want your DD to miss out on such a great opportunity.

OP has said that she has contacted his parents and is waiting for a response.

She's his next of kin like it or not. Mh services just do not provide much aftercare once discharged. Maybe the odd follow up in a couple of weeks but not comprehensive care so she can enjoy her holiday.

Yes ideally he should contact his family but sick people particularly those with mh issues are poor self advocates, this is not new information.

She needs to actually have a conversation with his family.

I think you should go, and if possible have the original longer trip. I remember your previous thread and if anyone needs and deserves this break, it's you two.

Is op his Care coordinator? Can he not contact family?

Some martyrs on this thread 🙄

A teenager and her mother should not have to put their whole lives on hold indefinitely for a grown man.

She doesn't know if he'll be in hospital or if hospital will provide aftercare. The state of our mh services i would guess not. Violent criminals are let out without strict follow up so someone with mania will not be top of their list of concerns. She doesn't know if his family will care for him and let him stay with them.

Hospitals do not work around family holidays so she needs to take control and instead of awaiting a reply from his dm ring her and see if they will be support while she goes away. If not then arrange private care. I can't believe we've had pages of folk rightfully saying yep she needs a hol without the obvious that a vulnerable adult needs provision in place if left.

I think you should go . I think it will be good for both you and your daughter and will give you respite from what has been a very challenging time . I think you need to prioritise your daughter and yourself and this will enable you to continue with the further challenging times you face .

i think if you have family WhatsApp groups , you could try and set out your reasons for going and why you need to prioritise your daughter . It might not change anything, but at least you will have had the chance to set out your position.

I think it is easy for those that aren’t in your situation to judge , but they can’t appreciate how it is fully, if they are not going through it .
I think you will need to put some boundaries in place for contact by your DH and relatives whilst you are away . You don’t want to be completely uncontactable , but also don’t want to be plagued by constant calls . As you are travelling a bit you could suggest that best to contact via WhatsApp / text messages .
I hope that you enjoy the break .

OP's daughter's life has been turned upside down and she will be getting a lot less attention from her mum who is pretty much doing everything single-handedly now, being the sole earner and caring for her DH. A short holiday with her daughter isn't selfish and he has parents that he can go to so.

I think this is the risk - if there is a bad reaction or a problem then the impact of that will fall on the DD.

It's an awful situation, but if someone is too unwell to be left, they're too unwell to be left.

Wrong on both counts.

I had a parent with a long term MH issue, lasted from when I was 9 until I was in my 30’s. My teenage years were spent caring for my parent and were miserable. I have very few happy memories of being with my parents during that time. Please take your DD on holiday and make those memories with her, she deserves some happiness in a very difficult situation.

A heart attack and mental illness are completely incomparable and you're just being obtuse for the sake of it. A heart attack is sudden and quick and there's possibility of recovery fairly quickly. Mental illness is forever.

I literally say a break is important but going from nothing to 10 days with no established support is a risk to DP and others. If there is no support in place, OP/DD may be recalled from holiday, or bombarded by the family/services.

It doesn’t sound like anyone reliable is established so I don’t see how op can really get the respite she and dd needs. It doesn’t sound like she can just switch off / walk away.

And how is that different from the situation I described?

Well surely that should be part of the discharge planning, as @JLou08 has fantastically responded to the usual “ooo you wouldn’t refuse to push someone in a wheelchair”. Op doesn’t have to be the only one dealing with his crisis

When did you ask? Ysterday, last week, 2 weeks ago? When is the trip? If you haven't heard back about such a serious request surely that's a no. Or ring her?

You need to cover yourself here for your sanity and for safeguarding as he will surely be classed as vulnerable. If his family won't help ask a friend of his to check in daily or pay for someone to.

I'm not sure waiting to hear from his dm is the way forward .

Please go

you tell dh you have two priorities your child and him. He is getting support and help, your child is not at the moment, and the holiday will be that support. You have already compromised by shortening it but your child needs to be put first on this occasion

If he is still in hospital, when you go away then good, if not then his family should step up and if they won’t then you need to seek respite care

I accept he is very unwell but your child will end up resenting him if he is prioritised all then time and they become forgotten and in the heat of everything that’s a very easy thing to do

Absolutely go.